Still struggling to get Mom in assisted living. What should I do?
I am still struggling trying to get my mom to go to assisted living. She is still refusing to go! I am an only child, working mom, wife, and still have kids at home. My mom will not hire someone full time to come in she has part time help a couple days a week at night and depends on me the rest of the time. I am TIRED! I am worn down and wishing it would go away. I held a place for her at the AL but she doesn't know this because she would be mad that I spent her money on a room there. I only have this month to make the move or I am going to have to give up the AL. I cannot do this anymore and need her to be somewhere I know there are people to care for her and she will have access to meals anytime of the day, I don't have to worry about the electric going off in this bad winter, ETC. So many things, but she WILL NOT go. She is only 68 and has dementia. She can remember many things, it is just mostly her short term. She doesn't remember when she talked to me, or how to set clocks when the electric has been off due to the weather. She can't always remember our phone number but knows where to find it. Simple things are going down hill except her stubbornness. She always makes me feel I am doing something wrong. I am being "mean" when I suggest the AL facility, or "look how you treat me" of course after I mention the AL. She always has an excuse, the windows are too high, it's only two rooms, I don't have anything to wear, how will I get my groceries, on and on. I try to encourage all of these things will be fine, but to her everything is terrible. I need help!
jewel - woo hoo!!!
With my mother's refusal to leave her home, considering our family history (late 80's - into 90's life spans, her mother suffering dementia as well), and the possible expense of possibly a decade of memory care, I am taking the advice to back off, do what I can that's in her best interest while trying not to enable (tough balance to strike, for sure), and wait until something occurs that necessitates her going straight into assisted living.
I am 65 and have congestive heart failure; a divorced only child. My mom was living with me for a couple of years before she started really deteriorating physically & mentally.
I brought in caregivers; she fired them. I struggled for another year, frequently called away from work due to some emergency or other. she spent months in bed, only getting up to eat all the sweets she'd smuggled in (she's diabetic), and go to the bathroom. We went through multiple trips by ambulance because she wouldn't use her walker, let her blood sugar get extremely low or high, didn't take her meds, etc.
Finally moved her into a beautiful senior community with multiple levels of care from independent to memory unit. She had a lovely apartment, transportation when needed, more activities than you can count, and the most wonderful staff you can imagine--plus a 4 star chef running the dining room. And we had crisis after crisis, more trips in an ambulance; it seemed like nothing had changed for me and I was exhausted, wracked with guilt and anxiety.
She was back in the hospital just before Christmas and has been in a transitional care facility since. I am on disability because I snapped under the strain. They're about to release her and our primary physician said to put her in a board & care or nursing home and wanted nothing to do with my protests of responsibility or guilt. Until yesterday when I got a call affirming everything all of you have said: the social worker at the nursing home, our doctor, and the assisted living director where she was living have agreed amongst themselves that she has to go into full assisted living for her own sake.
Reading your experiences has lifted the guilt off my heart and, even more important, let me see for the first time that I'm not alone.
Thank you all, and God bless you and fill your lives with the peace and contentment that was taken away.