Still struggling to get Mom in assisted living. What should I do?

I have promised updates. My mom is a little more lucid right now and I am acting fast. She went back yesterday with myself and her sister to look at the apartment at AL again. Of course she found negatives (as usual), but she has AGREED to try it. Halleluiah!!! I have called and set up the movers, called and reserved the apartment. Next week, I will be free of the care giving duties that have actually been slowly sucking the life right out of me. My family may actually see a smile back on my face. I know this is not a quick fix, but it is a very good start. Thanks again for the support to do what I have been needing to do for a long time.

It is sad when you have to step back and let your stubborn parent set themselves up for failure and they end up in the place they fear the most. It is so cruel when a parent demands to make their own choices, but attempts to delegate the responsibilities onto their adult chidlren because it is easier and more convenient. To me life is about being fair and willingness to compromise in choices that benefits everyone involved. Yes there will be sacrifices, but there needs to be a level playing field in compromising.

Debralee that was so affirming I cut it out and pasted it on my desk. My mom would have NEVER done for anyone what she expects. Grocery store three four times a week? That's just boredom talking. Jewel tone just reading your post brings on those feelings. I MUST COMPLY OR SHE WILL HAVE A BLOW OUT. Why oh why does that raise my blood pressure get me heart racing upset my stomach right?? I was up all night cause she was ranting on the phone about something. I didn't have the phone to my ear so I dunno what she was off about. But it physically kills my body. These people are best left to professionals.

Emjo, the man from the referral agency said "Pull Back" and stop enabling mom to stay at home. I know that sounds cruel, even dangerous, but when your strength is failing and other family members are vaporizing from the promises they made, there is not much else you can do.

pst - I hear you. When it comes to the point that your own health is compromised you have to withdraw your help. I have been doing something similar with my mum, in terms of not enabling her mental illness. I withdrew most of my support and even contact for a while as it was too hard on me, She was in an ALF and well looked after physically so I didn't have that concern. Thankfully now the professionals are in charge. It does seem cruel in a way, but, as you say, the options are very limited, and reality is that change is needed.

Wow this could be my story though mom doesn't live with me...but we got the same mom. Against my better judgement, I hired in home care for mom vs AL or memory care because she got so furious and punishing with me (and I retreated to my 12 yr old child self ....). She tried to let them go early, refused their assistance, ended up firing them....

My comeback was, ok mom, you won't accept assistance and I can't do it so if you can't manage yourself or accept in home care, them AL or memory care is next stop.

You should give mom the option if that is what you need. See if they will keep your deposit on next opening for 90 days or whatever; get in home help that can't be dismissed early or leave without YOUR permission and notification first. If mom balks or bitches, then move her to memory care and you have the satisfaction of saying "mom, we tried it your way, and you didn't comply, so now this is where you have to be". Let her adjust and then get your life back, including visits to mom when you can. Take the break you need first.

Jewel your story could be mine!! Just do it. We tried for the last four or five years to be "nice" about it, suggesting ALF's and touring them and explaining how much nicer it would be for our Mom not to be alone. Did she appreciate it? Abslutely not. She would tell anyone with ears I was the daughter who was trying to "put her away." It hurt beyond words when she would say that but after time I came to realize that what she was using was a manipulating tactic to get me to back off with the suggestion. At home all my Mom did was smoke, sleep, eat once in a while (not regularly) and just complain about everything and anything and accuse me of stealing everything from spoons to jewelery. She was becoming more and more paranoid. Would not let me have a key to her house under any circumstances because according to her, I would sneak it when shes not home and clean her out. Where these accusations came from I had no idea, My Mom knows if ever I needed anythign I would gladly ask and I have never ever asked for a dime, ever. I found myself driving there at all horus of the night when she wouldn't answer the phone in a sheer state of panic and once I even had to scream her name by a window becuase she wasn't hearing the doorbell and she wasn't answering her phone. All this at midnight. Over time it took a tremendous toll on my physical and emotional health. I have sunk myself into such a deep depression I honestly don't know if I'll ever get out. You have to take charge. After several hospitalizations this year due to her not eating right and rotting in her house we finally decided enough. We arranged for an ALF and didnt give her a choice. She is there now and complains constantly, she is totally miserable. I sleep well now knowing that she is not alone and has people there if God forbid she falls and they remind her to eat. She may not like it and its taken me a little while to say this and it may sound cruel but who cares. She didn't care very much all the times I wouldn't sleep in sheer panic if she went out and didnt let me know or if she was mad and chose not to answer the phone. SHe didnt care so much how upset I would make myself with her ridiculous accusations that cut me to the bone. This world doesnt revolve around them although they would love for us to believe that. You need to get her in an ALF and dont feel guilty. Your job is to keep her safe not to be a servant. Tough love is a beautiful thing its not necessarily bad. I know my Mom is in a beautiful place with very nice people and she can do the same things there that she does at home, sleep and eat. THe only difference is now she also has choices. If shes bored she can partake in activities or go out and socialize with others. At home she didnt have that choice. Its a much better environment for her and even though she tries her best to rile me up and upset me, I dont react anymore. I have been reading a book someone here reccomended and its been amazing at helping me understand the illness more. I highly reccomend you read it, the title is Coping with your Difficult Parent a guide for stressed out children. Good luck!!!

Debralee - you are soooo right. It is sad, but kinda like tough love with children or adult children....sometimes you have to do all you can do, then let go and let them falter or learn the hard way. Parents can be demanding, and I get overwhelmed sometimes with my own mom and her expectations or my guilt trip...but I have to keep reminding myself that she is lashing out because she is scared, fearful of what lies ahead and will exercise her control until her last breath because frankly "who wants to lose control or their independence?" -- it has to be such a hard reality. Doesn't mean we have to bend over (or forward....so to speak); we can set boundaries, a plan, and consequences and that is about it and trust what comes (good or bad).

I guess life isn't "fair" in the end and, in perspective, not really a level playing field when we compare our lives to the elder and infirmed. But on the other hand, hopefully they lived a good, long life and we can't begrudge ourselves wanting to do the same -- only that we remember these times with our parents and have open, honest conversations with our family/children to not put them in this spot and that they are given permission to do the right thing -- live their lives and take charge and place us in care when the time comes.

well said Debralee - mother has done that -set herself up for failure so that that which she dreads is coming upon her

jewel - many of us here have been brought up by mentally unhealthy narcissistic parents who have groomed their kids to be servants. You cannot let the accusations and nasty things your mum says, govern your life. People like her use FOG -fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate others. You are not alone and you can take charge. That is what POA is all about. Mother accuses me all the time. You talk about wrath. Mother has Borderline Personality Disorder. I call her a rage-aholic. Anger is one way of controlling people. You need to learn how to detach. I have learned that I have to do what I think is best for her and for me. She can depend all she likes, but you don't have to do what she wants. She can get mad - what's new. That is about her, not you. Don't let that stop you from doing what you need to do. The hurt child in us still reacts to the rage. Be aware of that and tell your hurt child that she - your mum - cannot hurt you any more.

Make a plan with your husband of how to get her there. Do you need to move furniture? Simply set a day, plan what has to be done, take mum out for lunch while it is being done, then take her there. It would be good to have someone with you at lunch in case there are issues an the way to AL and also for moral support for you. Don't tell her anything other that what you need to in order to get her there. You will not get her to agree to go to AL, so there is no point in discussing it with her. You do not need her approval to do what is in her best interests, and incidentally, in your best interests. I just approved having my mother given meds in her food that she refuses to take. I know it is going against her wishes, but as the professionals point out, she is not making decisions that are in her own best interests. Same for your mum, so you have to take the parent role, as you would for your kids, and do what is best for her whether she likes it or not.

So make a plan and, yes do it., Don't let any guilt get in the way. You are being a responsible daughter.

You say it is hard. Amen to that. Reversing the role is very tough - maybe one of the toughest things we have to do in life, but what are the alternatives? You can't go on like this, can you? My heart goes out to you. Lots have faced the same thing and done it. You can do it too. When you take her in you may find you have to let calls go to voice mail as she will not be happy. This is not unusual and also it is better not to visit for a while to let her settle in.

If you don't have to move furniture, then just plan a day with your hubby within this month, and do it.

Recently I have had my mum committed to a mental hospital, certified, and fed her meds without her consent. She will be on these meds the rest of her life with it without her consent. They have their ways. It is tough, but I know it is the best that I can do for her. Big ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) and come back and let us know how difficult it is, how domineering your mum is, how hard she is on you and so on, but please do at least make a plan. BTW The sky will not fall in if you don't go to the store for her 3 x a week. She will still make these demands of you when she is in AL, You have to learn to say No to some of them, and just do what you think is reasonable. Blessings

At this moment, my mom has been lucid for about two to three days. She seems so much like her "old" self. She is still blaming me, as usual, for many things, but actually is agreeing to go revisit the facility. We are supposed to go Wednesday if everything goes well as possible. Tonight I told her I wouldn't get off work til late and so I called her earlier. Backing off from her has been the best thing so far. She is still complaining and negative toward everything, but is more agreeable than she has been so far. She has even agreed to go look for a couch and/or recliner for the apartment. Woo Hoo! I am excited beyond words. I feel much better today than I did a few days ago or even 6 months ago. When I reminded her we were going Wednesday, she said, "well, I don't want to but I know I have to". Once again making me feel like I am doing something wrong. But, I will take it at this point. I will keep you updated. I may be crying again by the weekend when she refuses, but I am keeping my faith she will go.