Still struggling to get Mom in assisted living. What should I do?

You have to tell her straight out that you can't do this anymore. If she still refuses, walk away. Force her to realize she can't go it alone and she is a burden too great to bear. Tell her you are going to lose the downpayment, and you are all done catering to her. If you were younger it wouldn't be so bad, but let's face it, we are old now too.

Others on here have faced this. One idea is to talk with the people in the ALF and ask them for suggestions about how to get her in there.

Some people take their senior for a "visit" and then leave them there. Do you have POA medical and financial? I believe that is necessary to make that kind of a move. If you don't have it you need to get it set up and your mum has to be assessed as incompetent for you to take charge. That may take time. The staff then deal with any reactions and the senior usually settles down in a few weeks. One gal on here had other family members move the furniture in while she took her mum for lunch, then back to the ALF when everything was set up. She told her mum that the doctor said that she could not live alone any more. There was a fuss for a while but the mum adjusted. I don't remember the exact sequence of events but it was close that.

Some people are negative and seem to live to find things that are wrong. I know it is very hard. Your mum has Alz and it will only get worse.

Other ideas - talk to her doctor and get him to talk to her, ask the local Agency for Aging and Social Services for ideas.

You have a lot on your plate. Some people, as pst has suggested draw a line and say they cannot and will not do what they have been doing, and the senior has to find out that they cannot manage. I believe you can ask for an evaluation to see what kind of help/environment she needs -check with the agency on aging or SS about that, then they can recommend what she needs Tell them you cannot do it anymore.

Good luck!

Emjo, the man from the referral agency said "Pull Back" and stop enabling mom to stay at home. I know that sounds cruel, even dangerous, but when your strength is failing and other family members are vaporizing from the promises they made, there is not much else you can do.

pst - I hear you. When it comes to the point that your own health is compromised you have to withdraw your help. I have been doing something similar with my mum, in terms of not enabling her mental illness. I withdrew most of my support and even contact for a while as it was too hard on me, She was in an ALF and well looked after physically so I didn't have that concern. Thankfully now the professionals are in charge. It does seem cruel in a way, but, as you say, the options are very limited, and reality is that change is needed.

Thank you so much. I do know all of this is what I need to do, doing it is the hardest task. Yes, I do have POA for medical and financial. I hear about that too about how she wished that she had never given it to me because I have too much control over her. (those are her words). Even though I don't "make" her do what she should, I always let her win. She knows this. She still knows how to manipulate me as she has always done. Our whole family, including her siblings, have always walked around her feelings so we didn't get her wrath.--and I do mean wrath. I am compromising my health(mental and emotional) and my family. I am suffering inside so much wanting my "happy" self to come back. In April, 2013 I did start "pulling back" and not doing as much. She got in bad shape,quit eating, wouldn't bathe even with help, and her memory got worse-- but still wouldn't go anywhere. Hopsice was called in being we thought this was it for her. After some time with a caregiver ordered from hospice (a life saver for me) she started doing better by August/September. After that, she started telling the caregiver to go home she didn't want her there or need her. It has all started again. No full time caregiver just me. Since she let the caregiver go, I haven't went to stay to all night with her but maybe twice since December. I know if I start back, she will definitely depend on me to keep it up. I am learning her manipulation. She does call sometime while I am at work and tell me she is scared. I feel so bad, but I just tell her she is fine. Then try to bring up AL. Then she is short and gets off the phone. I go to the store for her at least two to three times a week. I barely go for myself once a week. I agree that I am enabling her. Being that she has always been overbearing, it is hard to let go of knowing "how" she is/was. I was raised to do what she said and I am having a hard time reversing the role. I have talked to the AL facility and they have given me the same advice as you. Just do it! Sounds so easy. I have called her pallative care nurse for support. She is saying the same things. It is best for her. I know this for sure. I am needing a way to "just do it". Thanks so much.

Wow this could be my story though mom doesn't live with me...but we got the same mom. Against my better judgement, I hired in home care for mom vs AL or memory care because she got so furious and punishing with me (and I retreated to my 12 yr old child self ....). She tried to let them go early, refused their assistance, ended up firing them....

My comeback was, ok mom, you won't accept assistance and I can't do it so if you can't manage yourself or accept in home care, them AL or memory care is next stop.

You should give mom the option if that is what you need. See if they will keep your deposit on next opening for 90 days or whatever; get in home help that can't be dismissed early or leave without YOUR permission and notification first. If mom balks or bitches, then move her to memory care and you have the satisfaction of saying "mom, we tried it your way, and you didn't comply, so now this is where you have to be". Let her adjust and then get your life back, including visits to mom when you can. Take the break you need first.

It is sad when you have to step back and let your stubborn parent set themselves up for failure and they end up in the place they fear the most. It is so cruel when a parent demands to make their own choices, but attempts to delegate the responsibilities onto their adult chidlren because it is easier and more convenient. To me life is about being fair and willingness to compromise in choices that benefits everyone involved. Yes there will be sacrifices, but there needs to be a level playing field in compromising.

Debralee - you are soooo right. It is sad, but kinda like tough love with children or adult children....sometimes you have to do all you can do, then let go and let them falter or learn the hard way. Parents can be demanding, and I get overwhelmed sometimes with my own mom and her expectations or my guilt trip...but I have to keep reminding myself that she is lashing out because she is scared, fearful of what lies ahead and will exercise her control until her last breath because frankly "who wants to lose control or their independence?" -- it has to be such a hard reality. Doesn't mean we have to bend over (or forward....so to speak); we can set boundaries, a plan, and consequences and that is about it and trust what comes (good or bad).

I guess life isn't "fair" in the end and, in perspective, not really a level playing field when we compare our lives to the elder and infirmed. But on the other hand, hopefully they lived a good, long life and we can't begrudge ourselves wanting to do the same -- only that we remember these times with our parents and have open, honest conversations with our family/children to not put them in this spot and that they are given permission to do the right thing -- live their lives and take charge and place us in care when the time comes.

well said Debralee - mother has done that -set herself up for failure so that that which she dreads is coming upon her

jewel - many of us here have been brought up by mentally unhealthy narcissistic parents who have groomed their kids to be servants. You cannot let the accusations and nasty things your mum says, govern your life. People like her use FOG -fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate others. You are not alone and you can take charge. That is what POA is all about. Mother accuses me all the time. You talk about wrath. Mother has Borderline Personality Disorder. I call her a rage-aholic. Anger is one way of controlling people. You need to learn how to detach. I have learned that I have to do what I think is best for her and for me. She can depend all she likes, but you don't have to do what she wants. She can get mad - what's new. That is about her, not you. Don't let that stop you from doing what you need to do. The hurt child in us still reacts to the rage. Be aware of that and tell your hurt child that she - your mum - cannot hurt you any more.

Make a plan with your husband of how to get her there. Do you need to move furniture? Simply set a day, plan what has to be done, take mum out for lunch while it is being done, then take her there. It would be good to have someone with you at lunch in case there are issues an the way to AL and also for moral support for you. Don't tell her anything other that what you need to in order to get her there. You will not get her to agree to go to AL, so there is no point in discussing it with her. You do not need her approval to do what is in her best interests, and incidentally, in your best interests. I just approved having my mother given meds in her food that she refuses to take. I know it is going against her wishes, but as the professionals point out, she is not making decisions that are in her own best interests. Same for your mum, so you have to take the parent role, as you would for your kids, and do what is best for her whether she likes it or not.

So make a plan and, yes do it., Don't let any guilt get in the way. You are being a responsible daughter.

You say it is hard. Amen to that. Reversing the role is very tough - maybe one of the toughest things we have to do in life, but what are the alternatives? You can't go on like this, can you? My heart goes out to you. Lots have faced the same thing and done it. You can do it too. When you take her in you may find you have to let calls go to voice mail as she will not be happy. This is not unusual and also it is better not to visit for a while to let her settle in.

If you don't have to move furniture, then just plan a day with your hubby within this month, and do it.

Recently I have had my mum committed to a mental hospital, certified, and fed her meds without her consent. She will be on these meds the rest of her life with it without her consent. They have their ways. It is tough, but I know it is the best that I can do for her. Big ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) and come back and let us know how difficult it is, how domineering your mum is, how hard she is on you and so on, but please do at least make a plan. BTW The sky will not fall in if you don't go to the store for her 3 x a week. She will still make these demands of you when she is in AL, You have to learn to say No to some of them, and just do what you think is reasonable. Blessings

Debralee that was so affirming I cut it out and pasted it on my desk. My mom would have NEVER done for anyone what she expects. Grocery store three four times a week? That's just boredom talking. Jewel tone just reading your post brings on those feelings. I MUST COMPLY OR SHE WILL HAVE A BLOW OUT. Why oh why does that raise my blood pressure get me heart racing upset my stomach right?? I was up all night cause she was ranting on the phone about something. I didn't have the phone to my ear so I dunno what she was off about. But it physically kills my body. These people are best left to professionals.

I know you're frustrated, but if she is only 68 years old, she very well could live to be 98. Can she truly afford 30 years of AL rent? The average cost is $39600/year--and that doesn't include everything, add another $10K for other stuff. That is $50k/year for 30 years.....does she happen to have $1,500,000 in her bank account? I am totally serious. I have done the math for my parents. These places are expensive. Count the cost before you leap, or, consult with a Certified Senior Advisor. And consider well that your mom might outlive her assets, in which case, most ALF's will not accept Medicaid, and she will be forced to leave.

emjo--I will read and reread your post. All of you have been so helpful. I did talk to my mom again last night about going to AL. --only when she brought up how lonely she was. (again, I have been trying to detach and pull back some) I used to call her two to three times a day while at work and when I got home and would try to stop by two or three times a week even with a caregiver there.Then I stayed the nights with her on the weekends (yes, after working all week) Now I am trying to only go to the store and take her groceries and call her when I come in from work. I always try to have an excuse why I cannot come by or call more. It has been difficult. (grant it, I only started this two to three weeks ago). When I called her last night she told me she was very lonely. It tore at my heart, but I didn't let on. I told her I understood and I was sorry but I can't be there like she needs me to be. She asked what she was going to do, and I reminded her of her choices. She did say, "I don't know what to do". I reassured her she would like it and would be able to have a social life and she wouldn't be lonely. I encouraged her the weather would be better next week and I could move in some of her things and she could go and just try it. I told her I would stay with her the first couple days/nights to get her settled in. The conversation went well, even though she didn't agree. Hopefully, today she will still feel the same way. We just never know with someone like "them" how each day will be. That is wrenching on my soul, mind, and body. Not to mention my family. Thanks again for the encouraging words. I will continue to get stronger as I continue to read the encouragement.

This needs to be a reminder to all of us, to make these decisions, while we are healthy and tell our kids what to do. I heard my SIL say recently, "I am going to tell my kids, not to put me in any NH, in IL!" I said "Then, you need to make those arrangements, now and pick a place." She looked at me like I had 2 heads. Adult kids cannot just put Mom somewhere. It doesn't work that way.

I know your pain. We have the same with my mom (in her 90's). We do what we can, each sibling going for a few hours once a week because we are burned out and she won't listen and is self destructive regardless of what we do. The doctor told us we just have to wait until she has a crisis like a fall or sickness, etc and then move her directly into assisted living. Its painful. I will pray for you.

Jewel your story could be mine!! Just do it. We tried for the last four or five years to be "nice" about it, suggesting ALF's and touring them and explaining how much nicer it would be for our Mom not to be alone. Did she appreciate it? Abslutely not. She would tell anyone with ears I was the daughter who was trying to "put her away." It hurt beyond words when she would say that but after time I came to realize that what she was using was a manipulating tactic to get me to back off with the suggestion. At home all my Mom did was smoke, sleep, eat once in a while (not regularly) and just complain about everything and anything and accuse me of stealing everything from spoons to jewelery. She was becoming more and more paranoid. Would not let me have a key to her house under any circumstances because according to her, I would sneak it when shes not home and clean her out. Where these accusations came from I had no idea, My Mom knows if ever I needed anythign I would gladly ask and I have never ever asked for a dime, ever. I found myself driving there at all horus of the night when she wouldn't answer the phone in a sheer state of panic and once I even had to scream her name by a window becuase she wasn't hearing the doorbell and she wasn't answering her phone. All this at midnight. Over time it took a tremendous toll on my physical and emotional health. I have sunk myself into such a deep depression I honestly don't know if I'll ever get out. You have to take charge. After several hospitalizations this year due to her not eating right and rotting in her house we finally decided enough. We arranged for an ALF and didnt give her a choice. She is there now and complains constantly, she is totally miserable. I sleep well now knowing that she is not alone and has people there if God forbid she falls and they remind her to eat. She may not like it and its taken me a little while to say this and it may sound cruel but who cares. She didn't care very much all the times I wouldn't sleep in sheer panic if she went out and didnt let me know or if she was mad and chose not to answer the phone. SHe didnt care so much how upset I would make myself with her ridiculous accusations that cut me to the bone. This world doesnt revolve around them although they would love for us to believe that. You need to get her in an ALF and dont feel guilty. Your job is to keep her safe not to be a servant. Tough love is a beautiful thing its not necessarily bad. I know my Mom is in a beautiful place with very nice people and she can do the same things there that she does at home, sleep and eat. THe only difference is now she also has choices. If shes bored she can partake in activities or go out and socialize with others. At home she didnt have that choice. Its a much better environment for her and even though she tries her best to rile me up and upset me, I dont react anymore. I have been reading a book someone here reccomended and its been amazing at helping me understand the illness more. I highly reccomend you read it, the title is Coping with your Difficult Parent a guide for stressed out children. Good luck!!!

If you have the Power of Attorney, you can place her without her consent. But that is my problem too. I don't want to trick her and lose her trust. But I have my own health issues and can't do this much longer. BTW: I have an older brother who contributes nothing in any way. I keep track of when he sees her. He hasn't seen her this year yet.

LEP I have been told by more than one source that POA does not give you the authority to place them in a home. And you are right about the trust being lost. So we are taking MIL on tours of various local NH/AL facilities, for dinner and social activities. We don't tell her where we are going, we just take her and she has a darn good time.

Oh dear Lord thank you, every one of you!! You have unknowingly saved my sanity, if not my life with your advice and experiences.
I am 65 and have congestive heart failure; a divorced only child. My mom was living with me for a couple of years before she started really deteriorating physically & mentally.
I brought in caregivers; she fired them. I struggled for another year, frequently called away from work due to some emergency or other. she spent months in bed, only getting up to eat all the sweets she'd smuggled in (she's diabetic), and go to the bathroom. We went through multiple trips by ambulance because she wouldn't use her walker, let her blood sugar get extremely low or high, didn't take her meds, etc.
Finally moved her into a beautiful senior community with multiple levels of care from independent to memory unit. She had a lovely apartment, transportation when needed, more activities than you can count, and the most wonderful staff you can imagine--plus a 4 star chef running the dining room. And we had crisis after crisis, more trips in an ambulance; it seemed like nothing had changed for me and I was exhausted, wracked with guilt and anxiety.
She was back in the hospital just before Christmas and has been in a transitional care facility since. I am on disability because I snapped under the strain. They're about to release her and our primary physician said to put her in a board & care or nursing home and wanted nothing to do with my protests of responsibility or guilt. Until yesterday when I got a call affirming everything all of you have said: the social worker at the nursing home, our doctor, and the assisted living director where she was living have agreed amongst themselves that she has to go into full assisted living for her own sake.
Reading your experiences has lifted the guilt off my heart and, even more important, let me see for the first time that I'm not alone.
Thank you all, and God bless you and fill your lives with the peace and contentment that was taken away.

"Tough love is a beautiful thing." I love that, msdaisy! There's been a lot of that around here lately.......our parents with dementia just don't understand anymore that we.....most of the time......know what's best for them.......it's sad to watch them progress. My mom is, finally, on a waiting list for a wonderful assisted living center. I feel like I'm counting down the days to the day I "get the call" that AL has room for her.......I've been taking care of mom for two years.......I've just about had it.......so glad everything is lined up.....I look forward to mom getting all the care she needs in AL.....I'm burnt out.........

Have you looked into a retirement living type setting. The cost is cheeper they supply three meals and transportation. This could be a good transition into AL it has the interaction of others her age but gives her her own living space. It could buy you some time. I remember I had to have a FL2 from Moms doctor to place her in an assisted living therefore we made an appointment to see her doctor whom she loved and he had the talk with her and I and since he suggested it, it went a lot smoother. Another suggestion Ask the AL since you are already paying for it if you can bring her during the day to hang out, get her meals and establish friendships. Ask that they pair her up with a couple of women even give her something to do as refill the sugar packets in the dining hall. Talk to the activity coordinator and see if they can suggest ways to slowly work her way in. Dementia sucks and their ability to rationalize is gone you just have to love them where they are and remember five minutes after something happened they are at another place in their head. The best way to deal with it is educate yourself and quite taking it personally or thinking their doing it on purpose to get your goat (what ever that means). My Mom being a depression kid (1920's) always had to have the cabinets and frig stocked. I too went every time she yelled I finally learned to say I've all ready gone what do you want then if you have it in the house get it and show her half empty or not. You can learn to play the game if it means circling the block a couple of times. God bless and know your not alone.

I think I'm going to start a new thread what did your lovely but nutty mom do today. lol. Sometimes seeing the humor and being able to laugh even just a tiny bit can really help. Today my Mom decided she needed new luggage so ordered some off of QVC, for when she "leaves this horrid place." I'm on hold now cancelling the order. LOL. What do you all think shall we start a thread?

A POA is in force if you have a letter from parent's physician stating they are no longer able to make health or financial decisions on their own and have been declared incompetent. I have such letter. I spoke to my mom's attorney recently......he has copy of this doctor's letter on file......the POA is in force and I can place my mom anywhere I feel is best for her whether she wants to go or not......she barely knows what day of the week it is, what month or when she last took a shower.......so yeah......she needs assistance.......thank goodness my parents took the time to take care of this paperwork...........I shudder to think what it would be like otherwise........

Yes, start it!

Care4Mama, the ability to render someone "incompetent" varies by state, in my state you cannot just get a letter from the physician, it has to go to court.

GraceH: Yes, of course it varies by state. I thought about that after I posted....figured someone would point it out to me eventually. Fortunately for me it wasn't a lengthy process. I feel for anyone that has to go through all the extra effort.....stressful.

Again, thank you so much. I have prayed, struggled, guilt trips, all the above. My mom told my aunt the other night that all I did was talk about AL and she was tired of it. She told her that I was moving her in without her will. Well, I haven't yet because of my fear/guilt that she puts on me. She tells others that I am wanting to put her away as well. She told my aunt that she better not give POA to any of her kids because they would make bad decisions. My aunt did speak up and ask her what bad decisions has your daughter made for you. My mom changed the subject, she never would answer the question. So there, she knows deep down I have done nothing but do for her even though she will NEVER admit it. After reading your comments, I have taken your advice and pulling back more and more over this week. When I went to wash her hair and do her laundry today she again talked about how lonely she was. We discussed AL again (on her terms) and she agreed she would go back this week and look. One thing on my side is my aunt. My mom has been staying in her mother's home and soon they are going to sell it. Long story but my mom sold almost everything she had before I realized she was sick 3 years ago so now she is at my grandmother's home. My grandmother died a few months ago. Her knowing they will sell the home, she needs somewhere to go. I have told her they won't hold her apartment for long. I am so hoping that my mom will go soon to AL and I can get some rest. I worry so much about her. I hate to admit that I am glad that she is starting to feel lonely because she depends way too much on me. I have always been there and now she sees maybe I won't be. Thanks again for all your advice. I am with all of you about needing to not take it personal. Even my 22 year old daughter tells me I let my mom bother me too much. It is hard when I grew up with her in "charge". I will keep you updated. If this goes through, then I will keep encouraging the rest of you to keep the faith and do what is needed not what your parent wants. They cannot make decisoins on their own, that's why they are in the shape they are.

Take her to tour some assisted Living Facilities she will see that the smaller ones six beds and under are more like being at home. I administrate two six bed facilities and our residents are family to us and their families are always welcome to come any time. Assisted living can really relieve the tress on the caregiver and improve on your relationship it takes you back to a parent child role and not the role of a caregiver.

I am currently going through this with my mother. She is narcissistic and has dementia and it is so infuriating, and very sad. As a person and as a parent, I do not like her, but wouldn't wish what's happening to her on anyone. I did my best (with the help of my husband) to have 'the talk' and not only got nowhere, but now she doesn't trust me at all, and the rudeness and insults towards me have escalated to the point where I'm now keeping phone calls and visits to the bare minimum.
With my mother's refusal to leave her home, considering our family history (late 80's - into 90's life spans, her mother suffering dementia as well), and the possible expense of possibly a decade of memory care, I am taking the advice to back off, do what I can that's in her best interest while trying not to enable (tough balance to strike, for sure), and wait until something occurs that necessitates her going straight into assisted living.

At this moment, my mom has been lucid for about two to three days. She seems so much like her "old" self. She is still blaming me, as usual, for many things, but actually is agreeing to go revisit the facility. We are supposed to go Wednesday if everything goes well as possible. Tonight I told her I wouldn't get off work til late and so I called her earlier. Backing off from her has been the best thing so far. She is still complaining and negative toward everything, but is more agreeable than she has been so far. She has even agreed to go look for a couch and/or recliner for the apartment. Woo Hoo! I am excited beyond words. I feel much better today than I did a few days ago or even 6 months ago. When I reminded her we were going Wednesday, she said, "well, I don't want to but I know I have to". Once again making me feel like I am doing something wrong. But, I will take it at this point. I will keep you updated. I may be crying again by the weekend when she refuses, but I am keeping my faith she will go.

jeweltone, she is playing the guilt card, don't take it. Once she settles in she will have a darn good time with people her own age.