Both of my parents have been told by their doctors that they should not be driving. Dad continues to drive although I think he is beginning to realize that he needs to stop, he continues because my mother insists that he needs to keep driving. My mother argued with the doctor who did the MRI on her and gave her a dementia diagnosis that she CAN drive and she is FINE. The doctor ended up so frustrated with her that he stormed out of the room.
My dad has to navigate stairs to get in and out of the house. She refuses to put in a ramp for him to use with his walker and she refuses to pay a caregiver to come in a few days a week to drive them to appts and grocery store, etc. she wants neighbors to do all these things for them so she doesn’t have to pay for anything. My father has been her slave through whole marriage and never goes against her. She throws fits and screams at him. This is her way for as far back as I can remember. I live about 5 hours away and cannot go there every weekend. I have offered to have them live in an apartment attached to my house. She said she would rather die than live with me and has accused me of stealing from her. My only sibling, my brother died from COVID last year so it’s just me and she has always been threatened by me because I’m close to my dad, well, as close as I can be because she does not like me around him. It’s like she jealous that he might show me some affection that is due to her.
My dad is currently sharp mentally and he handles the finances. She cannot write checks or pay bills but she is able use her credit card. Everything they own is jointly. She will not allow me to be on any of their bank accounts. So if anything happens to my dad I have no idea how I will pay their bills or take care of her. He is becoming increasingly depressed. Sorry for the long post but I need help with:
1. How can I ensure their safety while living at home, if she refuses to let me put a ramp in for my dad?
2. Should I call social services in to do a home inspection?
3. Should I take their keys away? Or contact the DMV and have their driving privileges suspeneded?
4. My dad is becoming more and more fragile physically and depressed mentally. If he takes a fall or can’t take care of their bills how do I take over their paying their bills? He wants me over their estate, which is very small but she will not allow me on anything.
I have no idea how to help them????
When there's an undeniable disaster you can make the best choices available for both of them, but I wish you as much peace as you can have between now and then.
Sounds like the way my mother was. If she didn't like what a doctor said, then they were stupid!
"I have offered to have them live in an apartment attached to my house. She said she would rather die than live with me and has accused me of stealing from her."
NO. Do not do this. My mother gave a little laugh at one point and said that she could never live with me. It never came up again, although at one point the brother who did the least/visited the least told me that he thought she really DID expect me to either move in with her (most likely) or live in my house. She also thought I was trying to steal from her.
Unless Dad decides to take the wheel (by force, trickery or is forced to eg if Mom was to be hospitalised) I cannot imagine this will change. Yet. Until something forces change.
If you cannot prevent the 'crash', I suppose be ready. Have the emergency numbers ready to call & have a rough plan sketched out.
- If either is in imminent danger, call EMS.
- If serious neglect/self-neglect is suspected, report to APS.
- Consider calling/writing to their local Doctor to raise your concerns. This may not lead anywhere, but you never know..
- Encourage Dad to speak to his Doctor alone. That this is OK & a way to help them both.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m glad you are on a path of healing. I have always known my mother is not capable of loving me in the same way I love my children. I am trying to be compassionate because I know she has a personality disorder and dementia but it is very challenging!
The stress of caring for Mom is not helping your Dad. Its going to get to the point he can't care for her and she will need placement. This is where APS can help him get her placed. Then he needs to see an elder lawyer to have their assets split. Her split going to her care and when gone, apply for Medicaid. He remains in the home. If he choses to sell, it needs to be at Market Value. Splitting the proceeds with Mom that goes towards her care.
I would look into some meds for Mom.
As to meds, she has been prescribed meds but refuses to take them. People with NPD are terrified of losing control. But as one other poster mentioned I’m trying to stop seeing my dad as a victim. He chose this plan. Just going to do what I can to help. And stop trying to rescue him. I have tried that all my life. It never works. 🤦♀️🤦♀️
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