Stubborn mom, any suggestions?
I have posted on here once before and got some very useful info. My situation, in my opinion, has turned into a huge sh$tshow that I don’t know how to handle. I might add that I’m an only child.
My mom is 76, lives alone, but we live in the same apartment complex. I’m her HCPOA but she is ALWAYS in her right mind. She typically uses a walker, but has recently become too weak to get to her MD appts, the bathroom, the kitchen, etc. She has fired every CNA I have hired. She’s hired her own CNA who has no set schedule, very flaky, doesn’t do CNA things.
My mom refuses AL and I feel like she may be past that. She refuses to give me her financial POA and always says that she can’t afford any kind of AL, SNF, whatever. She doesn’t qualify for Medicaid.
Short of quitting my job, continuing to let her run my life because I suck at setting boundaries, does anyone have any suggestions?
Thank you for your time.
I would tell my mom, I get to see it all or I walk away from it all. Your choice mom. She is then in complete control of the outcome. I wouldn't have a problem disconnecting to let her see just how her life looks without me propping her up. Sometimes we have to walk away and let them fail or succeed all on their own.
Can't get in touch with the CNA she hired.
It’s hard to watch her fail, but she I don’t respond to her, she gets so nasty and mean.
She knows just what gets her her own way. She has you trained, no offense intended.
This is when you say, I refuse to deal with you when you treat me ugly, I am leaving now and you can call me when you are willing to treat me with respect. Then walk out and don't answer the phone if she starts calling right away. When you can answer without caving in to her, tell her if she starts in that you are hanging up and will talk to her tomorrow. Hang up and call tomorrow.
If you walk out, hang up and tell her that you refuse to talk to her until she can be respectful she will eventually figure out that you are done being pushed around.
It will probably get a lot uglier before it gets over, but only you can put a stop to how she treats you.
I know it is hard to tell a parent that their behavior is not gonna fly, but it is so worth it when you get to the other side. My dad amped up the number of phone calls and the excuses he gave for needing me to call back were comical, but he did learn that I wasn't a little kid to be ordered around, I am an adult with a family and life, what I give I give freely but I will not be taken or ordered to cross my boundaries, it is about self respect.
You can do it, just prepare for the guilt trips of epic proportion. Remember that you are looking out for her wellbeing whether she sees it or not is irrelevant.
Hugs and strength to you.
I agree, start setting boundries. Explain to Mom that without her financial POA you will not be able to help her when she no longer can do for herself. What will happen is the state will take over and they will determine what she needs and what facility she goes to. With u having POA you will be able to make those decisions.
Do not promise Mom anything. You need to work. You need to pay into SS to help secure ur future. Carry a 401k or invest ur money so ur comfortable. Do not move her in or u with her. It won't work.
I would seriously consider not living so close, and not giving so much care, because it becomes a co relationship in which you foster her dependence.
I am 77 and walk several miles a day. What serious chronic illness has hit your Mom that she is in this weakened condition? It is important to know your mother may well live for another two decades. You already cannot get along with her. She is unlikely to improve over that time either mentally or physically.
You are now down to the choices you make for your own life.
Try to remember that we "train people" how to treat us. How we expect to be treated.
You will have to make the choice for yourself. If you wish to choose the Sainthood of life care and doormat for your Mother while you are abused do try to recall the end for most Saints.............shot full of arrows with everyone praying to them to fix their stuff. Maybe a candle lit for their birthdays; no cake.
I would start by moving father away by at least some miles. Visit less. Provide a way for her to contact help. Foster independence. If she cannot live alone assist her in finding a place to live that she can afford, if she should wish that assistance and accept it with grace.