She has always been in charge of multiple organizations, and put her volunteerism before family. She has memory issues, yet tells everyone she has a brain that works and will have temper tirades if caregivers don't do what she says. She can be very verbally abusive to get her way. She refuses to be taken to visit friends, go on walks, or do anything except shop and go to church. She has macular degeneration in one eye and limited vision in the other eye...her hands are very crippled so doing tasks is very difficult. She gets very antsy staying at home and wants to be taken out every day but limits it only to Target. It's a challenge to redirect her and anything suggested she refuses. She lives in her home with 24/7 in home care, and refuses to consider assisted living (my sister is an alcoholic and would fight any out of home placement). Her community offers a senior center for activities, but she refuses to go...I'm at a loss on what to do and how to help the caregivers manage a very aggressive and controlling stubborn senior. She could be so much happier if she were open and had a bit of a positive attitude. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Yes, you promised to keep her out of AL, but that was before the situation changed. Promises made without knowledge of the future situation are not something to keep for moral reasons. And I think Mom would be a lot happier. I know mine was.
Also she keeps her room 80+ degrees and I am doubly stressed by smothering.
I wish we had magic wands we could wave over our care receivers that made them do what is best for them. The only thing we can do is talk to them with understanding and try to influence their behavior.
The only person whose behavior you can change is you. Make sure hat you take care of yourself.
Letting go, learning patience, keeping my mouth shut, admitting I wasn't the smartest person in the room, was the hardest thing I have ever done.
I am doing this 24/7 caregiving because I love that man. He was a wonderful father, not perfect but I was loved. I had to ask myself, what good is keeping him home out of a nursing home, if he is miserable. I respect his automony, even if he is a stubborn fool. If your Mom doesn't have dementia, or very little, let her enjoy her life. Lay the burden down.
That's when I put my foot down and told her we were getting help in 2X a day whether she wanted it or not. She knew at that point that I'd had it. Sometimes, since you're the one who's doing the work to keep your mom (and maybe sister) afloat, you have some rights as to how things are done. So you have to be a bit of a tyrant yourself, to let your mom know that you're an adult now and you are responsible for her care and things WILL be done in a way that is best for her long-term health and well-being. Just like you would do with a child. Because by the time our folks get into their 90s, some of their cognitive abilities are gone. I'm sure that doesn't happen with everyone, but it has happened with my mom and I have to act accordingly. I want her to be healthy and happy in her final years and that may mean she doesn't always get her way.
It's been about eight months now since the girls started coming in to give her meds and she's fine with it now. But it took me putting my caregiver foot down to make it happen.
As others have said, caregiver stress is a killer (1/3 of us don't outlive our charges), so you have to take care of yourself too. I would consider cutting back on your visits and look at getting a geriatric care manager to oversee your mom's care locally. They are professionals (usually former nurses) who can coordinate care and keep you fully updated. They're not cheap, but you could get your life back with their help. Good luck and keep us posted. And vent whenever you want to.
The problem, it seems to me, is that mom is spending her resources without an eye on her future needs; Has this always been an issue with her, OR Is THIS NEW behavior? Is she supplying your sister with alcohol? Again, new or always.
Has your mother ever been seen by a neurologist, or a psychiatrist? Does she have cognitive decline or dementia? Has she ever been diagnosed as having a personality disorder, or with Bipolar disorder?
Just some questions to mull over. Do you have POA? Are you in contact with her doctors?
How would she do with a daily allowance? If she wanted something that costs more than that amount, she'd have to save for a few days to be able to get it. Could that be presented as a kind of game?
It sounds as if you are doing an awesome job in very challenging circumstances.
Come back and vent any time. And if you come up with some strategies that work to give Mom more stimulation and reduce her boredom, please share. We learn from each other!
I can relate to the no visitors coming. I we want to see anyone, it seems like I have to call and make the trip to their house. It has become nearly impossible anymore seeing MIL is in bed all of the night and most of the day. She is to the point where she might like the idea of going out, but not the reality. Battles have been fought with less planning than it takes just to get us out of the house. But we persevere. Didn't know you were across the country. It must be very tough on you. I'm sure you're doing a fine job.
I wouldn't worry about getting her out to different places. It may just make both her and you miserable to try. As they get older, people tend to have comfort zones that get smaller and smaller. In many cases during late life, the zone become limited to the home. This is to be expected, even if it seems bad. I would say to encourage her to do things, but don't worry if she refuses. If she is safe, healthy as possible, and content it is the main thing.
You may as well get used to the idea that the mother you once knew is gone. In her place is this woman with all her issues. The caregivers should have training that will help your mother with her temper and limited abilities. Good luck.
Mom might be happier if were open and had a more positive attitude. She might be happier if she were 60 and still in charge of organizations. But you can't make either one of those things happen. And ultimately it is important to know that you are not responsible for Mom's happiness.
It sounds like you have ideas for giving Mom more stimulation and more variety in her life. She refuses your offers. You can only do what she'll allow you to do. Don't feel guilty or beat up on yourself.
My 94 yo mother is wheelchair bound. She makes one trip to Walmart a month, if the weather and her health cooperate. (She is a two-person transfer and outings are challenging.) She plays bingo and goes to live entertainment in the nursing home. She has one or more family visitors each day. She is content. Why? Not because any of us have discovered the caregiving key to making our mother happy! But because that is who our mother is and how she has always approached life.
You may simply have to accept that your mother is who she is. You can try to remove barriers to her happiness and to present opportunities to be happy, but you cannot make her happy.