I take care of my mother in law. My husbands family holds onto grudges forever. I tried not to react when i was really overloaded; but instead freaked out and cried and yelled. Now I am told she will find someone else to help her since I didn't want to take care of her anymore. I feel like hell. My husband and his mom are both mad at me now and I don't know how to fix this. Also, recently I have 2 friends who use me as a sounding board and they are both very messed up. I feel like I'm going to explode. HELP!
How long have you been your MIL's caregiver? Does your husband or extended family members ever help you? Are you getting paid to help?
Boundaries are good. You are simply BURNT out and probably feel undervalued and exhausted. Naturally.
Perhaps, if you still want to caregive, you hire someone who can give you needed relief. For example, hire daily caregivers 4-6 hours a day.
Bless you.
I have a lot of anger but it is because I never set any boundaries. I never complained but I did tell Mom she would have to find someone else to clean for her. Still I didn't actually tell anyone that I felt overloaded.
I know my role in this, and I know I have to take better care of myself, or I will keep freaking out.
I'm sure this site will help. It helps to know there are others that are going thru the same thing, and I've already picked up some good pointers! and stories that make me realize I am not alone. Thank God for this site and for all of you on here! Not glad that you are going thru the same things as I, but yes, for going thru the same things as I.
Boy do I know where you are coming from!!! I totally did this -on a family vacation at my sister and BIL!!! I think the cuss words I screamed at my BIL are still hanging over the Atlantic Ocean. My brother was telling my husband about it (who was not there but at home with our daughter with special needs ) and his quote was -" It was bad" and my husband said "yeah, Mishka told me." and my brother goes-"No, I mean really, really bad".
I had bottled up YEARS of frustration with my sister. And on top of that I kinda relished that anger. I was a young Mom with a baby diagnosed with a rare genetic syndrome and my whole world changed. (Not unlike finding yourself as a caregiver to a spouse or a parent in some ways. ) My sister said some stupid things and did some stupid things and she should not have and I should have just called her out on it right away but I did not and I kept it in and I let the small anger grow until it ate me up.**** --I am sure I displaced a lot of stress and sadness and anger about my little girls's diagnosis onto these small infractions ****
As time passed and I found myself stuck in a tiny cabin by the shore with a crabby sister (going through her own stuff) and an alcoholic , lazy ass BIL ( that would be her own stuff , pretty much) and after having to leave my husband and daughter at home because my daughter was not mentally nor physically able to , at the time, spend a week at the beach with the extended family and after many months of worry about her spinal column and possible surgeries for her ( that thankfully, a week before the trip we found out were not necessary for the time being ) I had enough when , on the last night at the cabin, my sister said something crappy. Doesn't really matter what but it was bitchy and I LOST IT!!! And my BIL got into it and I TOTALLY LOST IT!!! I was screaming -I mean -at the top of my lungs screaming at both of them about ALL the things that they had said and done or not done throughout the years. The whole extended family was just staring at me and the cabin neighbors were all out on their decks watching and I JUST SCREAMED AND SCREAMED. And cussed. a lot. Like, bad, really bad.
It did not feel good. Especially as my nephews were there to witness this. :(. I did not talk to my sister for a year. I did a whole lot of soul searching and that is when I realized I was , of course , out of line for losing it so forcefully but what I came to realize also was that I was out of line for my anger. I realized that I really did use my sister and her somewhat small infarctions as a means to release my own anger about things my sister had nothing to do with. In other words I fed my anger and let it grow until it had no where to go but out. So after that realization, I wrote a very long heartfelt apology in email form to my sister. I took complete responsibility. I explained how I came to be so angry and I apologized. She accepted and it took a little longer to get totally back on track but -you know what?-things are better now than before. and I learned a whole lot about myself.
I don't know if this helps but just know things can get better. I did email an apology as my sister lives pretty far from me but an in person conversation would have probably been better. My suggestion is to take full responsibility for your actions and offer the apology. But take this experience as a lesson and see what you learn. Evaluate the whole thing and see if you can figure out what happened and why and then try and learn from it
OK-my daughter is here crying for my attention. I gotta run. I will bbl.
Good luck. Things will get better. ((((hugs))))
I think that trying to resolve this in person would NOT work as well as doing it in writing, at least for the initial apology. If she is reading what you wrote, and you aren't there, she has to read the whole thing. Also, when you write it, you can read it and wait and edit it and get someone else to read it for you, so that you don't accidentally make things worse.
In my opinion, you need to get through to your husband first, and let him understand how sorry you are and how it happened. If he won't be forgiving, and help you make peace with MIL, you will have a hard time getting her to forgive you.
"I don't know how to fix this." I know that feeling, and hate it. Just remember that we love and understand you, and we know you are not a bad person, even if you did a regrettable thing.