Is this part of Alzheimer’s/dementia? My dad will make a comment, someone will respond-maybe agreeing, maybe not, but always pleasant/normal conversation. Dad rolls his eyes, throws up his hands angrily and says things like “I’m sorry”, “guess I should never say anything”, “I should just leave.” Sometimes he angrily stomps away for a few minutes. When I called him out on it, he said whenever he says anything, people are snarky to him. This is totally untrue, so it seems like he’s perceiving a criticism/negative reaction when there isn’t one. Mom mostly ignores these outbursts, and so do the rest of us, but they are wearing. Just recently, a couple people outside the family have mentioned his “fighting” and that he’s “mean” to my mom, and this is what they’re referring to.
Is this common, or unique to him? It really is not his normal personality, and is definitely worse when he’s tired or frustrated. Anyone have suggestions on how to handle it, or how to make him stop? I’m not sure he’s really aware he’s doing it at all, and am sure he’s not aware of the frequency.
Thanks in advance!
Its really hard trying to explain Dementia. It has no ryhmn or reason. The one thing you do is not argue with a person who has Dementia. Just agree and smile. Don't try to correct them. Just go along with them.
I have found that sometimes folks with cognitive decline/dementia are not understanding the meaning of what is being said (or what they watch on TV).
Yes, report this to his doctor.
Several times a day I will hear, "There you go, fighting with me again." And I sit there wondering how I am fighting with him. It can be as simple as him reading the weather forecast calling for rain and me saying that right now the sun is shining and boom, I'm "fighting" with him. It is good to know I'm not alone. He's even had entire conversations where I have not said a word, just listened to him, and he says I'm fighting with him.
Thank you everyone for your answers and insight.
My father is very snarky to my mother and to others and never apologizes or even recognizes it. I think old men just get weird as they age. Oh! And he's so hard of hearing he thinks he hears insults and untrue statements! ( Hie hearing aids so not work well enough )..He also has some level of dementia but not too bad... He's 91 this fall and just tired of living with chronic pain, won't take any help, is completely resistive to ANY AND ALL help.
God bless you as you try to have patience. I will be thinking of you as I also need extra patience.
Hugs
Unfortunately, the damage is permanent. Talk to his doctor, but try and be as empathetic as you can. He’s literally seeing something you aren’t.
It isn't until things start going wrong with ordinary, everyday processes - dressing, washing, standing up, recognising people, or in this case communication - that you come to realise how incredibly complex they are. We beetle along in our lives, taking it all in our stride, and never ever notice just how many and varied are the tasks that our brains our handling without our being aware of it.
What is going wrong here is communication. Your father has an internal thought. He expresses it. He gets a response. He processes it. He is offended by it. He reacts angrily and, alas, inappropriately (though it could be worse!). Leaving everybody thinking "what the heck - ?"
So the link in the chain of this particular process that is broken appears to be his processing of the response to his expressed thought. Is it...
Physical? - how's his hearing?
Psychological? - is he anticipating, creating and hearing a negative response (that nobody else has even whispered) and responding to that internal critic?
Neurological? - is he misinterpreting and distorting what is said to him because his language processes are all snarled up?
Could be any or all, or lots of other factors. Communication is an *incredibly* complex skill involving many different brain functions. If one goes wrong, it all goes wrong.
Making him stop is not your first goal. The first goal is to understand what he is hearing back, and what about it is offending and triggering him.
What's the typical context for these outbursts? How many people in the room, what sort of subject is he commenting on, that kind of thing?
My husband doesn't usually recognize the mood changes, but he does know that when his mind begins to get on a kind of a worry-treadmill that he cannot get off, it's time to get professional help.
Depression and anxiety can also cause problems concentrating that can look like dementia. Anti-anxiety medicine helps with that too.
Your dad may also be anxious. Conversations may not make sense to him. Other parts of his daily life may be more confusing as well. "Acting out" physically or verbally usually is a sign of intense anxiety and frustration. His doctor could prescribe a mild anti-anxiety medication to see if it helps to calm him down a bit.