Sorrynotsorry Asked May 2016
How can I be supportive of my husband dealing with his uncooperative parents?
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He's so depressed. My husband takes everything so personally. His dad won't sign the POA . My husband thinks his dad doesn't trust him. I think his dad is just in denial about everything. My husband doesn't understand why his parents are so weird and that's a personal reflection on him. His brother is not very involved and isn't very good at returning texts or calls about his parents and husband thinks his brother doesn't like him. He's been so negetive, complains about everything,everyone and is simply in the dumps. I try to be encouraging but it doesn't help. He won't go for a walk or bike ride. He will never take meds. What can I do to help him?
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I found my parents Wills and Power of Attorney and those were older than dirt. But I couldn't convince my parents to update the paperwork, and here they were in their 90's. It wasn't until my Dad fell and got a goose egg bump on his head, and we went to the ER.... well Mom was Dad's POA but she didn't want to come along, couldn't blame her as at the time was legally blind and could barely hear....
While in the hospital I told Dad that I couldn't make any medical decisions for him, that Mom should be here with him. After an overnight stay at the hospital, Dad finally decided it was time to update the legal documents. Whew. I got them into an Elder Law attorney. Mom remained as POA [that was ok] and I was named as secondary in case she was unable or did not want to give power.
Thus, it might take a crises or two before one's parent, no matter what age, realize they need to pay attention to what is happening to them. And we need to learn from that for us to have our own legal documents up-to-date.
I would have suggested going for a walk, getting out in nature, but it seems he's kind of stuck in the analytical mode. Don't give up though. Maybe you can even tempt or lure him into getting away and outside by bring magazines like Country or Country Extra into the house. Or find a nice nature site online, print out some photos and place them in frames where he can see them frequently.
I think though that we women try to help and solve problems which sometimes are beyond our reach. This might be the case, as it seems he's as resistant as his father is. And if I recall correctly, the issue of contacting APS was on on which he was resistant and you weren't comfortable not supporting, or rather, taking action that he was against.
He needs to get perspective on the caregiving relationship, by refocusing his attention, but it might be that he's been sucked into the situation so intensely and it's consuming him to the point that he can't break free.
Sometimes you just have to let it run its course, but be prepared to step in if it gets out of control (if it already hasn't). If I remember your situation correctly, your in-laws were making poor financial decisions, literally sabotaging their own actions as well as your husband's to help them, yet he didn't want to involve outside help.
I've never come across anyone so willing to step up to the plate to help their parents. Ask him to give Dad a little more breathing space. He'll sign when he's ready.