Mom was released from the rehab nursing facility last week. It was recommended that she not be alone. I'm the only sibling that lives nearby (25 miles away, full time job). I do groceries and all medical, scripts, husband takes care of her house and property.
I took her to visit an assisted living facility last week before discharge--absolutely refuses to consider it. As part of her discharge planning, she was offered visiting nurse, PT, and OT. After one visit with the nurse, she told her that she doesn't want her to come back. Also offered home health and she refused to consider that. Refuses to use a medical alert pendant (threw it in a drawer) and is not reliable about keeping her cell phone nearby.
She had a stroke 3 1/2 years ago which has affected her balance so she is a major fall risk. Blood pressure is under control and is generally healthy except for the falling. Fell in November and was laid up for weeks with a fracture in her hip but it was not a weight bearing injury. I ran back and forth to her house for several weeks since she was unable to prepare food. In February, she fell and fractured her pelvis. They released her after 2 days but was unable to put weight on it due to the pain. She refused home health--then during a transfer to a commode while alone, she fell and had a second pelvic fracture. After that hospital stay, she went to rehab until she could walk (not reliably) with the walker if someone had ahold of her gait belt.
My husband and I decided to put in cameras since we cannot be there 24/7. She is very angry that we put a camera in her bedroom. She feels it is a major invasion of her privacy since she uses the commode in her bedroom and changes clothes there. How do we stand firm about this?? I am constantly in knots over her decision to 'be independent' at the cost of safety!!
This gives me more security when she is alone.
There are some companies (I believe Apple and one Home Depot sells) that have less obtrusive cameras that perhaps you can disguise.
Finally she has a Life Alert type necklace with fall detection which she never uses! The cameras are the only thing she has no control over and complies with.
Hopefully as time passes, she will be less opposed to the cameras.
They're a lifesaver for me! Good luck.
She was adamant that we remove the cameras as she felt it invaded her privacy and did not give her a peace of mind. She even tried to manually remove them a lot of times but as we’d hid the ladder away from her, there wasn’t much that she could do.
Eventually we struck a deal with her whereby we would remove some of the cameras that she felt was an outright violation on her privacy, such as the one in her bedroom.
Also, she was to send me a message saying she was fine at different times during the day, which if she delayed and we found out that she was just lazy or forgot to do, we’d reinstall the cameras. We even had a whole lecture session with her on what to do and what not to do. We made sure that she’d memorized it word by word and reviewed each and every safety/ emergency measure with her before we felt that she was okay to go without all the cameras. That being said, we still have some cameras placed at the entrance, hallway, kitchen etc, which she has allowed to stay.
I’d suggest you lay out some security/monitoring ideas with her to choose from and thrown in some intense security suggestions just so that you can throw them out at negotiations with her.
Sounds like some war pact, I know. But this was the only way that it had worked for me.
She apparently has the ability to understand this much logic and you have wonderful instincts. She'll eventually need to move to some care situation or allow people in, but for now you are doing what you can while preserving her right to make decisions. Many people do exceptionally well in care facilities, however getting them to make that move can be very difficult. I hope that she will gradually learn to accept more help of some form.
Take care,
Carol
So pleased that this is working out--if only for the moment. You all seem to have accepted the situation and to have done the most and best you can.
All the best!
I am the DPOA and MPOA for her but don't know if she is at the point where I can take over those responsibilities completely. She was tested for the cognitive functioning while in rehab. There is some short term memory loss but the biggest problem is poor judgment which is from the stroke that affected the right side of her brain. The extreme stubbornness has been there all of her life. My husband took out her shower doors and is installing another grab bar and we are putting a second commode into her bathroom. Her PCPs have told her she needs to be in assisted living--but patients have their rights and she wants to be in her house.
I believe it will not be long before she has another fall--and if she has another fracture, it may mean that she will end up in long term care rather than assisted living. This was explained to her, but she wants to prove that she will be careful and won't fall again.
Having the cameras has given me a measure of peace about the situation--but no matter where she lives, she is probably going to fall and we won't be able to prevent that. Heck, she fell twice in rehab! And complained so much about the bed alarms that they took them off. Sigh!!
The ability to make a deal depends on cognitive ability. This didn't sound like a dementia issue, but if it is, then more often than not, people need to be placed somewhere for help whether or not they agree.
As far as the camera under the bed - clever indeed! That's one to remember.
Carol
To a long term facility. Here some rehabs have an assisted living, AD and nursing attached. This makes for an easy transfer.
We put the one in her room UNDER the bed- so as not to show her using the commode-or dressing-but to show IF she had fallen and needed help. It allowed her the privacy and we did not tell her it was under the bed- so she felt safe-and we KNEW she was. I hope this helps.
I agree with the suggestions posted here, although the results will depend largely on your mother's mental condition. You need to consider that even if she seems as sharp as ever the stroke may have altered her brain in a way that you don't recognize, just as it compromised her balance. This may be more than stubbornly clinging to her independence. It appears that there is a mental roadblock that makes it impossible for her to grasp that she is at risk.
I hope the suggested tactics work for you. The responsibility of caregiving most often puts us between a rock and a hard place.
Deal making requires memory. You haven't mentioned your mother's memory/mental health. Is her memory sufficient to make and hold to a deal?
The situation you are describing sounds impossible. It really cannot continue for very long. It is so sweet of you and your husband to be doing all of this but you have no control over her care and safety when you are not there. It might really be time to go.
I "forced" my mom into AL with the support and approval of her doctor and the Area Agency on Aging. I picked her up for lunch, took her for lunch at the AL that she had already visited, the staff ate with us and sort of surrounded her with staff at the very lovely set table (cloth table cloth, china, crystal), and then I explained that my husband and I would leave after lunch and that she would not. Naturally, she cried but the staff knew how to handle everything. They were astonishing. A few days later they brought her the papers to sign--without going into explanations about what those papers were... Ethical? Under the circumstances, I think so. A few months later, my mom had no recollection of the event and was settled in.
The whole thing hinged on HER SENSE OF SUBMISSION TO AUTHORITY. Because her doctor wanted it, and the Area Agency on Aging ( an OFFICIAL organization that, by the way, she had called and asked for an evaluation, lol), she knuckled under. I would never have believed this possible but thanks to a really tough, no-nonsense nurse, the suggestion was made and it worked.
I visit my mom every day (that I am in town...) and am grateful that she is safe and getting her meds ( she had been forgetting them for months though she told me every day that she had taken them--so bad!!). The place she is in is very pretty and the food is awesome. As for the rest of it, is she happy? Who knows? I neither know nor hardly care. The other issues just overwhelmed and blotted that out. What is happiness when you cannot even remember what happened in the last few hours? She seems content enough--as much as any pedestrian in any city has a right to be. And she is always happy to see me.
I hope this helps. It is just one more woman's experience.
Frankly I can see why your mom hates the camera - I know that my mother would have felt the same way. However, your mother is in the extreme when it comes to refusing help of any kind. Everishlass mentioned making a deal with your mom.
That was good thinking on her part so you may want to try that first.
My dear elderly friend was much like your mom, though he'd wear the alarm necklace IF I went over and put it on him daily. Otherwise, he'd accept no help except for me. His final fall came later in the day after I'd put the necklace on him. He'd broken his hip and was able to alert me. However, when I think back on Joe, I know that he'd have preferred to die alone on his floor to having in-home help or cameras. Some people are like that and it can be very trying to do anything about it. When it comes to the dignity of choice vs. safety, it's nearly impossible to do what is right because the two things can be so at odds.
Unless your mother is considered cognitively impaired, you'll continue to have problems getting her to accept help. Try what Everishlass suggested. We can hope that it works.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing,
Carol
You have proof that her being alone is bad for her health. She shouldn't be left alone to fall over and over again, someone should be there caring for her if she's going to refuse assisted living. If she's going to insist on staying in her home then she's going to have to make some sacrifices.