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I live in another country and all family except one sister is scattered far across the country away from our mother who is in a nursing home in Virginia following a stroke. She can barely speak, cannot walk, stand, or toilet herself.
My sister tells me that Mom has been crying and indicating she doesn't want to be left alone at night. She clutched my sister's arm when carers came in to give her a bath. Did not want to be left alone with them. Sister said Mom shows wild eyed terror when one particular carer walks past her door.
Yesterday my son went to visit and Mom basically indicated the same. He gathered that she is terrified to be left alone at night.
She is is a shared room with a curtain between patients.
My son has reported this to the adult protective services hotline. We are currently fighting to get Medicaid for mom so she can stay in the facility as it is the best in the area, regards cleanliness, patient care and stroke therapy. It has the best reviews and best report per the commission which monitors these facilities.
We have also discovered they seem to have stopped Mom's therapy and won't tell us why. Just not sure where to go from here. She is too frail to move to a facility nearer one of the brothers (Indiana and Florida).
We thought if she stayed near her home town then my sister, cousins and church friends could visit her and keep her spirits up. Now we don't know.

Any similar experiences and advice welcome.

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Many people following strokes experience delusions. I do not find it at all unusual that your mom is terrified, I would be too. Strange place, strange people, cannot umderstand what is going on. It very likely not any sort of abuse, but your Mom's discomfort with the situation. Can someone go and apend a few days or longer with mom to see what care is needed? Who has her POA. She obviously needs the help of one of her children now.
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My mother had an experience like this. She had delusions about dead bodies being carted around, that people were demanding money from her and that a male aid was having sex in her bathroom. There was no abuse going on. Lots of reassurance from us, some antianxiety meds and our request that one particular aide not care for her as he agitated her.
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My dad went through the same thing. He had dementia related to liver disease and he would tell stories about all of the horrible things that were going on in his facility. At first he wasn't scared. I think he thought that because he was aware of what was supposedly going on he was immune but then his dementia took another turn and he became a victim of all of these plots he had concocted in his head. I didn't try to talk him out of it because to him it was all very real. I just kept reassuring him that I was there (if not physically then in spirit) and that nothing bad was going to happen to him as long as I was around. This pacified him for a while. Eventually he began receiving anti-anxiety medication. It knocked him out as he never had much of a tolerance for stuff like that but at least he wasn't being tormented by delusions anymore. The liver disease took him soon after.

Work with the Director of Nursing (DON) on getting your mom on the right meds so she can have some peace. I'm sorry your mom is going through this. Continue to advocate for her needs. It can be done long distance.
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Yes, you need to be her advocate, but don't go in loaded for bear.
When my mom was in respite care she suddenly became very fearful and tried to go home. She told me someone had smacked her. I do believe something happened, but that her perception of the incident might have been a little off, so when I spoke to the DOC that is exactly what I told her.
Explain that your mom has developed a fear of this particular person and ask that contact with her be limited. If there truly is a problem with this aide then they will know what you are implying, if it is a delusion or false perception then you are not falsely accusing anyone.
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She is not delusional. Very much alert and able to respond well to questions mostly yes/no, remembers song lyrics when I have forgotten them though her speech is pretty slurred. She was able to write her name a week after her stroke though she got one letter backwards. She understands language. But she has been in terrible pain for months prior to the stroke due to injuries to her back and knees. And the paralysed right arm has pretty bad edema and very bad throbbing pain.
Also she was pretty contented there until they moved her to another wing where the nurses and carers do not know her injuries and pain history.
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I am going to have difficulty being her advocate as she is in Virginia and I live in England. My son is doing what he can but he lives over an hour drive away. My sister who lives 15 minutes away is no help at all. Alcoholic, drug addict, hyper-emotional and self-centred. It has been very difficult to get her on board with Mom's care especially regards the selling off of the crumbling house and car with lots of troubles in order to get medicaid to cover what her pension does not. She thinks we are robbing Mom but when we try to show her the bank account, the value of house, etc. she is not interested.
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I remember your other posts on the issue of being responsible for your mother's care costs. As I recall, you came to the States just before that time to help with your mother's care?

I'm wondering about your mother's anxiety level - could that be a factor in her fear?

As to the distance issue, you could always contact the nursing home by e-mail. I don't know about Skyping between countries, but that's another possibility.

I thinkthough that I would try e-mailing, asking for the Admin's help in identifying the cause and finding a solution; bring them on board and make them part of the resolution. If there's abuse, they would presumably want to know about it and address it.

Perhaps your son has friends who could also visit your mother, just as additional independent observers. Visiting on shower day would be especially helpful.

The other aspect is to isolate the incidents that cause anxiety and fear, and determine if there's something about those activities specifically. I fully understand why someone with limited mobility, in a place away from her family, would be fearful of a shower. She would be reliant on someone she doesn't know (or trust), probably uncomfortable being showered by a stranger.

I would ask your son and the Admins (by e-mail) if they could try a no rinse cleaning for a while. Your mother wouldn't have to be nude in front of a stranger - that might be the whole issue right there.
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She was anxious and frustrated by the speech and movement problems in the first few weeks after admission to the home. I had it from my son that she seemed to settle in, liked going to activities in the lounge, especially bingo. This issue has only popped up since they moved her to a shared room. She has indicated it is a member of staff (terror in her eyes and crying when this person comes into her room or passes by her door seen by my sister) and that she is afraid to be there at night due to staff member hurting (via questions from my son).
A friend of my brother works weekends at the home. She texts my brother in Indiana so he can call mom's room back and have a chat with mom. She can't actually reach her phone to answer it. But can hold the phone if someone hands it to her. When my son visits he sets up video chats between mom and me, or one of my 3 brothers (Florida, Indiana, West Virginia respectively). I am waiting on son to tell me what ADPS has said to him about the issue, since my sister is being worse than useless.
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I am also going to ask Brad to talk to her speech therapist about this. She may be able to get reliable details from Mom.
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Araminta, she sounds very limited and will likely be a Ward of the state of Virginia if there is no one in the state who can be a Guardian.
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Araminta, she almost certainly has some degree of confusion from what you describe and her terror might or night not have a basis in reality. If she was not at all confused, she could come out and tell you exactly what happened to frighten her so. At times, people with strokes/vascular dementia will confuse dreams and nightmares with real events. My mom had that problem and oen place she stayed at briefly she was just upset and scared all the time, and once she was out of there she just said "it was spooky" and "people were out in the hallways talking too much" - it was not rational, just the lighting and atmosphere were not to her taste, basically! It was nothing the place was doing wrong at all. Vascular dementia usually leaves long-term memory and recognition of people more intact and you could easily think nothing is wrong with their thinking skills. And, my sympathy about being an ocean away from it all. The ST getting involved is a good idea and brother having it investigated was perfectly appropriate too.
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While it may well be the dementia, and I am quite loathe to criticise care staff I do KNOW and have WITNESSED abuse (and I might add reported it to the Manager and immediately to the authorities).

Can I ask that someone check under her arms not in the pit of the arm but the inside of the upper arm in the lighter shaded fleshy area. If patients are not co-operative some vile staff and it is the minority will pinch the person there. Believe me it hurts (if you don't believe me try it on yourself) It is almost impossible to detect by the family unless you half strip her and thus it often goes unnoticed and so the abuse continues.

I hate saying this but just in case...
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If she is saying people are hitting her, did someone look at her body for bruises?
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We are now looking to get her transported to my younger brother in Indiana. The nursing home says she is well enough to travel. He has built a large bedroom/walkin shower ensuite with wheelchair width doorways downstairs for her. Trying to get my head around how we transport her safely from Virginia to Indiana. Contemplating setting up a funding page. The issue is I have friends in the UK who want to help and we have friends and family and church in the US which donate. I am not sure how to set this thing up so the funds go into my UK paypal account. I would then get my younger brother to set up a bank account for Mom into which I can transfer the funds. Worried it might look like money laundering.
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Perhaps you could ask people at the US church to do the coordination to avoid the appearance of impropriety. I think sending funds to a PayPal account would raise suspicion - it certainly would for me and would never be anything I would even consider.

Or perhaps, as I suggested in your post on travel modes, you could ask that contributions be sent directly to the medi-flight or other transport service you select.

That way the funds go directly to the company providing the transport. I'm sure arrangements could be made so that you or your brother are notified of who contributed as well as the amounts so you know how much you'll have to fund yourselves.
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Araminta will Medicaid cover this cost since long term it would save them money - it would be worth the ask. If not does she have any insurance that might cover it.
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Medicaid will NOT cover transport from one state to another. PERIOD. Even if it's medically necessary, and in this case the patient's state of mind won't count. Considering the problems Araminta reported that her family ran into regarding trying to get Medicaid in the state of Virginia and associated problems with the nursing home, I hope that her mother's release is not impeded by monies owed to the nursing home if they have not been paid by Medicaid yet. It sounds to me like consulting an attorney experienced in Medicaid and Elder Care in the state they are moving mother to would be a good idea to make sure that nothing else goes wrong.
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Araminta, I am confused. I am wondering why your brother had built an en-suite onto his home to accommodate your Mother knowing she was too frail to travel [but as of now the nurses say she can travel?].

Building such an en-suite takes months in the planning, zoning applications, getting loans to pay for said improvement unless your brother could afford to pay cash, and months of getting said extension completed. Unless this is a basement in-law suite, again it would take a lot of hoops to jump through.

Back prior to building this en-suite, was there any discussion about how to transport Mom to his location? Plus your Mom probably would need some professional caregivers, until she has rehab to make her stronger, how would that be paid?
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Your family is correct to look into the elder abuse.

After a stroke, it is common to be crying-it seems a physical symptom.
The usual, customary and reasonable care plan would include an overnight sitter to be in the room with the patient. This likely will be temporary. Have the treating physician order it. The sitter can be a volunteer, maybe from your church?
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My brother had finished the bedroom and nearly finished the ensuite before she had the stroke. She was going to move there before she fell ill.

She pointed to her legs when my son asked where this person was hurting her. He looked an due to her age her skin is typically mottled, but there were scratches. She started scratching her legs while she showed him so we don't know if she scratches herself or someone else is. She gets so emotional when she tries to communicate about this. She actually indicated that she wanted privacy (moved back into her room and the door closed) to tell him about this. As soon as he closed the door she broke down weeping. And then he started questioning her. She hadn't cried in months until after they moved her to this new wing where new staff are working. In fact she indicated before she was happy to stay in the facility rather than move to my brother's until this abuse started happening. I think she didn't want to be a burden on him.

I've decided to use the last of savings and incoming disability payments to use an overland medical transport company. I am making myself more ill worrying about this. My brother is trying to source a hi/low hospital bed. So far he is being told he needs a doctor's prescription to purchase one. I find this ludicrous.

Any advice where we can get reconditioned hospital equipment would be great. Bed, hoist is what we need ASAP.
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Araminta, if your brother wants to purchase a hospital bed from his own funds (aka out of pocket) durable medical equipment supply companies will sell to him without a prescription. If he wants Medicaid/Medicare to pay for it (aka at little or no cost to him or your mother) it's not ludicrous to require a prescription from a doctor. These are expensive equipment that should require an independent trained evaluation of the need for an elder. By the way, if your mother qualifies for hospice under Medicare they will provide a hospital bed and other medical equipment for her. But hospice will not move her at no expense to your family and they will not provide 24/7 care at either your brother's home or the nursing home. I am very sorry that she is having such a difficult time. Have they opened an investigation into the worker that you mentioned?
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Araminta, it is not unusual for an elder to become emotional when moved to a hospital, then moved to a nursing home, then moved to another wing of a nursing home.

At least 90% of elders will experience some type of emotional turmoil, delirium, and say things about the Staff.... that is one way an elder thinks, in their own mind, he/she could get back to their own home. I am just hoping your Mom doesn't do the same thing when she does move to your brother's home, as the space for her will not be what it was back at home before the stroke.

As for what would be needed for Mom, your brother would need to set up your Mom's new area like it was a nursing home. The fact that your brother needs to purchase what is called a hoyer-lift tells me your Mom will need 24 hour care. Thus, 3 full-time shifts. For used hospital equipment, one would need to Google "used hoyer lift" to get an idea what places offer same. Another thing that might be good for your Mom is a geri-recliner where she can be placed and moved about the house until she is able to move about on her own.

Hope everything works out for your Mom.
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The nursing home says she is fit for home care with several visits per day. She is not delerious nor does she show any signs of dementia, per anyone who has visited her. This includes family and friends. She is terrified of one single member of staff.
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I have to say like it or not I would put in a covert cctv - I know it goes against everything I believe but this woman - if she is being abusive to very very vulnerable people who cannot communicate (trust me they never do it to the ones who can communicate) - needs to be outed for her behaviour or should I say inned as in inside a prison.
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Woman or man - sorry highly sexist and very non pc
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In the meantime, after these 20 days, who is sitting with her overnight?
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Already asked about camera. State regulations say that nursing home and mom's roommate must sign agreement as well as mom agreeing. Stupid rule as what if the NH decides no or the it happened to be the roommate who was abusing a patient who could not speak.
Anyway Mom indicated to 2 different people it a female member of staff and only at night. Sadly no visitors after 9.30pm.
There is a carer on mom's wing who works days only and she is a friend of my younger brother. When brother asked her she said she would not doubt that more than one of the night workers are dodgy, but she couldn't guess which might be hurting mom.
The nursing home now knows that allegation of abuse has been made, so hopefully someone will be extra vigilant and discover who the abuser is.
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A paid sitter or caregiver is not a visitor. Sits awake overnight.
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Araminta as you know I am English and quite frankly I wouldn't give a rat's arse what the regulations or the NH says I would get a covert camera inserted into a clock and perhaps something else and get relatives to place them discreetly. Or if I was feeling as pissed off as I would be I would get a member of the press to do a covert study. This whole issue of abuse really angers me. Abusers should be strung up and the families of those they abused let loose on them. Rant over.
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Actually not rant over. You may not be able to put a CCTV in but I will lay odds there is nothing to stop you putting in a listening device. Then if that show some level of abuse you have grounds to demand action
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