So, let me say right up front that I believe my mother and my uncle have a highly dysfunctional relationship with my grandmother. They both carry years of resentment over perceived grievances throughout their lives. And it affects the way they treat my grandmother – my mom with her lack of urgency and unwillingness to inconvenience herself, and my uncle with his volatile outbursts and blaming her for everything that’s ever gone wrong in his life. Truthfully, my grandmother’s past manipulation has earned a certain amount of this. But she has dementia now and the lines between reality and the stories she has twisted throughout the years are blurred at best. My feeling is that if confrontation was going to happen, it should have been when she was able to defend herself – not now when she’s becoming increasingly dependent and vulnerable.
So here’s the problem. My uncle’s ex-girlfriend was helping us choose an in-home care agency since she’s worked in the field for a very long time and has insight that was enormously helpful to us. She pulled me aside and told me that she has grave concerns over my grandmother’s emotional and financial safety as it pertains to my uncle. He lives in Gramma’s home and has taken over Gramma’s bill paying. The Ex told me that she witnessed frequent verbal abuse of my grandmother during the time she and my uncle were together. She tried to act as peacemaker and also encouraged Gramma to kick my uncle out of her home. But Gramma always blamed his tirades on depression and the “wrongs” he’d experienced in his life (divorces, disappointments, broken dreams, blah, blah, blah). That he was verbally ugly toward Gramma came as no surprise – I saw it numerous times when I was younger - but the intensity of what I can only call verbal assaults given the Ex’s descriptions and Gramma’s obvious fear was new to me. My dad also saw it recently and said my uncle clearly crossed the line with the way he was screaming and cussing at her. He’s a big man, and she’s a tiny old lady. My dad said you could see how scared she was and how confused it made her. Luckily my dad was able to intervene and send my uncle outside. He’s a big man, too. But what happens when no one else is there?
The Ex broke up when the verbal abuse began to include her, and she felt at that time that it wasn’t her place to interfere with the family dynamic. But given our new dementia diagnosis and knowing that elder abuse is a much higher risk with dementia patients, she felt she needed to tell someone. Her belief is that it’s probably happening daily. She also said that my uncle has carried a debit card for Gramma’s account with him for years, and that he would use it to take her and her kids out to dinner, buy all of his gas, clothes, etc. He does work a full time job and makes good money, but he’d rather use hers.
I can’t ignore this. I also can’t confront him without knowing for certain what is really happening. My sisters (living out of state) are urging me to plant a granny-cam in her house. I’m pretty certain that is illegal, but short of hiding in the closet, I don’t know how else to get to the truth. And if I do get evidence, what the heck do I do with it? Illegal evidence isn’t admissible. Bottom line, though, if he’s abusing Gramma it needs to stop. He should not be allowed to continue holding POA - which he shares with my mom - he shouldn’t be allowed to be alone with Gramma, and he should not have access to her accounts. I don’t care about what happens after she dies. What he inherits, which is half of the assets to the best of my knowledge, is not my concern. My grandfather and grandmother made that decision long ago, and I respect their wishes. But I can’t allow abuse to continue, if indeed it is occurring. My mom, I think, would be happy to pretend she doesn’t know about it. She told me that if I take action and it causes my uncle to be removed from the home, Gramma will die. But is it better to leave her in a situation where she is being abused? I just can’t believe that.
What do you think? Has anyone gone through this before? Any great bits of advice or experience to share?
Can she afford a trust co to handle her financial affairs?
I went through a full year of effort to stop my brother's abuse.
I first filled out the state's elder abuse report form online a year ago. After 2 months went by and I'd heard nothing, I called the state office and was told they closed the case without ever investigating. My brother lives only 20 minutes away, but is in another state, so they said they can't do anything because he's in another state and they don't cross state lines.
I thought that was an incredibly lame excuse, but, having been a federal employee myself, I know how unlikely it is for state, county and federal workers to ever lose their jobs (unless they're working for a political party and their party is voted out), hence, they don't have incentive to do their job. I gave up on them.
I got on some forums, found national agencies in other states, but got zero help.
I also called numerous attorneys, but most said they only deal with nursing home abuse. One said he could help, made a few calls, charged me $400 and then quit returning my calls and emails.
I even called my parents own attorney who called them in the NEXT day (with me) to find out what was going on. We talked for a while but Dad is mentally clueless now. He doesn't know where he is or wh, and gets angry if asked questions because he doesn't know the answer. Mom, otoh, won't get my brother in trouble... so they were silent. I provided some of the massive amt of proof I have, but the attorney really didn't know what to do with it. They made a conference call and someone suggested a restraining order. I'd already tried that. The city said they won't file one unless I file a police report first. So, I'd called police. Police said I have no written proof of threats to my parents' lives, so they wouldn't do anything either.
Then I found an agency within my city that deals with elder abuse. An attorney talked to me at length on the phone for several weeks before finally coming by one day with an associate to visit with my parents. I left so they wouldn't think that I was the actual abuser trying to get rid of others and so they wouldn't have to worry that either parent was unable to be truthful with me present.
I had recordings of the abuse (no hitting; just a lot of guilt, whining about money and how they're "owed" it, and complaining) which the officials refused to take. Later they called me and said there's nothing they can do. Neither parent said they were being abused. They saw no signs of violence or neglect.
And that was that.
My brother continues to beg, whine, cajole, get angry, cry, sob, get red in the face frustrated, and explain why our parents need to go back to paying all of his living expenses. He's worn Mom down multiple times, so a trust co took over the bills to alleviate that and so he can't blame ME since I had the checkbooks for a while after Mom had her stroke.
So. First of all, think through how she is to be cared for and who by. You need to have a plan you can action, ideally one that removes uncle from her home without distressing grandma, which necessarily means without doing anything to him that she wouldn't like.
This is her son. She is going to want to continue to see him, and she is going to want to know that he is okay. Have him arrested, have him forcibly evicted, and you are going to upset her. Avoid it if possible by persuading him that there are better care options. Does the rest of the family have any sway with him?
My uncle is 61. Regardless of the dynamics and history between them, he is responsible for how he behaves toward his mom. It's not my intention to render judgement on his reasons; rather, I'm saying that his actions are completely unacceptable. And to the point made by Countrymouse - he is fundamentally unsuited to the role of caregiver.
My mom - well, all I can say is that many of you pretty much nailed it. She enables my uncle because it's easier for her than taking action. And I have told her very straightforwardly that doing nothing is the same as abusing Gramma herself.
Some thoughts after reading your posts - and I can't tell you how incredibly valuable this discussion has been:
1. I need to consult with an elder care attorney. Will research and make an appointment today.
2. I am going to put the cameras in. Will order today.
3. Have advised my mother to demand a monthly financial review with my uncle where they can look at her regular account (the one my uncle monitors) and her investment account (the one my mom monitors). Will hound her until she does this.
4. Will discuss my concerns with the home health agency that we've brought in. I don't think they'll see any signs of abuse. If I'm correct, the abuse is verbal, emotional and financial. I do not think she's being physically abused, but it won't hurt to be extra vigilant.
5. I need to make my presence more of an issue in her home. I'm not in a position to become her caregiver myself. I already work about 65 hours per week. But I can make soup and other stuff she likes and bring it to her. If I pop in randomly on a frequent basis, I might just catch my uncle unawares and in the middle of something I can use as proof.
6. I did discuss with my mother my goal of trying to get POA away from my uncle. I also suggested that if we're successful, we also get a guardian appointed to administer her finances. Mom agreed.
Anything I'm missing?
IF YOU HEAR OF VERBAL OR PHYSICAL ABUSE YOU MUST REPORT IT!! In Texas you can file the report anonymously if you like. Regardless, when Adult Protective comes to speak with your Uncle and Gramma they will not use any names to avoid a possible escalation of the abuse. So call and report your Uncle. Please do this today. AND I would advise getting all of her assets put in a Trust with you as Trustee. That way all debits must be approved by you!!! Or talk to her bank about removing him from her accounts. I am a Financial Advisor and Elder Advocate and have seen this situation so many times. Rarely does it work out. If he makes a decent income why can’t he pick up the tab sometimes for his sweet Mother??? I will pray for your family and if you have any questions please feel free to contact me. 🙏
Does she have an ax to grind?
If your grandmother was abusive to your Uncle and mother. These people should not be taking care of her.
It is difficult enough to handle elder care, but someone who was abused can never be objective. Also, she is likely still covertly abusing your relatives, when others are not around.
Rather than contacting APS, why not get a free consult with an elder care attorney.
It would be best to talk to the elder care attorney and seek guidance, before contacting APS, because depending on the state, they can appoint a guardian and you will then be out of the loop.
If anyone is financially abusing your grandmother, the paper trail of expenditures will be evident and easy to use as a reason to remove your Uncle's POA.
Physical abuse should also be easily apparent to medical professions.
Emotional abuse will be the difficult thing to prove.
Lastly, a person can be somewhat demented but still deemed capable of appointing their own POA. Therefore getting guardianship is not as easy as it sounds, unless your grandmother is deemed incompetent by a court of law.
Deeming someone incompetent is very difficult. Mild to moderate dementia is not reason enough. If the person is aware of the reason they want a particular POA and can articulate this, they will be deemed competent.
The hidden camera will help for physical abuse, but not emotional abuse, if it is allowed in your state.
Lastly, if you can afford it, can you pay for her elder care in a good facility?
The uncle that WAS tending to her passed away from an overdose... thank goodness it didn't happen at HER house.
I am blown away by the lack of responses when contacting attorneys and other officials.
Aso, in order to communicate with the bank you might need to have her with you OR have a court order... might check into that.
The HH Person CAN report suspected abuses to his/her boss. The boss is supposed to call social services. An investigation should take place.
I apologize for my long message. .. I'm just fired up because we, too, had to fight. God speed.
(Soapbox over for now)
caregiver.org/adult-protective-services-and-elder-abuse-hotline-1
Adult Protective Services assist vulnerable and elder adults to stop and prevent abuse, neglect, or exploitation. Anyone can make a report about suspected ...
We visited but were kept at arm's length. When we saw her fingernails bruised on a latter visit (the son scoffed when she said he'd slammed her hand in the piano) we reported suspicion of abuse to her doctor. He told us we were overreacting, and did nothing. He said his concern "was keeping the family on friendly terms. She'll be gone soon, and her children will need to get along with one another"!!!
We did not call APS because my husband (her other son) knew they'd take her, medicate her, and we'd lose rights. So we found an elder-law attorney and began guardianship proceedings, expensive but worth it. Guardian-At-Lidim was appointed, who went into her home, took pictures to present to the court, and shook his head wondering why social services hadn't been there before. Two months later she was with us.
With a guardianship, (in our case) the court appoints the Guardian of Estate, an attorney who oversees all finances. They appointed my husband, a retired nurse, her Guardian of Person. We lost certain rights, but for us it was providential, saving brothers from greater discord when the attorney sold her house and eventually evicted the son. My husband did not have to run back and forth to her home, hours away, to empty it, clean it, try to sell it, with a hostile brother obstructing! What a relief!
Fear keeps us from acting. Pray. Don't fear. Get help so you can act! Ex girlfriend can put you in touch with the right people if she's afraid to get in the middle of it.
Mom missed her son of course, but thrived with us, where she was fed balanced meals, bathed, and provided with more interaction. Now she is in a nearby memory care facility where she seems to enjoy all the activity around her, smiles at staff, tries to talk with residents, it has been so much better than we expected!
I would start by contacting APS immediately to report the abuse and the financial exploitation. Then, I would talk to an elder law attorney and get some advice as to how you can help your grandma. Could you or would you be willing to seek guardianship?
I finally had to obtain guardianship over my mother for some of the same reasons you describe, after I found out that my sister was abusing mom both verbally and physically, and was exploiting her financially.
Your mom doesn't want to see her inheritance spent on your grandma's care so she is willing that a feeble, frail broken old woman gets abused, she deserves it after all, right! You are complicit in this view if you do nothing.
Your grandma will not die if she is placed in a safe, kind and caring environment. Your mom knew the button to shut you up, didn't she.
I am horrified that anyone has to ask if they should protect this woman, you have two, count them - Ex and your dad, who actually saw the abuse taking place. What more do you need?
I apologize if this seems harsh or is offensive but I am sick of people looking the other way when someone is being hurt, I have had to call CPS and APS, I believe I would rather be dead than sit back and watch a vulnerable child or senior being abused.
CALL NOW!
At one point in my dad's care at a nursing home, he showed me finger marks on his wrist and said that the "nurse had grabbed him and shoved him because she didn't want him to soil himself or have to change his Depends!” I immediately responded to this. Not only did this get reported to the facility, to my dad's lawyer (who was able to give me advice), but also to DHEC. My only regret now, is that I didn't immediately call the police.
Elderly people often need someone else to be their voice. They can easily be intimidated by their abusers. For my dad, he was afraid the care-giver would retaliate if he said anything. I assured him that I would not allow that person to ever step foot in his room again, and I made that clear to the facility, too! Had that person ever gone back into his room, I would have called the police! Thankfully the facility worked with me, but I don't know if the individual whom we believe was at fault received anything more than a "hand slap." Which is why, in retrospect, I wish I had called the police.
Also, as it's been said, get involved yourself so you can see more of what's going on. You have evidence of one event when your dad intervened. By being more involved you will likely see more. Or it could also provide a little break for your uncle, which he no doubt needs. Talk with your uncle about how the additional stress it's causing him. You could be an ally to both of them by being supportive. If he can understand the stress he's under and accept help that would be best. He may be receptive to the idea of putting her in a dementia care facility - (AFTER you've found one that appears safe).
It is to late to get involved in any way but contacting the authorities.
The threat of abuse is real, and your grandmother needs to be protected...
You can start with making a call to Adult Protective Services (as has been previously recommended).
Your uncle, for whatever his issues have been in the past is under great stress and needs a break from the added responsibilities as your grandmother's needs increase.
this does not have to be seen as punishment for your uncle, but as help and support... and we breathe...
Get your dad to put grandma in dementia facility where she is safe. Period. If everyone harbors resentment, then they can just stop seeing her! My guess is that next you will find that they refuse to spend the money, because they figure THEY deserve it.
Do YOU want to be Grandma's caregiver? Because that may be a difficult but possible option.
What is described is a perfect set-up for financial exploitation, and it sounds like some of that might be going on.
I'm surprised that this social worker doesn't feel obligated to report the behavior on her own to Adult Protective Services, who should maintain confidentiality...but clearly only certain people would have knowledge of this.
It also comes to mind that perhaps your uncle, as the primary caregiver is feeling the stress/strain of being in that role and all the responsibilities...not that he isn't getting something out of it...but it is still hard. His life will be shaken up as far as his living circumstances if you intervene/kick him out...but with the current POA that's not going to happen, and then you have the load of past history on both his and your mom's parts.
If you have concerns I would see a couple choices. For sure, if you want hide a camera if you think you can. I know some have done it in stuffed animals...the other is you (if you can afford it) contact an elder law attorney, of if the situation is more dire, hold off on that and contact Adult Protective Services. If you're concerned for her physical safety you may want to consult with the local police department, or may want to get Grandma out when your uncle is not home. Very messy with the abuser being a POA. And you said that was shared with your mom, who will probably not cooperate as well? That's why I think the elder law attorney may be of help. If funds are tight maybe they would be agreeable to a half hour consult?
Your grandma is very lucky to have you in her corner.
PS you also might want to connect with your local office on aging. But again, if this is as serious as the ex makes it sound and you seem to know, they took would probably encourage calling APS...
If it makes you feel any better, I loved both my aunt and uncle...my uncle was very ill, my aunt was his primary caregiver in a small home. But she has her issues...and I talked to her regularly and it was easy for her to say how she had done this or that and it was becoming clear to me that she was burning out and not taking compassionate care of him. I struggled with it, but anonymously made a call to the APS in their area (they are out of town from where I live). They investigated and nothing came of it. Good luck....
2 - your mom doesn't have a crystal ball telling you that Granny will die without uncle there - that's her inertia of not wanting to have to deal with things herself so she says things that will keep anyone from rocking the boat
3 - put in the camera discretely without him knowing it but in an aside with low key tell Granny you will be doing it - if she doesn't outright say 'NO' then you have her permission & it's her house - while it may not be admissible in a court it would be enough for adult protective services to act on it then they turf out uncle not you
4 - your mom [as co-POA] seems to be dropping the ball about Granny's money because she is not checking up on reports of financial abuse this could put your mom in a bad position later on - again her inertia but depending where you live she could have to pay for Granny's care herself because she didn't safe guard that money from uncle
This accusation is very serious, unless you have first hand knowledge, you simply have no basis. However, if you have witnessed, call APS. There is a process that investigates, however if nothing is found to be provable most likely the situation might deteriorate.
I am always surprised when extended family who are not on the front lines caregiving, offer the APS solution knowing nothing concrete. Get involved! Help out, then you will be a more credible voice in your grandmothers care and if her situation needs to change you might help navigate those decisions.
I see that you have discussed the situation with your mother. A riposte to what she told you, that if you take action and uncle leaves Grandma will die, would be that if mother does nothing and Grandma comes to harm as a result of uncle's abuse, she will be responsible. See "Wilful Blindness" - bystanders who allow bad things to happen must share the blame.
Kudos to your father for intervening as he did. Was it difficult? How did your uncle take it?
I have more sympathy for your uncle's situation than you might expect. I went through a very difficult period feeling enormous anger and resentment towards my mother at exactly the point when she was becoming completely dependent on my care. It was horrible. No small thanks to AC, I adjusted and I learned; but if I'd been a big strong man with no one to help me gain insight... there but for the grace of God, is what I'm thinking.
So. You need to do something, but what?
I agree that you should involve outsiders, and APS is the obvious place to turn. But first of all: think through what result you would consider a good outcome. That might be, for example: uncle moving out or moving back to where he lived before; alternative support for grandmother in the short-term, until a detailed care plan can be worked out for her; or 24/7 support in the home, depending on whether it is felt that that would be enough to defuse the tensions that are triggering the abuse.
What *does* trigger it? Was your uncle always given to bullying his mother, or has this come to light only since he's been under pressure as her primary caregiver? It's a question of whether he's having difficulty coping, or whether he is fundamentally unsuited to the role.
On the money side: somebody needs to call uncle to account for his management of your grandmother's money, and the obvious person is the person who has joint responsibility - your mother. She needs to realise that if mother's money has been misspent, she has *equal* responsibility. So if she is afraid to ask your uncle what he's up to, she just isn't capable of doing the job. She must either shape up, or resign. She cannot sit there pretending everything is fine.
You can always call APS anonymously and ask for advice about your options. Please keep in touch and let us know how you're getting on.
Verbal abuse, physical abuse, financial abuse, mental abuse.
Let the "experts" determine if abuse is occurring.
From one of the encounters you described future physical abuse is possible if it has not occurred already.
You say your Mom says if he is removed Grandma would die..the reality is if he is NOT removed Grandma could also die.
It also sounds like he should be removed as POA and there is a good possibility that someone should file for Guardianship. And she may also do better in Assisted Living or if needed Memory Care.