My father is currently in a nursing home. Extremely unhappy. Refuses to eat the food there. Stating it's disgusting. He wants his own place. My dad has dementia, stage 4 kidney failure, stage 2 diabetic, passes out from time to time, requires assistance clothing, bathing and with medications. He only eats meals my sisters and I bring him. At the nursing home he only eats sandwiches which is increasing his chances for kidney failure.
The nursing home brings your Dad special meals that have no or very little sodium and no or very little potassium. So those meals won't taste as good as meals your Dad had years ago before this kidney issue. Your Dad can eat sandwiches as long as it is white bread with fresh chicken or beef [no cold cuts which are very high in sodium].
Of course your Dad wants his own place, just about every elder does, they want back their independence. As for Assisted Living, it all depends on how the business is licensed. Some places will accept new residents with chronic medical issues, others will not.
My first call would be to get a family meeting scheduled with the Director of Nursing and the Social Worker at the nursing home where he resides. All interested parties need to attend (Mom (if still alive) and children of Dad). Sit down with them and discuss Dad's situation. What were the circumstances as to how was he initially placed in a skilled nursing facility? Was he hospitalized and then sent to skilled nursing for "rehab" or physical therapy? There is usually a discharge plan and nursing home plan in place. Is your Mom still alive? What does she say/want? Does your Dad have all his personal papers in order: durable POA, medical POA (health care proxy), will, etc. etc.
You need to tell yourself over and over you are doing all that you can in your Dad's best interest. My gosh you have had to move Dad numerous times to help make him content. And moving isn't easy. You've gone above and beyond in my book.
Even if you could move Dad to his own place, he wouldn't be happy there.... you could move him to your own house, and again he wouldn't be happy. it's tough getting older having multi-medical issues, it can make anyone pretty grumpy. Especially if you need someone to help you get dress.... [sigh].
With all of his multiple health problems, there is no way to " fix" things, even though that's what dad wants you to do. You need to understand in your head that his health issues are no longer fixable. He's on a special diet for health reasons. If he choses to ignore those limitations, he might die sooner. So what?
I'd talk with the NH staff about giving him what he wants to eat.
It sounds like you may be trying to please your father and that may not be possible. People with dementia are often troubled, worried, discontented and concerned. Your father may not be happy regardless of where he is living or what he is eating. I'd read a lot about dementia and how it causes the brain to work in ways that are not like what we are used to.
Have you actually checked out that he remembers what foods were served at meal time? I'd make sure that he's remembering what he ate and that he's not having delusions about bad food.
I'm not sure why you feel like a failure. You're doing your best to make the right decisions in an informed manner. Many seniors and people with dementia don't have that benefit. I'd try to think it through more clearly and stop being so hard on yourself. You should be proud of the way you consider your dad's feelings and welfare.
I'd really rely on what professionals say about his needs. After a certain point, the patient is not in a position to know what is best. They even lose the ability to know the difference. He could be living in AL and not realize it.
Has he made his wishes known for care? I think it's important to ensure that people who are in advanced dementia are treated with things they like. So, I regularly take my cousin her favorite foods. I know that her Memory Care facility provides healthy foods, but I take her all the treats she always like, including her favorite dishes, soft drinks and deserts. I don't think she remembers it later though.
Have you looked into a Memory Care AL. Their features vary by state, but in NC, they handle a lot of different stages, even to the final stage. You might look into that to see if it's an option. Some states pay for it, if the patient qualifies by doctor order and their income.