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mother is staying in the bed most of the time now do to dizzy spells, she is also a dialyis paient. they want to put her in a nursing home but she dose not want to go. I have no idea how to care for her but Im willing to try.
No one wants to go into a nursing home but sometimes it's necessary.
How do you get your mom up and to dialysis?
Taking care of someone who is bed bound is next to impossible. And someone who has to live their life in bed is vulnerable to many health issues like pneumonia, skin breakdown, and an exacerbation of whatever other health issues she already has.
If you keep your mom at home you're going to have to learn how to change her while she's in bed. YouTube has tutorials on how to do this. You will also have to learn how to change her bedding while she's in bed. It's a pain in the neck but it's doable.
You'll have to get a hospital bed so she can sit up to eat and drink and that has rails in case she gets it into her mind to get up one night to use the bathroom.
These are just a few issues you'll face trying to take care of your bed bound mom. You are liable to burn out quickly so it might not be a bad idea to have some options for when you get to the point where you just can't do it anymore. Tour a few facilities, have some connections to people who can help you place her if/when it comes to that.
I don't mean to be cruel, but hard facts must influence your decision. What is your Mom's life expectancy? Will she go off dialysis, and enter hospice? What are your financial resources to hire help, if she stays on dialysis?
If the life expectancy is less than 6 months, you could do it with at the very least an 4 hour a day paid caregiver so you can get sleep and do errands, or a family member helping. Caregiver burnout will be a huge problem. This can be managed.
One of the signs you are entering the dying stage is staying in bed all day. Call your Mom's Dr and get a referral to hospice. See what they advise.
Know you will be going through the grief process, the whole time. You will cycle through all 5 stages many times, can you handle that and still give care? Many people can't. There is no shame in acknowledging your limits.
I take care of my 93 year old Dad who has Parkinson's. It has been the most frustrating, rewarding, physical and mentaly challenging job I have ever done being a 24/7/365. The truth is as tired, as isolated, and as sad as I am; I feel like I am doing God's work, and I am not even religious. I have grown in compassion, intelligence, and strength, hell i know I can achieve anything now. I am happy, and Dad has a life.
I say do it, take care of her at home, but have the hard talk with your Mom as to how she wants to die. You will be a team, she must sacrifice too. If you try and can't do it, then you will know in your heart you gave it your all. If she is placed in a nursing home, have no shame, guilt, or regrets. Know that in some ways you will have a harder job as a nursing home caregiver. You will be dealing with many people to get your Mom good care, and many runs to the emergency room with all the grief and panic that instills. The more informed you are, the easier your job. Good luck we are here for you.
Hearing you say that you have no idea how to care for her, tells me a lot. Personally, it sounds cruel not to let your mom have the care that a NH can give. What will you do in an emergency? What happens if you get pneumonia or stomach flu? What is your mom outlives you? My mother is 95 and thriving under NH care. My MIL is 91 and is in ass't living. Things aren't perfect, but I am 60. I could not take care of two 90 YOs.
i think kathy1 said it best . even whats best for your mothers health isnt as important as doing what she wants , imo . my mom passed away a year ago and she did it entirely on her terms and at her home . she remained in control of her environment until we had to start the morphine the last few hours of her life . aunt edna is in nh and medically better cared for but has no control over anything . i think if you and your mother want to try in your home care you should do it . you can educate yourself online as you go . if mom becomes impossible to care for at home just explain to her that nh is the form of hospitalization that the us govt affords and she needs hospitalization . in hindsight my biggest accomplishment in caring for mom was not letting ANYONE take control away from her . she wasnt a child , she was a genius with dementia and several medical complications related to old age / disease .
That is the biggest accomplishment. The greatest gift you can give, letting her call the shots, giving her control over her life, and environment. It is an intangible happiness that is never taken in consideration when making this decision. Plus it makes caregiving so much easier, doing what she wants no matter how unsafe you believe it to be. If your mother prizes automony over safety, then do it. To those people who prize automony, my Dad is one, putting her in a nursing home is cruel. She is a grown woman, let her have that dignity
kathyedale, you asked "Can I take care of my Mom at home as well as a nursing home?"
You would need to clone yourself twice as you would be doing the work of 3 Caregivers each and every day. And you would need to set up your home as though it was a nursing home. If you are doing this alone, then everything you need, like groceries, household goods, meds, will need to be home delivered.
In a nursing home, the Caregiver works one 8 hour shift and goes home, gets rested, and is ready for the next day. Plus they get vacation days and sick days. They know CPR, they know how to take blood pressure readings, they know all the tricks on how to get a patient out of bed to use the rest room or how to use a bed pan.... they know all the tricks for getting a patient to eat or to take their pills. And these are "young" Caregivers, who have the patience and the energy.
So I stress, think this all the way through, and read some other forums on this website about caring for one at home. Recently one of our regular writers here had a heart attack, she is doing ok now but the stress become overwhelming, even thought she thought she could handle everything.
If a patient is bed-bound, I'd say a nursing home provides better/safer care. Sans that, it's whatever a patient wants -- and whatever a caretaker is willing to do.
For the last week or ten days of her life, mom was bed-bound. I can tell you that this strong, scrappy 5'8" gal was at the end of her rope by the time she passed. Mom weighed 100 pounds. I was just about ready to throw in the towel when I realized "this was it" -- she was dying.
In just a week, her heels hurt her from being in bed just THAT long. Pulling the sheets/diapers out from under her (until I got better at it) ran the risk of ripping her parchment-like skin open. Taking care of seniors at home isn't for sissies, I'll tell you THAT much.
Bed-bound and long-term? I'd say it's darned near impossible.
Next time you go to a nursing home, look around. Not one of those people "wants to be there" -- nobody does. But sometimes? It's the best and safest thing we can do for the person we love.
There are many factors to consider, but I would research and figure out what the options are. You should do what you feel is best. Sometimes family members are not equipped to handle a loved one at home.
You said your mom stays in bed for fear of getting dizzy and falling. What if she stayed in a wheelchair, but got up and out of her room during the day? This might make her happier and help with her circulation.
Does your mom have dementia? I have noticed in Dementia units that I have visited, that even the patients who are not able to sit unassisted are gotten up in the morning and put into wheel chairs that provide support of their bodies. I guess this is a good thing. I'm not a medical expert, so I don't know if there would be a benefit for her to stay in bed all the time, unless she is on Hospice.
If she is dizzy, her docs need to know- "taking to bed" is a harbringer of dying for all the reasons everyone else has posted. Plan a visit to the dcotor where you can go with her - if she can go, she might just say "Oh, I'm fine." It may well be she needs something treated, or at least some change to amounts of fluid or electrolytes in dialysis, and then a push to get herself up and out of bed. Actually just staying in bed too much can cause you to lose the ability to tolerate being upright; it's called orthostatic hypotension.
You might do as well or better than a nursing home - you might not be able to do it for long if Mom is difficult and demanding - a lot of things go into deciding whether to try home care versus starting to look for a good facility, either temporary as a sub-acute rehab stay, or long term.
My mom would be gone if she wasn't in a nh. Her bp and other vitals are taken several times daily. If she has a physical problem, there is a nurse practitioner who sees her. Who calls the MD if it's something serious. The podiatrist sees her, she has pt and ot working on getting her up and walking. The wound care doc comes by to check any skin tears or suspicious sores. My grandma, my mom's mom, died of gangrene. Not a great way to go. All because of poor circulation, lack of good podiatry ( my aunt "did" her feet) and the fact that my mom and aunt thought that they were doing the right thing.
Kathy, your profile states that your mother is in hospital - is that where she currently is? Are you wanting advice on agreeing a discharge plan for her?
Nope kiddo, don't do it. You won't last a week. Just the way you ask, you are not sure. You have to be sure, determined, unwavering and unafraid of the unknown.
Do you have children still at home? How do they feel about this big change in lifestyle? Do you have sisters, brothers other family promising to help? They will for awhile but be prepared to go this completely alone. How is your health?
It was the most physically and emotionally draining 3 years of my life. You might be wise to read through several areas of this board to just get a feel for what others have experienced. Once you commit it is very difficult to move your loved one to a professional facility. Best wishes.
It is good to hear that you are willing to try and to make the effort to take care of your Mom. That is very noble considering how busy life is and how our careers can consume most of our time. Though you need to prepare a lot in keeping your Mom in good condition during her stay with you, accepting the challenge makes you one step ahead of the task. Is your Mom sick or suffering from a certain kind of illness? It would be much better to familiarize yourself with the disease or illness that she has. Knowing the early stages, signs of recovery or indications that she is getting worse or getting better is very important. The more you know about her disease, the more equipped you will be in taking good care of her. Are you married and do you have kids at home staying with you and with your Mom? It would be better to familiarize them with the condition of your Mom, her illness and basic information about the illness that she has. You still have to build and maintain a good relationship with the people you love and close to you even if you are taking care of your Mom. You need to create a balance between taking care of her and living a life for your own. Creating that balance could be difficult but it is possible. You’ll get the hang of it after a certain period of adjustment. Are you always present to take care of your Mom or assist her to the hospital during her dialysis sessions? If not, have someone who could bring her to the doctor. You could ask for hired help to do this or one of your elder kids can do the task for you. Of course you need to prepare yourself emotionally to the possible daunting ask of taking care of your Mom. You have no way on predicting if she will remain to be the sweet Mom you grew up with. Diseases can really take the best out of people so you need to be ready for the possible changes. It could also be an emotional whirlwind during the first stages of adjustments so prepare. The important thing here is you are willing. Willingness can bring you a long way, and most of the time helps in achieving success.
kathyedale, don't forget at a nursing home your mother will be seeing different people throughout the day, and she can form new friendships with other residents, maybe make some new best friends.
Your Mom wouldn't be able to do that if she lived at home, you would need to be her entertainment all day long so that she doesn't get bored and depressed.
You have a lot of varying perspectives here. Listen to your instincts. Are the dizzy spells related to meds? Find out and have them changed. If I was in your mom's place I sure wouldn't want to go to a nursing home either. Even the best of them need strong oversight by family because mistakes can and do happen, and the squeaky wheel does get the most attention.
No, you cannot care for someone on dialysis at home. It requires expensive equipment. Being on dialysis is a very demanding routine, and requires medical knowledge which you do not indicate you have. Put her in a nursing home where professionals can care for her and you can visit. This would be in HER best interests.
At the very least look into visiting nurses, home health aides, and if her insurance could pay for them, or she can afford them otherwise. You are taking on an awful lot if the patient is bedridden and must be changed more than once during the day, as well as her clothing, sheets etc. A visiting nurse could at least do all of that stuff for you. Otherwise, no one wants to put a loved one in a nursing home, but sometimes it's the only way for them to get the care they need on the level they need it. Best of luck.
My own Mom will soon be going to an AL. She says "I'm only going because my kids want me there", but in fact Mom is making this decision herself because she has refused Meals on Wheels, has refused Medication monitoring, Lifeline,etc. She has fallen, taken wrong meds, doesn't eat regularly and is very weak, unsafe. Also cancels CNA's for baths, so there is nothing else to do, because we do love her.
I tried caring for my mother at home with nurses through out the day after her stroke. We did this for 3 months. Unfortunately it did not work out well. She is in a nursing home now and she seems much happier. She was very isolated at home. She only saw people when they came to visit and she was very angry, anxious and even paranoid at home. The nursing home got her on meds which has helped alot with these emotions and she has alot of friends and loves the activities and the activity staff. It was the hardest decision for me to make this choice for her but I feel that this was the best solution for her safety as well as my sanity. Good luck with your decision .
Our family voted to send my mother to a memory facility, which I have regretted ever since she got there. We have had to pay for 12 hour care on top of what the facility provides as she is now getting toward hospice situation. They don't have enough help at the facility to watch her all day, which is what she needs. My mother is very mobile still in some ways and tries to get up, so not the same as your situation. Getting good nurse care and Hospice might be a better option for you. Personally, I don't see many people happy in this memory facility situation. Other residents can be dangerous, as well. My mother was injured by another resident. Just my two cents and I am sure other people have had different experiences.
Keaton, it sounds like a different facility would be a possible answer. It's wrenching to go through all the due diligence of finding a decent facility, let alone deciding and accepting that you need one...only to realize it's a bad fit. I had picked one for mom based on the things I liked in a facility - busy, happy, chatty, homey...but Mom hated it and we moved to one I thought was too sterile and boring, which suited Mom just fine. (Oh well - at least I know where I want to go if I ever need it.) In retrospect, its easy enough to see where I fell short on that one, though all the other ones I'd picked were great at least for a while, but at the time it hurt to realize I'd blown it.
Dear Vstephans, Thanks for your suggestion. Our family researched and brought mom to a couple other senior memory facilities. This one is top of the line, has a beautiful garden and the rooms are large enough. She never wanted to leave home, cried the whole day when my family took her there. Believe me, some of the people who work there are diligent and caring. It's the system--doesn't work.The problem is residents who are bigger and stronger hurt my mother. She is small. The ratio is 8 residents for one caregiver. There are about 70 residents. If you have got a few situations, someone is going to be neglected. I visit a lot and I have seen quite a few ugly situations. I see things relatives never see as they get the resident "fixed up" for the visit. The food is monotonous, cafeteria style--not enough fresh food or variety. They have had scabies three times and other germs floating around in the last two years because residents return from hospitals with germs and other conditions. Residents stream in and out of my mother's room all day so that she really has no sense of privacy at all. At home with two caregivers is safer, more comfortable, in so many ways in my humble opinion (that is, if you can afford it.) As it is now, we are paying top dollar for this place and we have had to hire daycare on top of it to care for mom as she was getting hurt and falling while she was there. I have asked my family to reconsider taking her home, but they won't do it. They are renting her home now and it would become complicated, I guess.
"Top of the line" isn't always the best fit. Small, crowded, low-rent and busy-happy might be better than big, expensive and well-landscaped but kind of a lowish staff ratio but crappy food and some degree of remoteness or uncaringness...these folks don't sound like they do more to look good than to be good, and probably don't deserve your top dollars. Seriously - there may be a much better place for less or the same costs - maybe even a board-and-care type of place. It is a lot of work to do and re-do the research though, that's for sure.
I think you are probably right about that. Don't know if it's possible now, as they have put her on Hospice, but I am going to look into it. Are you in California?
Actually, my mom went from skilled nursing to a residential hospice facility that was one of the nicest places she ever got to stay after she fell at home and never made it back. Maybe there is something like that near you? One of the real pluses was they had a day bed where I could even sleep over...
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How do you get your mom up and to dialysis?
Taking care of someone who is bed bound is next to impossible. And someone who has to live their life in bed is vulnerable to many health issues like pneumonia, skin breakdown, and an exacerbation of whatever other health issues she already has.
If you keep your mom at home you're going to have to learn how to change her while she's in bed. YouTube has tutorials on how to do this. You will also have to learn how to change her bedding while she's in bed. It's a pain in the neck but it's doable.
You'll have to get a hospital bed so she can sit up to eat and drink and that has rails in case she gets it into her mind to get up one night to use the bathroom.
These are just a few issues you'll face trying to take care of your bed bound mom. You are liable to burn out quickly so it might not be a bad idea to have some options for when you get to the point where you just can't do it anymore. Tour a few facilities, have some connections to people who can help you place her if/when it comes to that.
If the life expectancy is less than 6 months, you could do it with at the very least an 4 hour a day paid caregiver so you can get sleep and do errands, or a family member helping. Caregiver burnout will be a huge problem. This can be managed.
One of the signs you are entering the dying stage is staying in bed all day. Call your Mom's Dr and get a referral to hospice. See what they advise.
Know you will be going through the grief process, the whole time. You will cycle through all 5 stages many times, can you handle that and still give care? Many people can't. There is no shame in acknowledging your limits.
I take care of my 93 year old Dad who has Parkinson's. It has been the most frustrating, rewarding, physical and mentaly challenging job I have ever done being a 24/7/365. The truth is as tired, as isolated, and as sad as I am; I feel like I am doing God's work, and I am not even religious. I have grown in compassion, intelligence, and strength, hell i know I can achieve anything now. I am happy, and Dad has a life.
I say do it, take care of her at home, but have the hard talk with your Mom as to how she wants to die. You will be a team, she must sacrifice too. If you try and can't do it, then you will know in your heart you gave it your all. If she is placed in a nursing home, have no shame, guilt, or regrets. Know that in some ways you will have a harder job as a nursing home caregiver. You will be dealing with many people to get your Mom good care, and many runs to the emergency room with all the grief and panic that instills. The more informed you are, the easier your job. Good luck we are here for you.
even whats best for your mothers health isnt as important as doing what she wants , imo . my mom passed away a year ago and she did it entirely on her terms and at her home . she remained in control of her environment until we had to start the morphine the last few hours of her life .
aunt edna is in nh and medically better cared for but has no control over anything . i think if you and your mother want to try in your home care you should do it . you can educate yourself online as you go . if mom becomes impossible to care for at home just explain to her that nh is the form of hospitalization that the us govt affords and she needs hospitalization .
in hindsight my biggest accomplishment in caring for mom was not letting ANYONE take control away from her . she wasnt a child , she was a genius with dementia and several medical complications related to old age / disease .
You would need to clone yourself twice as you would be doing the work of 3 Caregivers each and every day. And you would need to set up your home as though it was a nursing home. If you are doing this alone, then everything you need, like groceries, household goods, meds, will need to be home delivered.
In a nursing home, the Caregiver works one 8 hour shift and goes home, gets rested, and is ready for the next day. Plus they get vacation days and sick days. They know CPR, they know how to take blood pressure readings, they know all the tricks on how to get a patient out of bed to use the rest room or how to use a bed pan.... they know all the tricks for getting a patient to eat or to take their pills. And these are "young" Caregivers, who have the patience and the energy.
So I stress, think this all the way through, and read some other forums on this website about caring for one at home. Recently one of our regular writers here had a heart attack, she is doing ok now but the stress become overwhelming, even thought she thought she could handle everything.
For the last week or ten days of her life, mom was bed-bound. I can tell you that this strong, scrappy 5'8" gal was at the end of her rope by the time she passed. Mom weighed 100 pounds. I was just about ready to throw in the towel when I realized "this was it" -- she was dying.
In just a week, her heels hurt her from being in bed just THAT long. Pulling the sheets/diapers out from under her (until I got better at it) ran the risk of ripping her parchment-like skin open. Taking care of seniors at home isn't for sissies, I'll tell you THAT much.
Bed-bound and long-term? I'd say it's darned near impossible.
Next time you go to a nursing home, look around. Not one of those people "wants to be there" -- nobody does. But sometimes? It's the best and safest thing we can do for the person we love.
You said your mom stays in bed for fear of getting dizzy and falling. What if she stayed in a wheelchair, but got up and out of her room during the day? This might make her happier and help with her circulation.
Does your mom have dementia? I have noticed in Dementia units that I have visited, that even the patients who are not able to sit unassisted are gotten up in the morning and put into wheel chairs that provide support of their bodies. I guess this is a good thing. I'm not a medical expert, so I don't know if there would be a benefit for her to stay in bed all the time, unless she is on Hospice.
You might do as well or better than a nursing home - you might not be able to do it for long if Mom is difficult and demanding - a lot of things go into deciding whether to try home care versus starting to look for a good facility, either temporary as a sub-acute rehab stay, or long term.
It was the most physically and emotionally draining 3 years of my life. You might be wise to read through several areas of this board to just get a feel for what others have experienced. Once you commit it is very difficult to move your loved one to a professional facility. Best wishes.
Are you married and do you have kids at home staying with you and with your Mom? It would be better to familiarize them with the condition of your Mom, her illness and basic information about the illness that she has. You still have to build and maintain a good relationship with the people you love and close to you even if you are taking care of your Mom. You need to create a balance between taking care of her and living a life for your own. Creating that balance could be difficult but it is possible. You’ll get the hang of it after a certain period of adjustment.
Are you always present to take care of your Mom or assist her to the hospital during her dialysis sessions? If not, have someone who could bring her to the doctor. You could ask for hired help to do this or one of your elder kids can do the task for you.
Of course you need to prepare yourself emotionally to the possible daunting ask of taking care of your Mom. You have no way on predicting if she will remain to be the sweet Mom you grew up with. Diseases can really take the best out of people so you need to be ready for the possible changes. It could also be an emotional whirlwind during the first stages of adjustments so prepare. The important thing here is you are willing. Willingness can bring you a long way, and most of the time helps in achieving success.
Your Mom wouldn't be able to do that if she lived at home, you would need to be her entertainment all day long so that she doesn't get bored and depressed.
Personally, I don't see many people happy in this memory facility situation. Other residents can be dangerous, as well. My mother was injured by another resident. Just my two cents and I am sure other people have had different experiences.
At home with two caregivers is safer, more comfortable, in so many ways in my humble opinion (that is, if you can afford it.) As it is now, we are paying top dollar for this place and we have had to hire daycare on top of it to care for mom as she was getting hurt and falling while she was there. I have asked my family to reconsider taking her home, but they won't do it. They are renting her home now and it would become complicated, I guess.