Mom is 87, dad is 92. They live in their own home because they absolutely refuse to go to a facility, or even have a home health aide come in. They insist they are "fine" but the reality is they are living in their very own AL facility because we kids do everything for them. I am DPOA and take care of banking, bills, and all legal matters. My husband and I also did their groceries and laundry until my brother and sister recently stepped up. My husband has gladly cooked every holiday meal (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays) for them for the past 30 years. He has helped my parents as much as he could by washing their floors and shoveling snow, but he has bad knees that are getting worse. I have clinical depression, fibromyalgia, heart disease, cardiac stent last year, and failed eye surgery that left me with poor vision, constant nausea and vertigo. I am permanently disabled and cannot drive. My father is a mean narcissist who ALWAYS has to get his way. He has been verbally, psychologically and emotionally abusive to my mom, my siblings and me our entire lives. He has held my poor mother hostage for the last 60 years, not letting her go out with her sister or her friends, and demanding she get his microwave meals ready and clean up, even though she has dementia. Although he is 92 and shuffling in a walker, he can still instill that paralyzing fear in me that I felt when I was a child. My brother and sister say they've gotten past it, but they don't spend any more time there than they have to - just do the chores and get the heck out of there. (Yes, I am in therapy for my "daddy issues", but have not made much progress - some psychological wounds go VERY deep). My husband and I want to take my mother in to live with us, but my father would never allow it because who would then take care of him? I love my mom and just want her to be happy during her last years on earth, and not have to worry about when my father is going to start yelling at her again. My father won't let me in the house anymore, and has threatened to call the cops on my husband if he ever stepped onto their property again. My husband and I have done nothing but take care of them - when we ask him what we've done wrong, he just ignores us. The incredulous (and sad) thing is the 1st floor apartment of my parents' house is empty. My husband and I offered to move in there to take care of my parents 24/7, but my father adamantly said no, just to spite me because he hates me. He said he would rather see the apartment empty and not collect rent than let me move in. (My brother lived there for a while after his divorce, as well as my son after he graduated college.)Some people would say "just go visit your mother and pretend your father isn't even there" but he is so good at pushing my buttons to hurt me, I always leave in tears. I can't even call my mom because my father listens in on the extension phone. I know she wants us to be closer and to take care of her, but she's afraid of my father and has to pretend she agrees with all of his illogical, asinine decisions. She had trouble working her TV remote, so instead of helping her with it, he cancelled her cable TV. I feel so bad - she is so isolated, and I miss her terribly. I took some advice from friends and stayed away for a couple of months, just to keep myself out of the loony bin, but the guilt is overwhelming. Anybody else dealing with 2 elderly parents in this situation?
And the odd thing is, you're both right. She needs a blend of both.
I wonder if between the two of you she ever got a chance to think what *she* would like?
After 60 years of this, your mother is pretty much bound to be institutionalised in her marriage, don't you think? And at her age, in her state of mental health, you can't just yank her out of it and think she'll thrive in a wonderful new world of peace and happiness. It would be a heck of a shock to her system. "Too late, too late!" the cry.
Meanwhile, discuss their care plan(s) - possible plans for them both separately and as a couple - with your brother and sister; because eventually there will be a crisis, or at least a major change, and you need to have thought in advance what your options are.
I agonize over this and have suffered seriously painful depression and panic over the yrs and the more clarity I get regarding the abuse I have endured is causing me more anxiety - because I cannot sustain nor will I ever please this NPD father and siblings who triangulate me and have sunk their teeth into my rear.
I have sought therapy 12 step and done what I can with what I have to survive & get as healthy as I can to set myself up to leave rather than flee. Every time I have recently been able to go they draw me back in and I realize it is part of the whole family illness and I have got to let go of mom and leave. I love her because despite severe neglect as a child, she got sober when I moved in and saved her from my dads neglect and drinking straight whiskey daily every day. She was damn near dead. My siblings always accused me of being the problem when I asserted boundaries.
My dad like many NPD people triangulated the siblings and made sure they all supplied him with adoration and trying to vie for his love - the more they did - the more he stepped it up because when he was nice - they would feel relieved and learned to be conditioned to tap dancing around his sickness. My oldest sister has severe borderline and in and out of mental facilities to save her life because she never really fully came to terms with the truth and I believe she was one of the hardest hit and least able to reconcile y fathers hatred for all of us and especially her. So they made my life hell and I was the youngest and there was such an age gap between me and them. I as an easy target for scapegoating.
My one sister who died from cancer apologized to me and outed my other BPD sister before she passed because she finally saw the truth. Myself and one other sister felt something that one BPD sister was doing was contributing to the hatred my father displayed yet denied having for us.
Like you, I never know what mood he will be in . He is rude to my mom who drank because she was always in his shadow and his fave song was wind beneath my wings - he dedicated it to her after the damage had been done to act like he was so appreciative of her but he wasn't. He just used her to garner supply in shooting guilt at all the siblings to call, visit and pander to him via her. It is sick and he still does it.
These NPDS dont even want us around but they need their NPD supply. I found numerous horrid emails my sister and he sent to one another when he asked me to check his email for him. I was horrified and almost lost what was left of my burned out mind. Instead of apologiing, he denied it and my sister screamed and raged at me for HACKING (?) his account. I actually believe he asked me to look at his email when he was away and claimed he couldnt access it (yeah right) because he wanted me to read the god awful vicious things they said. Its part of triangulating and its so one hand doesnt know what the other is doing
The NPD is adept and stealth at this and there is no way to beat or resolve this illness. They are masters at this and groom their own kids and spouses to supply their insatiable need for adoration - which is born from their own self hatred and loathing - they are anything but truly confident lest they would not need us to fulfill such sick twisted emotional abuse.
They may not realize they are sick but enough signs are there they should have. They wonder why some of their children and extended family stay far far away. And then they have one of the siblings go after and verbally and emotionally shame them into kissing their butts. It has extended to my nieces and nephews and grandkids. I swear he is either demented or diabolical because he tried this with my kids and shamed them for not calling or writing. My kids then told me he is being untruthful and they showed me evidence of calls and cards they sent. I was furious because I thought it was awful they ignored him. DUH.
I don't have a husband anymore and no money and I am older and trying hard to find ft work to live on and get as far away as I can. I feel so sad for my mom and I feel she was victimized by him as well and now she is giving up.
I know it wont be long and she will be gone and I wish I did not hate him but I look into his grey vacuous eyes and they reflect nothing but a look like he wants to kill me. I cannot do enough or dance fast enough to dodge his moody attacks and disgust of me. Oddly all my siblings have experienced this and the one BPD sister is the one who is butt kissing and recognizes his issues but is hell bent on rewriting history about how he was cruel to her. He now realizes she is at the front of ass kissing and most of us are disenchanted and resigned - leaving him behind. Sadly, it makes it hard to be with mom because he is there making sure he steals all the attention and waxes poetic about how wise he is an no one cares - woe is me and doesnt it SUCK that I am old and none of you are here bowing to me. Except for the one. I DO NOT COUNT because I am nothing but a servant and a stupid useless looser kids to him.
You will never be the adult a healthy parent longs to see. You will be the servant child a slave to his directives. It is just so in NPD. There is no accountability.
Like you, I recognize and truly empathize with your pain. My god you can be assured I understand! I wish I could hug you and tell you there is a safe place outside of disappointing endings - maybe there is - I have yet to get there and I am trying VERY VERY HARD to do just that. But we come with hurts that cannot be righted through hoping it will change and they will smack their forehead in realization. My friend it does not happen. I am truly sorry to say it but it is true.
I think the best we can do in this situation is to go to therapy - a 12 step self help group and get out intact. They will steal your essence - the good news is the human spirit is difficult to break if not impossible. Resiliency is something we can work on and recover what good there is but currently shaded by the narc.
It tae much research and understanding of what happened to you as the child of a NPD. As I said, I am not sure they recognize the horrid damage they cause and yet blame on everyone else - the drug addicts and alcoholism and suicides that extend from isolation & alienation - the loss of family support through horrid triangulation is enough to make the most stoic weep. But what can we do but save what is left of ourselves.
I struggle with leaving mom behind in this maniac family. I am so scared of doing that in her likely last yr as she is failing fast. I have preemptively been told I am to blame should either of them pass on - well set me up why dont ya? GEEZE. Ludicrous.
So I am telling you that you are not alone and it is painful. Observe Dont Absorb (ODA) is one method a psychologist on youtube recommends. Maybe it will help - I am not sure.
You have my understanding and I want you to feel hope and hang in there long enough to see the sun come up and hope rise and beyond.
{{{hugs}}} to you, as well. I still have bad days, but I try to remind myself that I am worth so much more than how my narcissistic father makes me feel. I didn't have a choice being born to this freakin' dysfunctional father, but he certainly has a choice about how he treats me and other people. So it's on him.