Taking care of friend with stage 5 Alzheimer's. At my wit's end and want out to live my own life. Any advice?
Her daughters do not take care of her. Been living and caring for a friend for some 10+ yrs. She denies her condition (Alzheimer's). I have no interest in being a caregiver, and her daughters do not take responsibility for her. Have a house of my own, and would like to stay in it, but, if I do, would spend my day going back and forth to her house, 3 miles away.
She has no clue what day/month/year it is, she asks the same questions 50x or more a day, she does not know when to take meds, she cannot take care of any bills or documents, etc., and, cannot live alone.
I do not wish to have power of attorney to take care of her matters. Have talked to her older daughter about the situation several times, but, nothing is ever done about the issue.
What can I do to make sure she is taken care of, and for me to press on and have a life of my own?
I went to see my friend's doctor, and she recommended to wait 6 months, or more, before going to visit.
My friend's daughters did not place that restriction. This doctor is very competent, and knowledgeable of what is going on.
Just let them know what you want and are willing to do. Call and remind them each week, if that is what you feel comfortable with.
This subject became a little bit too painful for me, and opted to stay silent until I could figure things out. Went to see the doctor, and was recommended to wait 6 months, or more, before going to visit my friend. It seems like an eternity, but, if that is what it takes, so be it.
I call the place where she is at, and find out how she is doing. Feedback is sometimes well, other times, not so well. Guess time will tell how this will unfold.
Thanks to each and every one of you for your suggestions. There is no way I could have made it through this without your help.
Hang in there. It's possible the daughters will relent and allow you to visit as they find caring for their mom to be a lot of work...and will (hopefully) realize that you are important to her well being. Congratulations on following through and self preserving...prayers coming your way for the daughter's attitudes to change so you can be a part of your friend's life. (These women sound pretty petty and unpleasant--IMHO...and this probably went just the way you thought it would.) Take care of yourself now and hope for the best.
The baton was passed, and the daughters took over.
In a week, my friend was placed in a Memory Care Unit. She went off the deep end, is totally depressed, and talks about taking her life.
I cannot go see her, since I am not allowed.
As for me, I am living in my house...
Carol
The power to effect change occurs in an environment which fosters agreement of purpose. That is the environment found in this forum. I am very appreciative to all of you for taking your time to discern and provide me the best course of action.
The next few weeks will play out the outcome of this situation. Please send your positive thoughts my way. I will need them.
In preparation, be sure to retain an eldercare attorney and remove all your items from her house.
Document the amount of time you are spending each day as well as the local rate for your labor.
Time to get really serious about your own life after caregiving.
Good luck
Ann
gladimhere, Maggiemarshall and the rest have it down as do many others. You have done much more than even a good friend should have to do, particularly since there is family. I'd let them know that you are giving them one month to set up care for their mother. You can suggest that they contact the local agency on aging. If they don't, tell them you are calling adult protective services and then do it. Once you have done that, say goodbye.
You deserve a life of your own. Please do not accept any guilt from these people. You've helped your friend at your own emotional and financial expense all of these years. Now, it's time for them to step up to the plate. If they don't, the authorities will have to handle it.
Start planning your own life. Help with the transition in any way that you can but only for one month. Then, you are gone.
You are remarkable! Please keep us posted about how you survive this.
Carol
Good for you! heading forward!! Be strong and hopeful that is won't be as bas as you're thinking. You will very likely still be in your friend's life and you wil have your own. Take care--so glad to hear you are making strides forward!!
Thank you for your suggestions and giving me awareness of what may come this way. The unknown will always be there, however, I have friends that will stand up for me if necessary.
I am projecting to inform the oldest daughter next week, and see what develops.
I rather settle things without belligerence, but, I have no clue how all this will play out. Will be glad when all this is over.
Thanks for your views on this matter.
There is no POA, AFAIK. My friend and her sister wanted me to get one, and I declined. BTW, my friend's sister was always of the opinion that I should move to my house. She passed away just a few months ago. Very unfortunate, because she wanted to help me.
The bills and all documented matters are all taken care by me, but she signs any checks or documents. Her signature has gone from very good penmanship to some sort of shaky almost illegible scribble.
The daughters live about 45 minutes away, maybe 30 to 40 miles north and south of where my friend lives.
As far as my health, I think I mentioned having flat-lined twice in the last five years, or so. My ticker does not work right, and I am 100% dependent on a pacer. The doctor has recommended more than once for me to change environment.
On a move out date, it will be the week of 10 August. The 'exit' letter making it official will be presented on 24 July.
I will have to slowly move back to my home little by little, as you mention.
The daughters will know what to do. Plus, the oldest has friends with the know how. I cannot move and also take care of helping the daughters. Don't have all that energy. Right now it feels as if I had been put through a wringer.
If you have already notified the daughters of October 31st, send them a new notice that because of a newly diagnosed heart condition you doctor is highly recommending that you can no longer work as a caregiver.... and that you will need to move out as soon as possible, no later than August 15th.... you can do it, even if it means hiring a mover to help you for a couple of hours.
Better to get the ball rolling now to see how the daughters will respond. If they say they don't know what to do, give them names of companies that do Caregiving, names of assisted living [if your friend can still qualify] and/or nursing homes. If the daughters are like deer in headlights, you can do the logistics for them via computer, finding them names to call at the local council of aging.
Then after the fact, you can visit your friend as a "friend" instead of as a "caregiver".
How far away do the daughters live?
Thank you all for your discernment of the situation!!
To answer some of your questions, she can be alone for a period of time (2 hours +/-). As to whether she can be alone for an entire day without someone checking to see if she took her medications, had something to eat, etc., IMO, no. She forgets. However, maybe if the daughters keep track of what she does, even if only by phone, she may be able to stay home by herself. That remains to be seen.
As far as my relationship with the daughters, it is not hostile, not warm and friendly, but, we can communicate. One of them I have not seen for years, the other one I see about once or twice a month. Whether she wants to hear it or not, I talk to her about her mother. Finally, this year she has come around once or twice a month and takes her out to lunch.
My chance of going thru withdrawal or my getting depressed, is not likely. I give myself 3 days to get over things. By the third day I am fine.
Now, it appears the older I get the possibility of experiencing anxiety increases.
Have made up my mind that I will prepare a short notification addressed to the daughters, and with a date when I will cease to be her caregiver.
Whatever happens after that, I'll take each issue one at a time.
"...envisioning your situation now as similar to being caught in a violent storm on the ocean, being tossed about, challenged, fearful, but displaying a strength that will help you survive this crisis and emerge stronger for it."
GardenArtist, that is normally what has happened with any very difficult issue that I have faced in the past. Hopefully, it will happen in this situation also.
What I ponder is the question of when and what to tell my friend. To hit her with this cold turkey without discussing the issue, is not my normal style. I cannot positively process the thought of doing that to her.
She deserves better and you deserve not to be burdened by such negative thoughts. Think it over... maybe the time for a change is now, not after your mother dies.
"Not wanting to live at my friends home does not necessarily mean that she is going to get wiped out of my life. We have been friends for some 30+ years. Gone through all sorts of ordeals, and came through it all. "
And this friendship will change as well, over time, and with your efforts. As I've been reading this thread, I've thought of the movie Julia with Jane Fonda, Vanessa Redgrave and Jason Robards, based in part of the life of playwright Lillian Hellman.
Apparently it's not clear if the Julia character was real, but the masterful depiction of their relationship and the reversal of the strong, resourceful woman is an insightful character study.
Your relationship with your friend has changed and probably will continue to do so because of her condition. Yours is beginning to change, in ways that are probably frightening but also traceable to stress. I think for you this is an early warning sign, which you're heeding wisely.
I can't help envisioning your situation now as similar to being caught in a violent storm on the ocean, being tossed about, challenged, fearful, but displaying a strength that will help you survive this crisis and emerge stronger for it. I suspect when that happens, you'll still need to be a safe haven for your friend, but the very difficult caring will likely be provided by those who are paid to do this for a living.
You have GOT to take care of yourself! Anxiety with chest pains and nausea--and your friend's daughters are nowhere to be found? Do you have any more support in this? When you went to the heart center--or anywhere else, for that matter, who stays with your friend? If you don't KNOW if she can't be left alone or what her capabilities are...that's scary. You've shouldered the burden for this friend and she now relies on you (and her kids let you). I think the sooner you step away from this situation and become independent of this the better off you'll be--or will you go through withdrawal and more anxiety worrying about your friend? It really is up to you what and how soon to do this. One of these times you will wind up hospitalized..and what would happen then? These daughters need a HUGE wake up call. Can you talk to them at all, or is it so hostile you don't feel you can? Maybe your friend's dr can make the call to the daughters and explain the situation. I think I'd die from shame if that happened to me--geriatric drs will and can make life changing decisions for their patients..just a thought. My mother's just nixed an elective surgery mother wanted to have. Thank heaven for him! She wouldn't listen to us kids, but when the DOCTOR said it...I'm really more worried for you now than for your friend. Please try to gather the courage to walk out of this (while remaining a loving caring friendship with your friend.) My heart goes out to you today...
I am certainly appreciative of the openness and sincerity of all your expressions, as well as your straightforward replies.
Yes, I am concerned, petrified, apprehensive, confused, and many other adjectives that I can think of. Scared 'itless is also applicable.
This issue is probably THE most difficult that I remember experiencing. It's possible repercussions are taking their toll mentally and physically.
Yesterday I ended up at the heart center with chest pains that would not quit, and feeling nauseous. All anxiety related. No surprise. Some tests in the next few days. This morning, the same thing. Normally, I manage stress and conflict fairly well, and think positive most of the time, but, this experience is getting me off kilter.
Not wanting to live at my friends home does not necessarily mean that she is going to get wiped out of my life. We have been friends for some 30+ years. Gone through all sorts of ordeals, and came through it all. I intend to remain her friend. However, do not wish to be in charge of her. It is time for her daughters to step up to the plate.
As to the three questions, MidKid, my answer to all is (?) it remains to be seen as to whether she can or cannot. Since the very onset of her disease, I have been with her, and taking care of matters as her inability to do certain things progresses.
BTW, I'm in the US.
You first need to make a finite decision regarding your stance before moving forward.
Good question though - and it does make good common sense that the siblings should be the ones held accountable, not the friend.