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Growing up in life I was always told by many these statements, (Never make a deal with family and never loan a family member money). May sound harsh to hear the truth but, that is a 100% fact to remember. I found that sometimes even attempting to help a family member in the long run ends up going sour or finger pointing.
Family relationships are just fine until families become involved with greed, money and control. Elderly's Wills & trusts play a big factor in family relationships. Caregivers go bad over greed and most elderly people use their Wills or Trusts to scam, obtain free help from family members.Sometimes it's hard to bare the truth.
I have a short story,
Two Sons named Joe , Mike and their Mother. Mike became Mother's POA and caregiver 7 yrs ago. Mike always had money and high dollar items. Joe always wondered where Mike was getting the money to buy these things. Everytime Joe went to the local casino Joe would see Mom and Mike their. Mom always had lots of money to gamble on. Joe always wondered if Mike was spending Mom's money but, He never had proof of it.
4 months ago Mike died in a car crash. Mike was Mom's POA. Since Mike died Mom has no POA. Mom came to Joe asking if Joe would take care of her. She told Joe if you take care of me, When I die you can have the house and all my money. Joe agreed to take care of Mom for two reasons,(1) If he didn't who else will! and (2) He will get it all when she dies. Greed was some factor in play. Dollar signs makes anyone see greed. So, Joe agreed to care for his Mother.

Joe became Mother's POA. Joe learned that Mike about drained Mother dry. Mother only has $20,000 and her house to her name. Joe would like to have the family house to keep in the family when Mother dies. But, that won't happen now because, Mother will need those assets for nurcing home or heathcare down the road. Mother is lieing to Joe saying that Mother has alot of money but, Joe now knows she don't. Mike & Mother gambled it all away yrs ago. Mother is using her Will to obtain Joes free help. Mother now has dementia and is very hateful to Joe. Joe doesn't feel guilty. Joe feels used. Joe feels he is now stuck taking care of his Mother without any inheritance.Some tell Joe to have the family house get put into a trust so Joe could keep the house in the family. Joe feels guilty on attempting to do that because, Mom may need to sell the house for healthcare down the road.It's the family farm that's been in the family for over 200 yrs.
Does Joe go with the thought of greed to save the farm with a trust or give it up and let a nurcing home/Medicaid have it?
Joe hopes that Mom dies at home to avoid nurcing homes.Mother still lives in her home. If Mother goes into a nurcing home bye bye to the family farm. It's not greed it's the family farm at stake. What's Joe to do?

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Here's what I tell family members who plan to loan money to other family members:
Replace the word "loan" with the word "give." If you loan a family member money and they don't pay it back, it's a family problem. If you give it to them, there's no problem, at all. If you don't want to give it to them, then keep your money in your bank account and don't talk about it, again.

As for caring for someone in order to get something in the end, that's just a deal with the devil. Give them your time because you want to because you can never guarantee you'll get the house, money, etc... If you do it because you want to, you won't end up being used.
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Mom should have put the house in a trust long ago. If he thinks she will stay out of NH for five years, get it done. She could also sell it to him and hold the mortgage for no interest; a lawyer can get this done, with a payment schedule that fits Joe's budget and helps pay for the NH.
Look at what she gets in SS per month. If her husband was a wartime Vet, she can get another $1113 in VA Aid. Often this covers Assisted Living or in home care. EXample: $1600 in SS and $1113 from VA= $2713/month. If she draws another $300/mo off the $20K savings, it would last five years.
If Joe buys the farm at a fair market price of $200,000 over thirty years, he would pay her $556/month. She would have $3659/month for care for the first five years. And Medicaid only looks back five years. See the Attorney.
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Get an lawyer specializing in elder care. They can help, you may have to pay a penalty fee but be able to keep assets.
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I'm sorry. It looks like I was venting & didn't answer the question properly. Joe needs to see an Elder Law attorney before doing anything. When a person has Dementia, they can't make decisions themselves and it could look like Elder Abuse. Call your local Bar Association. For a $50, you get an hour consultation . Then he can decide what he needs to do & what he can't do legally.
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My narcissistic, manipulative, mean mother was really stingy. She refused to spend a penny on her house for the 12 years she lived there, not even having the carpets cleaned when they were filthy and dog peed. She knew how shabby it was and wouldn't let anyone in. However, when she got a caregiver (slave), housekeeper, cook, cleaner, punching bag and taxi service (me) for four years for free she was absolutely delighted. Did I feel used? H*ll yes! She's in a NH now and I'm rebuilding my life. Good riddance.
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If Mom has Dementia, Joe can't sell the house. Isn't it possible Mike was spending her money without her knowledge? If she has Dementia, it may be more than likely. She is not lying, she is sick. You wouldn't believe the crap my Mom says about me. And she truly believes it. My brother has called Adult Protective Services several times, and now my Aunt (who my Mom didn't speak to for 10 years), is sticking her nose in. She lives 3,000 miles away. She sent me a nasty email the other day because she believes the crap my Mom tells her. I lost it and told her to take her bible-thumping B.S. Somewhere else. I'm so angry. BTW I do have caregivers 3x/week, but other than that, it is 100% on my shoulders.
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LEP627- vent all you want - I go thru the same issues with my Mother. This is how I finally handled it after 3 years. When a family member calls to offer their 2 cents on how I should be caring for my Mom I tell them to take over the job. This pretty much shuts them up. If you are not in the trenches you do not get a vote - learned that from this website. My Mom used to call my sibs to tell them stupid stuff about me. Like she was "telling on me" to my brother and sister. This had to be nipped in the bud right away. So I let them take her for a couple of days so they can see firsthand all of the confabulation and downright lies that she tells them. That also shut up my sister and I no longer get the calls about what my Mom has said about me. I got so sick of them believing the nonsense that my Mother would spurt out that I started telling them the stuff she says about them. She told me my sister was trying to "spend all of her money." Totally wrong as we pay for most of my Mothers needs. So I sent her an e-mail stating that she needs to stop spending Moms money (because that is what my Mother said about her.) My sister responded with "how could she say that?" So I told her she now knows how I feel when she questions me. Our relationship is not very warm and fuzzy now but at least I am growing more of a backbone so I don't feel so resentful all the time. My thoughts are with you, hang in there. Hugs....
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My brother and I don't speak. He pushed me last year and I received a concussion he was staying here at time (mooching) and didn't even help her then (or apologize). I filed a Temporary Restraining Order and the Sheriff removed him from the house. We signed an Agreement with the Court that he doesn't follow. He called my Mom the other day just ripping me down one side and then the other (I heard her side of the call). Now my Aunt sends me a bible-thumping email, basically telling me to get a job. STFU! I suffer from chronic migraines. Sometimes 10 days straight. She said she's never heard of anyone having migraines that keep them from working (she isn't the brightest bulb either). She doesn't even understand Alzheimer's (so I called them to send her a packet). I'm sick of the judgment. I sent her the nastiest email I have ever sent in my life. She and my Mom stopped speaking for over 10 years because she sticks her nose in where it doesn't belong. Well know I know how my Mom felt. My Aunt wants to come out and see my Mom in June. I'm trying to get Disability, and then put Mom in Al. But I can't tell my OWN family because they are either ignorant or greedy (my brother). This kind of crap went on when my Grandmother got older (had Dementia also). It split all 3 sisters relationship apart. Now, here we go again. Thank you for your kind words. My Uncle (Mom's brother) and my Aunt's son "get it," but she certainly doesn't. I'm going to call my Uncle and see what he thinks. I've lost trust in most of my family and my Mom's friends. When I get disability, I'm outta here!
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I disagree with dogbone. There are many good people that are family members who are caregivers and POA's who are not about the money. They do it because they care, respect, and love their parents. Just don't be so critical of everyone, not everyone is like that.
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bellas, I think you should leave everything to your favorite charity and let both those boys go pixx in the wind.
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