Hi, I have been living with my elderly parents and taking care of their needs for the last 2 years.(cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, appointments) I have not paid any rent-or food expense. My father committed suicide in April, when I was preparing to move due to their meanness and manipulation of me. He wrote in his note, maybe Ann will stay with me gone. My mom got me to stay to take care of her. She is 80, has a bad knee, diabetic had gets confused and forgetful at times. My sister thinks I should start paying some of the expenses here. My groceries and internet, approximately $400 a month. It's not a lot of money, but I don't feel that is fair since I provide 100 percent of her care. I know the free room is worth something. My mother is narcissistic and very manipulative. I do not get any help. My sister does take care of her financials. She has approximately $100,000 and the house is paid for. I feel I am being taken advantage of. I have no life. If I move out, she will have to leave her house and go into assisted living. Both my 2 sisters are too busy to help with her and she does not want to go to their houses to give me a break. I don't think I am asking for much, only the free room and board that I had before my dad passed. I also want to find someone that can be here at times and give me a break Be honest with me? Is that too much?
Your mother remains in her home and your sisters’ lives remain uninterrupted because you have given up your own life to servitude .
You are being taken advantage of .
Take your life back , move out , get a job .
Mom goes to a facility . I hope someone has POA to make that happen.
Do you not believe that that you deserve better? Well I'm here to tell you that you do.
Caring for a parent who is abusive and a narcissist and showing signs of dementia isn't worth all the money in the world or giving up ones life for.
So put on your big girl panties, and tell your mom and sisters that you're moving out by the end of August and that they'll have to figure out what to do next as far as moms care goes, but it won't be including you.
You can do this, and you'll be much happier when you get out from under all this dysfunction.
Secondly, you are absolutely getting taken advantage of.
I'm really curious who has power of attorney here? It would be a lot easier to answer that fully if we new who has POA. Power of attorney
It is time for you and sister need to sit down for a next plan. Remind her that mom may no longer be able to draw up a contract to pay you (so yes you can leave).
Second, does your sister hold POA over your mother? If she does, that puts you in an unfavorable position. If she doesn't, I strongly suggest you get it or prevent her from getting it, because when the time comes that mom needs to go into a NH or if she passes, in all likelihood, you will be left out in the cold and scrambling.
If the answer to those 2 is Yes, I would advise you to move. You are being taken advantage of and sacrificing your future. If your sisters don't respect the work you are doing and if mom is unappreciative, then it is in your best interests to leave. Even if it would be hard for you financially, if there is a path for you to go, I suggest you take it.
Edit:
I see you posted you do have an income and your sister is POA. I urge you to leave. With your sister holding the cards you are in a bad situation.
There is nothing wrong with your Mom moving to senior living. My Dad moved to senior living (Independent Living apartment) he having various age related issues and it worked out great. Dad sold his house, used the equity from the house to help pay for senior living. He loved it there. He really liked the idea that the rent included weekly housekeeping and linen service, plus meal in the restaurant style dining room. He made new friends from his own age group. Gosh, your Mom could make new friends and they all get together to talk about how rotten their kids are :)
Not only does your sisters not check on you to make sure you can handle the stress of caregiving, they won't even pay you. That's BS.
I've came to the realization that my brother doesn't care a bit about my mom or me.
Really. It’s not like diapering an adult shouldn’t be paid.
Please take care of yourself and prep to leave. I'm sorry about your dad, but don't let his guilt tripping keep you prisoner to a situation that will not work out to your benefit. It sounds like a terrible case of them abusing you emotionally and using emotional blackmail to keep you in place. This is trauma, and it sounds like it is time for you to find a good trauma specialist.
Your father was a sick man, and you are not the cause of him commiting suicide. He decided to do this on his own as a form of punishment. He had issues all along, and you preparing to leave was not a reason for him to kill himself. People have free will.
Free so-called room and board comes at a price. You are not living there free. You are taking care of your mother.
I don't see you having a free ride here at all, but stuck in an extremely dysfunctional family dynamic where your father committed suicide to get you to stay with mom? That's #1 on the list of over the top things I've heard since I joined A.C. in 2016.
Tell your grossly misinformed sister to move in with mother and pay $400 a month for the privilege, that you've had all you can stand and you're leaving. Her insistence on YOU paying room and board was the last straw, when you should be GETTING paid!
I don't know why you've stayed this long when there are many other options available for your mother's care.
My condolences on the loss of your father, especially under such circumstances. Please move on with your life now. Best of luck to you.
No I wouldn't pay $400 a month to live with your mother. She should be thanking you for doing it and you should be well compensated for the care you are giving and the sacrifice you are making.
I would leave now. I guess your sisters will need to make time for mom.
You have a job which is a huge plus. It is time to move on.
As for her house, if it were sold (and I have no way to know what the selling price would be), proceeds from the house could also be invested at 5%. The house would then be earning money for mom instead of being a money hole requiring taxes, upkeep, repair, etc. Maybe - who knows - the house sells for $200,000 and the proceeds could earn $10,000 a year. That means that mom's annual income would be her social security benefit plus $15,000. Her savings would be $300,000, which can pay for a very nice room in a very nice assisted living home for 4 years plus. There are a lot of things wrong with this calculation, one of them being that as she draws upon her $300,000 nest egg for her care, it doesn't earn what I'm projecting here. But you get the idea. Mom doesn't need your help. She can and should pay for professional care. It would be a whole lot better for her to have aides to help her and friends her own age rather than sitting around in an old house wondering where she left her cane.
You have an income, and you should get on with your life. There are way better pastimes than catering to an 80-year-old invalid. Let your sister deal with mom while you're on your trip to Cancun. You deserve it.
Condolences on the loss of your father, and good luck with getting out of a situation you shouldn't be in.