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Unfortunately I allowed her to influence my decision to work in another city. The last time she went into the hospital, I requested to be transferred to my company's location here (which I knew would be a mistake). I was fired shortly thereafter and am presently appealing the unemployment offices' decision that I was fired with cause. I have been unemployed for nearly 2 months and am totally financially dependent on her.
I'm happy to say that I'm not in that club, but lots of people here are. Until you get answers, try searching for "narcissistic". There are 782 entries. Happy hunting!
Phoenix, see my post about the walker I just did - I think a narcissitic parent holds on to every last shred of control and image even more strongly the normal people, and it's hard for them too. The best advice I can give is to remember "it's not about you", it may look like it is but these folks are fighting a huge battle internally and those around get hit with shrapnel, and the closer you are the worse it is, but in the end their enemies died long ago and we are just stand-ins.
Forgot to add, I'm so sorry about your financial situation. I'm sure you don't need anyone to tell you, but getting to where you are not dependent on your mother essential - it's very hard to detach from someone when you are dependent on them and narcissists are not safe people to be dependent on.
Thank you both. I found some good advice last night too. It reminded me that she is, as you stated, fighting a huge internal battle. The advice was to view the situation as though I were caring for a large 2 year old because that is where her emotional development seems to have become snarled.
I can relate. Started keeping a journal of events and what time of day if that matters, or is a factor. If it is. Seems I just need to show up for any kind of feedback of the negative kind. Last night she whimpered and walked around the house waking me claiming "heart attack" which I found out by getting up, which is what she really wanted was some kind of "panic/mania" attack. Acts perfectly fine in front of the Dr however...Always.
I know what you must be going through. My mother is narcissistic too and is 91 yrs old but I cannot take her in my home and finally after two years of struggling with this decision, I know it would be an impossible situation and it would ruin both of us. I have health issues myself and learned from those of you trying to take on an impossible task that my mother and I cannot live in the same house regardless of our situations. I help her in every way I can but am so glad I was able to better understand I did not have to allow her to completely ruin my life. And the hard part is the guilt I had to let go of for once putting myself first and doing all I can for her but not we could never live together.
For your sake, I hope you can make it work but if it is harming your health and ruining your life, please find another way to help your mother and without having her live with you. She will suck the life out of you. I hope this does not sound harsh or cruel but if we don't take care of ourselves, we are no good to anyone and a toxic relationship will destroy you.
You deserves peace, joy and happiness and can only do so much. If your mother will not make changes to help your situation livable, you must find another place for her to live. I do hope you can learn the art of "tough love", it applies to all loved ones, not just children and our elderly parents only get worse and can destroy our lives if we don't stop them. God does not expect us to be martyrs and live with abuse even from our parents, or especially from them. We were abused enough all of our lives and you need to be at peace within yourself. even it means moving your mother out.
Please find a way to get local support to help you make the most difficult decision you may ever have to make. But, you must get your life back or your health will destroy any chance at joy, peace and happiness with an abusive parent. As, I stated, we have suffered enough abuse from their toxic actions in our lives and you need to let go.
I do hope an pray you find a way out soon. Or at least make the rules work in your home if she really wants to be there. You are not calling the ones who must live the way you have chosen to go and not allow her to continue to mess with your head or make you feel guilty, which I am sure is happening. People like us from dysfunctional families with narcissistic parents have been so brain washed. They can make us feel like the scum of the earth. But, you are not and giving her a home proves that. But, you don't have to allow the abuse to continue. It is just so difficult to take the first step. Once she is out, you will see you made the wisest decision and wish you had done it much sooner.
Sorry, I did not realize the financial attachment but just another way they can control. It may take you a few months to get on your feet financially but please find a way out of her house if you have to live temporarily with a friend. Although it is true it is not about you but her, they still are so controlling that it makes it an impossible situation, especially living together. I think I would work on getting out as soon as possible or she will destroy you emotionally, if not physically too. They are people to be feared. The control knows no boundaries and can destroy the best of people. I am glad I was able to not allow my mother to pull my stings which I did most of my life until the last couple of years. I have learned to love her unconditionally but not allow her to upset me with her control and guilt manipulations. I have taken control for the first time and just sorry it took me so long to learn. I pray you will find a new job soon. It would help you get out. The last thing we need it to be financially dependent on them. That just gives them so much more control and will drive you mad.
Good answers. I'm stuck with my narcissistic mother, but I am changing and learning which b is a good thing. I love Phoenix' s answer, that you/I am just the stand in fir the person they're fighting with. Interesting and insightful comment. Thanks for that. It must be horrible to be so miserable and unhappy and hateful. It's also very hard for the only people left, which in my case is pretty much me and my sister to a lesser extent. She wants us to be miserable too. I don't understand the concept of not wanting your kids to be happy. That's being me, but this is truly how it seems with my mother. Sorry, but you are not alone. I agree, you'll be better when you are financially independent of her. There's always strings attached to gifts and help. Always.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
For your sake, I hope you can make it work but if it is harming your health and ruining your life, please find another way to help your mother and without having her live with you. She will suck the life out of you. I hope this does not sound harsh or cruel but if we don't take care of ourselves, we are no good to anyone and a toxic relationship will destroy you.
You deserves peace, joy and happiness and can only do so much. If your mother will not make changes to help your situation livable, you must find another place for her to live. I do hope you can learn the art of "tough love", it applies to all loved ones, not just children and our elderly parents only get worse and can destroy our lives if we don't stop them. God does not expect us to be martyrs and live with abuse even from our parents, or especially from them. We were abused enough all of our lives and you need to be at peace within yourself. even it means moving your mother out.
Please find a way to get local support to help you make the most difficult decision you may ever have to make. But, you must get your life back or your health will destroy any chance at joy, peace and happiness with an abusive parent. As, I stated, we have suffered enough abuse from their toxic actions in our lives and you need to let go.
I do hope an pray you find a way out soon. Or at least make the rules work in your home if she really wants to be there. You are not calling the ones who must live the way you have chosen to go and not allow her to continue to mess with your head or make you feel guilty, which I am sure is happening. People like us from dysfunctional families with narcissistic parents have been so brain washed. They can make us feel like the scum of the earth. But, you are not and giving her a home proves that. But, you don't have to allow the abuse to continue. It is just so difficult to take the first step. Once she is out, you will see you made the wisest decision and wish you had done it much sooner.
My warmest wishes and good luck.
Sunny in SC.