Why does society expect you to take care of someone that made your young life miserable?
I realize a big reason I stay so angry with my mother is that she was so emotionally abusive to me when I was a child. She has now lived with me for almost 2 yrs and only with psychiatric help for myself have I been able to do this. It makes me so angry when other people say how lucky my mother is to have me take care of her, or that I should be glad my mother is still alive so I can take care of her. It never seems to occur to people that the "sweet" little old lady they see is not the one I see or know. My mother does not have dementia,just narcisstic and thought when she moved in with me that she would just take up where she left off. How many of us on here are taking care of a parent that was abusive to us as children? My mother is an only child and I am only child, she had no where else to go. She "loves" me because she needs me. Why does society expect you to take care of someone that made your young life miserable?
Some people think that I'm caregiving because I had a loving family. Ha! I just tell them that we had a very dysfunctional family and I'm here due to my conscience (religious reasons.)
I do find childhood anger and fears rise up when father becomes sooo angry. That I revert back to childhood - filled with so much fear - pounding heart, etc.... At least now that he's bedridden, his punches are not as strong as when he was walking. He can no longer punch me in the head and face. I no longer have to worry about "falling down the stairs" or "walking into the edge of an opened door."
I did have to seek therapy to help me with my deep anger towards him. I just needed someone to tell me that my childhood was wrong, bad. What made me realized how bad it was - was the look of horror on the therapist's face as I recounted what little memories I have. She was so amazed that I survived such a violent childhood -intact. She told me that she never recommends children who have been abused - to be their parents caregiver. BUT, she said that I seem to be handling it really well. I think, I just needed someone to tell me that what my parents did to us kids Was Wrong. I'm beginning to learn to put it behind me - until dad gets so angry and tries to punch/kick me. Then my childhood fears come rushing back full force.
Society - the same society that gives a father visitation rights for the children even though he tried to kill their mother. This same father, takes the kids using his visitation rights - and kills the kids. Over and over, we see this in the news. Society Believes One Thing and assumes that we all fit into that narrow view. Our parents gave birth to us, raised us, fed us, etc.. therefore we must show our appreciation and family obligations as pay back.
There are so many posts here that address this very topic. You're not alone.
You're a bigger person than your mom ever was to care for her at this stage in her life. I think you're wonderful.
I don't know that this is at all helpful, tex, but I think there are quite a few of us on this site that do understand that we are giving more than we ever got. It would make anyone angry, but that's the problem because living in anger just stinks. I really appreciate my anti-anxiety medication, too, that I've been taking for about 5 months, because it does seem to help me with the anger.
When I thought about it tonight, I thought how ironic it was that I am the only one that is here for her now. Her job is gone. Her husband is gone. Her sons never pay any attention to her. There are no friends. Only the daughter she treated poorly her entire life. I'm bad to think about spiritual meanings of all these things and realized that I had never forgiven her for all the times she didn't have my back. There were so many incidents. It left me feeling that I couldn't depend on anything but myself . It was all part of her narcissistic need, with her daughter as the sacrifice. This evening I thought how I couldn't expect her to be sorry for the things she did, because she does not have it in her. She is still narcissistic, with her needs being paramount. However, I can change the feelings I have. My parents did a lot of damage, but somehow I came through it. It is like being tested with fire. I made a lot of messes and struggled with so much insecurity. I made so many bad decisions. I feel like I'm on the other side of things now, though, after all this time. Now I just need to forgive and let go of the blame. My parents were terrible parents, but I don't think they knew any better. Probably a huge number of people out there had terrible parents, so I am just a piece of sand on the shore.
I'm close to your position; but instead of hate, I just don't care. For my mom. I just don't. However, I am not yet in the position of caregiver.
I think if caregiving was a short period in our lives, it would be different. But it can go on and on, for years. If I knew I had to care for my mother for a matter of months, or just a year, I'd do it. (I think!) But for many years? I am selfish enough (according to her) not to want to put my life on hold for that long.
You know what? There are people who understand (I am one of them) and people who don't understand hatred of a parent. You need to feel free to come here and express yourself and don't worry about those who don't understand. I think that here in these forums, most will and you can get some good insight about how to deal with it. But outside the world of caregiving, I don't even know if I'd say anything aloud. There's enough guilt already, having someone else lather on more just isn't needed.
Perhaps with your upcoming surgery, you could use that opportunity to draw some boundaries with your mom. I don't know if I could ask my husband to step up. He'd probably strangle her! So if I were in your shoes, my mom would have to accept outside help or do for herself. Then after the surgery, your limitations would mean that the new boundaries would be permanent.
I hope your surgery goes well for you.
Sharon
FYI, my siblings have told their spouses and me to my boyfriend at the time of our childhood. They did NOT believe us. They all thought we were exaggerating. One day, we siblings got together and started reminiscing of our childhood. My youngest sister's husband blurted out, "I thought my wife was exaggerating!!" Older bro broke down crying just from remembering the beatings and verbal abuses from both parents. So, yeah, those who never had a dysfunctional family like ours - would not understand nor can comprehend that parents can do those things to children. Thanks, Sharon for having my back. =) {{hugs}}
And I don't, either, think that society does expect you to give care in those circumstances. Society is content to assume that parents love their children, and that children - in a different way - love them back: that's why it makes assumptions about who is looking after whom at the various stages of life. But once non-stereotypical situations are made clear, society is perfectly capable of adapting its expectations and generally does. Small-minded people, offering opinions they have no right to voice, do not - thank God - represent Society.
So my situation is different because I do not plan to be caregiving to my father for the rest of his life or even a year from now, hopefully... but its possible that's very optimistic and naive of me to hope for a transition that soon. But my point is that I think there is a massive psychological weight that would come from feeling like I couldn't exit the situation. Dreaming about a different future keeps me going, one day at a time.
Lol, and I think some on AC who I interact with would say I can be pretty naive... but in my situation, it helps me if I am very cerebral about everything and yes - really naive. ;-)
At this very technologically dependenttime in our history, it seems to be expected that most people are willing to spend more money for wireless devices, over-the-top house and yard improvements, stainless steel appliances even if our existing ones are still functional...you name it...a whole host of consumer goods that supposedly increase the value of our lives.
And let's not forget that "society" seems to think we should join Facebook, share our lives, and allow personal information to be leveraged for advertising purposes (read the Facebook TOS and do some research on its privacy abuses if you don't believe me).
Everyone has to decide for him/herself, and that's the best way to decide whether you want to continue to care for your mother given the situation. If I were in that situation, I don't know that I could.
My feeling is society can go to hell; I make my own decisions...always have and always will. I'm a tough old bird.
CM -- on this crazy caregiving path, yes, it's 3 steps forward, 2 back! Completely agree!
Texarkana -- I regret not knowing myself well enough when I was younger. Again, just within the past year, I've become enormously aware of 1) what my needs/wants are; 2) that I don't have to defend them to anyone. It was the shakiest sensation in the beginning, but believe me, I'm getting extremely comfortable with it now! :)
The laws in our society, both legal and moral, dictate a parent care for a child. If they don't the child will be removed. There are few if any laws governing the care of an elderly parent. Most people love their parents and want to care for them. However, some of us have suffered under their care. I think you should do the best you can and not let others dictate what is expected of you.
Scatter-brained, groundlessly-optimistic, apathetic, hopelessly impractical people like my darling mother, whom I do love and who never intentionally did her children any harm, on the other hand…
What's important is that your parents are cared for. You can delegate that task to professionals without worrying about what people will think.