Taking Dad's keys. What do I do when us siblings disagree?
I would have loved to have found a different way of doing it, but my dad had been driving with extremely low BP, and in 98 degree heat, and he would promise to not drive, but then sneak off, so I told him the other day that I had no choice but to keep the keys. I added that if his health should get better, I would give them back, but that the family would feel responsible if an accident happened. Brother and sister in law would never confront him, and would have let him crawl to the driver's seat if need be. He did not take it well and my siblings have hinted that his health problems are worse because I took his keys. I see him more often and he has been getting more feeble BEFORE the keys were taken. I have taken him anywhere he wanted to go and so have other members of the family. He has calmed down and seems resigned, but now they are hinting that they should be looking after his medical care. Today they hinted that the doctor that I took him to doesn't know what he is talking about... things seem to be headed in a bad direction. It's like they want to get all of my father's attention, and cut me out of the loop. I feel like asking where they have been for the past fifteen years or so - suddenly wanting to take over care? Has anyone else taken the keys and dealt with fallout from other family members?
Taking the keys does not affect their health, but they will feign imminent death to manipulate the situation. Your father is attempting to wrest control of ALL of you by convincing the siblings that the doctor is an idiot. OH yes, mom insisted the doctor said she could drive. Siblings believed her. I told them OK, let her drive YOU around. They didn't like that idea. Tell them come here, live with him for a week and then make your decision. Only then.
They tell me what HE would like. I have been told to butt out before also. You know how a kid will get in a parent's face and try to get their attention away from the other kids? There you have it!
I know I did the right thing, and it really irks me that I'm always the one who has to be the bad guy and do the things that no one else will do - and then get the cold shoulder because I actually had the gumption to do something. I rode with him - used to be a really great driver - now he is almost on their bumper when he stops..
(BP only 94 over..).
I am the POA so there was a question of whether I could be held liable, but I think it also just boiled down to whether I would feel safe meeting him on the highway, and I would not.
Can't believe that people can be in such denial and not care about the safety of others.
What she said was "I am required to report your diagnosis to the DMV." I have no idea whether it was a state law or her own conscience or a fear of liability that "required" her, and I wasn't about to ask, because it was clearly the correct step to take.
Her taking that step minimized the chance that Coy would blame me. Because the notice came from the DMV (and because he liked her a lot) he did not blame the doctor. This is just so much better than telling a patient that they "shouldn't" drive that I don't understand why all doctors don't do it. Did it make it easy for him? Certainly not. But it did reduce some of the negative emotional repercussions.
I'm talking about a dementia diagnosis. Persons who have dementia should not drive. Sad but definitely true.
I have a dear niece who is subject to seizures and they have not been able to be controlled so that she has them less than once a year. She cannot drive. At all. Ever. She is a young woman and this is a huge burden. But it is what it is. If you are subject to seizures that can't be medically eliminated you can't drive. If you have dementia you can't drive. It wasn't up to my sister to decide that her daughter couldn't drive and to enforce it. It wasn't up to me to decide that my husband couldn't drive. When the reason is a medical one, it should be up to medical professionals to initiate pulling the driver's license, in my (strong) opinion.
When my MIL's illness became severe enough that she was falling down, my husband told her she had to stop driving. Even though her diagnosis was not required to be reported to the DMV, the liability was just too great.
Insurance companies will look at health records in the event of a serious accident. An insurance company will find a reason to deny coverage and save themselves money. Imagine your dad being in a serious accident, having his insurance company deny coverage, and enduring a prolonged legal battle to recoup damages directly from your dad. The stress of a trial and paying for a defense attorney could push your dad over the edge and into an early grave. Not worth it!
Children who let their parents drive when they shouldn't are playing with fire. You did the right thing by taking the keys away.
Two or three times a year, the Boston Globe prints a story about a grandparent who drives right into a crowd of schoolchildren and kills or injures some. When a person needs to stop driving, it is really wrong to let them drive.
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