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That just sounds horrible does'nt it. My husband and I have been caring for my father for 15 years. He has lived in our home in an in-law suite that we built on for him. I have two brothers and two sisters and only one of them has just recently started helping us. My father has had 12 cornea transplants, has diabetes, arthritis, is depressed and sits in his part of the house all day now doing absolutely nothing but trying to watch tv and listens to the radio. I have tried to get him outside help by having someone come from the office of older adults to talk with him and offer him transportation options during the week so he can get out. He refuses. My husband and I work full time. I have to schedule all of his many doctor appts. late in the day or use vacation to take him. We have no real time for ourselves. He makes us take him shopping every Saturday whether he really needs to go or not. I understand his need to get out but he refuses help outside of ours. How do I approach the subject of assisted living outside of our home. He gets angry at everyone and everything that is not done the way he wants it. I want my life back. I have sacrificed 15 years for him with no appreciation. Maybe it would be different if he were a nice old man but most days he is not, at least not to us. When he is around other family members or out in public he is a totally different person.

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I so understand. It's a difficult place to be. We'll pray for you. We are looking at options for our situation, and it's against my parent's will, but have to do what needs to be done. So sad when it comes to this. Beggars can't be choosers? We sacrifice, but need to limit care based on their responses sometimes. I love my folks, but they cannot live with us. We are looking at options, and will see they get the best care, but it will be elsewhere. How terribly sad when it has to be this way...
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I understand what how you feel, i have been taking care of my grandmother for 5years. she has 4 living children and only one steps up to the plate sometimes. My husband and i live our lives around her. she get up in morning from the bed to the chair, and worry about how many depends she has. and when she wants to talk how we hear about is Popa and the train, her grandfather put coal in the trains back in the day. (can you say Alzheimers). i know its not funny but i have to laugh to keep from crying most of the time. I would also love to place her in assist living, when shes mad at us she wants to leave and go to assist living, when you say ok i'll find you a place, then were putting her out. and trust me i know its the mind, this is not an easy thing to deal with day in day out. i think she would do well in assist living, she can cook when she wants to, dress herself, wash herself up, she won't take meds,nor will she drink water thats forced upon her, other then that shes in good health. we have a caregiver 4hrs a day while we're at work,that we pay with her money, Its just that she has taken a good part of our lives, we have very little time for ourselfs she always around. if we make plans to do something she get mad and that turns into a big problem if we don't set in the Den with her it's a problem even if shes sleep,everythings becomes a problem if its not her way. I love my grandmother more then life, but i dont know how much longer i can live like this. i'm only fifty. My husband tell me to do whats best for me because i'm going to be dam if do and be dam if i don't.
what's girl to do?
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Your job as caregiver is to make sure that the person's physical needs are taken care of and that they have a chance to socialize and have activities if they want. Ensure their environment is safe. You can't make someone happy if they are inclined not to be happy.

I always recommend that caregivers take time out for themselves because you will be able to give more in the end that way.

One suggestion is to get a home health aide for all of his or her waking hours.

Many elderly parents do not want to go to an assisted living facility - until they get there. It's freedom for them
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I too understand how you feel. I'm about to take in my grandmother once she's being released from rehab center. She's 87 years old and does not want to go to any assisted living home. I'm already feeling stressed out. She has 2 living daughters whom refused to take care of her, except occasional visits. One of them is my own mother and she already made it clear that she can not and will not take care of her parents. I really love my grandmother but I just don't think it's fair that I'm the one taking care of her instead of her perfect capable daughters. Both my husband and I work full time and have 2 small children. Our house does not have a bedroom and bathroom downstairs, so once she moves in, we would have to put a bed somewhere for her (as she has arthritis and can not climb stairs). Now my grandmother suggested the idea of hiring a live-in caretaker so we wouldn't have to do so much. I appreciate her being thoughtful but where are we going to let the other person sleep?

I asked why she does not want to stay at the rehab center for a little longer because she's not being discharged yet. In addition, my grandfather is being transfered from the hospital to the same care center she's staying now. I suggested her to stay for my grandfather (her husband). She said it's too sad to see her husband's condition getting worse and she might die just looking at him bedridden.

So damn if I do and damn if I don't. I'm only in my thirties and I feel I have my own life too. My husband is against me sending her to assisted living homes
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Why is your husband against sending YOUR grandmother to an AL facility? It is your choice and frankly, he might not be aware of how this is going to change your lives. My husband said the other day that after 3 1/2 years of having my mom, he wished that we could have our Sundays back and be spontaneous. He never complains. I feel very sad for us!! Think this one out very carefully.
Linda
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I do not understand how people allow themselves to be ruled by extremely selfish and or dotty relatives.....assisted living is the only answer for these people. Get over the guilt trips and live your lives please!
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Lovingdaughter,

My husband is against me sending my grandmother to an AL homes because of the moral thing. He was raised very conservatively and think it's just the right thing to do to take care of her when nobody else is willing to. I have expressed my feeling to him. He said it is MY grandmother and he understands but urges me to re-consider what he says. He said that if he's willing to do it, why not me. It just makes me want to cry and I think I'm at the edge of depression. Yesterday I was already thinking of the location to hang myself while driving home from work, not that I'm going to do it. However, that thought scared me.

My grandmother has told me that she wants to come home to us ASAP. She said it'd be more comfortable at home but she worries she might fall down when no one is around. I kept putting her off and begging her to stay as long as the doctor lets her. I told her it's better for her to stay because she has constant care there 24/7. She keeps saying it's a nursing home and it's depressing to see other sick old people like her around. I don't know what the deal is but I just think she's bored.
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Have your had him evaluated for depression? Sitting all by himself all day, sounds like someone who could be depressed.
Maybe a home health aide could take him shopping on Saturdays? I imagine that he likes to get out and about once a week and understand that you need Saturdays for yourself, so an aide could come in handy.
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You need to do what's best for you at this point. I truly understand your situation. Pray about it and ask God to help you make the decision, and forget about everyone else's comments. When you enter into peace with your answer, you can believe that's from God.
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my grandfather fell and broke his shoulder, he was living by himself. I was already getting stressed taking him to the drs and so on. He would get mad if my husband couldn't mow the lawn, we couldn't get up their to shovel his walk because of the snow. The rehab center social worker dr occ therapy said he needs 24 hr care. He has emphysema a swallowing problem, cirrohosis, shuffles his feet high risk of fall and has macular degeneration. I got him into assistant living and he wants to go home. At first he told me to sell his house and what to do with his things. I have his house on the market. Now he wants to go home. I am so stressed. This is the first time I felt comfortable. He used to never answer the phone, he drove without a license ( and blind mind you) He will not pay anyone to clean, mow or anything like that. he is getting around better but still is hunched over blind and has his illnesses runs out of breath from just walking to a chair. I have a family myself and work full time. I have been talked to at work about having to take him to all these appts. What do I do.
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You've gotten some wonderful tips here. I just want to emphasize that you are not "horrible" for thinking and feeling the way you do. You've done so much. Changes need to be made. Think it through, but do what you must. I loved the comment above that said most people don't want to move to AL - until they get there. Once they adjust to having peers for company, many if not most, love it. It opens up whole new horizons and many bloom. Of course, this is not always the case and it does depend on finding a good AL. People in AL also need family care. They just get extra care, and that is good for a lot of people.
Carol
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My parents (mom dimentia/parkinson's, dad - alzheimers) have lived with me and my family for over a yea now and I wish they were somewhere else. it's a smelly, confusing, stressful, depressing, expensive, smelly dirty bizarre, sleepless nightmare. They don't know who I am, they don't know that they live here, I'm taking care of 2 strangers. I am burnt out . I want out.
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Elaine...I am so with you on that one..almost have the same situation. For the past 12 years I have been doing my mom's bidding. For the past 12 years I have given up Sundays to take her shopping and do various things. She would never ever take up the notion by me having someone else do it...never. So now as she is declining I am even more stuck. She refused to go to an NH, even though she claims she is so bored living alone. I come over there on Tuesdays and Thursday eves and am there practically all weekend. She has a caregiver 20 hours a week. She has her nasy hooks into me until the day she dies or has to go for some reason into an NH...and then her nasty little quip of 'NO WAY' of not going into a NH will change...I can't wait. She has Narcissitic Personality Disorder and they don't change until their dead. I have researched this subject and nothing changes these types of folks...they train a family member to do their bidding..it's a sick type of personality. So I am totally burned out...can't wait for this hell to be over with her. She has been my nightmare all my life and it won't be over until she is gone gone gone!
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Pirate, you know I can relate. What a nightmare we've landed in. We must pray for strength. And get the gang plank ready...
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Elaine, I have been caring for Mom for 4 years, the last 2 + full time. It's not easy and messes up your whole life. I know we are supposed to honor our parents and take care of them, but at some point we have to get our lives back. It sounds like you have done more than your share. Having them in a NH and visiting them regularly is one thing, but having them in your living room, controlling every aspect of your life, takes a major toll. Most of us have and are living that, whether due to lack of funds, or other reasons, it's the pits! It sounds like it's time for you to move on and get your life back. Good luck!
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You know, I've heard Dr Laura say in the past that 'honoring your father and mother' means: making sure they are fed, safe, being taken care of. She never said that the honoring part means the parent has to LIVE with the child. I don't agree with everything she says, but in this instance I do. Why is it the only alternative that many adult children consider when they want to 'honor their father and mother'? Not everyone can do it and not go insane. There is no shame in saying that 'I'm just not able'.
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I'm addressing this to everyone who has commented. Hind site is twenty-twenty but these situations can be avoided with planning ahead of time. Get your parents needs and desires written down while they are in their right mind. Discuss a plan and pick out the living arrangements. Every situation is different so have different scenario's in place for different health care issues. Most parents don't want to be a burden on their children or grandchildren. When these situations are planned out ahead of time, arrangements can be made to place in independent "step down" LTC facilities. Parent's and/or grandparents can visit different facilities and be in control of there own future.
FYI, In my experience as a nurse working in LTC, 9/10 times, the older they get, the more they revert back to child-like behavior. And as with children, boundries need to be established and followed through with. Most of the caregivers commenting in this thread are being manipulated to the fullest extent. Your loved one is using the love and obligation you feel for them like a weapon. You are being bludgeoned over and over by the "guilt" mallot. The loved one is the Puppet Master and the caregiver is the puppet.
My second best advice for the caregivers struggling in this thread is this; Do you feel as though your loved one is getting the BEST possible care living with you? Are all of their psychosocial needs being met? Are they truely happy? Do you provide activities for them on a daily basis? How much time do you have to spend with them? It's not just the safety, nutrition, and medical needs that need to be met. It's so much more. Like children, they need A LOT of attention. Your loved one will kick, scream, manipulate, and guilt trip you all the way to a LTC facility but in the end, they will adjust and be happy because they KNOW, deep down inside, they are a burden to you but are too scared for any kind of change. Therefore they would rather torture you and live in the condition they are in because the alternative is too terrifying to even consider.
So, sit down, communicate your intentions with your loved one, visit several LTC facilities and include them in the process, then let them pick which one. It will provide them with the empowerment they need and put the decision in their court. The only decision on the table will be which LTC facility they have chosen. YOUR HOME is off the table! Be Strong and Good Luck Caregivers!
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I totally understand.. Im burned out too taking care of dad, he is so different when other siblings are around..these are old posts im wondering how you are now?
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naheaton, your words are a comfort!
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Orchid...problem with that many folks DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT THE ENVITABLE. My folks did not want to discuss anything...they had personality flaws that would not let them go there...so I get to be the stuckee for crazy messed up parents who have no gift for looking forward or my needs at all. So if you have messed up parents sorry but they won't even look at this type of scenario at all. Perhaps sane parents who are educated can do this but not the ones that refuse to look at future events
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I totally understand! We ended up actually writing out a list of pros and cons to try to take some of the emotion (guilt) out of our decision-making regarding what to do with Mom and Dad. It was a painful and chaotic time for our family, but we knew we just couldn't continue caring for both of them in our home. After almost six years, we had to throw in the towel. We're glad we kept them with us as long as we did, but we are also glad now to have our lives together, even if that does sound a little selfish! I've captured our whole story in the book, Slightly Dented Halos, available on Amazon.com. May be inspirational for other caregivers?
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I feel for you. I finally threw in the towel and took my mother to a nursing home. I understand taking care of a parent that does his/her share (even if that share is very, very small), but to care for someone that truly doesn't care anymore is exhausting. And I don't think it is fair to the children, grandchildren, or anyone else that has to give up most, all, or even part of their way of living for no appreciation, consideration, or even a kind word. Consider getting him into a nursing home. He will be better because he will have all the care he needs and you will have your peace of mind back. Then the only thing you have to worry about is visiting every so often and keeping up with his well being by phone/visits/email/whatever. The guilt will be there, some stress will be there, but it all comes out fine at the end and it will be only part of your time, not your entire life. We weren't made to carry the burden of thoughtless parents or grandparents. I don't have kids, but even now I'm thinking of a niece and nephew that might be kind enough to take me in when I'm old, and if they are so kind, I sure am going to do my best not to be a big pain in the ass to them. It is simply not fair.
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I know that this post above regarding the couple who took care of her father for 15 years was back in 2009. I too, am dealing with a problem that appears to be so much worse than anything else in this world! I am an only child with no family and no support, no friends as I have isolated myself, drowning in deep depression and seeking psychiatry visits with meds to sleep, anti-depression meds, psychology appointments and counseling...I have given up my workouts being a fitness nut and body builder. I am only 42 years old and the last 3 years have been a wreck...as my 78 year old father came from overseas at his disposal to his home in America. I had him evaluated, and advocating using all of my strength and power, found the rare brain disorder called "NPH"-normal pressure hydrocephalus, where most doctors told me that he had Alzheimer's as the symptoms are exactly the same. Going through all the "riff-raff" trying to get him the surgery to save his life in dealing with all of the medical bureaucracy, appointments, the emotion, finances, and the list is endless. It is now 3 years later...he got his surgery and as of the first of this year, I had decided to come take care of him surrendering my apartment. He is better, but the disorder was found too late, so there is permanent damage. He has left me with a nightmare and an international apartment that he owns that I know nothing about and he claims that he needs to go there....as he can't even barely take showers on his own.

I am at witts end and about ready to have a nervous breakdown! His demands are great, he rehashes the past and we argue saying that I am jealous of him, and he has no appreciation for the fact that I care for him. He doesn't support me in anything that I do financially....as with him its all about $$ and he won't let me hire people to help him....even though I am POA. I simply don't have the heart to place him somewhere, but my health...mentally, physically, emotionally is at stake. I don't know what to do and I have reached out to everyone that I can image.

Thank you. LEE from Oregon
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Desperado, what did your counselors encourage you to do? I can't imagine one worth his or her salt would say maintain the status quo. Weather you have the heart to or not does not really seem to be the issue for it sounds like your health is about to crash and then what would happen to him? Is he a Vet? If so, they supply support for those in need to go to a nursing home. It sounds like for your well-being and his safety and care that he needs to go there. Has the doctor told you if he thinks your dad is competent or not? If so, then it is time to take charge and use that POA for what it was entrusted to you to do in a situation like this.
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Thank you for your replies. Counselors/Therapists don't have an answer that I already haven't thought of. I don't believe that he is ready for a nursing home...as he can manage some things on his own. He is not a Vet of the US, but was in the Israeli army, which doesn't apply here in the U.S. I mainly utilize his POA for finances, and even buy myself a present now and then to "gift" myself. Money is not the issue here, but I am so unaware of finances and investments, I leave it with the financial advisors that we use . I tell you, not one material piece of belonging would compensate for my lack of happiness..so to speak. Spending hours on ebay to heal my pain, only made matters worse by being up all night so i stopped this habit. He is moderately demented. He can bath himself, and he can serve himself. I think that that hardest thing is constantly cooking, grocery shopping and cleaning...along with a big home with a disastrous yard, a divorce that I am trying to file to protect his assets, 2 yorkies, meds, appointments, la-ti-da. Keep in mind that I had spent all of my savings during the time that he was going through his surgery to maintain my own apartment and now he supports me...and he can afford it. I feel as though he is upset with me being reliant on him, so in turn, his demands are greater than the "norm". Again, he is in the interum and well enough still to be home, yet not sick enough to go into a nursing home. I have a nurse once a week come in and check vitals and a mental health nurse that counsels him weekly, but these days, even that doesn't help much.
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I was just combing through the threads and saw this one as your post reminds me of me. 15 years of taking care of your father is to be admired. Hats off to you and your husband, and I totally understand your need to find an alternative way to care for him so you have your life back. Its been a while since your post, so I am hoping that things have turned out for the better.

My husband and I were also taking care of my 82 year old father who has a few medical issues including a heart condition - we moved him 3000 miles from another country to live with us in the U.S. and he has been very difficult to live with - miserable, angry, demanding, etc. In fact, he's been so difficult that he often picked fights with my husband, calling him racist names, and sometimes just standing there staring at him. One time, my husband lashed back at him, and now he wants to separate from us. I have always wanted to separate from him but would never have thought of it, out of guilt. But now I am thankful that he has asked us to leave. I also want my life back and I am grateful that he acted out so irrationally that he wants us to move out. I guess for me this is a blessing in disguise.
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I can't take care of my 87 year old mother anymore, I hate to say it but she's impossible to deal with at this point. She refuses all the home health and nursing care we have had. Treats me nasty and is always arguing with me. She can no longer live at home alone she refuses to eat, will not take her medication. Life has become unbearable for both of us. Her doctor helped me place her in a nursing home this week and now she is really angery. I feel bad about this, but realize it was the only choice I had left. I know she is safe and getting the care she needs. I am going to take it one day at a time make decisions concerning her care and needs, but I still am afraid that this not going to work and I am going to right back where I was before. Right now am hoping that the Doctors and staff at the nursing home can help me muddle through this trying time. Does anyone else have advise for how to handle these first few days or weeks during this transistion?
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The doctors and staff will focus mainly on your mother. You are being far too hard on yourself. You did the right thing getting her somewhere she can be safe and cared for. It is not for anyone, although many do, to through themselves, their marriages, etc. under the bus because of F.O.G., fear of making them angry. Those are her feelings. Let her deal with them. You don't have to absorb them or let yours become controlled by hers; sense of obligation to not make this kind of decision for all sorts of social/religious/psychological ideas that are not always reasonable; and lastly a sense of guilt because you can't fix it for her, etc. It sounds like you need to see your own doctor about possibly some depression meds or anti-anxiety to help so that you can see a therapist as an objective, trained third party to help you walk through this. The nursing home social worker can be of some support, but they have so much on their plate. Believe me, you have done the right thing. Now, make decisions concerning taking care of you for your mom is being taken care of at the nursing home.
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Thank you for your support and suggestions. The staff at the nursing home have been great they deal with this kind of thing everyday. This is the first time I have felt like someone in the medical field finally knows what's happening to mom and how hard it has been on her family. They told me to go home and take care of myself and not to worry. She is still every angery with me, but I am learning to walk away or go home. She is now starting show her anger and confused state more with the staff and her roomate, this may sound terrible but I am glad that others are seeing her behavior. The staff doctor saw her today and reviewed her past medical history he was very clear that she could never go home again and that I could no longer care for her. We discussed her treatment plan and what his short term goals were for getting her physically better (she 73 lbs.) but told me her mental state would only continue to decline. Yes, this is sad, but now I feel that I can finally start putting the pieces of my life back together. Right now that almost seems like a blessing and a curse. I know about co-dependency and how detaching emotionally will help to start clearing some of the fog. Everday will be a choice has to how I make decisions. I still plan to check on her everyday since I live close to the nursing home but I will try to no longer buy into the daily drama. If this becomes to much to handle I will have to stopping going to see her as much. There is a altimerizers support group in our area, does any go to them and are they helpful? I am going to my doctor to take care of some long over due care for myself. God-Bless everyone of you that are were I am or have been there before.
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I sugest that your grandmother go to AL. I so wish we had done that 7 years ago with my mother. At the time my 2 girls were young and I feel now that I missed lots with them because someone had to be home with mother. It is very difficult and things don't get better. Think this through and do what is best for your family.
Carol
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