I've posted my story many times but recapping anyways:I got mom from India when she became very forgetful...noone was there to supervise her care and it was a nightmare to manage her aides from here etc. My brother (MB) lives overseas in another country. He said he might move back to India in 2 years and care for mom. All this was in 2018. He did not move back.
Now DB says since mom is ok with me here in America, let her be. I've told him many times I need a mental break, how her insurance is so expensive ( Mom won't get medicare/medicaid yet). But it's "all water off the duck's back" with DB. After a lot of pleading, he finally sent some money towards her insurance.
He called today to wish mom for her birthday (his previous call was 6 months ago) and I just could not control my anger at him. My heart started racing, head hurt because I cannot keep the conversation "light & frivolous." I want him to tell me if he's going to take in mom. But he will not. So I said a quick hello & handed the phone to mom and went off on a Target run.
The thing is, his son has moved here for graduate studies but the nephew has not called us nor did DB inform me of his flight details. (We knew he got admission here but was stuck back in his country due to covid). I thought DB might have at least told me he was arriving this month,
I'm stuck on seeing things in b&w...DB has to take in mom...I won't have it any other way because I want him & SIL to see how much help she needs and how much it's costing us. The amount he sent is basically peanuts
With all this going on in my mind, how should I handle the next phone call even if it's 6 months away? Even if nephew does call, I worry I might take out my general anger on him. Is there a way to be friendly with DB despite the BIG ELEPHANT in the room?
Right. And this forum warned her not to bring her mother here from India. I'm pretty sure she was aware of this before she did it.
my brothers did the same - ran away. dumped it on me.
by the way, it's not that your 3 brothers "can't cope" with the mental change.
they don't want to.
i forced my 3 brothers to help. they now do some things (because they don't want to look totally horrible).
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i wish us well, suzie -- and everyone on this website, and our LOs.
:)
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i wish us all a great xmas!!!! :) :) :)
and lots of xmas spirit!!! :) :) :)
bundle of joy :)
Figure out what is going to work best for you - what you can live with - what won't bring on guilt. And this doesn't mean it will be easy. What you decide to do for yourself and your mother may be the hardest thing you ever do. Caregiving is a selfless act but I believe we are called to serve others and there are blessings in our efforts to do our best for a loved one.
I moved my mother in with me a year and a half ago during the pandemic. I was told she had given up on life and I didn't want her to die alone in the facility without ever seeing us or her grandchildren again.
I thought I would get more help from my sister but she has made it abundantly clear that she is has a life and not much time for mom. We finally came to an arrangement for mom to go to her house every other weekend from Friday night to Sunday night. At one point, I told my sister I needed more help. Her response was to put her back in the facility I had taken her out of. I never expected my sister to do as much as I was doing. I just hoped that she would offer what she could - even if it was just to pick mom up earlier on Fridays - or take her to a doctor's appointment every now and then.
The straw that finally broke the camel's back for me was at Thanksgiving. She was going to take mom for a few hours on Thanksgiving Day. I hoped that she might take her for a few more days so I could get away to a family cabin with my family. Her response was that she couldn't because she had a houseful of people to entertain, a party to go to on the weekend and that she was already missing her granddaughter's dance recital because it fell on her weekend.
All of this may have been true but it was the way she came across - as if her life is much more imporant than mine and the social activities that are a part of her life are more important than helping with mom.
So now mom has declined to a point doctors have said it would be too hard on her to travel back and forth between homes. My sister has to come here to see her.
My relationship with my sister is so damaged, I can't imagine interacting with her after mom is gone. All very sad.
My one brother and evil SIL have visited mom maybe twice in a year. But, when my mom's brother passed, they were the ones to show the rest of the family how good they are to my mom and brought her to the funeral. As my other brother described it, they are good at the "dog and pony" show. In any event, I don't care to ever talk with my brother and evil SIL ever again. In fact, when mom passes and after the estate is settled, I am the most important person in my family.
I really feel for you. Jut remember to take care of yourself. And, have a wonderful Christmas!
OH, AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER THE PHONE!
Under these circumstances, you have to act as if you have no brother. Make all decisions about your mother alone. Use your brain, not your heart for making those decisions. You are smart, you will find the right path. Get some assistance from elderly-related social agencies, Accept that you're alone in this endeavor.
Who shows up? With a stack of Christmas gifts for my mom? You got it. My brother. "Passing through." If he'd bothered to let me know, I could have stayed home. I could barely be civil.
Well of course your brother is easy going, relaxed and comical...the ones who never have to be accountable for anything usually are! If you know your mom will not go to stay with him and/or he will not take her, then you have to make up your mind that this is your lot in life OR you say to your mom that you want your privacy and freedom back and you can't do this anymore and begin the assisted living conversation with mom and brother.
Word of warning....if you have read this thread at all I am sure you have noticed that the majority of caregivers are women. That's because the brothers don't want to deal with it and the sisters typically have to shoulder the responsibility.
My brother is a friggin' nurse and he still doesn't do anything and seldom calls mom.
Call your brother with facts and solutions and an air of sternness. Because if you come at him with out of control emotion, he will shut it down and not hear you.
Good Luck!
Tell brother and sil you cannot afford mom's care on your own. You might tell them you have a ticket purchased for XX date to send her to them for 6 mos. Each will do 1/2 year. -Just toss it out there to see what is said.
Maybe send them an itemized statement of your expenses to care for mom with a note of how these could be split so that each of you is responsible for 1/2. Be sure to add in to that statement the cost of hiring enough help for yourself.
Right now you are so overwhelmed with responsibility that you do feel bitter that he isn't. That's a normal phase of adjustment when you are tied down with caregiving and financing it all by yourself, when it shouldn't be all yours. Mom should have planned better, brother should step up to help, without being forced and mom's country should have better social services to help. But you are apparently it and that is a heavy burden to bare alone. I know your husband is great and his parents are helpful but, I know that can add another layer of "guilt" because you don't want them burdened with the responsibility. You are blessed to have them though.
Maybe sending your brother a letter that shares some of your burden, it's okay to tell him you are angry at him and why, it doesn't have to be social veneer BS. Tell him that you want him to help financially with moms expenses and how much you feel he should contribute. That's perfectly okay to do. Remember though, he may say no and that is his choice, you know him and maybe even his financial situation but, he might not be willing and you have to be able to accept his answers, whatever they are.
I was never able to have a civil conversation with my brother unless I ignored his crap, overlooked and disregarded all the garbage he spewed. One day I realized that I was the only one trying to have a relationship and that is when I was able to accept him for who and what he is. It's not pretty and until he decides that he doesn't have the right to be ugly and always, always selfish and self-centered, using others as a scratching post and realize that verbally attacking our dad with threats of physical harm wasn't okay, then I have no use for him and I don't want the contact with someone like him. Believe me, I wish it was different but, it's not and I can't let him steal my peace of mind. I, also, can not let him make me bitter.
I don't know your brother but, I think that laying it out in a letter that he can read and think about before you guys speak could clear the air. Just having a sibling that supports you emotionally is probably amazing and I imagine would heal a lot of the resentment. You have shared memories that nobody else has with you and I know from my experience that being able to vent to someone that knows and loves me, warts and all would make dealing with my parents, now just my mom, so much easier. However, I will never have that and you might could. So I really encourage you to put it in writing and start finding out where he really lives and what type of man he is.
Oh, I wouldn't send it to his wife or son. It's his responsibility and doing so could be a provocation to all of them. He needs to deal with them about his decisions.
I really hope that you can find some time for you. You matter too!
Now that you all mention it, nephew was never in touch with us anyway and used to think in his teen years, that relatives are too nosy. So I guess I will let this one slide too....
I have no expectations of DB but I just cannot carry on an easy-breezy phone conversation with him.
If you decide to send it, address a copy to him, a copy to SIL and a copy to your nephew (if you can find an address). Perhaps you can wrap it up in a letter about how Christmas went at your place.
You can set out how much all this is costing you, and your wish to settle mother’s assets in India to provide for her needs now. The chances are that your brother is the major beneficiary. If he has no money now, then an alternative you could suggest is that he pays your costs when he does inherit. If you can get something that sounds like a promise to pay, start sending him a monthly bill for the costs you have incurred.
This is something you can do that doesn’t involve a phone confrontation. It may have no effect at all, but it lets you get things off your chest without destroying the future - especially if you can make it about your hurt rather than anger. At least an option to think about? Yours, Margaret
You are hurt because your brother is not meeting your expectations of who you wish (and thought) he was.
Just because you are blood-related to your brother, if he is not treating you or your mother well, you have zero more than nostalgic memories. Enjoy those memories… love them for what they are and move on.
Your mother’s needs will grow. He will probably vanish even more over time. This will be maddening if you let it be.
You are getting nothing from him so shift your expectations, expect nothing and you won’t continuously be hurt. He isn’t giving you any false promises or expectations. Don’t expect anything from your nephew— If your nephew wanted a relationship, wouldn’t he contact you himself?
Stop “giving” anything to your brother and his son. By doing otherwise, you will only hurt yourself.
Look to your kind friends and other family members. You are probably surrounded by love and support. Realize that this is the next chapter of “family.”
Nobody can make another person do anything unless their is a law about it. In the case of providing support for a dependent parent, there isn't one.
Instead of beating yourself up about your brother's lack of support, start using your energy to find other solutions. Help your mom get Medicare/Medicaid applied for. Talk to other family members, friends, members of your faith community, local/federal government sources... for all the help you can. The goal is find ways to provide care for your parent without impoverishing yourselves or allowing stress to make you sick.
He is not going to be part of your solution so you need to forget about him. I'd not bother talking to him much at all. Don't be mad, just be unavailable and don't engage in any arguing with. A waste of your precious energy.
I would also stop being upset about him not telling you about your nephew. What's done is done.
Start looking for solutions that do not include him.
Your nephew is an adult if he's in grad school and it's HIS responsibility to share that info with you, not your bother's.
I hear your frustration about mom's care. You can't change HIS behavior, only your own.
It sounds line this financially unsustainable for you. Sadly, returning her to India and visiting, say, twice a year may be the only solution
I have no solution for you, but I want you to know I hear you. It is hard.
I am like your brother. In my family, all are Canadian, so all are eligible for government benefits. Dad lives with my brother. I will never provide hands on care for my Dad.
Why not? Dad has been abusive to me my entire life, because he decided when I was a toddler that I was defective.
In your case, you did what you thought was best for Mum, providing care in your home in the US, instead of leaving her in India with no oversight. Sadly it is not your brother's job to pick up the slack, just as it was not your job to move her in the first place.
I know you feel you had no other options at the time.
I hear your anger.
Is there anyway you and your brother can have a conversation, perhaps with a mediator, to talk about how to move forward with Mum's care? Not you telling him what he has to do, but explaining in detail what Mum needs and asking for him to help. Keep in mind he is not obligated to help.
I think u know this, Mom will be able to eventually get Medicaid but she will never get Medicare. You have to work in the US to get Medicare.
Thank you for replying.
Give up expecting things from your family. Not everyone even HAS any extended family. Concentrate on your own choices and what you can/should do for your own future going forward.
It would be dreadful, really, to take out your anger on someone on anyone else. That would be a cruel thing, and doing it would show you/should show you just how far you are surpassing your own limitations.
I am so sorry for how overwhelmed and unhappy you are, but I don't feel you should try to judge your brother's choices, nor expect him to act as you wish he would act.
I don't know that I would even talk to him. My brother threatened our dad and my dad was scared. So the last time I talked to my brother was when he was telling me what he did and said, who threatens a feeble old man. I haven't even tried contacting him about our dads death, one year ago this month. He has made his stance perfectly clear and I can not be civil to someone that would do what he did.
You have to make the decision if he is worth it. Does he enrich your life in any way or is he just a thorn in your side?
I don't think taking it out on his son would make you feel better. He has no more control over your brother then you do.
I know her expenses are killing you guys, can you sell her property in India and use the proceeds for her care? This would be better then seeing your brother get half.
Great big warm hug!
terrible brother.