How do you nicely say "I can not be your sole social outlet. Please give me some space and allow me to have a life!"?

By saying just as you posted your question... be prepared for the onslaught that is going to happen afterward, do not expect her to be agreeable, full of acceptance or even give you her blessings.... You can make that statement to her, you do not need her permission to not be a slave.... it will feel awful inside, and you will drive yourself crazy rehearsing it, but do it anyway.. having courage means we do it anyway..... and you might want to say this on your way out the door.... that way you don't have to endure the onslaught of what is coming next... if you are not present for her to manipulate, then she is left with her own feelings... there is no PC way to do this.... if you don't make a stand for you, no one else will.... prayers for you to get what you need out of that conversation... hugs across the miles to you...

Exhausted, the words in your subject line sound perfectly nice to me. Have you tried them with Mother?

I might try a slight tweak to the wording. "I love you very much, and I regret that I cannot be your sole social outlet. I need to have some space, and I need to have a life of my own, as well as a life as your daughter." That wording makes it clearer that you are not asking for her permission and that this is not negotiable. Making it sound like a request (please give me) may sound "nicer" but it is kinder, I think, to be more direct. I love you, and I also need my own life. This is not an either/or ... it is a both/and situation.

Saying it isn't enough, of course. Do it. Cut back on the number of weekend visits to twice a month or once a month. Maybe add in a Sunday dinner or two, sometimes at your house and sometimes at a restaurant.

Does the AL offer a laundry service? Could any of the tasks you do be hired out? Can you simplify some of the others? Working full time and taking on so many additional tasks for someone else is hard!

What is your mother's prognosis? She has terminal cancer. Obviously no one can know for sure, but do her doctors feel she may have several years ahead of her, or is it more likely to end within the year? I think this might influence your decisions somewhat.

Are there other relatives or close friends who could do some of the daily visiting? Could you gently nudge them in that direction? "Gladys, Mom loves daily visitors but I'm not going to be able to see her next Wednesday. Is there any chance you could stop in and play some cards with her?" Do NOT expect others to jump in and help on their own, but many are happy to once they know what they can do.

Could some of your daily visits be by phone?

Experiment and see whether it works better to have shortened visits daily, or longer visits less often.

You work to support yourself. You work to keep your mother's finances and health in good shape. You work to maintain your own household. If you don't also have a life, what on earth do you and your mother talk about 7 days a week? If you have a life of your own, you will have more interesting things to share with your mother. You can tell her how dumb you feel trying to learn to play bridge and ask her about things she's tried that made her feel dumb. You can give her a blow-by-blow commentary on your gardening efforts, and then show her your garden when she visits a couple times a month. You can tell her about the book you are reading and maybe even offer to share it if she still reads.

You must love your mother very much to sacrifice so much for her. Make sure that she knows how much you love her even as you make changes to also have a life of your own.

Good luck ... and let us know how things progress.

Ladee --
Thank you for your quick and caring response. You are completely right -- no one will do this for me. Instead of an onslaught, I think her reaction will be to recoil in disbelief that I could for one instant think that I should be so self-centered as to want even a small part of my "old" life back. She tells me that she understands that she is taking up all of my time and is driving me crazy, but in the next breath continues to do it. She won't make a decision on her own about her own care, regardless of how trivial the decision is... she will instead call me up to four times a day in the middle of my work day. The voice on the other end is always a soft whine.... when I know full well she can speak clearly and strongly any other time. The manipulation is endless, and on those rare times when I simply can't respond the way she wants or expects, all of a sudden that voice changes instantly into the strong, unyielding voice I've come to know over the years. And yet with all this said, whenever I do say "no" to something, I feel the guilt. Actually I feel the guilt regardless of what I do -- no matter if I've given her a day filled with exactly what she wants and expects...I still feel guilt at the end of the day. I think the guilt is in knowing that while I do everything within my power to give her a good life, I am resentful of feeling like I have no other option. I hope that doesn't sound too terribly callous. I love her, but I'm having alot of trouble liking her recently. Thank you again for your hug...here's one back at you!

Ah, yes, guilt. You are wise to recognize that you will feel guilty no matter what you do. You do not deserve it and you did not earn it, but it is there nevertheless. So ... accept that irrtional guilt feelings are going to be with you, push them to the back of your mind, and do what you have to do in spite of them. Don't let guilt drive your decisions, because, as you've recognized, the guilt will be there regardless.

Here's another hug for yuo!

Thank you jeannegibbs - I have said things in the past along these lines, but I'm going to say it again, and this time mean it. My mother has no idea of the time I spend doing her banking, driving 30 miles one-way on my lunch hour to return safety deposit box keys, meet with financial planners, do her taxes, along with doing the virtually endless litney of daily "chores" she lists -- because she "needs" things -- daily. Its ludicrous. At this point, I've told her -- if I have to go to the store or bank for myself, I'll do for her. No special trips. I was solely responsible for selling her home -- she could no longer live there alone, and cleaning out 60 years of clutter while I now store all of her "good" clutter in a storage unit. I have given my life over to her for the past year and she still wants more. My very lucky brother lives out-of-state, and calls her every day -- why every day?? -- because I called him and asked him to. Now she can't stop telling me about how "wonderful" he is because he calls her every day, and she "knows if he were closer he would do everything for her". Un-friggin-believeable!

OK, Exhausted. We see a lot of posters on here who get encouragement and advice and they don't seem to take any actions. Maybe just having someone acknowledge how tough they have it is enough for the time being. That's OK with me. And we also see posters who explain their situation, get advice and encouragment and support, and then they make some change and come back and post about how it is going.

Which kind of poster are you? Is it enough that we understand how much you are sacrificing and applaud you for it? Then please hear my applause loud and clear. You are doing wonderful things and you are a dutiful, loving daughter. Sincerely, I compliment you and sympathize with your situation.

Or do you really intend to make some changes? If so, I'd love to hear how it goes when you scale back your weekend sleep-overs or when you cut back on your dailing visits or when you think up and act on other ways to take back some of your own life.

Either way, I'm on your side. Best of wishes to you, whatever you decide to do!

Actually Jeanne, I think I'm on my way out of the tunnel. After going to dinner with mom yesterday and spending the evening together, she called today to tell me she wanted me to pick her up and bring her to my home for a few hours to get her out of "the home". I politely said no, I had plans today and would not be up. She didn't like it, but I did it. Yes, the guilt was there and still is, but I got to spend some "me" time on a Sunday. Thank you all for allowing me to vent. Tomorrow I will be having a longer talk with her to get my point across. New ground rules from now on.

exhausted Good for you for saying :No:. I have been there, and, when I decided that I could not keep up what mother expected of me, after a few abortive attempts, didn't even try to explain or reason. With a narcissist, there is no reasoning. They will twist thing to make you feel more guilty and more sorry for them, I simply started to do things they way they worked for me. Narcissists crave attention and control, and will go to great lengths to get it. Good for you for setting nedw ground rules. She won't like it, and she may be quite vocal about that, even to the point of telling others how you are letting her down, Don't let that sway you - it is manipulation., Narcissistic parents tend to have a "golden child" who can do no wrong, even if they don't step up and help at all. My sister is that. You are the "servant" child -I call it the cinderella child" and you will never satisfy her, there will always be more. I have stopped doing anything except dealing with her at arms length as much as possible, and only addressing the issues which I think are important -which are a very few of the ones she complains about. Look after you, and your health. My health has suffered over the past few years. from the demands of caregiving my mother -even at a distance. You have to be relentless in looking after yourself. ((((((hugs))))))

Exhausted, good luck with those 'ground rules', you can try, but it seems that if she hasn't listened and heard anything you said before, she isn't going to hear you this time either... see sweetie, the deal is, no matter how nice you try to go about this, the bottom line will always be that she wants what she wants when she wants it.... this is just a suggestion, maybe instead of talking to her, spend that energy coming up with a plan you can start with... just like telling her no this weekend....you did great... the whole thing is about you following thru with it... if you tell her no, then be prepared to deal with whatever she sends out into the universe....but don't back down... and if you only start with telling her no for the weekends, then you can move to something else next time.... but always make sure you are going to follow thru... if you don't , then you are back to square one....when she calls you at work, let it go to voicemail, you know if something is wrong, the facility will contact you....you many even tell her it will be going to voicemail, you are doing that for YOU, not her, to empower yourself to take your life back... don't do it to 'convince' her, nothing you say or do will convince her....ever... I know that is hard to understand, but it is what it is... and possibly you can get some counseling to help you understand the guilt and how she is allowed to live in your soul rent free with that guilt.... you've already started this journey by telling her how you were going to do the banking....give yourself some credit for acting on your own needs, and you survived..... atta girl, you survived, and it will get easier.... please come back and vent all you need to... even tho this is a process for you to get healthy with this, she is still going to send you into orbit with her demands.... but you will also be able to have some plans in place for when this happens, and coming here and talking it out will always help... so blessing sent your way for being a loving daughter, that has also learned, you are very important to the bigger picture of life, and you do get to have your alone time, or social time or what ever else that you need.... hugs across the miles to you again, we can't get too many hugs when we are on the journey of telling mom NO....

Emjo, everything you've said is exactly on the mark! My brother has always been the golden boy. When he finally married and got out from under her thumb, she has never had a good word to say about his wife, who is a lovely woman. I think she resents her for taking him from her in a way. I have been suffering from terrible heart palpitations which dr says is stress related. It's time for this nonsense to stop, and I realize that only I can make that happen. I just feel bad that it's come to this. She has always been very judgmental and difficult thru out her life, and now it's magnified. Thank you for your kind words. (((((HUGS))))

(((((((hugs)))))) exhausted. You are right. It is time for this nonsense to stop. It is too hard on your phisical and mental health. I have walked in your shoes, I had palpitations for years, now it is gut issues. One phone call can do it, even when I do not answer. Believe me the sky will not fall down, if you do not answer, or if you say "No", and you don't need to explain why. to anyone. You are a caring person, and being taken advantage of. Narcissists pick this up on their radar as someone they can use. Your mother is narcissitic. Everyone has a little narcissism, and some is healthy, but she and others, including my mum and sister, have it to the point of mental illness. If you google "daughtersofnarcissisticmothers" you will find a website with much helpful information. You will see your mother and yourself there. My mother had nothing good to say about my sister's husband either, yet he was a decent man, Now my sister has nothing good to say about her son's wife, yet they are a decent couple, and she ignores their son, her only grandchild. They are a lovely family. I absolutely do not understand it, but I know it is not healthy. I am stepping into that gap and developing a relationship with my nephew and his wife and son. My mother has been judgmental and difficult all her life too. As she has aged the paranoia has increased.
Do come back and let me (us) know how you are doing. It isn't easy to set and maintain boundaries, but it is so important for your health. There are times I wonder how any of us have survived this kind of upbringing, and remained caring, loving people, but we have, though not without scars. (((((((hugs)))))))

exhausted - I should add, that grieving the bad relationship is healthy, and even necessary in order to to move on. It IS too bad that is has come to this, and not what we want, at all. In order to detach and distance emotionally, I had to face the rather horrendous reality of what I grew up with and still experience within my family, to accept that I would never have the mother or sister that I needed and wanted, no matter what I did, and to grieve that loss. Then I was more ready to move into detachment. It doesn't happen all at once. Even the opther morning I had a small epiphany seeing even more clearly the sickness in the home in which I grew up. Then that was followed by profound gratitude that I had come as far as I have, that I had a good career, and have found a good partner, that my children have, and are dealing with their issues pretty successfully, that I have a healthy, decent life, and relationships in general. It has taken a lot of work, but is well worth it. I am worth it, and so are you. love and prayers ♥

We have a family friend that we have accepted as grandpa for the kids. The problem is he believes that we need to be his only social outlet. I would like to be in my own home and he not be here. I feel like a guest in my own home. I have told him how we feel but it just does not sink in. Our family gets very little privacy because he is always over. Yesterday he called 3 times when we were gone and wondered when we were going to be back home.

I cannot believe I'm reading this because I was just getting ready to post about my pushy, needy and often overbearing dad. The worst arguments my husband and I get into is over my father. Thank goodness, we really do love one another, but dealing with my dad has really put a strain on our marriage at times.

One of the problems I have is I cannot talk to my dad. I'm sure it's partly my own problem, but there have been times when I've tried and he's actually hung up on me! He doesn't like any kind of confrontation so he runs away and, therefore, nothing ever gets resolved. My entire family is guilty of not dealing with anything that is emotional.

He actually has lots of friends and does spend time with them every day, but for whatever reason, Dad wants to hang out with me and my husband. Not all the time, but it seems like it starts out small and suddenly we have him dropping in on us or calling way too much. I can think of all sorts of things I'd like to say, but there always ends up being a certain amount of guilt at my inability to just spend a little more time with him and my mom. She, by the way, has some kind of dementia but is also quite happy most of the time and very undemanding.

Recently my dad was complaining about being bored so my husband asked if he would like to help burn some pasture. So, Dad came over a couple of times and was exhausted within an hour or less. I actually worried that we might be asking too much of him. Apparently not, because the next Saturday my husband and I had just finished breakfast and were still sitting at the table, relaxing, when my dad showed up at 8:00 TELLING us it was time to do some more burning! Not only that, as he and my husband were heading out the door, he told me that since he was here helping us, I should go spend some time with my mom!!

In the grand scheme of things, he's not as bad as a lot of the parents I read about in this forum, but he can be so exhausting. My husband really loses it sometimes and I can understand because they aren't his parents. If his mother had shown up on our doorstep as often as my dad does, I would have been really irritated.

My husband and I just got through another big argument last night because he wants me to confront my father and if I won't, then he will. Of course, I don't want that to happen, but I was so angry and upset that I told him to have at it which only led to more arguing. I think what started it was an ad for Mother's Day! Anyway, we finally got ourselves calmed down and were able to discuss it so I know we're good again for a while.

What I do end up doing is avoiding my parents. Even yesterday Dad left me a message telling me his group was getting together for the monthly "birthday dinner" and he wanted to make sure we were coming. We've gone occasionally, but we really don't want to hang out with him and his friends.

To be honest, I don't even know where I'm going with this. I'm just tired and worried about the future. He's right on the edge of needing to stop driving and then I'm worried I'm going to be getting calls all the time to take them places. I'm worrying about the stuff that hasn't even happened yet! But, I'm sure I'll be back when that happens. :-)

Your story sounds exactly like my life was for many years. I took care of my Mom before and after she went into the nursing home. I went almost everyday and felt guilty when I didn't. She wasn't mean, always sweet and thanked me for everything I did for her, but still it was very stressful and I, too, felt like I didn't have a life. She is gone now and I have no regrets that I did everything I could for her. I miss her terribly. I feel for you but believe me, once they are gone, you will be glad you did what you can. Now, with that said, you also need time for yourself.Is there anyone, family or friend, who could visit her sometimes and give you a break? Also, you might check with your local Hospice. I don't know if your mother qualifies, but if she does, they are a world of help. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers.

When someone has these character behaviors, they will NOT change, and cannot "hear" you --*making statements that do not match their expectations*--
if they do actually hear your statements, that kind of person will get angry, possibly combative, because --*you are perceived to be threatening their basic survival needs*--.
YOU have to set your own limits, or she will do it for you in ways you do not like.
It can be hard, because we are usually taught to cowtow to elders.
There is a difference between cowtowing and slavery, vs. respecting them.
Respecting them first means respecting your own limits, and making sure the elder knows what your limits are--they may not like those, but without them, everything fails.
It might fail anyway. But by respecting your boundaries and limits, you have a far better chance to come out of that with your health.
No one can get sick enough or miserable enough to help another person out of their hole. Hope that makes sense?!
{{{hugs!}}}

Exhausted, You do a lot for your mom. I grew up in a family, of which I was the eldest daughter. I had to be very responsible at a very young age. My sister, who is a 13 mos. younger than me, also had the similar responsibilities. Current day though, sis ended up being in charge of mom w/ALZ, and mom's sis, w/congestive heart failure. Sis moved in w/them into mom's home almost 4yrs. ago. Before ALZ and growing up, we experienced mom as a narcissist, layered over, by she was too bonded up w/her even worst narcissistic sister. Mom, has mellowed out w/respect to us, but honestly I think it's due to the meds she's now taking. We had to inherit the care of our aunt, (she didn't have kids). Anyway,
my sister and me had to experience some acrobatic feats with respect to our aunt's unrealistic demands, my sister more of course since she lived w/that woman. Throughout, what I call her reign, sister-works, f.t., handles everything, she's POA. But in addition, about 2 yrs. ago my aunt was apparently putting out all the demands too about sis being responsible for their social life, as they no longer could drive, and had stopped going to a senior center they'd been part of for the last 12 years or so. My sister got swept up into taking them out, almost every weekend, and it was two old lady's w/walkers. My sister has a wonderful boyfriend, who honestly was going above and beyond the call of duty. When my sister would tell me of all the problems my aunt was giving her at home, e.g, talking behind her back to caregivers, and (always lies to the point of insinuating my sister was being abusive to her), reality being it was the other way around.
Given this scenario, I couldn't understand why it was that my sister went so out of her way to take them here and there. Well I guess she did it for mom. But the abuse by aunt really got out of control, so finally one day my sister called me, to say she was ceasing the outings w/our aunt and mom. I CONGRATULATED her! Honestly, I felt that my sister was over doing this aspect of the caregiving.
My sister suffers from many boundary issues, I'm learning. This aunt finally passed Jan. 2012. RIP!

Anyway, my point to you is that yes, there are these narcissists in our families, who think they can suck every drop out of whomever it is that will allow it. I once lived in that household there w/mom, while dad was going through his cancer treatments, mom's sister was also there. Oh, I got into so many fights w/that woman, all w/respect to the lack of boundaries. So after dad died, I told mom good luck, but I'm done, and cannot live w/you, and your impossible sister. Much of this, has been set in place by both my parents, because they never had boundaries with our aunt. Now as I'm sifting through a lot of this, I realize that for years, even with responsibilities that were dumped upon me by my parents I finally got to the point of asking myself, why is it that I felt so guilty, even when I had gone beyond the call of duty in many situations. But you see, this is also where people like ourselves start getting the boundaries all blurred. So be aware of this aspect of it. O.K., we're all rooting for you here, because we want you to be energized! Stay strong, hugs! Margeaux

Jeanne Gibbs,
I so loved your post to Exhausted, as to what kind of poster she wants to be.
This is great, and very true! Margeaux

HUGS TO YOU. YOU CAN NOT CONTROL MOM YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOU. SO, YOU HAVE TO CHANGE your BEHAVIORS. THIS IS NOT SOMETHING YOU SAY BUT DO....

Yes, I live with my mother and love her very much. She had a spinal compression fracture in early March, and we have hired some help to come in so that I can have a break part-time during the day. I need to work and will look for some part-time work to help pay the bills.

What really I want to say here is that faith is extremely important for any hard situation that we are in. OUR OTHER FAMILY is too, too far away to help! We are really on our own but will manage. Thank you for understanding.

PatatHome01

Thank you to everyone who responded to my question! The past couple of days have been a little trying w/mom, but we got through them. We had a nice long talk, and even though I felt insane guilt the entire time I was explaining how I felt, I kept on going until I was finished. She has backed off somewhat, but at the same time her health took a turn for the worse -- she has terrible swelling in feet and ankles which I believe is caused in part by the cancer that has invaded her liver. She met with hospice dr today, and I believe she will be going that route soon. Some days she is really good, and makes I liar out of me after I calll close relatives to tell them to visit in case this is it. When they visit, she looks pretty good and is in good spirits and I'm sure they think I'm nuts! But then the next day - the weakness returns, the constipation is back and the pain is there. Some days I feel totally confused by how the illness affects her body. I didn't see her today, but called twice instead and that seemed to keep her happy. I actually got a haircut after work!! Doesn't sound like much, but its a giant leap forward for me! Thank you all again for your support and kind words. It really takes away some of the feelings of isolation and loneliness that we feel as we walk down this road and sometimes feel like we are the only ones on it. Thank you again!
HUGS!!!

Ok folks -- latest update on the mother front. Yesteray I spent an entire day doing for her from before work in the morning, during my lunch hour doing her banking, and then had an appt after work with a financial guy and an attorney to sort through her financial mess. She knew I had the 4:30 appt, and had to be there on time. She called me at work at 3:30 telling me I "needed" to get her a box of Depends. She then said, "bring them here before you go to your appt. I need them right away". I know for a fact that hospice will be bringing up more today, but she needed them yesterday PERIOD. I reminded her of the appt and said I'd come after, and she started the whine routine. So like a total dolt, I ran out of work, to the store, picked them up, drove 6 miles out of my way, dropped them off then sped to the appt and of course was very late. When I dropped them off I blew up at her! I know I shouldn't have but I did. Of course she looked at me like I was insane and started crying "why are you mad at me".... I've totally had it. I am beyond myself right now. All the progress I thought we made is totally gone. I feel like I'm back to square one and I know its all my fault. I should have had a backbone and said no -- I'll come after. Why do I continue to let this woman rule my life?? I feel like a total failure at this.

Hi exhausted ((((((((hugs))))))). and I understand. I am going to repeat something I wrote before which is that there is probably no benefit in trying to "talk over" these things and arrive at a solution with someone with your mum's personality. If fact, by doing so you alert her to changes you want to make, and she will be even more prepared to play games. Let us just call this a temporary setback - not a failure. Goodness, no. We all have them. It is not easy to break the patterns of a lifetime. Have you seen the website daughtersofnarcissisticmothers? Just google that phrase and learn about narcissism. I found it helped to validate my feelings and experience, and gave me ideas of how to deal with my situation. Don't think it is easy to deal with. It may be simple, but not easy, as at the same time we are dealing with ourselves and a lifetime of "training" to be the servant child. You are not back at square on, because you do see what happened and that your mum was playing the "me first" game, and that you fell for it. They are completely ruthless when it comes to other peoples time and energy. Why do you continue to let this woman rule your life? I think, at least in part, because you have been trained, and also through FOG - fear, obligation and guilt, to do so. Getting past that means dealing with the FEAR of displeasing her, of her anger, the sense of OBLIGATION - narcissists have a sense of entitlement that others should put them first, that they should get preferential treatment, and have no awareness, it seems, that they have unrealistic expectations of other, and then the GUILT. You have had "guilt buttons" planted in you from birth. Although you are doing absolutely nothing that would cause any normal person to see you of guilty of anything, except, perhaps, not looking after yourself enough, your mum will try to instill guilt in you if you are not at her every beck and call. It might help if you were to think about why you did not say "No" -the thoughts and feelings that come up when you consider saying "No". Some of it is habit, I think, but also fear, obligation and guilt, All of these can be overcome, but it does take some work and determination on your part - and I am sure you will be successful. ;) I am so glad you ahve come nack and shared. Let us be your cheerleaders along the way to a heathier life. Without the support of girlfriends and a few male friends, I would have been much worse off. more (((((hugs))))))

Emjo --
FOG --- this is my new mantra -- I'll keep playing this over in my head through every conversation with my mom from now on. This is the hardest thing I've ever encountered in my life. I love her and want only the best for her, I kill myself setting services up for her, getting her apartment furnished with her things, running errands, drs visits, shopping, finances, bills, taxes, etc, but still -- she needs more. Even after a 2 hour meeting w/hospice where they tell her all she has to do is call them -- still its me that she calls. I can't help feeling like a witch when I lose my temper, but it just gets to be too much sometimes. I haven't called her or heard from her since storming out of her apt yesterday. We'll see what today brings. Thak you for your wonderful response. I've already re-read it about 6 times!

Those of us who have self-centered parents often grow up, and teach ourselves to NOT be like that. To be more generous with time, resources, attention. Then, when the parent demands more and more, we are surprised that our giving is never enough to satisfy them. We are just the yang to their yin. They are reflexively self-centered; we get reflexively giving until we feel too burned out to give more. Learning to live with the consequences of being called out on our worst fear -- "You aren't being nice enough to me!" -- is the only way through. To recognize that it isn't true. And that all the "nice" in the world wouldn't fill the holes in their hearts anyway.
That's when our healing can begin.

Exhausted, I'm sorry about your mom dying of cancer. I, myself know first hand about that since my own mom died in 2011 of cancer. Since my attention span is that of a gnat these days, I didn't read all the other comments on your post. Not knowing about liver cancer and the longevity of a person with it, how long is your mom expected to live? The dilemma I see is, the fact that on one hand she's dying and you want to help her, and other hand she's made her decision to NOT be sociable and has kinda brought this neediness on herself. At some point you're going to have to decide for yourself how to react to her demands. It might be as simple as determining which demands are 'logical' and which ones are 'hysterics' and weed them out that way. I don't know whether you have a Costco where you live, but getting her a giant box of Depends would at least thwart that particular problem. Sorry about your mom though, I still reach for the phone to call mine, and have to stop myself. :(

You guys are so darned nice!! Thank you so much for your responses, you don't know how much they mean to me.
Jane, you are totally correct -- my mother has always been this way. Don't get me wrong, she can be loving and very generous and normally was while I was growing up, but in the same breath was very judgemental, condescending and ridgid, laying down the law and making us kids tow the line. It was always her way or the highway and we knew it. My being the oldest, I got the brunt of it. My younger brother is the golden boy -- always was -- he seriously can do no wrong. And since he is now out-of-state, he seriously doesn't do that much for mom, cause he can't (conveniently). After thinking about it, I think my new strategy will be to let my phone ring and if I see its her, just let it go to voice mail. Then listen to the message and decide if its worth a call back or an ignore.

Nancy H, from what the dr. estimates my mom has less than 6 months to live, but I think she will prove them wrong. Although she is very weak and feeble now, she has such a strong will and I know she has not made peace with the prognosis. She doesn't want any special measures to keep her alive, but still doesn't want to give in to death. I think we will have a long road ahead of us. Unfortunately, her health is steadily going downhill, as she is not being treated for the cancer, by her choice.
Again, thank you all - you're a godsend.

This is such a great forum. It's helpful to see that a lot of us have the same problem with our elderly parents. It sometimes makes me wonder if anyone gets through childhood without disfunction! My dad upsets me so much sometimes that I find myself thinking I'm glad I never had children because I will never disappoint them or make their lives uncomfortable. Of course, it's also scary to think there won't be anyone there to help me or my husband in old age. It's really a crap shoot, isn't it.

I read things about other people's parents that honestly make my dad look like a great deal. And he is a nice person, BUT he is also very self centered, willing to step on my toes and make my marriage hell, and then totally unwilling to listen to me when I try to talk to him. He wasn't around very much when I was growing up (traveling salesman), but he has been very generous in many ways. So, when I would like some space and a few days between phone calls or seeing him, I end up feeling guilty. It's hard for me to remember that my husband and I have always paid him back and we have been and always will be there when he truly needs us. But, we have a life too and because I'm not currently working outside the home, he seems to think I should be available at the drop of a hat. He doesn't appreciate my relationship with my husband because, while he loves my mom and is very good to her, they don't have much in common. He doesn't understand that a married couple might actually like hanging out together alone!

Anyway, I guess I'm trying to say (and complain in the process) that I get why it's so difficult to confront a parent who is not treating you the way you deserve.

After my unloading on her on Thursday and knowing I upset her, I spent Friday away from her, thinking it would be best to give her some space and Lord knows I need it. Today I stopped in to get her laundry and she seemed to be doing much better, healthwise. She was also happy to see me -- like it never happened. Went up w/my husband and had a nice short visit. This whole thing is like a see-saw...one day up, one day down. I've just started taking an herbal supplement that is supposed to help calm nervousness and give a general sense of well-being --- we'll see. Seeing my doctor next week to see if she can prescribe something for me a bit stronger. I know things will get worse again, before they get better.
Their Daughter, I'm sure your dad is a great person. My mom is a nice person. I think most people are generally nice to the outside world. But when the family dynamic is involved, these same people can sometimes become almost unrecognizable. I think its definitely a parent-child thing -- they will always be the parents, we will ALWAYS be the children. My heart breaks daily for my mother. She is so small and phyically weak, but when I look inside, I still see the mother that was so ridget and judemental all of my life. It pains me to know that she pushed so many people away over the years -- people who wanted to be her friends -- for no other reason than that she didn't feel she needed them in her life -- didn't want to spend the time or the effort. Criticizing people came so easily for her. The only good that came from it is that I have tried so hard over the years to NOT be like this with my child.

As a teenager I was so shy, and had a hard time making close friends, because I just wasn't sure how. She didn't want our friends to come and visit, or spend time in our home because she didn't want the bother. She didn't trust anyone - including her kids, and sometimes accused us of doing things we never had even thought of doing. She had to be "in control" at all times. It was such a sad time. As an adult, this has stayed with me. I have just a few close friends, and am fairly shy. In the past there were times when I was taken advantage of and was a bit of a doormat because of the way I grew up. I'm trying to get over this after all these years, and I think I have to an extent. My husband often tells me I'm a "pistol" because I'll say exactly what I think -- sometimes not such a good idea lol..
I think some of the demons of our childhood stay with us forever. But they are our parents, and they are our history, and we have to love them for that reason alone. I know she loves me very much, I know she has her faults and I have mine. I'll do whatever I can for as long as necessary to make her final days as easy as possible. You are totally on spot -- confronting them is so damn hard, and it never really seems to turn out the way you were anticipating it would anyway! Stay strong! ;))

((((exhausted)))) try switching your thoughts to staying away firstly because you needed the break - thinking of you as well as of her. It is like waitng for the other shoe to drop perpetually, and a good technique for keeping us hanging on their every word. Crises happpen and nothing is mentioned or acknowledged or dealt with. I so relate to your statement that criticizing people came easily to her. I don't confront verbally any more as it does not seem to change anything, but what I do is place boundaries - like not answering phone calls till I have screened them, not being at her beck and call but assessing for myself whether she, for example, NEEDs the depends or is just jerking my chain and wanting to be the center of attention. By getting you mad enough to fly off at her, in her eyes she has won., . A narcissistic person will jerk your chain as much as you allow it. You cannot talk them out of it, You have to establish your own boundaries, and usually need the support of others to do that successfully. Looks kike your husband is supportive, which is great. Do find sites online about narsissistic mothers and learn how their minds work. Understanding helps so much. I will help my mother too, but I will not be her servant, and I will have a life of my own. Happy Mother's Day to you (((((hugs))))) Joan