My 84 year-old mother is 4 miles from my home in an AL facility that is beyond lovely. She won't make friends, won't interact if she doesn't have to, and views everyone else around her as "old". She is suffering from terminal cancer, but on good days is fairly mobile (walker) and self-sufficient to an extent. She is also very self-involved, and expects to be waited on and entertained...BY ME. She expects me to bring her to "visit" every weekend, even though I visit her and do for her nearly daily (I also work full-time). I do all finances, medical, shopping, laundry, etc., etc. I'm pooped! I want a life too!
Do come back and let me (us) know how you are doing. It isn't easy to set and maintain boundaries, but it is so important for your health. There are times I wonder how any of us have survived this kind of upbringing, and remained caring, loving people, but we have, though not without scars. (((((((hugs)))))))
Which kind of poster are you? Is it enough that we understand how much you are sacrificing and applaud you for it? Then please hear my applause loud and clear. You are doing wonderful things and you are a dutiful, loving daughter. Sincerely, I compliment you and sympathize with your situation.
Or do you really intend to make some changes? If so, I'd love to hear how it goes when you scale back your weekend sleep-overs or when you cut back on your dailing visits or when you think up and act on other ways to take back some of your own life.
Either way, I'm on your side. Best of wishes to you, whatever you decide to do!
Here's another hug for yuo!
Thank you for your quick and caring response. You are completely right -- no one will do this for me. Instead of an onslaught, I think her reaction will be to recoil in disbelief that I could for one instant think that I should be so self-centered as to want even a small part of my "old" life back. She tells me that she understands that she is taking up all of my time and is driving me crazy, but in the next breath continues to do it. She won't make a decision on her own about her own care, regardless of how trivial the decision is... she will instead call me up to four times a day in the middle of my work day. The voice on the other end is always a soft whine.... when I know full well she can speak clearly and strongly any other time. The manipulation is endless, and on those rare times when I simply can't respond the way she wants or expects, all of a sudden that voice changes instantly into the strong, unyielding voice I've come to know over the years. And yet with all this said, whenever I do say "no" to something, I feel the guilt. Actually I feel the guilt regardless of what I do -- no matter if I've given her a day filled with exactly what she wants and expects...I still feel guilt at the end of the day. I think the guilt is in knowing that while I do everything within my power to give her a good life, I am resentful of feeling like I have no other option. I hope that doesn't sound too terribly callous. I love her, but I'm having alot of trouble liking her recently. Thank you again for your hug...here's one back at you!
I might try a slight tweak to the wording. "I love you very much, and I regret that I cannot be your sole social outlet. I need to have some space, and I need to have a life of my own, as well as a life as your daughter." That wording makes it clearer that you are not asking for her permission and that this is not negotiable. Making it sound like a request (please give me) may sound "nicer" but it is kinder, I think, to be more direct. I love you, and I also need my own life. This is not an either/or ... it is a both/and situation.
Saying it isn't enough, of course. Do it. Cut back on the number of weekend visits to twice a month or once a month. Maybe add in a Sunday dinner or two, sometimes at your house and sometimes at a restaurant.
Does the AL offer a laundry service? Could any of the tasks you do be hired out? Can you simplify some of the others? Working full time and taking on so many additional tasks for someone else is hard!
What is your mother's prognosis? She has terminal cancer. Obviously no one can know for sure, but do her doctors feel she may have several years ahead of her, or is it more likely to end within the year? I think this might influence your decisions somewhat.
Are there other relatives or close friends who could do some of the daily visiting? Could you gently nudge them in that direction? "Gladys, Mom loves daily visitors but I'm not going to be able to see her next Wednesday. Is there any chance you could stop in and play some cards with her?" Do NOT expect others to jump in and help on their own, but many are happy to once they know what they can do.
Could some of your daily visits be by phone?
Experiment and see whether it works better to have shortened visits daily, or longer visits less often.
You work to support yourself. You work to keep your mother's finances and health in good shape. You work to maintain your own household. If you don't also have a life, what on earth do you and your mother talk about 7 days a week? If you have a life of your own, you will have more interesting things to share with your mother. You can tell her how dumb you feel trying to learn to play bridge and ask her about things she's tried that made her feel dumb. You can give her a blow-by-blow commentary on your gardening efforts, and then show her your garden when she visits a couple times a month. You can tell her about the book you are reading and maybe even offer to share it if she still reads.
You must love your mother very much to sacrifice so much for her. Make sure that she knows how much you love her even as you make changes to also have a life of your own.
Good luck ... and let us know how things progress.