She has Alzheimer's and dementia and find that it's best not to give her too much information in advance as she either becomes very anxious or forgets (or both!). I want her to understand that I want what is best for her and that I am not abandoning her.
Good for you being able to keep your mom at home but don't heap guilt on any of us. Your comment affects more than just Wendy.
Wendy, I agree with the other posters that said to wait. If you were to tell her she would just get upset and then forget why she is upset. Be nice to yourself. This is a hard decision.
Posts like yours, luvmom, make my heart ache and make me question whether I'm a crappy person whether I could make an unworkable situation, workable? Nah! My mom lived with us long enough to know it wouldn't work. I love her dearly but daily screaming matches didn't add to our quality of life, her or ours.
My mother gives me enough guilt, that I don't need it from individuals on this board. Good for you that it works in your situation. Each is unique so I wouldn't be so quick to make such blanket evaluations.
To the sweet OP who is wrestling with this question, I honestly don't know what to tell you. My mom is 99% there mentally. My mother-in-law, not so much when she went to a nursing home with Lewy Body Dementia. I would not tell her until she arrives there. If she has Sundowners she'll awake to a new day.
This caregiver stuff is hard, even if your loved one is in AL. The love and caring doesn't stop at the door to the facility. And as far as they don't "love" people there, I've met my mom's caregivers and they are wonderful and she agrees. Sure, they're not your own family, but I'm there every other day, and mom knows who's going out on a date the coming weekend and all the latest gossip.
I am SO thankful that my mom is able to afford this facility. My dad was a teacher and my mom a stay at home mom my whole life. They socked money away forever for this eventuality. We were never rich, they just planned ahead. I have no guilt. My dad died last Christmas. His ultimate gift to me is AL for my mom, and sanity for me. He didn't mince words. That was HIS plan. He knew my mother!
your startin to be a pain, its messin with my brain.
crappin in the chairs , and fallin down the stairs.
im just kidding wendy. its prob'ly not possible for everyone to fulltime caregive because of career and other complications. i know i lost a fortune in wages over the last 6 years. maybe you could get a facility to let your mom come in for daycare for a few weeks to see if she takes a shine to the place. set up her room and everything on the pretense that she just spends her days there. the transition would be easy to just let her stay there one night cause the weathers bad outside or something. just trying to be helpful, must be a heart wrenching situation for all involved.
Then I had a frank discussion with Mom (who does not have Alz. Your situation is quite different) and pointed out that she was starting to need more care than any one person could give her. I feel that getting any kind of "buy in" really helps and it is respectful. I felt like "springing" it on her would not be a good idea. I also had other people look at the two or three facilities I had chosen and give me feedback. The next thing I did was to make a long list of questions that were tailored to Mom's special needs and asked the same questions of each facility. I made columns and wrote down the answers. It really helped me in comparing them. (cost is just one consideration...it is more about quality of care) Then, I visited and spoke with the director whom I really liked. She seemed genuine and caring. We ended up all agreeing on the same place.
Her place is an apartment with a lovely view. I arranged for additional care because it is not provided in her wing. You may need an advanced memory care unit.
The last thing is that, when you have chosen a place, get everything in writing. Everyone will promise you the moon, but having it in writing gives you clout when the small things go awry.
Also, I am not a fan of those places where you have to put down a substantial deposit, buy your room, or get locked into a long-term lease. Mom's is month-to-month.
As far as telling your Mom, I think sharing information with her in increments is a good plan. Perhaps show her the brochures, take her on a visit, and asking the director to invite a few residents to lunch for her to meet might help with the transition.
Luvmom's advice about home care may be a good interim solution for you. It gives your Mom an opportunity to interact with other, non-family caregivers and get used to it. It gives you respite and a chance to see how she would do in that environment. I did that for a few years and it worked until it became apparent that Mom needed more medical care and I did not feel that I had the expertise. It is scary if you do not have the medical skills or background that the professionals do.
Good luck...there is no such thing as a "perfect fit." Follow your heart...it never steers your wrong. I can tell that you love your Mom and want what is best for her needs.
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