I have just placed my 93 year old mother in a nursing home, where they have specific care for dementia. I have been caring for her myself, but she tried to run away. Now she is in the home, and wants to go "home", but thinks home is where she lived as a child. I'm unable to console or soothe her, and it is breaking my heart. Any ideas?
Reikibev
I do not know if I will be able to follow this advice myself when the time comes that home care is not manageable, but it is something I need to know may make the transition easier.
You are making the most common mistake made by family members when faced with Dementia Care issues. You are assuming your mom is functioning normally and just being stubborn or trying to get attention. Imagine this scenario. You are in a foreign country when you take sick. Authorities shuffle you off to a facility that is both strange and frightening. No one speaks your language and when you try to get help they place you in confinement until you learn to be more cooperative. Moreover, when your family tries to see you they are told that everything is under control and their visit would only upset you. "Wait until she gets used to OUR way of doing things, then you will be able to see her." Of course the bill for this treatment is already in the mail.
PLEASE RECONSIDER YOUR RECOMMENDATIONS AND READ UP ON DEMENTIA AND ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE.
I think I'm going to try going in alone, and just hugging her, and see how she reacts. She may hit me with her cane, but we'll see.
Thank you so much for your comments.
Reikibev
The decision to place a parent in a Nursing Home is always emotionally difficult for both the parent and the family members. When there are also dementia issues it is even more difficult for the parent. The nature of dementia and Alzheimer's disease is so different from any other geriatric problem that we are just beginning to understand it. During most of the 20th century, people died before they experienced dementia and the few who did suffer from it were usually cared for by family members. It was not uncommon for a married daughter or son to move their family into mom's home and care for her through the end. This worked out for both the parent and the extended family since mom stayed in familiar surroundings that helped her cope with the loss of short term memory(dementia is NOT mental illness) and the family managed to retain her estate. Today, the extended family is constrained by economics. Mom is living in an area that does not have the jobs her sons or daughters need to support themselves and raise their own children. So mom is forced to live "independently" and family visits as often as the faltering economy will allow. Unexpectedly, mom gets ill and becomes dependent. Her children are all far away and are barely making ends meet themselves. She does not want to burden them so she hides her health problems from them as long as possible. Then the family is forced to make a terrible decision: place mom in a nursing facility and pledge her entire estate as payment or force her to move in with a selected family member. So you are not alone in this experience. You have come to the right place for advice and support. Most of us have been there and done that but you are always free to take what support you need from us and leave the rest.
We visited with her between meal times from the first day she entered the facility. For her first meal, we walked with her to the dining room and then to her assigned table and introduced our mom and ourselves to the people already at the table. The dining room staff and other staff members got to know us right away. (Of course the office staff had met us earlier). We continued to visit with Mom very regularily and took her for walks around the facility - she was afraid of getting lost on her own. We got her mail for her, took her to meet with others for coffee in the dining room and in general just made sure she didn't feel that she has been deserted.
A fear she expressed to us previously was that once she was in a facility, we would forget her. My sisters and I just looked at each other in amazement when she said that. WHY such a thought would EVER have entered her head was beyond us all - my sisters and I have practically fallen over backwards in trying to meet her needs all her life and she has NEVER been neglected or forgotten by any of us!!! Perhaps this was a fear going back to childhood days when my mom might have feared being neglected and alone? Perhaps this fear if just part of growing old? Perhaps it is part of dementia? All I know is that my mom would have felt totally deserted if we had not visited her for a month. I suppose if our visits had upset her terribly, we would have had to reconsider but I don't think even then, we could have left her alone for a month. She would have felt desolate, neglected and totally unloved. Who wouldn't???
So true, hapfra. Care situations, though similar, are never alike for two people. Lots of ways to approach a single matter.
Good luck and don't stop visiting her, but make them short visits instead of loooong ones, until you think she's a little adjusted, and it will happen sooner than you think.
To all of you, thank you so much for all your responses. It is so nice to have this site and not feel so terribly alone. My friends do not understand at all what I'm going through. In addition, my sister committed suicide a year and a half ago, and I think my mom slid into dementia then because she couldn't deal with it. So I have to make this journey alone. But not alone. Because all of you know how it is.
Thank you so much.
Reikibev
I am sorry that at least ONE of your friends does not care to try to understand what you are going through but since none do, please keep all of us in this community in mind and let us know from time to time how things are going. You are carrying a very heavy burden and I'm sure, have been, ever since (even before?) your sister committed suicide. My heart goes out to you. I hope you and your mom can cry together about how life has gone, hug each other often, and continue to feel love for each other. You and your mom are both going down the "dementia highway" but each in a different way. It is a new road for both of you and not easy for either of you. Know that neither of you are alone. May you feel protected. Much love, lcs
Happy Holidays,
Bill
Reikibev
That all being said, before placing a loved one in skilled care you must do your homework and find a place that you can trust.
If you trust that facility, you must allow them to take over care of your loved one. I am not saying not to visit, not to care, but allow the transition to happen. There is not one "best way" for all dementia patients to transition to a new environment, but if you've done your homework and trust the facility, allow them to attempt to make all concerned lives a easier.