I have just placed my 93 year old mother in a nursing home, where they have specific care for dementia. I have been caring for her myself, but she tried to run away. Now she is in the home, and wants to go "home", but thinks home is where she lived as a child. I'm unable to console or soothe her, and it is breaking my heart. Any ideas?
The decision to place a parent in a Nursing Home is always emotionally difficult for both the parent and the family members. When there are also dementia issues it is even more difficult for the parent. The nature of dementia and Alzheimer's disease is so different from any other geriatric problem that we are just beginning to understand it. During most of the 20th century, people died before they experienced dementia and the few who did suffer from it were usually cared for by family members. It was not uncommon for a married daughter or son to move their family into mom's home and care for her through the end. This worked out for both the parent and the extended family since mom stayed in familiar surroundings that helped her cope with the loss of short term memory(dementia is NOT mental illness) and the family managed to retain her estate. Today, the extended family is constrained by economics. Mom is living in an area that does not have the jobs her sons or daughters need to support themselves and raise their own children. So mom is forced to live "independently" and family visits as often as the faltering economy will allow. Unexpectedly, mom gets ill and becomes dependent. Her children are all far away and are barely making ends meet themselves. She does not want to burden them so she hides her health problems from them as long as possible. Then the family is forced to make a terrible decision: place mom in a nursing facility and pledge her entire estate as payment or force her to move in with a selected family member. So you are not alone in this experience. You have come to the right place for advice and support. Most of us have been there and done that but you are always free to take what support you need from us and leave the rest.
I think I'm going to try going in alone, and just hugging her, and see how she reacts. She may hit me with her cane, but we'll see.
Thank you so much for your comments.
Reikibev
You are making the most common mistake made by family members when faced with Dementia Care issues. You are assuming your mom is functioning normally and just being stubborn or trying to get attention. Imagine this scenario. You are in a foreign country when you take sick. Authorities shuffle you off to a facility that is both strange and frightening. No one speaks your language and when you try to get help they place you in confinement until you learn to be more cooperative. Moreover, when your family tries to see you they are told that everything is under control and their visit would only upset you. "Wait until she gets used to OUR way of doing things, then you will be able to see her." Of course the bill for this treatment is already in the mail.
PLEASE RECONSIDER YOUR RECOMMENDATIONS AND READ UP ON DEMENTIA AND ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE.
I do not know if I will be able to follow this advice myself when the time comes that home care is not manageable, but it is something I need to know may make the transition easier.
Reikibev