My aunt is not in touch with her mother, should I tell my aunt about her mother’s deteriorating health?
7years ago my Grandmother was diagnosed with Diabetes and did not have it completely under control and her blood sugar got so low that she had delusions and tried to kill herself twice. Actually shooting herself the first time and the next slitting her wrists. Her daughter and son (my Aunt and Uncle) had a huge fight with her and thought she was making everything up. She does have control over her diabetes now. Then two years later she realized that neither one fo them would take care of her and asked if myself and my husband would share a house and pay me to take care of her. We agreed. My uncle and aunt saw this as the last straw and decided they would not have anything to do with her anymore. (All three of us still do not know what caused them to stop speaking to her). My mother(who lives in another state can not afford to help as much as she would like. My Grandmother does not want anything to do with her son. But misses my Aunt dearly. She is distraught over what has happened because they were very close for a long time. She has made two attempts to contact her but my Aunt has not replied to either of those attempts. Recently my Grandmother went to the hospital and came home worse then when she went it. She no longer can walk without a walker, can not take a shower on her own or make any meals for herself. We can afford a CNA to come 5 days a week. And, I do not care if m Aunt helps out with her or not. I was wondering if I should contact my Aunt and see if she can see reason when it comes to at leasting visitng my Grandmother (her mother). It pains me to see my Grandmother miss her daughter. She lays awake and night trying to figure out what she did wrong for her daughter to hate her so much. This treatment of her has dripped down into my cousins (who all live within a 30 minute drive of our house). My Aunt and Uncle both live with in 10 mintues. And, NONE OF THEM COME TO SEE HER, or even call her. what should i do???
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She is so fortunate to have you.
I agree that contacting the family in a straightforward, but not confrontational manner like a family newsletter, just stating how Grandma is doing physically and mentally, that she is pained by the estrangement, and that it would be wonderful to get together while she can still do that, is a good idea.
E-mail will work if you have all the e-mail addresses, otherwise send it out by snail mail. Those who don't respond are mired in some kind of resentment that is their own load to bear. No one will change them - so don't blame yourself for not doing enough. Maybe some of them will soften is they finally "get it" that Grandma won't be around forever. I hope so for their sakes as much as your grandmother's. And yours. Take care,
You are doing all you can.
Carol
I would try to reach out on your grandmother's behalf one more time. Explain to them in the most charitable terms that your grandmother really misses them and that a visit or call from them would be the best gift they could give her. Give them an email where they can contact you. Also, why is your mother not assisting more and talking to her sibs? Really, it is THEIR mother not yours. She may have more "clout" with them.
I have seen this in my family. One family member steps up to the plate and the others allow real or imaginary issues to bubble up just so they do not have to deal with the responsibility.
At the end of the day, you will know that you gave it one more try. If they do not respond, I would not push the issue. Maybe having you "plant the seed" will give them time to reflect and forgive.
Geezzzz, one thing I have learned as a caregiver is that time is oh so short.
but dont push her to see the lady, just simply ask her 'do you want me to let you know how shes doing in the future or no?' if she says no, then let her go.if she says yes, thats promising, it means she does still care, but dont try to push them together. you'll only bust them apart further and maybe get bad feelings turned on you..
good luck
You run the risk of being blamed for not letting them know how severe her condition is and if/when she passes being made the heavy in all this.
I think it is particularily important that ANY communication that takes place should be factual, level headed and not accusitory, judgemental or laced with bias. The idea, is to simply get these adult kids back together with their mother on some level - at least the daughter. Maybe your mom could make one trip and the two sister go visit her together. I'm guessing your aunt is a little nervous after all this time. She may be experiencing some guilt, especially if she was close with her mother. You and your mom could make that transition a lot easier. Does your grandmother send her cards for her birthday? Maybe your grandmother can just send her a "I Miss You" card to start easing the way. It sounds simple and corny, but it costs so little and could make a big difference.
I wish you the best of luck and will keep you and your family in my prayers.
ALSO, tell your grandmother they are really busy working trying to pay off their mortgage and their vehicle and taking the kids to school. She will understand. DO NOT try to make unreasonable excuses to cause her alarm that "they dont care". You must GAIN her trust so you can further experience the gratification of being her Power of Attorney or her Authorized Representative of her check. ... good luck.
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