I have been caring for my FIL who has Alzheimers for 6 months now 5 days a week/10 hours a day. It is now summer time and I am needed in the field with my husband. Two of the daughters want me to say they can schedule me for 2 days a week. They are elementary school teachers and are off for the summer. It really isn't realistic for them to expect that of me, as on a farm there is no schedule. You work every day and long hours. I have found a memory care facility not far away and mentioned it to the daughters and they just say they will look at it and gather info. which I have already told info on the facility. The oldest daughter said there is no plan to move him anywhere at this point. There are only 2 openings left so they need to at least get him on the list. I truly believe this facility would be so beneficial to my FIL as they have activities and outings they do daily. I feel I have gone above and beyond for my husband's family/FIL and I want to get my life back. I'm a RN and would like to get back to my career. My husband is in agreement with me but two of the daughters keep at me wondering when I will help take care of the their dad. The youngest daughter is agreeable to my FIL being placed in this memory care facility. What and how do I say I'm done without causing hard feelings and them being angry with me or is that just inevitable? I know this is lengthy but I am between a rock and a hard place! HELP!
Those who haven't been in our shoes just have no idea of what goes into caretaking. Those daughters have no idea how hard you have worked, how much you have sacrificed and how guilty you are feeling about stepping back. But once they spend a week or two doing the caregiving, their eyes will be opened and suddenly a couple of things will happen 1. They might thank you for your months of work and 2. They might make an effort to get him settled into a good facility.
Your hard work has made it easy for them to ignore the problem, well, really your work solved their problem ;0) It's time for them to "feel" the problem and begin to care about a solution that works for all of you. Good luck, I sure hope you stay strong and step back. Come back here and we will all keep encouraging you to get out in those fields and reclaim your "normal" life -- by golly, you deserve it!
I really like all of the responses because they all seem to be so helpful and really "hit the nail on the head". Your husband and FIL as well as the rest of the family are very fortunate to have you. You have done more than most DIL's probably would have, and you have a right to get back to your own "normal" schedule when you can. If you still would like to pitch in when you are able, go for it, but these daughters seem like they should be ashamed of themselves for not wanting to do more, it's their father. Your husband could talk with them and make some plans to see what they could all agree on concerning his care. There has to be a solution out there that would help everyone, and then all would be happy, but remember that the main concern is their Dad. Good luck with all of this, and God bless you and your whole family.
Good luck.
The sisters just need to step up to the plate for decisions and care and then they will understand better. DO be KIND. Honey catches more flies than vinegar as Mom used to say!! When left to do this themselves, they will work it out.
My Prayers are with you and yours. You are trying to the right thing by Everyone and that is wonderful and also hard. I am also a farm wife and I know exactly what you are talking about for time. Each day has its own twists and turns and changes!! God Bless You!
There are already hard feelings - yours so go for it.
You've done more than your fair share and since you're a nurse, I'm sure they think you're super qualified. That's their easy way of getting out of handling the responsibility. So step back and let your FIL's children work it out amongst themselves.
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You're going to have to be assertive and firm. You've no doubt been doing this more than you'd like already. It's someone else's turn.
So actually, by way of a corollary, what you would ideally accomplish is not saying you're done without *causing* hard feelings, so much as making it crystal clear that you have done more than your fair share already without losing your temper and ripping somebody's head off.
I'm fuming for you! You may have gathered…
What you say is this. Dear sweet sisters (or whatever you call them when you're not livid with them), I have had the privilege of caring for *your* father for six months now, and that is me done. The demands of the farm, combined with my need to attend to my career in order to protect both my and your brother's future, alas prevent me from playing any further direct part in caregiving. However; since you are both on leave from your equally demanding careers, this seems the ideal opportunity for you to research and decide on the best place for your father to enjoy continuity of care, excellent facilities and the professional expertise he will need going forward - and I will be happy to support you in making that crucial choice. Love and kisses (or however you sign off when you're not livid etc.)…
And internally you may like to add "so put that in your pipe and smoke it."