Follow
Share

Her daughter has been fighting lymphoma & acutely ill past 6months. She and family left for NM over 35+ years and lived well with trips home to visit regularly. Mom has been longing to see her daughter and the visit didn't happen 2016. She spoke with her last week.. Her daughter was close to her heart but too far away. Mom knows of her illness but forgets and we do keep telling her how serious and that her recovery is not going to happen. Just yesterday I told her that all was not good and Carolyn wasn't eating .My husband is Carolyn's sister and we are heartbroken. We live across the way from mom and we are her caregiveers and only family here at home. What to say what to do . Need some input . God give us all strength.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

27 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
megrn1: I'm so sorry for your very tough day, but I believe you did the right thing.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Well just wanted all to know my husband and I went over moms within 2 hours of Carolyn's death and told her. She, we thought would be angry if we did not tell her right away. It was very sad and we all are to this day mourning . We kept her updated daily on all arrangements and her husband provided us with her last picture that we had printed and framed for her. She has her own shrine and prays for her soul daily. The hardest part is not having closure as she is cremated and won't be brought back until spring. She fought hard with the thought of her child being burned. Mom asked many questions and most repeated and repeated. We told her we thought about not telling her and the look we got could kill in itself. We are so glad we told her and I think anyone with any mind left MUST be told. Grieving is a part of life whether it be timely or not. We are now enjoying sharing memories and stories and even laughing. Not a day goes by we don't talk about Carolyn and tears flow but she knows it just isn't her time and Carolyn is standing beside her dad in glory.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Megrn1 Your Mom is 96 years Bless Her. I would not shock and sadden Your Mom by telling Her that Her Daughter has died, as it would break Her Heart. Better to speak of Your Sister to Your Mom as though She were still alive.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
She has and deserves the right to know that the daughter has deceased! What happens if somehow she finds out later?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
See if she asks you specifically about her daughter's illness or just about her daughter. I have no problem brushing off the illness with, "Karen is so much better now! She's finally shaken that illness, and she's moved on!" I'm a believer in a heavenly afterlife, and I do believe our departed loved ones have moved on. If she asks when Karen is coming to visit, you can say that she's tied up visiting relatives, but when it's her turn, Karen will come visit her too. I don't want to rock my Alz mthr's boat - when she talks about dead folks like they are alive, in my book they are alive too.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Another personal experience. My dear aunt (Mom's SIL) had no short term memory at all. She'd lose track of her thought between the beginning of her sentence and the end. My mother and I and my cousin visited this aunt. She was happy to see us and knew exactly who we were. We chatted away and all of sudden she said, "why didn't Roy (my father) come today?"

Her daughter said, "Mom, Roy died about 7 years ago." This upset Aunt terribly. "Oh no, oh, I am so sorry! Oh! Why didn't anyone tell me? Why didn't I go to the funeral?" and on and on in grief. Her daughter tried to tell her that she had gone to the funeral, etc. Then we went on chatting and in a couple of minutes Aunt asked, "Where is Roy today?" and we went through the entire cycle again. We probably had six of these incidents that day.

Knowing what I know now, I certainly wished we had merely said, "He couldn't come this time." We would have had to repeat that six times, but at least Aunt would have been spared the misery of thinking of her BIL's death.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
My husband was in the hospital after a head injury. He was confused and had little short-term memory. One day I stopped into the hospital psychiatrist's office. I told him the child of our friends died suddenly. If Coy asked why I was so dressed up, should I tell him I was going to a funeral, and whose?

The doctor said, if this is someone Coy is apt to ask about, or he expects to see while he is here, tell him, but only tell him once. That kind of bad news repeated and repeated is not good to have rattling around the damaged brain.

But if there is no reason for him to notice these people are not around, then I would not tell him at all, unless he recovers to a point that he can understand the message and remember it.

I did not tell him.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
We just went through this with the sudden passing of my brother. His kids told my mother and she was heartbroken, but the next day she had forgotten and hasn't mentioned it since. I suppose every situation is different, but we all felt it was right to tell her whether she remembered or not.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
My mother died with dementia in 2014 and I always knew the day would come that she would ask about my Dad or her sister or mother and it did. I did not know how she would take it, she cried softly then moved on to ask about her sister and her mother. She did not know why she could not remember such a horrible fact. Oddly she did not seem to dwell on it for long which was good as far as I was concerned. She did not keep asking either which I was grateful for. So my advice would be to either say nothing until she asks or go to her and talk to her about how ill her daughter was and then let her know that she has passed away. Perhaps ask the sisters family for a nice picture of her and maybe a card or something from the funeral that could be framed and set in her home/room.

I think this is always hard on us as well as them because we do not want to upset them or cause hurt to them. Be gentle, be loving, be patient.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Grandma1954 said the same thing I was going to say. Tell her. She may grieve she may not. But don't tell her again. Some people grieve everytime they are told. After the initial time, just tell her daughter is not available. On vacation, not home. They forget in a matter of seconds or minutes. Mom told me Aunt I called. (She has been gone since the 80s). I asked her what Aunt I had to say. I then got the look like I was nuts.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
My Aunt raised my father to a large extent from the time she was nine and he was three years of age. She was 96 when my father passed. She was in a nursing home and had dementia. The family decided not to tell her. She had stopped asking about her brothers so no one said anything. It would have been heart breaking as she felt much like she was his mother. She passed less than a year later.

It depends on the state of her dementia. If you tell her and she grieves consider it done. If she continues asking about her daughter it would be cruel to send her into grief of this kind over and over again.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I recommend a great book called Creating Moments of Joy, by Jolene Brackey. She talks about this issue in a loving and beautiful way.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I am a power of attorney to two people, one of whom is mentally ill in a nursing home. Her husband, who also has mental problems, visits her weekly but I doubt she even realizes he comes. In her case, I do NOT think I will tell her - I am not sure if it would "sink in" but even if it did, I don't want to cause upset or harm to her if she understood. I will instead say he is somewhere or he just did visit you and then change the subject. It would be cruel to do this to her in case she did understand and she will go down even more.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Megrn1
I'm sorry for the loss of your SIL. How is your MIL doing? I see from the answers you've gotten over the past two weeks that there is not agreement on deciding to share deaths with loved ones with dementia. Individual circumstances are so varied. How did your family decide to handle the sad news with your MIL? Did you find the answers helpful? As often happens, your question was one I've dealt with and I'm glad you asked.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
This is a situation where you are going to have to go with gut instinct. MIL may very likely not be put off forever--she should be told, and then see what happens. If she and her daughter were truly very close, she may just sense that she's not here anymore. It's heartbreaking to lose a child--at any age!

Many things we simply don't tell Mother. She has mild dementia, but definitely lives in her own reality. She doesn't know (and never will) that 2 of her grandsons are gay or that her beloved (now deceased son) was in and out of jail much of his adult life. Why make her declining years ones she can't handle?

As far as a death--we did tell her when my brother died, and she did get to the hospital to see him (he was on full life support for 3 days)..but she didn't get to talk to him. Now, it's like it didn't happen. She adored him, but she rarely speaks of him. They were NOT close, so maybe that made it easier.

I wish you luck in this. But you may find she has more strength than you think. AT 96, she is staring down death everyday. It may "help" her to know she has somebody waiting on the other side. Please let us know how this goes--more than one person here has a similar dynamic going on.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
I would not mention anyone's death, or any bad news, to my mom or anyone else with dementia or any kind of moderate cognitive impairment. You just don't know what snippet of information she will remember and dwell on. My mom knows I'm her daughter, and I'm 51, but she often thinks she's still in college or high school. So when she says she wants to call my Dad, who died in 2001, about 7 years before my mom's decline, or her parents who died in the 1980s , I tell her dad is working late, or up in NJ fixing his sister's car, something she can relate to because it was normal at that time. As for her parents, or my deceased brother, I say that they live in Florida, and will be up to visit in the summer, which was also normal for her to hear at one time. She can only live with what her messed up brain gives her, so I want all of her minutes and hours and days to be stress-free, peaceful and happy. She still laughs a lot, even though she is bedridden, and has to be diapered and spoon fed, so I praise God every day for that.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
If still in doubt, I'd go to some of the professional sources who provide guidance on how to handle serious situations with those who have dementia. And you can discuss it with the patients medical doctor.

I think it's important to understand that if the brain's capacity is limited, then expecting them to process grief and the shock of a death in the family, is like expecting a physically disabled person to walk or a deaf person to hear. It's not going to happen.

I think we have to question what we are trying to accomplish by giving them news of a family member's death and whether it's some kind of release we are searching for ourselves or if it's really for the benefit of the dementia patient.

I do wish some of those who go through this personally, would return here and provide an update on what happened. I think that by sharing, we can all learn.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I agree with Sunnygirl, why tell her and have to put her through it again when she forgets
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
My Mother has Alzheimer's too but she does sometimes retain what she is told. When one of my brothers died she was told and she grieved all day and she told everyone at the longterm care center she lives at, the only one that could console her was my Dad. So when we talk about Frank's death she accepts it and doesn't get upset anymore. Some things they do remember! So tell her but be there to hold her hand afterwards!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
If she has any type of dementia please do not tell her over and over that her daughter has died.
You can tell her that she can not talk on the phone now, she is at a doctor appointment, she is sleeping or some other phrase.
To keep telling her that her daughter has died will cause her to feel the death as new each time and she will again be heartbroken.

So once you tell her do not tell her again. This will satisfy your feeling that you must tell her and it will remove heartbreak and sadness by not repeating the news.
You will learn how to redirect her questions, ask her to tell you stories about her daughter and her son when they were young. (You just might learn some interesting facts about your husband.)
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
My mother was too far advanced in dementia for me to tell her that her husband -- my father -- had died a few days earlier. However, it seems as if she sensed it. She ran down the corridor of the hospital she was in, calling his name, but she didn't appear to be looking for him.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
My mom has MCI which has mostly impacted short term memory. I often need to tell her something several times before she remembers it. When her brother and sister died last year, my aunt and I both called and spoke with her at length about each death, arrangements, etc. She was still surprised when she saw the obituary in the newspaper. We attended the funerals and burials. A couple of days after one, she asked me if her sister had died and I confirmed it. She has never asked me again and usually speaks of her siblings as having passed on. My advise would be to tell your MIL about her daughter's death. If she cannot attend the funeral, provide her with the memorial card and some pictures of the events. If she doesn't seem to process and retain the information after a few days, then I would stop. At that point, the MIL not knowing/realizing her daughter is dead is _your_ problem, not hers. My mother lives with me now and although her memory problems are frustrating at times I have come to realize that many of the real problems are mine. Mom wants to load the dishwasher, put dishes away, etc. and she doesn't always do things the way I would like and cannot easily remember some stuff (like how to turn some bowls so they wash clean or which pots are stacked) but I have come to realize that is _my_ problem. I don't try to get Mom to do things my preferred way anymore. I'm thankful she is still able to do so much and I thank her for her help and quietly reload or rearrange stuff when needed. When something (big or small) like this comes up, I ask myself does Mom really _need_ to know this to continue living well and be content? Or do I want her to remember this so I can feel better? I don't hide anything from Mom, but if she doesn't retain it and she doesn't really need to know it, then I just drop it. If she needs to know it, then I write it down so she can remind herself a few times and eventually she remembers it. My challenge is to answer Mom's questions with the same attitude on the 10th time as the 1st and to listen the same stories from her life repeating every couple of days. I cannot solve her memory issues, but I can be there and listen with respect and love.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
I had a similar situation but reversed. My wife has alzheimer's and in Memory Care and her Mom was in the same facility but in assisted Living. Her Mom died a couple of Months ago at age 96. I was able to take my wife to see her Mom as she was slowly fading away but she did not comprehend what was going on. The day she passed I told my wife that her Mom was moving back to her home town to be with her Dad (he died 20 years ago). She just said "Oh". Hospice told me it was probably good that she did not understand and would not have to grieve. It was harder on me as I wanted her to know but I just let go. She does not ask about her Mom. It is a tuff decision as to what you need to do but I would base it on her cognitive ability and if you tell her be prepared for the grieving. My Mother in law kept saying to me that a parent should not out live their child so your Mom may grieve because of that feeling. If my Mother in law had died a year earlier my wife would have understood and I would have said that she passed.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
I agree, it may be best not to mention it. If she keeps forgetting, and you have told her several times. At her age especially. I'm sorry about the situation, hang in there.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
If Mom's cognitive ability is still there and able to process, I would tell her. She will continue to ask and then it becomes a lie. If she 'just' spoke to her last week, she will expect to speak to her again soon. If you decide to tell her, make sure the environment is warm and comforting and both are sitting down. Hold her hands while giving the news and yes, if she has a favorite priest or church member or friend she gets comfort from, invite them and let them know what you are trying to do. All the best to you and so sorry for your loss.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
You say that your mom knew of her daughter's illness, but, forgets and you have to keep reminding her of that fact. I would wonder if the same would be true of her daughter's death. If she is going to keep forgetting and you would have to keep reminding her, to me, that sounds cruel, since she will not be able to process the grief as a person without dementia would. It seems like it would be a terrible heartbreak every time she is reminded.

I think it depends on her mental ability and what she can process. If she's not able to process it, then I don't see how it helps her. Being told, doesn't mean that she would retain the knowledge. It's a personal decision, but, with my LO, I only give her good news. Bad news would upset her and she no longer has the coping skills to console herself. Plus, she would forget it soon after, so there is no point to it.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Even though she may forget, I do believe she has the right to be told. Is mom religious? It may help to have her spiritual leader with you when you break the news to offer comfort and support. I don't think there is any easy way to break such sad news.
And I'm sorry for your loss.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter