Mom wants to move in with me. I need to know how to tell her "no" but in a way that expresses caring and love. You guys have any tips?
I am feeling guilty about Mom's unhappiness with dementia. She wants to move in with me. I know I have made the right decision, both for me and for my husband and kids. I know my Mom is in the safest place for someone with moderate dementia. She's in great shape physically, but pretty much has zero short-term memory. I became her sole caretaker at the end of April 2016, and those of you active in this group may have followed along so far in our journey. We originally had Mom move into the house with us, and she was at my home for six weeks, but I knew within two weeks that I could not handle full-time caregiving while still having teen kids at home and a husband who shouldn't take a back seat to the situation. So despite reassuring myself again and again that I've made a good decision, I can't help but feel tremendous guilt when Mom expresses how unhappy she is. She seems to go in spurts, for several weeks she won't mention anything, and then for about two weeks it's all she talks about. (we happen to be a week into obsession over living with me.) The first problem is that she can't remember that we've talked about it, so we continue to have the same discussion. I'm pretty patient with repeating myself, and I try to come up with diplomatic ways to tell her that she kept wandering, and she was just as unhappy here. I try to re-direct her attention, but I have NEVER BEEN GOOD at thinking on my feet. I try to rehearse dialogue and have phrases at the ready, but more and more, those things don't work. You guys have any words of encouragement, or tips on re-directing, or just advice on how to not feel guilty. Now that I am "in charge" I constantly feel like I have to fix things for Mom, but some things I just can't fix for her. The last time we had a conversation about her living with us, she begged to "try it again" after I explained why it was safer where she was. I need to know how to tell her "No" but in a way that expresses caring and love. You guys have any tips????
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In a relationship that was never loving, it can be a way to try, futilely, to cobble together a caring bond that never existed.
I've also read that guilt may arise from caregivers who are overwhelmed. Not a logical thing, but, as some kind of an emotional misfire of sorts. If it happened to me, I think that I might try to get a handle on it, since feeling guilty when it's not earned seems unnecessarily brutal to your psyche for no reason, imo.
On a couple of precious, sanity-saving occasions I left my mother for a week at a time in respite care. The facility could not have been better. The people were brilliant, not just professional but truly committed to their caring vocation. The place was nice. Her room was nice. She had everything she needed. I could take the week off and have nothing, nothing at all, to be worried about.
But driving away I still felt tearful. I didn't want my mother to need to be in this place that was not home. I didn't like to think of her being among strangers, as she saw it, no matter how much confidence I had in them. I wished it wasn't necessary. So whether you call it guilt or grief or whatever, it still makes you feel terrible.
Dare I say it? - life is unfair.
I might start by remembering how you would answer questions to your children when they get older and are hurt that so much of your daily hours were spent with your mother and not to them. Would you then feel guilty that the kids didn't get what they deserved? I'd think about it, because I know how stressful it can be to be with a person who is constantly repeating, constantly asking the same questions over and over. I would give it much consideration to put that much stress on my kids. Would your mom want that, if she were thinking clearly?
Also, think about how much more refreshed and rested you are when you visit now. If you are doing the work of 3 people, you lose steam, get frustrated easier and generally may decline in health from being so stressed out and exhausted. You being sick wouldn't help mom at all.
If you fear that you can't answer her questions, come up with a standard answer that fits any question. She won't likely recall if you use it over and over. (Remember that she's repeatedly asking you about home, not due to be insistent, but because she forgets what has already been said. ) Regardless of the question, you can say, "Well, let me think about that. I'll have to give it some thought. Can we revisit it tomorrow?" Or, "I'll have to discuss it with the doctor or the office, the insurance agent or the tax guy. There are so many rules. I'll have to figure out the best route to take on that one." Or," I'm waiting on the paperwork. It's in the mail."
Also, keep in mind that your mom could also beg to go home, even if she is living in your home. People beg to go home who ARE ALREADY in their home, so taking her home is no guarantee for success. Stay calm and confident. I hope you can find peace with it.
"Try it again? I'm not taking any chances. You're too important for that."
That kind of thing.
More importantly: once you're on your way home, heart in your boots, remember that you're right - you CANNOT fix this for your mother. You cannot make everything ok in her irrational, non-retentive head. And you are doing the right thing. And, most of all, yes you do love your mother. Huge hugs to you.