I have always tried to honor my mother, and I haven't always succeeded, but I think overall, I've been a decent daughter! But now my Mom is very ill, and she gets very very confused a lot of the times due to her illness. So I have to tell her things like, "No, Mom, don't eat that, that's a tissue!" Or, "Mom, drink the water" (to swallow a pill). The other day she actually wanted to drive, and while it was a day when she was doing amazingly well for her condition, she still should not drive at all. I told her she couldn't drive, and she got very upset with me, and said, "I can tell you one thing, you will NOT be the boss of me!" She and I don't usually have words like that, and I started to cry. I realized I sounded very bossy and I came across sounding like a stern parent to my own mother, and I hated that. I realize I can try to use a softer tone, but I still have to "boss" her in certain ways, and I am having a hard time with it.
She doesn't understand that she is confused, so she can't figure out why I'm telling her what to do all the time. How do you go about this? I want to honor and respect her now more than ever, since she is suffering and so ill, and yet I am finding it difficult when I've been thrown into this opposite role.
So we set up a checklist like he asked, and he doesn't use it and complains because it's in his way, where I put it so he would notice it and use it. Sigh.
I try to keep it light. He laughs when I call him a poopy-brain. I always accuse him of "making me forget" to do something that he didn't make me forget at all. I take the blame for telling him to do the wrong thing, or forgetting to tell him. Except when I get annoyed. Then I'm not quite so nice. That's the good thing about calling him a poopy brain. In my head, I'm saying "sh*th**d", but he only hears the funny version of the insult.
Try saying, "Oops, Mom, I forgot to put your shoe on." Or "Before we go out, let's do an inspection. Do I have everything? Do you have everything? Let's check the weather. Oh. 100 degrees. That's pretty hot. Do you think we should wear short sleeves, in case the AC breaks?"
In other words, if you treat her like a three year old, you will have more luck. You have to be careful of the ego of a three year old. If she says you're too bossy, admit it, apologize and tell her it's because she raised you up to be a smart, strong woman like she is. Agree that it's not fair that a grown woman has someone telling her what to do. "But I love you, Mom, and want to keep you safe." Compare her to a queen, who always has to follow the rules whether she wants to or not. Treat her as your partner, without whom you can't succeed.
It's a struggle every day. Laughter and love and LOTS of tact and LOTS of tongue biting.
Some days she is happy for the assistance; other days, she lashes out at me and says she doesn't need another mother, etc. I make it sound as if it is in her best interest if we do X instead of Y. It's just an ongoing process. I also pray a lot and ask for patience to do the right thing for her in the most helpful way.
My mum although I love her has never appreciated all I do and just abuses me constantly im quite a tough person but its hurts even though its her illness.
Her doc told her the other day," has she any idea how lucky she is to have me here looking after her" she said yes but shes not always nice to me? the doc could see my frustration.
She lost her credit card the other day and I had no idea until the bank rang,her first response was "its all your fault!" I do everything for my mum except wash her so I am learning not to ever feel guilty as im doing all I can to help her if I give out to her for doing something dangerous then its needs to be done.