For 2 years I have been caring for my mother who has COPD and still smokes and drinks daily. She refuses to go outside or, lately, even get dressed. She refused to move into my home so we purchased a house together. Bad idea! My husband and I have no privacy and I have had to quit my job to care for her. I clean, cook, do the shopping, pick up her meds, cater to her every whim. I am going bonkers. I am depressed and feel like I have no life left. Mother criticizes the way I prepare food and I have to make hers differently. She does not get dressed she showers once a week and she has 2 cats that refuse to use the litter box and have ruined carpet that is only a year old. She has taken over the house. I believe that she can do more than she claims. I feel held hostage in my own home. I have siblings who do nothing. My husband and I go out once a week to try and have some semblance of a normal life and she makes me feel guilty for going out. The ironic thing is, my mother left my grandmother to move 2000 miles away to "have her own life", and yet she expects me to take care of her. Why did I do this? We have never had a good relationship. My sister had been closer to Mom her whole life and yet when Mom fell ill, nothing... And yet my sister tells me, " Mom shouldn't have to pay you rent". I feel so much guilt and hatred towards my mother. She is a miserable human being. No friends and no social life. I have never been good enough for her and I guess I am still not. When do I get my life back? I feel as though I have lost my mind. Thanks for allowing me to vent. Kris
We don't know what it's going to be like until we live with them. Some are angels themselves; yet as they age? They change. They can't help it.
You have GOT to separate yourself from the mess you've made, Chris. You'll lose your mind and your marriage. And don't doubt for one little minute that you're the jake that let this happen.
It's time to put on your big-girl panties and make some changes. Call your local Council on Aging or whatever it's called in your area; tell them the mess you're in and ask for their help.
If you can't even do that? You don't want help. And before you say, "You're mean, Maggie," understand that you have a weak spot here. You feel beholdin' to your mom...maybe because you DIDN'T have a close relationship with her. But if you're not careful, it's going to ruin your life.
It doesn't sound like Mom is going to change, so you need to figure out how to extricate yourself and your husband from this forced servitude. And you need to learn how to build some boundaries with your mom. That is best accomplished through some counseling. There are also good books out there about dealing with parents who are toxic and I'm sure others will chime in with good suggestions. But start with figuring out how to undo the housing situation. Your mom needs to be on her own. You don't owe her your health and happiness.