My mother has been diagnosed with moderate vascular dementia. I was told it is better to continue to keep telling her the truth about questions she asks such as whether her parents are still living. She also imagines people are living with us, or that her old and original bedroom furniture is just rental furniture. When I try to explain to her that her parents are deceased, she gets upset and cries. When I tell her her bedroom furniture is her own and not rental, she gets mad at me. I am concerned if I go along with her delusions, that one lie will lead to another and become a huge problem. Plus, I don't feel good lying to her. What is the best way to handle her delusions to keep from the tears and fights?
I would distinguish between mother asking questions (are my parents still living?) and mother having delusions (let's call my mother today). If she is truly asking for information, then giving her facts may help orient her in our reality. "It is September, 2012 now. You mother died in December 2000. We've all missed Gramma very much."
But if she is stating or implying her belief, "when will Mother be home?" then it seems to me (and many dementia experts) that it is kindest to get into her reality. "Not until late. She had lots of errands to run." If your mother in her own mind is 25 years old, then of course her mother is still alive! Your "truth" that she died a dozen years ago is preposterous!
What possible purpose do the tears and fights serve? Does she "learn" the truth, and remember it next time? Does it cure the vascular lesions in the brain?
She insists the furniture is rented? "Well, isn't it remarkable how much it looks like your genuine furniture! That must make you happy."
It gets trickier when the delusions are disturbing to her. Still, your goal is to make her comfortable. If she is terrified of the critters that live under her dresser, don't just agree there are critters there. Go out and get the critter-be-gone spray and assure her you've taken care of it. (That spray smells a lot like room scent, by the way, but has a nice computer-generated label.)
I want to make my loved one comfortable. I want him to feel safe. I lie my head off! :-)
I'd like to suggest a couple of books. "Creating Moments of Joy" by Jolene Brackey is witten for caregivers of elders with Alzheimers. My husband has a different form of dementia (and I know your mother does) and many of the specifics in this book just don't apply. But it is such an upbeat, easy-to-read book that even if you get only one or two ideas from it that apply I think it will be worthwhile. The other suggestions applies to all types of dementia. "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia" by Pauline Boss is a compassionate look at the stress of caregiving a loved one who is both physically present and also increasingly "not there."
This is a very hard journey you are embarked on. Warm hugs to you.
I thank you for the suggestions, and her doctor has had her checked many times for a possible UTI and did inform me of how a UTI can cause these types of hallucinations. Fortunatley (or unfortunatley) she is negative for UTI and it has been suggested that her hallucinations come from it being vascular. She has multiple types of hallucinations. It can be anything from people being in the house stealing from her, to her living in other homes, to people crawling into bed with her at night. I personally feel she may be visited by angels, because some of those people who crawl into bed with her give her happy memories. The most interesting thing is, her delusions are mixed with good recollections of what I have previously told her so I can't seem to win. Not that winning is what is important, but I'm obviously not doing this well. I appreciate your suggestions for the books and I will certainly get one or both, as I am in desperate need of help and I can't be in the same room with her for an hour without her starting to yell at me for some reason or another. It is becoming very stressful and I have no one to give me a break. My brother is MIA, and refuses to answer my calls for help. My only break is sleep and work. I appreciate more than I can say having someone to talk to about this. And, I hope and pray your journey with your loved one is a peaceful one. God Bless you for being there! And, many warm hugs to you as well.