I had been taking care of both of my parents for over 2 years. Since my father passed away last year, I have been taking care of my mom. She lives 30 to 1 1/2 hour away from me and for a long time, I have been going to her form 3 to 5 times a week. My mother has dementia and she has many health issues. She used to smoke 1 1/2 packs to 2 packs a day and now with the help of 3 to four aides, she smoke 1 to 3 cigarettes a day. She was in hospital many times in one year! Since she fractured her hip a month after my dad passed away, she cannot walk around and needed to be reminded to use her walker. To make long story short, I am taking in a way taking care of her 24/7. including taking care of her bills. My husband has been unemployed for 2 years and I have some health issues and I am in a sense working full time taking care of mom. I am not getting paid to do this and my family and I are financially strapped! I don't know what to do about this! My sister lives out of country and the original agreement was that we get equal share when mom pass away. I don't think its fair. Also I need to make some money in order to take care of mom! I told my sister that if things heading this way, my family and I can lose our home. She did not say anything nor did say anything to support me. I am so lost and scared and don't know what to do anymore. Any suggestions?
I also sat down with my parents and sister (lives 1000 miles away) to discuss the situation. We agreed that I should be paid for the time because the needed support / services had grown from approx 10 hours / month to 60+ hours / month.
My parents' attorney recommended payment at a rate comparable to the rate a local home care provider would be paid. At this time, I am receiving payment from the family Trust (inheritance) for services rendered - on going documentation of those services is critical. What ever is left after my parents pass will be split according to their will.
In the meantime, my parents are receiving the support they need. I am paid an equitable amount for those services and not feeling 'dumped on'. My sister is OK with using the Trust to pay (me or a home care provider) for services our parents need.
You're damn right, lk, you deserve the lion's share of your mom's money if you take this on. You're already paying the woman's bills for God's sake. You deserve every single dime of that back. I've said it before and I'll say it another 1000 times....you do the work, you get the money. You DON'T do the work, you don't get squat. Simple as that in my opinion. Talk to your mom. Tell her to change that will, or else you can't AFFORD to do for her anymore, that you've got to look out for yourself. There is no, let me repeat, NO shame in getting paid for doing the ungodly demanding JOB that you're doing, and it'll just keep on getting harder. Get paid, or tell your mom to go to assisted living or a NH, but make it clear that without compensation for a JOB well done, your services are no longer available. Period. No parent, imo, has any right whatsoever to ask so much of any child without doing what's right by that child. I mean, really?
As far as who should get more, I have to agree with ejbunicorn. It's not your decision how the money is divided, it's your mother's, whether it seems fair or not. Now, lkledner, if you feel it is possible, ASK your sister if you can take a small allowance from your mother's money each month to help ease the financial strain. She may say fine and document everything. Then you won't feel so put upon.
Whether we like it not, whether we want to believe it or not, we chose to be in this role. We can all change it tomorrow by saying, no I can't do this anymore and find the resources to care for our loved ones or place them in a home. I know a lot of you aren't going to agree with that, but it's true.
I have been caring for both parents, by myself, no support from two siblings, one trying to steal their money, accessing bank accounts I've had to freeze, accuses ME of stealing their money, and the other sibling just disengaged. I had no idea how much this was going to turn my world, my life and body, upside down. No idea. But here I am, so now I have to deal with it. My husband is not not working right now and I run a small company that helps pay the bills. Two kids in college etc... I don't get paid a penny from my parents money, and the inheritance has already been split three ways straight. They got their money.There are days I'm VERY resentful, exhausted, desperate, and days where I know I will be able to look back and say I did the right thing, I know my parents love me and I have no regrets. We all have our own set of circumstances. So lkledner, if you think you can discuss this with your sister, do so now.
xo
-SS
Also, I am surprised that no one has mentioned in their comments that children don't really get to make these decisions about inheritance. If she has a will or a trust, it's legally spelled out. If she doesn't, the courts will determine who gets what. Earlier in the process, a legal contract could have been drawn up, detailing what payment was to be received for providing services, while she was still able to understand and enter into a contract. If she's not cognitively capable to do this any longer, then the best you maybe able to do is to keep meticulous records of what it's costing you to provide care for your mother, with receipts, verifiable records of time involved, whatever you can come up with to show what it's cost you to do that and use it when the estate is settle. It's extremely unfortunate that the decisions that people have to make in order to try to provide help that someone has to provide for our elders often disrupt their own lives horribly, and that often others who should share in that responsibility and help lighten the load for everyone involved, instead add to the difficulties for those who have stepped up to actually provide the care. We have a long way to go in finding better ways of end-of-life care.
Here's how you need to look at it. For as long as she lives, your mum's money is her money to be spent on her welfare; it's not yours; ignore it. Literally, pretend it doesn't exist. Plan your own family's finances as well as you can without taking her money into account. And if that means you have to take a job, then more of her money is going to need to be spent on her care because there is only one of you, and you cannot do everything and be everywhere.
By the way, has your mother actually made a legal will? I'm not clear if the agreement you mention is with your mother, or between you and your sister. If your mother's dementia is not too advanced it may be possible for her to amend her will or make one IF SHE WANTS TO. But you yourself could not be involved in making or changing her will because it would be legally and morally indefensible; you would need to find her an independent advisor to help her with this.
Her money, her money, her money. Not yours. Don't forget that bit. I promise, it makes it easier to bear.
Your sister may feel bad about not helping with your mother; or she may not. She's far away from the situation: that could mean it's out of sight and out of mind, or it could be that she worries even more because she doesn't know what's going on. If you normally get on well with her, maybe you could talk to her about how she feels? Give her some sympathy before you expect any back from her. If you've never got on, that's sad but really not a problem you can sort out in the current situation. Be polite. Don't say anything you can't take back. Don't expect more of her than she's realistically going to offer.
There aren't going to be any easy answers. This is a really, really hard situation. Find out if there are any sources of free legal and financial advice in your area; and get professional help to draw up a plan. Try to take care of yourself, decide your priorities and don't beat yourself up for not being an angelic superwoman!
And give yourself credit for being a good, loving daughter. I wish you all the best.
My Mom's money has been in a trust well over the 5 year look back and my sister who is co POA with me has no problem with it. She can access the funds any time she wants if she wants to check on what I'm deducting..
I had to give up my job to take care of my Mom and it's either pay me or pay someone to come in, we choose me! 5
Look into daycare. We have a program here in Pittsburgh Pa area that is covered by medicaid, takes over their medical...relieving the person of the cost of a medicare
supplement. The day care picks up the client, feeds them and keeps them active while there...then takes them home.
Remember, like in an airplane, when the air mask comes down in front of you...they tell you yo put it on yourself before you try to help anyone....you are no good to anyone if you can't breath. Same with caregiving...you need to MAKE time for your self. If you don't, you will resent he situation your parents put you in.
As for Veterns benefits, if dad was a qualifying war Veteran, his widow is entitled to up to $1113 pr month to help offset her care costs. It is currently taking 8-12 months to get the benefit. If you get your US congressman or US senator to follow up after 4-5 months....may be less. Currently, the claimant can get benefits with higher income and assets if proper planning is done! This can slow the bleed of the savings. You need a qualified advisor go help wiyh this...the VA cannot offer advice. They are only there to submit an application.
Google Filial Responsibility....years ago, before our lives got so crazy, the family took care of the parents...it was a given. Today, families have moved away from the home base...the children are busy with their own lives. It can be a burden to take care of our parents....but they brought us into his world and took care of us....with no expectation of being paid. They gave their all...paid for our college in some cases, used their retirement money for this.....and we forget all this when it comes time to help them in their time of need. I understand the hardships and it isn't always fair. The siblings living away just don't understand what the local siblings go through on a daily basis. Don't let yourself get to a state of resentment. Call your local Area Agency on Aging (waiver programs)...look for daycare/home care options. Explain to your sister...if you don't do it...who will? She will have to pay someone else to care for mom. Good luck in your journey!
Consult an elder law attorney, or the attorney who drew up the will to see about compensation now for caring for your mom. It makes more sense for you to get paid now, rather than wait for your mom to die. Think of this as getting your inheritance early (and you are performing a job that you should be compensated for.) Also, keep all receipts of expenses you've paid for mom's care and get reimbursement.
If your sister doesn't agree, tell her she will need to move back and split the care. The only other option is to pay a stranger to take care of her. Hopefully, your sister will see the foolishness of that idea.
The 50/50 split only applies to whatever money is left in the estate after your mom passes. By the time your mom does pass, the estate will be smaller anyway and your sister will get less.
I have a sibling who has told me he's entitled to more than half of whatever because he used to work on the parents cars 20 years ago when our dad was in his 50s and he was still working full time. Never mind the fact our parents helped set him up in a house, so I think he's been paid back for the little bit of work he did. A little detail he leaves out. Anyway, if your husband is unemployed, you are struggling and in a position where you have to pay for some things for your mom, then your mom should be on Medicaid and of course there is probably some social security benefit to her as well. It sounds like the sister doesn't really care either way, even though she's out of country, she probably knows the financial situation your mother is in. And thus what is the inheritance if you have to pay for some of her needs? I'm going to guess the home. I'd ask the sister for financial help to pay for some of those things mom needs that you're covering, have her split it with you. Also Mom can keep the house and be on Medicaid, but as soon as she goes into a nursing facility for a certain amount of time, the house must be sold. Medicaid is very strict. If this is the situation actually, husband is not working, maybe he has disability, you keep looking for work, mom eventually goes into a home, then the house must be sold and the funds go to Medicaid as I understand it or whatever medical debt your mom has when she passes will not be covered by Medicaid until the rest of her property is sold and that covers it. If you and mom manage to keep things going, and keep her off Medicaid to hang onto the inheritance, and she passes, the estate must still go to probate, and I can tell you for a fact, attorney's don't care who did what or who says what, in the end it'll be divided in half. Just don't let the attorney's stir up the hornets nest so to speak and drag it out, and most will, the only thing accomplished by that is the attorney's get to charge you more, they love it when siblings fight over inheritance. You can try to get mom to do a living trust, with a clause that you get more because of the help you gave her. A friend of mine just went through this, it took two years of hearings, she was dragged through the mud. In the end after the medical cost her mother incurred, there wasn't much left anyway and it was like a nightmare of a probate hearing. If you do try to do the trust, it will cost to do it, no cheap.
You might consider moving her in with you if you have your own place, or get your own place, even just rent somewhere, then you can technically use some of her social security to pay for the utilities and such since she's using some of them, same with food. You won't have the drive anymore either to take care of her which will save on fuel cost. The time saved because you don't have to drive so much, will give you more time to look for work. When she gets sick again and has to go into the hospital, you can keep her in the hospital, then transfer her to skilled nursing for a while which medicare will cover to give yourself a break before she comes back home. Almost everybody here knows how that goes. Good luck, everyone's situation is so different, hopefully you can get some good ideas here, something that will help you out.
I'm in somewhat of a similar situation. I'm trying to work to pay my own bills and hang on, my dad wants me to quit working and move in with him, if I do that I know I'll be homeless when he passes, that's a guarantee, so I'm doing what I can now to find more work, and take care of myself because if you can't take care of yourself first, you can't take care of anybody else. I've been driving back and forth to his house for ten years, hospital stays, heart attacks, cancer, etc....
how do your mothers bills get paid? is their a POA? good luck!
xo
-SS
You need a care agreement prepared by an elder law attorney that is compliant with Medicaid rules. Most states allow payment to family caregivers for necessary care as documented by a doctor. Why should sister benefit from your sacrifice? Been there, done that!