Four falls over last 1 1/2 yrs fractures in each incidence. Macular degeneration ,glaucoma, very limited vision. Hearing loss and vision loss plus extreme introversion together with a very antisocial personality leave her very isolated. Hubby does bills. grocery shopping , doc visits, prescription pickups and administering doses in pill dispensers . Her resistance to being compliant to Dr. visits, paying for some in-home help, and constant complaints about everyone and everything (especially if doc cuts back her pain pills and sleep meds) have left him mentally and emotionally overwhelmed. Her behavior in general is that of a borderline personality. Loves to attack and accuse me through Hubby of everything from turning him against her to tampering with the phone lines to prevent her from calling has gotten old and burdensome to him. No reasoning with her because "she knows"! It's crazy making !! Now she must move from California to Iowa ( hubby"s sister is willing to take her)
I know that sounds cruel but I've been doing this for 3 years now and I'm beat. I've never been one to beat around the bush, always spoke my mind so thats what I did. Good luck to you and lots of hugs.
Jan
My heart goes out to you and your husband. It is difficult caring for parents who are cooperative and appreciative. I can't imagine what it is like to endure what you are going through. The only question I have is was she like this as long as you have known her or is this a recent development that may be caused by her medications and the progression of her ailments? I am especially concerned about the abuse of pain and sleeping pills. Withdrawal from these medications can cause the extreme agitation that she is exhibiting. If her doctor is not aware of these mood changes and behavior, does she hide it during her appointments? This is not unusual. If so, you may need to trick her into misbehaving in the doctor's presence so that she can be referred to proper treatment and she can return to her old sweet self again. I would try to do this BEFORE you pass her along to your sister-in-law. Otherwise, there will be less chance of getting the right treatment and once your SIL discovers what she has taken on, your MIL may appear back on your doorstep in an even worse condition than she is now. Also, look for the input from others on this site. Many of us have lots of wisdom to share regarding the your situation.
I would have been on board with her going to the NH if they had tried what I suggested first. I suggested this a long time ago. My guess is the DPOA didn't want to pay for it. I just wanted to see if I was right--that she was trying to get up at night to go to the b/r and would fall and that's how she got some of the bruises. I just wanted to test my theory. I couldn't stay up all night, if I was going to take care of her during the day.
Maybe this is the best way, since she had to go to the hospital that she went directly to the NH. ...but it s*cks! Medicare will only pay for a NH if they come directly to the NH, not from a private home to NH. So, again, I ask "Why do we pay into Medicare?" There are a lot of people who cannot afford a NH and hospitals will not keep them for periods of time. More people are staying at home with Caregivers. The rule needs to be changed, BIG TIME from Direct Admit from hospital to a NH and it should also include Direct Admit from private home to a NH. Some people don't necessarily need to go to a hospital first. ...but that's the only way Medicare will pay for a NH.
Try very hard not to take any of this personally. The paranoia that accuses others of stealing or of not wanting her is a very common part of dementia. Add that to her life-long mood swings and the fact that she has recently lost her life partner, and of course the poor woman isn't making sense.
Try to reassure her without suggesting she is right. "Oh Mom, how awful it must feel if you didn't know that about the house. I thought I've been keeping you up-to-date, but I guess I must have missed some things. Let's sit and have a cup of coffee, a few cookies, and let me answer all your questions."
It is not possible to argue someone out of delusions, so there is no point in protesting that you told her yesterday. Tell her again. Be sympathetic. Try to imagine how scary it must be not to be able to hold things in your memory. Yes, it is VERY annoying to have to repeat information over and over and it is especially hurtful to be accused when you are taking so much trouble to be helpful.
It is the dementia. It is not Mom. Hold the image of your sweet mother in your mind, and be angry at the dementia.
Have to taken Mom to a geriatric psychiatrist and/or a behavioral neurologist since she has come to stay with you? That should probably be your next step.
Hang in there! You are doing a very loving thing.
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