His adult sons and family are distant. They all live out of town, including 3 grandchildren and 4 step grandchildren who are all adults, ages, 22-31. The sons call periodically, no notes or calls from the daughter-in-laws....oh maybe an e-mail to me...not necessarily about my husband ...........and I'm wondering what to do? Or do I just let it be. He feels ignored as I do. Of course, this has been their behavior for most of our 14 years of marriage. Why do I think it would change now? They show no compassion in my book. Very much into themselves. Part of the "I" generation.
Would it be possible to have some kind of low key family weekend? Or maybe one family a weekend could come visit. If they are close enough..it could even be just a day trip.
This is not time to let personal feelings and past hurts get in the way; it is a time of mending and being together for each other. Time to open those hearts and arms!
I wish you all the best. Gob bless!
If they remain self absorbed it will lead to little or no contact but if even one of these folks steps up he will be happier.
The use of Skype can assist but sitting with an ill person holding their hand, giving them a hug or a kiss on the forehead when they are down can't be
made up for by technology. Just being there to reassure lessens pain and grants the ill person a peace of mind. Your presence in his life I am sure does all of this.
Good luck --I hope one of his relatives steps up but send out the notification and let God soften their hearts to do the right thing for their father, grandfather.
Elizabeth
When FIL was ill (he knew he was terminal and didn't tell me) He sat down with me asked the same question. He so wanted to see his sons, he reached out to them by asking them to help with the paperwork (changing the deed to a living trust ect.) they told him no. I think because they didn't believe he was dying (a little bit of a hypochondriac over the years) . He asked me if he should offer to pay them for their visits? He suggested 50.00 each per. I was mortified he felt he had to go that way. He knew we (myself, my husband and the brothers)don’t get along, so he asked me to talk to them and squelch any bad feelings. We reached out to them. When he didn't die after their first visit they became accusatory with me ( as if I manipulated them). The sadness I feel was (is) ridiculous. I was so hurt, vengefully; I got on the phone and explained, he was so upset about their lack of interest he was willing to pay for their visits. Their reply...How much? He died 2 weeks later. They hate me. I feel sorry for them.
Hopefully in your situation you can suggest they arrange their vacations and/or long weekends in your area. Get "Skype” a computer video chat. The sons and grand kids can update you both on the daily adventures (sounds like they are a busy bunch) Even face book can help. I realize they are older but if they actually see him they might realize something they don’t over the phone. Best buy, Geek squad can help you with the setup.
But beware....I tried this with MIL and I had to deal with her dissappointment when they never called back..... Good luck!
For 33 yrs, I have dealt with step sons that did nothing but try to split my husband and I up. I had nothing to do with their Mom and Dad's split. He married someone else between their mother and I. They have told me they can have me killed anyday ect. When I was ill in the hospital as soon as I got home one of their Bimbo wives called me and said if I died they were filing a claim against my property. I have a small farm, they are nothing to me. One of them married a wanted female off the internet. I worked all the time as a professional person. I finally told my husband they were not allowed in my home any longer. You cannot waste your time trying to make bullies like you. They wanted my husband to give them POA over him when he was going to have surgery. I worked in the medical area. He did not do it. Just tell them their Dad is ill, but don't invite trouble in. Be realistic they are not in your corner. Best of Luck
I am sorry you are going through this and it is awful, but it is not just family that does these kinds of actions. My mom attended the same church for over 40 years, all of the people she knew from that time that are still around do not call or come for a visit either and they are old enough to know better. Today, people are too absorbed in their own lives to think about others.
I would notify each family member of the situation and say that he would love to hear from them a bit more frequently. If after this point, they do not put forth the effort then the guilt they will feel after the fact is their issue.
I am not trying to be cruel by any means, but I am dealing with a similar situation with my mom and have been except my mom doesn't have a terminal cancer. My mom has 3 brothers and 6 sisters living, she hears from 2 sisters every now and then. She was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I said something about telling her siblings and she told me no. I was allowed to tell the 2 that called, but none of the rest. My mom said it won't make a difference to them, they still will not call me. So it is my husband, myself and mom as we forge forward through this disease. I know I am doing the right thing and I do not worry about the rest.
I have 3 siblings, of which 2 will call their own mother once every 4 - 6 weeks if she get lucky and 2 of her own grandchildren won't talk to her by phone but about once a year if she gets lucky.
So I have learned to tell them what they need to know and the return action is up to them. You cannot make them pick up the phone and call, hold onto the memories the two of you have, stay positive, make more happy memories and they can answer for their actions someday. Remember they will be old or sick one, who is going to call them. So keep a stiff upper lip and remember there are others out there that go through the same thing and we are here to support each other.
Again, I am truly sorry they are treating you that way.
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