Thank you? I’m having trouble understanding why my mother never expresses any gratitude.

Expressing gratitude directly or frequently means admitting aloud to you that she needs you. That she is not as independent as she used to be and is losing some control over her life.
Being a caregiver does not have to be a 100% DIY project. Even if no other family around, contact your local Area Agency on Aging. She may be eligible for some help at home based on income and level of care...and they can give you a list of private pay non-medical home care agencies.
Even if she doesn't like having someone come in, refusing is not an option.
Saving her money (relying on free care from you) is also not an option. Her money is for her needs, now. Inheritance is what is left over after she dies.
She won't always be happy...and may not start appreciating you.
Your first responsibility is to yourself, and your second is to be sure her basic needs are met. Hiring helpers to meet those needs for her at times is the best way to meet your responsibility for yourself.
It is a hard part of the road, this getting old business. Take good care.

I don’t understand it either. The more I did, the more she expected. One day, several years ago, my cousin got a filling while I had dental surgery. My mother pestered me morning, noon and night, wanting to phone but hesitating in case she disturbed her while she was napping. I asked for the same courtesy but was denied. Always felt I was less than a person to her.

Hire caregivers to come and help with your mom for a few hours. Sounds like you are burned out. Believe me, it’s so worth the money!

I wish my mom could say “Thanks” but in her condition, it probably will never happen. Yet, I still continue to care for her.

I imagine as a kid, I probably never thanked her for caring for me either. She did an amazing job caring for 10 kids. Yet out of the 7 living children, only one stepped forward to care for her in her last season of life. What a way for her children to say “thanks”.

My mother was also a “narcissist.”
That’s my answer.

My mother grew up in the 'old country' and came to this one right after WW2. She always said to me that it was a child's 'responsibility and obligation' to take care of one's parents when they get old. Thus, everything I did for her up to her passing this year at age 95 was an expectation and entitlement. That was why all I ever got was complaining and criticism instead of gratitude and thank you. I realized I could never change her - who she was and how she was. And yes, I continued to meet my 'responsibility and obligation' because I was the only family she had. After many years, I was wore out and tired - mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I tried to get some help - but she wouldn't let the home health aides in or 'fired' them after a visit or two. I could have stepped away, but felt so guilty because she had no one else - no other kids or family members. And no, she wouldn't go to AL - and because she was mentally o.k., I couldn't force her. Things changed when she passed away this year. Hate to say it, but it was like a sense of relief and freedom. Now, at almost 67 yo, I can finally start living my life the way I want to and can!

There are people without empathy and any understanding or gratitude - she feels entitled to what you give her and is taking advantage of you. And you are being forced to be a caretaker and it is affecting you very badly - not everyone can be or is willing to be a caretaker. She is selfish and most likely like this her whole life. She either never learned or simply doesn't care. First of all, you must find a way at once to either get her a caretaker or place her. Funds are available but it takes some research. And if it is affecting you, STOP AT ONCE AND FIND ANOTHER SOLUTION. I don't think someone like this deserves your care and how it is impacting you. Please do not wait.

I’m sorry, I’m going through the same thing. I feel like my life is being sucked right out of me. I wish I could help you, as well as myself. I find this forum helpful, knowing I’m not alone. Tired and depressed sure sums it up! My father ignored me and family for 20 years, cause that’s what his wife wanted. Shows up at my door 3 years ago and now expects me to give up my life to take care of him. I guess it’s the nasty ungrateful attitude, which really gets to me. I know this is not helpful response, but I just hope knowing others are in the same situation helps.

Edit: Your mother's *advanced* age.

Flowerpots: Imho, considering your mother's advance age of 96, perhaps she is unable to express 'thank you's' to you, although she may hold them in her heart. Also, you require respite through any means possible, e.g. Visiting Angels, et al.

My mil (lived with us the last 8 months of her life) was constantly saying "I'm sorry." One day my daughter said to her, "Grandma, instead of telling mom all the time that you are sorry, maybe you say 'Thank you' instead." Mil got the message and began expressing thanks.

Like father like son. Her constant "I'm sorrys" were because she lived under such condemnation from her husband, she was never good enough, never did anything right, so she lived a life of constant apology. I recognized that when she was with us in 2010 and determined that "I'm sorry" would not be said to my husband unless there was actually a reason to apologize. My husband is way too much like his father, maybe even worse. He does eek out an occasional "Thank you," but it is rare.

I can work my but off for hours on end and all my devils daughter can do is find fault. I do not take it personally and just calmly inform her that gratitude shows respect and maturity. It would be nice if she put the big girl panties on and show some respect. Otherwise, if she wants to behave like a child, she can do it herself. It shuts her up- for a little while.
If you have siblings it is time for them to pitch in either helping take care of her or helping pack her bags for her new home, a seniors home.
Do not get depressed. Rather take it to Jesus. He has been there done that. He will calm you down, restore your energy and bless you with peace. He may also suggest you move on down the road and let momma take care of herself.

You don't say if she has dementia or not but try having a talk with your mother about how you REALLY feel. See if you can get her to really hear you and answer you. Your profile says your mother is 96 - keep in mind that she may be feeling isolated and angry at her own lack of dependence, or even guilty about it.
More important is that you are burning out from care taking. It's time to stop "doing it all" and get some respite. Can you solicit other family members to give you a break every week? Can you use your mom's resources to hire some part-time care - even if it's 2-3 hours a day - once or twice a week? I can assure you, you will be less depressed and tired. One thing I will stress is that you insist on outside care even if your mother objects - which she will. She will get used to it and you will get the self-care you sorely lack. Please think about it.

I'm in the same Situation my mom's a 79 year old quadriplegic paralyzed from the breast down She has 3 sons daughter Laws grandkids nobody helps ,CNA's calling out whenever they want to nurses sometimes they want you doing their jobs, I'm tired In my mom she seems to be getting weaker and weaker as years go past She fell in 2017 I had her sense 2018 You must put yourself 1st because I'm trying to figure out how I can do that I don't believe in nursing homes they're very bad
That's my Opinion You have to find some way to put yourself 1st because I'm searching because I refuse to go down God says honor your mother and father You can't stop searching for a way to find help for yourself I'm going to get help for myself
Your story sounds just like me my mom was so into her sons
I say those same words that you're speaking right now

Sounds like you need help and having Burn Out.

I'm sure your mom is thankful for all you do and that she is home and nor in a Nursing Home. She may not even think about saying thank you.
If mom has the money then you need to use it to hire help.
If there us no money to hire help then you need to discuss with mom about putting her in a home.

My mom 84 was the same way. She lived in my house. Frankly, she was outright nasty. I'd get calls or texts (she still remembered how to text) me all day, "water," "hungry," "TV not working," "too hot," "dropped something," etc. Then the impossible behavior: up all night, won't take meds, falls, refusing to use cane or then walker, only let me change her sheets 2 times in 9 months YUCK (had incontinence, can you imagine).

Best response after brining her pizza -- her favorite food -- for dinner to her bedroom [every meal was eaten in bed] was "I cannot eat this, it was cooked in your dirty oven." Nothing was every done right in her mind. Her "good daughter" she would tell me "would do it better." LOL, there is no other daughter, I am an only child.

About a year ago, she had a bad fall and was in the hospital for two weeks. Thereafter, she went to rehab and then thankfully that transitioned into a permanent long term care stay at the same facility which is an awesome high quality facility. I do not expect any gratitude or understanding from her at this point. With lots of help from my husband, my adult kids and a therapist I am starting to get over this -- it will take years. My mom is a narcissist. Add in dementia, immobility and other medical/mental conditions (diabetes, arthritis, COPD, clinical depression, OCD) it was a total "sh__show."

My advice is get outside help ASAP OR really consider a permanent nursing home or assistive living/AL placement (if there are funds for the later). Get POA and other legal docs in order if you do not have them. Talk with an eldercare attorney so these docs can be executed as well as to get advice on how to prepare to spend down for Medicaid long term care coverage (assuming there are not sufficient funds to cover AL which is largely only private pay). Your local "area agency on aging" can also be helpful to navigate things (adult day care, respite care for you, etc.). If your mom ends up at the hospital at some point for any inpatient reason, the social workers at the hospital can be helpful about "best placements" post discharge and argue for a rehab discharge which Medicare can pay for, for at least some period of time. If that rehab facility is also a Medicaid-qualified long term care facility, a transition right there to a permanent stay may be possible. Carefully review the rehab/nursing facility contract, and DO NOT check the box that you'll take her home upon discharge from their facility AND DO NOT check the box that you agree to be financially responsible. Again, an attorney can help you execute that contract so that you are: 1) not financially responsible yourself and 2) that you do NOT have to guarantee you'll take them back and to review other aspects of that contract doc. If you are considering AL (if you or she has the funds for that as it is private pay -- that is about $14K a month where we live for those needing near nursing home level of care) also carefully review that contact. Some private pay AL facilities when the money runs out, discharge them -- then where does your LO go????

At the end of the day, you need to help get your mom the care she needs but THAT DOESN'T MEAN that that care has to come directly from you. Setting boundaries is very hard, but you have to protect yourself so that you can find a pathway forward to both live your life while assuring you mom is cared for most likely by others. Few among us can handle 24/7 care sans outside help. And when that LO is nasty, lacks gratitude, and/or has impossible behaviors (often part of dementia); sustaining one-on-one care w/o help will lead to burnout, your own depression, and resentment. You can be a good daughter while letting others care for your mom, even if that is a permanent placement somewhere.

Good luck. This is a very hard journey.

Mine says thank you but then turns around and either complains that it wasnt done correcfly or then adds more chores and makes it my problem that Im tired and exhausted because I "work too hard" ( for her) ...never taking any responsibility.

You do not indicate whether or not your has Alzheimer’s Disease and dementia. One of the early traits that I observed about the disease is that patients stop having empathy or concern for other people. For example, I would literally cry to my mother about her demented behavior. At that time it was her little paranoia about people stealing things from her apartment that did not occur. I also noticed with a LO when I accidentally burned myself in the kitchen cooking and shrieked about it. My LO did not even look my way. You may be overwhelmed and overworked but your mother does not see it or even care.

People who cannot be thankful or appreciative of other people's efforts on their behalf are known as:

Ingrates

Before your mother is put into the ingrate category, let me ask a question.
Is she thankful when someone other than yourself does anything for her? Can she show gratitude to other people?

If the answer is 'yes' then on top of being an entitled ingrate your mother also has no respect for you.
Either way, stop being her caregiver. You don't want to do it and no one should be forced to. Hire paid help.

Some people will never, ever - no matter what - show empathy or say thank you. I hate those people - they are selfish and cruel and think only of themselves. I personally would not, no matter who they are and the relationship, be involved with them. If it was affecting me very negatively, I would attempt to explain and try to fix it but it most likely is not going to happen - and it should not be tolerated. I would walk away and never look back. They made their beds and now let them lie in it......THIS IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

If she is generally a person gets people to do things for her without expressing gratitude then it is just a personality thing. That would mean that she is a narcissist and feels entitled.

I feel (from personal experience) that when we are stretched thin due to care giving, our minds become vulnerable to seemingly small things (for example, she did not eat something that I made for her specially taking into account her diet restrictions) take on greater significance. I feel only setting boundaries, and getting help will help restore a balanced perspective.

Could it be because she doesn't feel any. You are obviously struggling with what you have to do for her, so unless you are an absolute angel it is unlikely you do it cheerfully - and I really don't put any blame on you for that, it is affecting your health and caring isn't something you enjoy. If you do it with a negative attitude she is going to think you are cross with her, and perhaps you say things that could be interpreted that way?? It sounds as though you need to get carers in to get her up and put her to bed, and to look after her personal needs. You also need to see your Dr to get your depression sorted out. If you are in all day then cooking meals is probably not that difficult for you if you do not have to do the other things, but if it is have meals delivered from one of the agencies, not necessarily to replace all meals but maybe one a day would leave you with just breakfast and a hot light meal for when ever suits you best. You need to look after your own health for your own sanity and also because if you are not healthy you cannot look after your mother. Alternatively get her into assisted living so you can have pleasant visits with your mother not chores that you are not cut out for. No guilt there - we really are not all cut out for caring, we need to admit when we aren't and find away both lives can be improved.

Hope you're well!

I understand your situation. Don't take it to heart and always remember one thing "Take care of yourself so you have space to care for others". I hope everything turns out ok for you.

Kids never thank their parents for all they do while they're growing up, and elderly parents never thank their kids for what they do for them as they age.

Both are pretty self-centered at their respective ages and utterly clueless that the other is tired and would like a little recognition.

Consider yourselves even at this point.

It's no wonder why you are feeling tired and getting depressed..especially given that your mom isn't expressing any gratitude. By not knowing how your relationship has been with your mom until now, it's unclear as to know if she's ever had the ability to show any gratitude or what kind of relationship you've had with her prior. But, I think being more candid with her in a non-confrontation way may ease your frustration...rather than just responding that you're tired, you can share from the heart how you really feel. And if you're getting very depressed, that's a sign to take whatever steps you need to in order to alleviate your own discomfort...such as, getting some assisted help, reaching out to other family members for support - anything you can do to step away for time for yourself. It sounds like care-giving for her has been all-consuming and that in itself is emotionally and physically draining - I hope you do whatever you can to ease your situation and to provide time to recharge your mind, body and spirit.

I think some of the cared for get used to being catered to and believe it is their right and not a gift.

You need assistance. Mom has to pay for the assistance. Have them in twice a day if mom can afford it - otherwise 2 or 3 times a week to assist you in the morning and/or evenings. Their duties could include meal prep as well as looking to your moms care needs. If that is not helpful, maybe its time for mom to be placed in SNC.

While they are there take time for yourself to run errands or just take a break from mom.

Prayers that you are blessed with peace.

I have to laugh about this. Let me explain….
My Husband was pretty much non verbal he made noises but rarely talked and never a conversation for the last 7 or 8 years of his life. He loved going to Costco and Sam’s. I liked taking him there because he could walk around easily with the taller carts and when he had to start using a walker the aisles were wide enough that he would not get tripped up. Well he loved the samples they used to give out. And it blew my mind that when he would get a sample he would always say “thank you”.
I could make his favorite meal, would shower him, change him, put him to bed, get him up and NEVER a thank you.

You do get burned out. You do get frustrated. You do get angry at the situation. I do hope you have the help you need. It does make things easier. Even a few hours away can help.
Contact your area agency on aging and see what services mom might qualify for.

There could be a multitude of reasons -
* She expects you to do what you do.
* She doesn't possess the emotional response to feel grateful/gratitude or appreciation so she cannot express a feeling she doesn't have.
* She may have narcissistic tendencies - its all about 'me, me, me'
* It might help if you talk to her more directly when she asks why you are 'mad' - clearly you are expressing frustration, disappointment, lack of feeling appreciated, and I suspect - as you say, tired and depressed.
* It may (or may not) help her to know that by saying "thank you, I appreciate what you do for me," would make a world of difference to you.
* I believe most people do not like being a caregiver, especially when thrust into the job without much or any choice in the matter, one's life likely totally changes, and some of the duties are difficult and unpleasant. On top of this, there is no training on how to support someone with their physical needs (changing disposal underwear, cleaning sheets for instance) nor any knowledge or experience in interacting with a person who has dementia.
- I would suspect most people 'do this work' because it is a family member or a parent. Some seem to feel honored or responsible without questioning their circumstances; most seem to be overwhelmed and tired, and not setting personal boundaries/limits of what one can and cannot do.
* If I were you, I would tell your mother how you feel. It is an exercise for you to assert yourself and what you would like from her (a thank you). It will be valuable for you to speak up regardless of how she responds, although be prepared for any response.
* This work is very difficult. When it also involves a personal relationship, it adds more stress or emotional/psychological expended energy (draining perhaps).
* Lastly, I would ask you to really look at how you do feel inside. You might not identify as feeling 'mad' although you might feel angry - at all you 'have to do' / are doing.
Gena / Touch Matters

We don't know your mother, only what you've provided here. So, was she the type to thank you in the past, for anything you might have done for her (before you became her caregiver)? Maybe she's just not the type to thank people. There are many of them out there.

If this is the way she was, it isn't likely to change now. If she was the thankful type before, maybe she's just beyond all that now. You list her age as 96 and she has a host of medical issues. She may not be very thankful at this point in life!

Could you one time just ask her if she's thankful you are here to care for her? Maybe she doesn't realize how much it takes out of us to do all this, esp since YOU are likely a senior now too, with your own physical issues. If she can't thank you, then just let it go. YOU know what you do for her, so you can pat yourself on the back, when you aren't too tired to reach back there! If she does thank you, maybe it will bring out a little more. If she's asking why you're mad, it may get in the way of thanking you, thinking you are angry with her.

In your profile you mention this:

"I have to take her to the grocery store and it takes 1 to 2 hours because she can barely walk and won’t let me buy groceries for her."

Where is the "let" in this? Why not just do it? At least get the usual items, when she's not with you. Before going, check items and make a smaller list of things to get, because "we have these already." If she can't be left alone at home, then for that reason AND to take some of the onus off of you, perhaps you could hire some help.

Additionally, although she may be slow, why do you have to "make" breakfast and lunch? Can she not eat simple items for those meals, things that she can manage, such as hot/cold cereal, toast, sandwich and/or soup, pre-made salad, cottage cheese with fruit, etc?

Time saving: In order to save some time in food prep and cleanup, I make a full meal, as if for the family, and then freeze it in single meal portions (obviously not everything can be done this way, but it saves me a lot of time AND when I'm not up to preparing something, I can pop these in the microwave. It doesn't take more time, really, to prepare and clean up for this, but it means doing it once instead of multiple times. Maybe use some for lunches too, in a pinch?

So sorry your mother has forgotten how to see things from another's perspective - yours. Unfortunately, this seems to happen with seniors that have dementia. They forget how much work you are actually doing since everything revolves around themselves and their own feelings. Please try not to take this personally.

I am more concerned that you are tired and don't like being a caregiver. It isn't as if you have to love this role, but it should not be pulling you down. I suspect you do all the work and do not get enough "time off." Every person needs enough "time off": to get 7-9 hours of good sleep every day, to eat 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace, to take care of daily hygiene and own healthcare needs, to socialize with friends/family doing things they enjoy. Please ask family members, friends, members of your faith community, and paid help (sitters and home health aides) to help take some of the weight off your shoulders - at least weekly, but daily would be best. It might also be a good idea to research adult day programs and respite options near where you live.

I find the older they get, the more they just assume you would give up your entire existence and do everything for them. I don’t know if the dementia has a major role in this, as both my parents (75) are not like this. They’re very much, “You’re a busy working mom, with two young boys, you need a vacation, not looking after me!” At least they were until my Dad had a stroke, and my mom realized how desperately she needs my help. But in her case (no dementia) she feels guilty for adding more to my plate. My MIL however, acts like OF COURSE we should bend over backwards and cater to her every whim.

Maybe it’s personality (for instance, was your mother always a taker?), or maybe it’s the dementia. I’m not sure.