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We went out of town to bury her husband, and now that we are packing to go back, she has suddenly become suspicious that I'm leaving her behind, shipping her off, or "placing her in a sanitarium". The actual plan is that once we get back to town, she will be going to a wonderful place that specializes in memory care...and I have a feeling it's going to be ugly. Trying to stay positive, and I have a long time family member who's actually going with her so there is a familiar face, but now I feel guilty about placing her in that position....my Mom might get really nasty.....I feel bad for my mom too, but honestly there is a part of me that feels resentful that she only cares about herself. She's been kind of self absorbed for years, so it's not entirely the dementia, I just hate being in this position. I don't like being the bad guy, I wish I could make everyone happy, I am a complete wimp when it comes to confrontation. How does she know??? She can sometimes be so clueless and unobservant, why is she sensing it now?

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Hi Babalou, the plan worked quite well. At the airport I pretended to get a phone call from my hubby stating that I needed to stay and wait for him to catch another plane for a business trip, but that he had arranged for a ride for Mom and Family Friend. I walked them to the car, they got in and apparently it all went off just fine. They got her in the building, she was greeted by lots of friendly faces, they had dinner, took a tour, showed her the room. Once all the "staff" left however, she got pretty ugly with the Family Friend. Family Friend was going to spend the night, but after several rounds of my Mom being ugly and yelling, and almost violent, she went to get help and the help encouraged her to leave. I think it was possible she (Family Friend) was actually making things worse without even realizing it, because apparently they got Mom to bed, she had a good night, ate breakfast etc. Her caregiver showed up from 10-2 and they played ping pong, did crossword puzzles with another resident, etc. etc. The update from the caregiver was that Mom tagged along to the activities (but I suspect it's only because the caregiver was there and she thinks that she is her granddaughter)
Staff at the memory place have told me not to come visit until Monday, they want Mom to get used to the routine, the meals, and hopefully make a few friends.
When Mom was nasty to the Family Friend, she kept saying how angry she was at me for not telling her ahead of time. NOT that she would have remembered anyway.
I will continue to keep you posted, in the meantime, I'm catching up on laundry, going to go out to dinner with friends, and going to put in some decent hours at work this week!
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Yea! I'm ridiculously pleased - considering this doesn't really effect me. But I've come to think of this site as a more compassionate and understanding group of good friends. A victory for one can be shared by all! Telling your mom this is dr ordered and temporary is definitely the right way to go, in my opinion. Fingers crossed for you that soon your mother will be engaged, making friends and come to think of this as her new home. Now - go do something wickedly decadent for yourself!
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Another successful visit....I don't want to get my hopes up, and I know there are good days and bad days, but the breakfast visit was a success, in fact Mom didn't ask one time about living with me. The caretaker also took her to play cribbage at the senior center, and they had a fun time, and Mom went right back to the memory care place without a hitch. The activities director also told me that she's been very good about participating in activities like "chair yoga" which she would normally look down on as not real exercise.
Thanks everyone for all the support, it's been so helpful.
I will let you know how the art class visit goes!
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My daughter and I went to join Mom for the art class today, the caregiver was there too, and all four of us colored along with the other regulars. What a funny group, lots of chit chat with the others, lots of real talent....anyway, we had a good time. My daughter said later, she had never seen my Mom smile so much, even when she was living with us.
There were a few questions about how long she was supposed to stay, but no crying! Yay! Tomorrow the caregiver takes Mom to the gym to work out with the personal trainer, and I know that will go over well.
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My mom was escorted to the memory care building from AL. I moved her furniture and they even helped me hang pictures. I was told to stay away for a few days. My mom threatened to kill herself and of course this is my doing. I am sick about it. I hope she settles in soon. I had to let her Aids go because I couldn't pay for them plus AL. although memory care is much more, I am still ahead of the game as we need all we can get to help pay. She was lost in such a big building.
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Oh, Schoff, I'm glad the actual transition is over. I hope she settles down soon. Dreadful, heartbreaking disease.
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Hi M88, thanks for asking. Hubby and I dropped in for about an hour and 20 minutes today. She was very happy to see me, but broke down in tears several times asking if she could please come live with me. It about broke my heart, but I stuck to the story about following doctors orders and wanting the best medical care possible for her. She seemed to like that part.
We sat with her at lunch, but we had already eaten, then we walked in the courtyard a little bit. I brought her a book by her favorite author, one of her cups that she likes to drink her Diet Coke in, and a card that someone mailed to her from back home. When we left I told her we had to go to the office, but that I would be coming to have breakfast with her in the morning, so she liked that....all in all, it was a decent visit.
The caretaker is going to take her to play cribbage tomorrow at the senior center for her first outing, and Wednesday I'm going by to join in the art class with Mom.
I will keep you posted.
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It's so stressful to move into a facility, and with Alzheimer's any changes to normal routine and surroundings can make them act out. My mom yelled and screamed in the lobby that she was higher than all the other people in there. They suggested I leave, and I guess the show was over for a while. They don't always do this, but for some, they suggest you don't visit for one week at first. It's awful, I felt like the worse daughter and I was actually grieving myself. The second week, they suggested we just call. I started to think, what are these people doing? The main nurse who has been there for many years, actually had her own 94 year old mother there with this disease. It seems to be working, a month later, she still asks to go home, that's not going away. She can still converse. The other day my son asked his grandma, "Granny do you like it here?" She said, "Yes!" I was relieved. Get her signed up for activities, my mom goes to painting and ceramics now.
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Msmadge, my mom too wants to elope. When she first was moved she tried to climb a six foot fence even to get out. She got all scraped up but was ok. She required a three day geriatric psych evaluation to figure out what meds were going to work for her. She has now been in memory care for more than a year and her behaviors are still problematic at times, with requests to go home very often. She is doing better but has her moments.
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Update: mom seems to be generally pretty good. Last week she had several angry moments (I wasn't around for any of them) but the staff is learning what her triggers are and they don't seem all that phased. The care giver company is sometimes a problem, only for the fact that they seem reluctant to leave if my mom asks them to go. Saturday they had a fill-in visit mom, and mom was already in a grumpy mood. Mom told the fill-in that if she wasn't going to take her to the gym, she could just leave, and the fill in was persistent--trying to engage Mom, and eventually Mom got so frustrated that she yelled and threw a book at her.
Mom has been nothing but nice to me, other then telling me today that I looked pudgy and asking if I was expecting another baby! UGH!
She has been asking about moving back in with me, and I usually try to avoid the subject if I can. Telling her its memory therapy prescribed by the doctor usually gets me the response of "BS" so the last time she brought it up, how living with me would be better then the "jail" I told her that it really wouldn't be any better....she can't just leave and go do what she wants. Her therapist has been working a lot on that concept with her too, and I believe it's a really hard thing for Mom to accept, if ever.
One thing is for sure, her NOT living in my home has made me a much better person when I am with her, I'm not panicking anymore, my appetite is back to its normal ravenous level, and I am able to enjoy Mom most of the time.
She called a couple nights ago, sobbing and begging to come live with me, which was heartbreaking--but I know it would be a mistake.
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