We went out of town to bury her husband, and now that we are packing to go back, she has suddenly become suspicious that I'm leaving her behind, shipping her off, or "placing her in a sanitarium". The actual plan is that once we get back to town, she will be going to a wonderful place that specializes in memory care...and I have a feeling it's going to be ugly. Trying to stay positive, and I have a long time family member who's actually going with her so there is a familiar face, but now I feel guilty about placing her in that position....my Mom might get really nasty.....I feel bad for my mom too, but honestly there is a part of me that feels resentful that she only cares about herself. She's been kind of self absorbed for years, so it's not entirely the dementia, I just hate being in this position. I don't like being the bad guy, I wish I could make everyone happy, I am a complete wimp when it comes to confrontation. How does she know??? She can sometimes be so clueless and unobservant, why is she sensing it now?
I did as you when mom was moved, stayed out of it and the leaving her there. I dropped her at the door to my two twisted sisters that thought nothing was wrong with mom. That was the worst of it for me. No guilt. I had provided her care 24/7 for four years! Now the sissies turn course they have an entire staff to rely on.
This relative probably "gets it." After all, he/she agreed to step in and save your sanity during the hand-off.
Some elderly parents put on their better behavior -- or some semblance of a filter -- when dealing with those they don't see often. If this is your mother's m.o., make sure the sidekick understands that acting as Proxy Adult Child might expose him/her to new rants.
Hope for the best, JJ. You made a thoughtful plan that addresses everyone's needs. (Take note, I did not say "wants"!) And you are blessed to have a supportive relative working with you.
Deep breath.....and march through it. Keep us posted.
Will keep you all posted.
I hope things go smoothly for you and your mom - let me tell you how blessed you are to have someone help you with the drop off - hopefully this person will continue to visit your mom
I have been truly blessed with a dear friend and a wonderful housekeeper who both visit my mom weekly as I work 50+ hours a week
I hope your mom adapts to the facilty as my mm has not after 5-mos and I've just returned after midnight from trying to settle her down for the night - I have very little good to say about big reputable memory care with nice physical buildings but insufficient care -
I am now in a difficult situation of having to file a grievance but not having an alternative facility for my near 93 year old mom and she can be stubborn and feisty - her short term memory is gone but she knows she's been locked up
Please let us know how it goes and if you have any questions
Staff at the memory place have told me not to come visit until Monday, they want Mom to get used to the routine, the meals, and hopefully make a few friends.
When Mom was nasty to the Family Friend, she kept saying how angry she was at me for not telling her ahead of time. NOT that she would have remembered anyway.
I will continue to keep you posted, in the meantime, I'm catching up on laundry, going to go out to dinner with friends, and going to put in some decent hours at work this week!
I'm pretty certain when she sees me, I will be receiving lots of "take me to your house" so I'm kind of glad I get a week "off" before I have to go face the fire.
Sunnygirl, looks like I will be answering lots of similar "take me home" questions.
Mom had her third full day today at the Memory Care. All three days the caregiver has been with her for about four hours encouraging her to do the activities and meet the other residents. Today I received a good update from the caregiver, but then this evening received a phone call from the evening nurse (this is the first time she's met Mom) and she said that my Mom was upset because she thought I was coming to pick her up this evening.
I explained to the nurse that "I was on a business trip till Monday" which was the recommended time for me to wait till I could go visit. The nurse decided it would be OK to talk to Mom, so this is the first time I've gotten to talk to her.
She sounded pretty pitiful, very confused and kind of sad, but the nurse said afterwards that she seemed better having heard my voice. Mom asked when I was picking her up, and I told her I was out of town and wouldn't see her till Monday -- then we had this long back and forth about what day it was today and how many days till Monday, only to have it three more times. (Mom sundowns worse on some days, today was definitely one of those -- very confused and scared I think)
Mom also said to never let her out of my front door again, she was coming back to live with me. I didn't even try to talk about it, just tried distracting her.
I have a feeling the first few visits are going to be HARD!!!!
In the meantime I've had lunch out with girlfriends and a massage! Yay.
Have to cover for someone at work all day tomorrow (not Yay) and the first Saturday I have free from watching my Mom in two months I get to watch the grandsons! ha! At least the boys don't follow me from room to room.
Does anyone successfully take their parent in memory care for outings? I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to take her out because she might refuse to go back. I'd love to get her back to all her activities: weight training with a trainer at the gym, volunteering at the humane society, playing cribbage at the senior center, going to her weekly AA meetings, and going for walks.
Your mom sounds a lot like mine
After 5- mos of memory care I believe the most difficult time for the residents is after dinner until bedtime - staff is busy putting folks to bed and the pour souls with behavior problems are often left unattended in the common area - my mom spends these hours looking and waiting for me to come home from work - 2-3x a week I go in the evening and help her get ready for bed and stay until she falls asleep
It may be very difficult for you to leave after your visit since she might expect to go with you
I had a made a routine of taking mom out for Sunday dinner and a movie but tw weeks ago she put up a fit and refused to go back in - it was scary but next day I noticed a bruise on her arm that looked like a hand print so I suspect she may have had an encounter with another resident - this is scary for me as the men can feet violent and even the women hit
her mood has improved since and I'm thinking of taking her out this Sunday - I hate the thought of her not being able to leave as after all I placed her there for a better quality of life than a nursing home
she's had a tough few months with a bad fall in her room requiring a trip to the ER and several UTIs -
Let us know how the first visit goes
I spend a fair amount of time there each week keeping an eye on things and getting to know the staff - this isn't easy
Whoah.............sniff sniff............sniff........... meighteight
When you do arrive for your visit, I would take something that you can talk about, since she will likely be asking about leaving, how long, etc. I'd have the short answers ready and the re-directions. I would pull out the magazine or calendar with cute kittens and start pointing to which one was her favorite, how I liked that color blouse on her, show me the tv room, here's a nice snack and do you want it now, etc. Soon, you have lots of things to talk about when leaving comes up.
Another thing that I did was to allow her to believe that she made the right decision to check into rehab. I would praise her for making that decision and tell her that I supported her completely. I think that made her feel more in control. I think she had forgotten that the doctor and I had insisted she enter the place.
I would use caution when taking her from the facility. She could yell and refuse to get back into the car, which would scare me. But, what I did encounter was that she became disoriented and forgot she lived in the facility. She became frightened and asked why she was there. It took a while for me to show her around and get the staff and other residents to comfort her. I will not do that again.
PLEASE tell us how's it going? Would you? I'm concerned and interested, since some day, what you are experiencing will be my turn.
Hugs,
M88
We sat with her at lunch, but we had already eaten, then we walked in the courtyard a little bit. I brought her a book by her favorite author, one of her cups that she likes to drink her Diet Coke in, and a card that someone mailed to her from back home. When we left I told her we had to go to the office, but that I would be coming to have breakfast with her in the morning, so she liked that....all in all, it was a decent visit.
The caretaker is going to take her to play cribbage tomorrow at the senior center for her first outing, and Wednesday I'm going by to join in the art class with Mom.
I will keep you posted.
If mom is happy, we're all happy. (Have you ever heard that saying b4?).
I have the tendency of anticipating the worst case scenario. I need to knock that off.
Thank you for the update, and please let us know how things go.
Thinking of you,
M 8 8
Thanks everyone for all the support, it's been so helpful.
I will let you know how the art class visit goes!
There were a few questions about how long she was supposed to stay, but no crying! Yay! Tomorrow the caregiver takes Mom to the gym to work out with the personal trainer, and I know that will go over well.