He is of sound mind....no dementia. Apparently he has always been one of those guys. He tells me that his last caregiver, who was neglecting him, did all of these sexual things. I have been direct, redirected the conversation, used humor, been serious. I am out of ideas. My last lady was very overtly sexual, but it was because of dementia, and my strategies worked to get us past her impulses.
So who is engaging in inappropriate behaviour, and towards whom, and what has happened exactly?
Just because someone is old does not , DOES NOT, excuse this. By any means. This is the hidden #me too.
A private message.
Well, you're the professional! Normally we'd be asking you for advice... :/
To the middle-aged amateur, e.g. me, it sounds like short-term you've got two options.
1. Adopt a Nurse Ratched strategy.
2. Subcontract male personal caregivers.
In the wider context though, it's actually quite an interesting ethical question.
Possibly not one I'm very comfortable discussing, as it turns out!
But. This is a man whose interest in sexual activity has not waned but who is unable, unaided, to gratify it. What to do?
He is not free to pick on the nearest available breathing female, no. Obviously not. Have you discussed options and possibilities with your professional peers? I'm sure there will have been research and debate, and personally I can accept that this should be an aspect of care that's as important to wellbeing as hygiene and nutrition, but I freely admit that I have no clue what you do about it.
Any family members or professional representatives of his that you can consult?
If you're a private caregiver, I recommend you watch a lot of YouTube videos or other research on how to handle a difficult client. The few times I was home when the caregivers came, I saw how they handled my dad.
1. They joked back to him in the same vein - which I did not feel comfortable with. But obviously outwardly, they did.
2. They sternly corrected him and then changed the subject - usually something that's funny.
3. They ignored his comments and changed the subject.
Overall, from watching them, it was using distractions that got my dad to laugh.
The inappropriate behavior from my (formerly extremely prim/private/proper) loved one ranged from mild to outrageously inappropriate statements and inappropriate to extremely embarrassing conduct. As you can imagine, it was painful to watch this horrifying behavioral/personality transformation with a loved one.
Apparently this brain injury is fairly common with stroke patients. In an effort to help improve my loved one’s situation, I discussed this with many doctors. The doctors told me this would likely be the “new normal.”
As with any severe brain injury, the situation could improve slightly with time and healing. It did improve slightly for my family member, but not completely.
Understand that as this man’s brain is damaged, he no longer has control — don’t take anything he says personally. Please don’t judge him or his family. He simply can’t help it.
I had to grow to accept this - but you don’t!
The good news for you is you are not a family member! You have the choice to leave and should if this behavior is intolerable to you in any way.
But I would document it and tell whoever is in charge of his care he needs some type of intervention. Meds, LTC. If not, they are going to lose aides right and left. Maybe they should see if there are men who can do the shift he needs to be bathed. My daughter has male CNAs at her job.
A stroke is not an excuse for inexcusable behaviour in someone who is not brain damaged in a way that covers behaviour.
Unless the cousin is so terribly elderly and prim that you really can't face it, I wonder if it would be worth making him concentrate and saying okay, let's cut to the chase with this and stop messing about: your relative is highly sexed and it's making him not just a pest but a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen. What are the options?
One option, I have no idea whether it could be done legally or not, might be the obvious. If the gentleman was in the habit of accessing sex workers in the past, for example, could there possibly be a way of finding out more about his preferences and organising visits?
I myself find this more embarrassing than incontinence so I wouldn't blame you if you did too. But on the other hand I am quite sure he wouldn't be the only very elderly gentleman on a reputable escort agency's client list. Maybe he already is.
I think you need to know what the cousin knows. You obviously can't hire hookers for your client, but if it's legal in your state could he?
Problem solved.
If he can walk with a walker, he can use a wet room, or even a shower chair or even a bath cushion at a pinch, and he can wash himself. Who px'd the bed baths three times a week?
Suggest you consider finding another position and that the cousin get a male caregiver to care for him.
You need to establish yourself as the Professional that you are! State honestly that you are there to provide support for him. The sexual advances are unwanted and unexceptable. You may have to excuse yourself as a professional from this case. Be honest with him non threatening and kind.
Tell the family to get him a male caregiver!