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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
This is hard hard hard, but train yourself to shut off all the "wouldda couldda shouldda." Yes, it's agonizing to see our elders acting (and acting out) in ways that are so different from their old selves. But that old self is gone. Whether it's a stroke or dementia or heightened anxiety or drama-for-drama's-sake is immaterial.
If you think mom or dad would fare better if they improved their diet or got out once in a while or changed their living situation or changed their attitude, you're right! And it doesn't matter one damm bit. Because they won't change -- aside from changing for the worse.
Take a calm, thoughtful inventory of their needs vs their wants. Then take a calm, thoughtful inventory of what you can reasonably do (a.k.a. With Boundaries) vs the expectations that are foisted upon you. Prioritze. Whittle it down some more. Now stick with your new, abbreviated list. There are workarounds and other resources for everything else. ("No" is an awesome resource.)
And.....this sounds twisted.....but always give less than you are technically able to give. Leave something in the tank for when the situation gets more dire. You are not just navigating this "new stranger." You are also the target of myriad family, friends and professionals who will try to expand your to-do list. Be strong.
Blackhole, I love your posting. Well said. A good one to read when you've just gotten your butt kicked. "No is a great resource" should be stitched on a pillow.
I hear people say that previous personalities can flip flop: grumpy/sweet sweet/grumpy. in my case: selfless, loving, generous/ complaining, grouchy, diva
Blackhole; Thank you.That is the most helpful advice I've had. I have divorced parents living in separate houses with mental health and mobility needs. Sometimes I just need someone to tell me how to respond to the constant demands. Loads of people churn out bland statements which do not help. Actual practical advice like yours is so welcome and rare.
Diana. you accept the new version out of love for the old one, and usually there are days when you catch a glimpse of the person you once knew. And sometimes it just gets to be too much. If the time comes when the stranger in your home starts to drain your spirit you must consider alternative care, it will be easier to visit than have to deal with it 24/7.
You need to laugh! Can you tease her? "Oh, someone got out on the wrong side of the bed this morning." "Sure I'll get you a glass of water. Right after I wash my hair and go grocery shopping and.... Oh! You want it Now! Why didn't you say so?"
Complain to her in a lighthearted way. "Oh, sure, wait until I sit down before asking. You're such a diva. You're just like the princess and the pea." My husband laughs when he knows he has pissed me off. So I play it up to entertain him.
The basic thing is to choose to be happy. Easier said than done, but it won't happen unless you try. Enjoy that cup of tea. Rejoice when she goes to sleep. Be nicer to her than she deserves, and enjoy being such a noble and admirable person.
Just be there for her. One of the last conversations or answer from my mother was when I asked her my name, and she said her sister's name. She doesn't talk any more, except for "ok". So, just hang in there, and tell her you love her. It doesn't matter shat she calls me. at least she talked.... :( I miss that.
I don't know how old she is, I imagine she is very close to you, mom or close relative....It is never easy. My neighbor's hubby went from gentle giant to angry aggressive..... He passed away....
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If you think mom or dad would fare better if they improved their diet or got out once in a while or changed their living situation or changed their attitude, you're right! And it doesn't matter one damm bit. Because they won't change -- aside from changing for the worse.
Take a calm, thoughtful inventory of their needs vs their wants. Then take a calm, thoughtful inventory of what you can reasonably do (a.k.a. With Boundaries) vs the expectations that are foisted upon you. Prioritze. Whittle it down some more. Now stick with your new, abbreviated list. There are workarounds and other resources for everything else. ("No" is an awesome resource.)
And.....this sounds twisted.....but always give less than you are technically able to give. Leave something in the tank for when the situation gets more dire. You are not just navigating this "new stranger." You are also the target of myriad family, friends and professionals who will try to expand your to-do list. Be strong.
And sometimes it just gets to be too much. If the time comes when the stranger in your home starts to drain your spirit you must consider alternative care, it will be easier to visit than have to deal with it 24/7.
Complain to her in a lighthearted way. "Oh, sure, wait until I sit down before asking. You're such a diva. You're just like the princess and the pea." My husband laughs when he knows he has pissed me off. So I play it up to entertain him.
The basic thing is to choose to be happy. Easier said than done, but it won't happen unless you try. Enjoy that cup of tea. Rejoice when she goes to sleep. Be nicer to her than she deserves, and enjoy being such a noble and admirable person.
Good luck, because it isn't easy.
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