They never cared. Why should I?

DH has finally accepted what I accepted years ago: His mother is a hateful, toxic individual with venom for blood, I swear.

Only took him 69 years to figure out that HE isn't the problem: she is.

He cares for her b/c she is his mother and feels the responsibility of that. But he rarely sees/talks to her and will be so relieved when she dies.

Sadly, she has cut ties with most of the family, OB being one, and hasn't bothered to learn the names of our grandkids, acknowledging the ones that came from my SIL. Ours do not exist, in her realm. She has never seen the youngest 3 and one of them is almost 4.

Some dementia there, for sure, but really? She's just gotten more 'herself' than she ever was and there is no filter.

It's OK to not love someone. We're hardwired to love, I think and it goes against my grain to NOT care for someone. But, even Christ, who said "turn the other cheek' when offended, didn't go on to say "stand there and let them beat you to a pulp".

I don't hate my MIL. I just have learned to feel nothing for her. And hopefully how to be a better MIL myself.

Talk it out in therapy but you are doing what’s needed because if you don’t you’ll possibly second guess yourself once he passes. I’d also ask his dr if any kind of anxiety Rx or other wld help. Mom’s going into Stage 4 Alzheimer’s after 5 years in 3 (lucky). So sweet & yet I emotionally can’t handle it for more than few hours. It’s so hard esp if no money for care. So blessed that a 93 y/o guy lives & takes care of her 24/7; he’s her brain & knows how to take her mind off repetitive talking so she’ll laugh; almost zero memory retention. Dreading inevitable day he passes; no idea at ANY COST who could trustfully care for her as he has all these years.

In your profile you wrote your father is an alcoholic. You should know that YOU can't change your father - only he can do that. Have you ever been to an AL-anon meeting? - I strongly URGE you to consider a meeting - it might be a very useful thing to consider for YOU - for your self-care. 12 step programs teach you ACCEPTANCE of the situation. I am attending ___-anon because of an addiction a LO is powerless over - I have pleaded, nagged, yelled, accused to get LO to stop. Once you give up trying to get the person to change and ACCEPT there is nothing you can do - a weight can be lifted off your shoulders.

Remember the Serenity Prayer:

God, Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference.

Decide what you can do for your father that will actually help him without demanding him to change: with his money - pay his bills, do his shopping; if available set up Meals on Wheels if you have it in your area. Then if he does want to eat something will be available to him. If it doesn't you can always cancel meal delivery.

While you may never know whether he loved you - know that the disease of alcoholism took him over. Maybe he loved you but never knew how to show it. My father's father died just before he turned 4 and the lack of a father/son relationship and being the youngest, having learning disabilities and being told what to do by everyone growing up - even the "hired help" (farm worker from the 1930s when farm life was much less mechanized) messed with him. Dad wasn't abusive - but fathering skills were definitely lacking. I did know dad loved me but sometimes dealing with him was difficult.

At some point when you are ready, forgive your father it will help you to heal and move forward with your life. Forgiving him does not mean what he did was ok - it wasn't. What it does is more for you to release all the hurt and pain you carry around from your dad's actions/inactions. It doesn't come at once. I like to say forgive early and forgive often - as you work on the forgiveness process your will find the hurt and pain lessening and find joy in your life.

I don't want to unduly scare you but having ceased to take his meds and stop eating, he may be entering an end of life phase. As their bodies shut down they no longer really experience hunger and don't eat.

I am sorry for what you are going through but know you are a good daughter, a good wife and good mother. Do what you are able to do and let dad live or die as he desires. I pray that you and your entire family are blessed with grace, peace, and love.

PS: I have learned to do a virtual scream. For me it worked. I am subject to being easily stressed as I suffer anxiety. When at work when things were really going bad to the point all I wanted to do is scream - I would engage my virtual scream - which produces no noise. You take a deep breath, scrunch up your eyes, and shake your head back and forth with your mouth wide open. You can let out your breath or hold it. YES, it looks really weird and made my co-workers laugh (which help break the stress). However if you do it at a stop light your fellow drivers will look at you as if you are nuts. But it did help lessen my anxiety and stress.

Make visits, talk about what you want and leave when you have had enough. He isn't going to change so do what you want to do and don't have any expectations of him.

You shouldn't

Actions have consequences.

Oh, Mycakesnthings, my heart goes out to you. The sadness and desperation in your post shines through.
If you feel like you want to scream, Do It! Go to the basement, or drive away from town, take in a deep breath and SCREAM! A couple times if you need to! It's amazing what a release of tension this can be.
And then go home and tell yourself you are a loving daughter, wife, mother and friend. You cannot fix your father. You cannot make him quit drinking or smoking, or force him to go to the doctor.
But you CAN be accepting of his decisions and understand that he does love you. He just doesn't know how to let you know.
I wish you great peace and acceptance in this very difficult time.

I’m sorry this is such a dark time for you. Sometimes it’s really hard to see the light through so much darkness.

Try not to take your dad’s decision to not take his meds or go to the doctor personally. Sometimes we can’t see beyond our own pain, but perhaps your father has simply had enough. That’s not a slight upon you, or saying that he doesn’t love you.

When my grandmother was ill, the paramedics dropped her and broke her back, paralyzing her. When she was told that she would never go home and she’d have to go into a nursing home, she said she’d rather die. She stopped eating, and quickly deteriorated.

We didn’t take it personally that she wasn’t fighting to live. We just wanted to ease her suffering.

Now, I don’t know your exact situation, but if he’s of sound mind and you can’t see the doctor on his behalf, one way or another, you need to try and make peace.

Imagine I’m whispering this to you, because I’m saying it as gently and tenderly as possible: it’s not all about you. I don’t say this to hurt your feelings or to insinuate that you’re being selfish. Ask him what he needs from you, instead of the other way around.

I think there are people that have no idea how to love. Your Dad maybe an alcoholic for a reason. Something happened in his life. You know we learn to love by receiving it. Maybe Dad never received it so doesn't know how to show it.

I married a man who lost his mother at 10. His father had to go to another State to find work so the State of VA felt he was not able to properly care for the 4 boys and put them in Foster care on a farm. He always felt the family only wanted free labor. He was there till 14 when his Dad had remarried and came and got the boys. My Ex never got along with the step mother. We had a daughter together. When we divorced he allowed her to be adopted by my now husband. He didn't know how to interact with her. He was a weekend drinker. When he retired he told a friend that he was just going to sit in front of his TV and drink all day. And that's how he was found. He had died in the chair, in front of the TV with beer cans all around him from CHF at the age of 69. When my daughter went with her Aunt to the house, she found in the bookcase a picture of herself as a child. She asked me "do you think he really loved me" Its a shame he didn't know her. She is like him in many ways.

Let your Dad go the way he wants to go. He may be passed any help. Just be there for him.

You say in your profile that among other things, your father is an alcoholic. He most likely won't get any help for that, but you certainly can, by attending Al-Anon meetings in your area. They are most likely still meeting on Zoom, and can help you better understand the disease of alcoholism. As with any kind of addiction, the "drug" of choice will always come before any family member or friend.
Your father has made his choices in life, and now he is dealing with the consequences. It has nothing to do with you.
You may just have to let him deal with his choices on his own, and love him from afar. That will probably be healthier for you in the long run. You don't owe your father anything, and you can't fix years of abuse and neglect. The only thing you can do is to forgive him, and move on with your life.
You are not alone. Your heavenly Father loves you more than anyone ever could, and He is right by your side. He will never leave you nor forsake you. So rest in that knowledge, and start taking care of yourself. God bless you!

I agree with "acceptance". You seem to keep wanting your dad to be someone he never was and never will be. Good advice has been given to you by others who have lived the same experience about how to move through this in a healthier way. May you gain clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart.

Give yourself the gift of acceptance. Accept that your dad isn’t going to change. Accept that his choices are wholly owned by him. Accept that he only wants your help on his terms. Then decide what’s best for you and your own family. Guarding your own physical and emotional health is always wise. I’m sorry the situation isn’t what you want it to be, but it simply isn’t and it’s now time to decide how to handle in going forward. I wish you peace

I think you should stop spending so much time trying to make your father do things that he can only do for himself.

Accept his right to make his own choices and to take the consequences of those choices. Your spending time away from your home and family is not going to change your father's decisions, it's only going to make you stressed and miserable.

He is a grown man. He smokes, he drinks, he has heart disease (which will also do a number on his mental state and motivation) which he does nothing to address, and his life will - I'm afraid I have to agree with you - therefore be cut shorter than it needs to be. But all of this is *up to him.*

Organise your time and your father's resources to provide whatever practical support is clearly of help to your father. You can make sure his household is running efficiently - laundry, groceries, security, bills. You can make sure that he has help with personal care and transport to appointments when he wants it, for example. You can encourage him to engage with medical professionals and therapists.

But limit the time you spend with him socially and emotionally (so to speak) to what *you* feel able to cope with. He will take all you have, he's not going to reject any offer you make, but it isn't going to make any difference to the outcome. Don't make sacrifices that don't help him.

Very importantly, none of this means that you can't or shouldn't sympathise with him. He probably feels dreadful, and I'm sorry for that even at my distance from him (worlds away). I quite often meet clients who feel that they're not entitled to feel down or sad or even ill because "it's all my own fault," - they mean because they smoked or drank or took drugs or didn't lose weight or didn't look where they were going on the road or whatever it is - but I think this is terribly wrong. We caregivers, of whatever sort, are there to offer support, kindness, encouragement, practical help and in your case love. *How* the person got to where he is isn't relevant. There he is, and you can sympathise with how he's feeling regardless of the reasons for it. BUT without making the mistake of thinking that it's your responsibility! It isn't. It isn't your doing, and it isn't for you to judge either.

It must be the early hours of the morning where you are - what's been happening this evening that led you to post?