Mom (74 y/o) moved in with me 8 months ago. We all thought she had dementia. Now, I'm pretty sure it's severe depression. She swears she doesn't have either.
A little history...Mom was never a Leave it to Beaver mom. Mom was selfish and uninterested in her kids, grandkids or great grandkids. She's always been very needy, too, running from man to man since my father passed. She only wanted to talk about herself and her men. About 7 years ago, she lived with me for a few months. She tried online dating and seemed very happy dating several men at once. She would brag, "All these men are interested in me!" She even moved to Fla once to live with a man she'd never met. Mom was ALWAYS very concerned about her appearance and what people thought about her, and she would brag about how much money she had. My dad left her with more than enough money and investments to live on. She's gone through all of it and has nothing now.
She moved into my nephew's finished basement for 3 yrs. After a little while, she stopped going to church and the only place she went was to the grocery store or a restaurant. She stopped showering and caring about how she looked. Then, she moved in with me. She's always lived with one of her family members since my dad passed in 1997. He was 60, and she was 55 then.
She always struggled with her weight and now is very overweight. She doesn't care what she eats. She won't eat good food that I prepare. Instead, she'll go to fast food drive-thru's in her nightgown and bring it home. She has difficulty walking and moans and groans all the time. Although, she doesn't make the noises when I have company. She lies in bed when she isn't smoking on the porch or reading. She doesn't even watch TV anymore. I try to engage her in conversation, but she talks very little or ignores me. That's it. I have to wash her clothes and bed linens, clean her bathroom and bedroom and do all of the shopping. I can't 'not clean' or the house starts smelling because of her incontinence.
She refuses to see a doctor. It's maddening to watch all of this. I'm a single 51 y/o just starting nursing school, and I feel helpless. A friend who has sat with dementia patients her entire life came to visit. She talked with Mom (or tried to) for a good while. She told me Mom doesn't have dementia, she's depressed. Is there any way to make her see a doctor? She needs depression meds but is in denial.
The important thing is that mom needs a physical exam. She could have low B12, thyroid problems or a host of other conditions that are treatable. Tell her needs to have a physical or Medicare will drop her. Do anything you need to, but get her to see an MD or Nurse Practitioner soon.
She sounds like she has some very long-term behaviors that may or may not be from some kind of personality disorder. But whatever is going on, the only thing you can do is get her out of your home if she doesn't see a doctor and/or clean up and act like a responsible adult. You can only do so much with the leverage you have. If she refuses to see a doctor, you need to stick to your guns and have your mom leave and figure out what her next step is.
This is your house, right? "Mom, I'm very concerned about your health. I'm going to have to insist that you have a physical by the end of the month. Othereise, you'll have to make arrangements to live elsewhere. I can't risk being taken to court for neglecting your health. They passed a new ordinance about that recently. " It's a start.
Look, this is not going to work out, because it very much soundscas though your mom mentally ill. Finding her a senior apartment is probably the best thing to do.
It sound like your mom may not be competent to sign a Power of Attorney at this point. I hope you already have it and Healthcare POA, so you can act on her behalf.
And here are a ton of videos about how diet, music, and exercise can help depression: http://nutritionfacts.org/?s=depression They're worth watching as well!! Good luck and please keep us posted on how your mom is doing.