How should I handle situation where I was threatened with criminal prosecution when my Dad portrayed me as elder abuser and meddler?

Wow. Just w.o.w.

You should remain detached from him. Me personally? I'd have no further dealings with him at all, in writing or otherwise. If you must, send him best-wishes greeting cards signed only "With Love." When the AAG gets involved, it's time to take it very, very seriously. If you don't detach, if you continue writing to him, in my opinion, it's only a matter of time before he claims harassment or some other false charge against you.

When you beat your head against a wall...guess what? It hurts. Stop doing it. Now.

I tried to imagine what I would do in your situation. I think I would resign as successor and include an honest reason why I was resigning. Then I would let my father and mother know in writing that I would have liked to keep contact with them, but under the circumstances I feared the false accusations would lead to trouble for me. Then I would cut ties until a friendly door was opened for me to walk through. This would have to be a door I could come through without any legal responsibilities for either of them. They are your mother and father, but you do not owe them your reputation and possible legal action.

I wondered if your father has dementia. Some of the things people with dementia come up with sounds so much like what your father did.

I like Jessie's answer much better than mine. Especially like "...until a friendly door was opened for me to walk through."

So, I'll just say: "I second that motion." Great advice.

these old people can be mean. I would hire someone like an attorney to protect myself.

Yes, I too would resign. If you have an over zealous AAG you need to think about your future, and keeping your record clean. Make sure you notify the proper authorities of the resignation so they cannot then accuse you of abandonment.

I know that they're your parents but I would cut all ties - including your mother. Unfortunately, he has it in against you. You stop writing, he will complain that you abandoned him even though he started it. If something goes wrong, he will say that you have POA and you're shirking your responsibility. I'd listen to your lawyer. Like Glad said, once an AG is involved, it's time to for you to seriously think how close you are to being charged. Right now, she doesn't have enough to go on to charge and extricate you from out of state. But if you keep communicating with your father, you're pushing your luck. You've been given a warning by your father, by the AG, by your lawyer. Open your eyes to the reality and please listen to your lawyer. Back off - completely.

P.S.. about that open door... if your father has dementia, and is two-faced (one way to you, and another to others)- he can sincerely tell you that he's sorry, he misses you, etc... and then when you come to visit, Wham! He accuses you again. I'd be very, very careful about that 'open door.'

"Very carefully" was going to be my answer to your headline question. But this is no occasion for flippancy.

Where is your mother now? And have I got this right: the current situation is that you have POA for your mother, which your father has resigned to you as his successor on the original document, and your father therefore has no further official involvement in her care. What happened with the investigation into her facility's manager?

Your father, meanwhile, is sitting in his own place playing silly buggers with his local authorities, among whom is this officious lady who thinks she's sunk her teeth into a juicy Protection of Vulnerable Adults bone and is having a high old time with it at your financial and emotional expense. Oh thank God for welfare regulation, eh!

As regards your father, I would be guided by your lawyer who sounds as if he might as some point have had contact with the normal human world. Cool! - where did you find him? Can you have him cloned and distributed, please? Oh, and what kind of communications have you, in the past, had with his facility's staff? I realise that he is their main concern and their responsibility is to him, but if you had a good relationship with them prior to this they may be important witnesses to the reality of your behaviour. Which would be a comfort.

As regards your mother, it depends on what's going on with her now.

As regards yourself, one or two things. Your father has hurt you very deeply, over a long, long time. But you *know* why, and you *know* it's nothing you've done wrong: it's not even personal. Hey, from his point of view, this is fun! He is, bluntly, a head case. Pity him. And stay away from him until you feel ready to express any residual love you may have. The other thing is that you are handling this with really exceptional aplomb and should give yourself credit for enormous sensitivity, intelligence and focus on the things that matter. Take a medal.

This is tricky. My answer hinges on whether you can safely continue to long distance caregiver for your mom while having absolutely no contact with dad. Does he control funds. If the answer is no, I'd have my lawyer (not you) write a letter to dad resigning any poa or responsibility you have to him but indicating that you intend to continue caring for mom. But frankly, if your mom's dementia is at the point where she no longer knows you, I would resign as poa from both (again, through the lawyer) and terminate contact. Your dad sounds like he has some sort of organic brain disease in addition to whatever mental illness and or dementia is going on. I would not risk ending up in jail.

Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate your insights. It gives me great comfort to know that I have taken the right path with my dad. I'm going to put my replies into a few posts because of their length. First: When my dad executed the successor POA part of my mom's medical POA, he refused to go to his estate attorney and make it legal by putting it in writing despite my pleas to do so. He told me that a legal agreement was just as good as one in writing, which my atty indicated to be true. So, it became my dad's word against mine and the AAG and her thugs (police elder abuse detective, people from adult protection services (APS), others from the AG's office) chose to believe my dad without even investigating or verifying his statements. My atty told me that it's very, very common for medical personnel and caregiving staff/facilities to go to the person named as successor POA, even when there has been no official resignation by the principal POA, in cases where either the principal isn't available (e.g., out of the country) or they just can't deal with the principal. The latter was the case with my dad and drs no longer wanted to deal with him because of his pathological behavior. Given my mom's various needs, her various medical conditions that needed attention and continued maintenance, and the fact of those involved with her care not being able to deal with my dad and often enlisting my help as the daughter, I felt that my dealing with my mom's immediate needs was of a higher priority than trying to motivate my dad to put the successor POA in writing. Even before my dad had executed the successor POA, I had told him that I live too far away to do it but that I would give him guidance and provide info. to care giving staff and medical personnel on things that he didn't know or remember that would help these people better care for my mom. Then, one of his close associates contacted me to tell me that my dad wasn't capable of performing the POA duties and that he was struggling with it and that she thought I needed to take it over. I still held with living too far away, but this person had already advised my dad to talk with me about it, which he did shortly thereafter. Even the staff at my mom's first care home told me that my dad told them that he wished I would just take over the whole thing with my mom's care because he couldn't handle it. My dad is an extreme narcissist who can never be seen as doing anything wrong. He goes to great lengths to portray himself as a nice little old man who is innocent and is everyone else's victim, rather than vice versa. The AAG, who very likely didn't even bother to look at the POA document, declared that I had committed a crime by acting as my mom's medical POA and then threatened me with criminal prosecution with no legal basis. When I told her of my dad's and my verbal agreement and that he asked me to do the POA on the basis of his not being able to handle the job, the AAG very strongly implied that I was lying and told me that my dad had stated that he was perfectly capable of handling the job and had been all along-- which, from my perspective, is an implication that I had coerced him into handing it over to me, which isn't true at all. Then the AAG went on to accuse me of the meddling and tell me that my dad had told authorities that even though he loves me, he's very afraid of me, afraid to make me mad at him, and afraid of what will happen if I get mad at him-- i.e., portraying me as a meddler and an abuser. Given that I have never had an encounter with any legal system, let alone an AAG, I was totally terrified and traumatized by her bullying and intimidation. When I called my dad right after the phone call with the AAG and told him of her threats and accusations and that they had been a result of his telling her these things, he didn't deny that he had made any of those statements. In fact, he admitted to not telling authorities of our verbal agreement but refused to tell me why he hadn't told them and only used a deflective technique for the other accusations--- e.g., in a very dismissive tone of voice "why would I be afraid of you? After all, you're my daughter." If he really hadn't made those statement, I believe that he would have strongly denied them. Given that he didn't, I know that he said those things. I also believe that his main motivation was to get pity for himself and that, as usual, he gave no forethought to the impact that these types of statements could have. Because of the nature of the AAG's threats and accusations and that I didn't want to be once again bullied and intimidated by her I asked my dad to put into writing permission for me to call and talk to my mom, visit her, and ask staff how she was doing, none of which was necessary according to my atty because I'm a family member. But, because the verbal POA agreement had resulted in the threats of criminal prosecution, I wasn't about to trust any verbal permission my dad gave to my mom's facility staff and told my dad that. But my dad kept stubbornly refusing to put any permission into writing. As a result, I sent an email to the head of the memory unit where my mom had been placed by the AAG, enlisting her help in having my dad write the permission. Instead of responding to my email to inform me that she couldn't do this, the memory unit head went directly to the AAG and told her of my email. I have no idea what this memory unit head told the AAG or if she even forwarded my email request to the AAG. But, I then received an email from the AAG once again accusing me of meddling into my mom's life and trying to act as the POA and once again threatening me with criminal prosecution, without even seeking to understand or ask me what I was asking. That's when I retained an attorney. To answer the question of where I found this attorney, I called the local office of the atty that I use for my own legal stuff (e.g.., estate planning, refinancing mortgages). Because this was an out-of- state situation and none of the attys in that office have a license to practice law in my dad's state, an elder law atty in that office gave me the name and phone number of the atty in my dad's state who has alot of experience in elder law, estate planning, etc. I first Googled this atty to determine her ratings and reputation. After seeing that both were pretty highly rated, I contacted her.

I realize that you're not finished writing, but I want to say this. The minute my mother in law said she was going to call the authorities and report my husband (her son) for elder abuse because he was bullying her (explaining to her that smoking was going to worsen her COPD), he stepped out of the situtation and let others care for her. He would have done this even if he'd been an only child.

rr4terps, I would send a letter (have your attorney proofread it) to the AAG agreeing to sever all ties and stop acting as POA, providing the AAG arrange for a Guardian Conservator to be appointed in that jurisdiction, someone who is supervised by the courts. The court psychiatrist will establish the patient is delusional, quite quickly. Also request that any future visitation be supervised. (make sure you stay away until he is properly medicated) You WANT supervised visitation to protect YOURSELF. Heck, I would even want a nanny cam, because pictures don't lie.

Continuing on with my response: I realize now that I should have contacted my dad's estate atty when he refused to have his atty put the successor POA in writing and should have enlisted her help in working with my dad to make it official. Unfortunately, I had no experience or guidance in dealing with elderly parents and I stupidly trusted my dad because, up to that point, he had given me no reason to distrust him. Also of note is that my dad doesn't get along with many people, has alienated many (including his entire extended family over many years), and anyone who confronts him with his behavior or doesn't agree with him is immediately pushed away or fired, as was the case with my mom's very first care manager who allegedly filed a report with APS against my dad because of his mentally and verbally abusive behavior toward my mom and the concern that it would escalate to physical abuse. The AAG didn't bother to investigate or verify my dad's mental status. In fact she and the elder abuse detective showed a deplorable lack of understanding of elderly people and the fact that even someone who presents themselves as being mentally with it may in fact be mentally ill and have a degree of dementia. What they also don't understand is that dementia covers a very wide range of things and isn't limited to memory problems. It also encompasses the distorted perception of reality that occurs as an elderly person's brain shrinks with age. This was certainly the case with my dad. He has so successfully been able to manipulate non-family members into believing that he's mentally stable that these people have closed their eyes to anything else dealing with my dad and only listen to and believe his side of the story. This even includes the estate atty he went to to write me out of his part of the family trust. When the AAG, elder abuse detective, and the rest of their thugs walked into my dad's apartment to talk with him, red flags should have gone up all over the place about his mental status because it was an absolute shrine to himself with plaques and trophies and certificates plastered all over the place singing his praises. And, when he turned a conversation focused on my mom to being all about himself, using his manipulative techniques of garnering pity to get the pity of the authorities, they shouldn't have allowed themselves to fall for this. If they were competent in their jobs, they would have known how to deflect this and stay objective and stick with the subject (i.e., my mom). One of my dad's neighbors in his facility even immediately recognized that my dad is a head case as soon as she walked into his shrine to himself. In fact, she told me that I should just go home and live my life and forget about my dad. Because he had portrayed me as a meddler, I won't even take the risk to talk with his Psychiatrist whom he's seeing for depression. I have reason to believe that he's even pulled the wool over this shrink's eyes about his true mental status. When my dad is confronted or challenged, he also immediately starts bad mouthing the object of his anger and airing his dirty laundry in the community he lives in. This equates to slander in my books and goes back many, many years to even before he retired and moved to his current city. Interestingly, nobody has sued him for slander--- maybe because they figure they won't get anywhere because he is well known in his community for his volunteer work and has high standing. Based on my interactions with several of my dad's associates, his primary care physician, and even staff at some of the senior facilities he's lived at and the disrespectful way in which several of them have treated me, I know that he has bad mouthed me and has led them to believe that I'm a bad person because I, too, have confronted him with his behavior toward my vulnerable mom (and even before she became demented) and have questioned him on some decisions he has made, stating my concerns to him that these decisions weren't in my mom's or his best interests and could lead to negative consequences for both of them. So, I shouldn't be surprised that when authorities went to his apt to talk with him, he would also bad mouth me to them, as well. Problem is that he did so without forethought to the negative impacts to both my mom and me (I'll explain in another post). And, while he's very good at leading people to believe that he's mentally very with it, he also is very adept at playing the elder card and pretending that he doesn't understand things. I have strong reason to believe that my dad knows exactly why I have detached from him and that he's very ashamed of what he did, but won't admit it to me. Instead, he's playing the elder card pretending he doesn't understand, even though I told him the exact result of his statements to the AAG and about her resulting accusations and threats immediately after my phone call with the AAG, and have also, at a very high level explained to him in several of my notes without pointing a finger at him why I have to limit communications with him to writing. I've let him know in these notes that I very much care about him and am concerned about his health, safety and welfare. I've also let him know that his support system there can certainly contact me if they have concerns about him in these areas. I also scan each note into my computer before sending it so I have proof of what I wrote to him. I've also encouraged him to keep in communication with me, something he has refused to do. Instead, he has told people he has disowned me for being friends with my mom's alleged abuser (this is totally untrue) because he doesn't want to be seen as not being the one to have initiated the detachment action, and people unfortunately are believing him. The sad part is that these people have been so manipulated by my dad that their perceptions and common sense are clouded. He has stupidly lashed out with his claims of his having disowned me and then following through by going to his estate atty. Basically, he has deluded himself into believing that he's not the culprit here and that I didn't willy-nilly just decide to detach from him. What's also deplorable to me is that his estate atty, who supposedly is very good at filtering out mental status, has declared that his mental capacity is fine and that he knows what he's doing. She hasn't even sought to find out what's behind his action. So typical because nobody in that community has bothered or been willing to ever hear my side of the story. My atty feels that there may be some undue influence by someone/multiple people who have a vested interest in my dad's assets. My atty also told me that the standard for proving mental capacity is very low--- basically, you just have to know your name, what day it is, where you are, know family member's names. But, it take into account mental illness and delusional behavior. Naturally, I'm angry about what my dad has done to me, but have no recourse to right it either with the AG's office or with his estate atty. It's a done deal. My atty had had the occasion to talk with another AAG about the bullying and intimidation by the other AAG and had also, several times during the conversation, strongly stated that she wanted this incident escalated right up the supervisory chain to the very top (i.e., the state's AG). The AAG my atty spoke with was very upset by how I had been treated, but nothing has been done because the AG's office and AAG lost their case. It never went to trial, but the judge at the hearing saw right through the AAG. Unfortunately, nobody made him aware of her bullying and intimidation of a family member. My atty told me it would be like fighting city hall to bring a lawsuit against the AAG and the elder abuse detective and that I'd get nowhere except to incur high legal fees. So, I've had to live with the anger associated with all of this. My atty is very honest and she's aware that legal fees can go pretty high, so doesn't want me investing money on lawsuits that are losing battles and end up just being money pits. Basically, I have to choose my battles. My atty also believes that the AAG will eventually be caught and have the book thrown at her so hard that her head will be spinning. I can only hope for this and that it leads to her being indicted and disbarred, along with spending a long time behind bars in an orange jumpsuit. Interestingly, 8 mos. after my dad portrayed me as a meddler, when the AAG showed up at his doorstep with a video camera to record his statements about my mom's care manager having financially defrauded my dad, despite the AAG doggedly trying to coerce my dad into saying he had been defrauded, he wouldn't cave in and told the truth both that my mom's care manager didn't defraud him and that I had never meddled into his finances or other affairs. Granted, the only reason he told the truth was to save his own butt and not because he gives a hoot about me. Once recorded on camera coming directly out of his mouth, he wouldn't be able to deny having said those things. It's so unfortunate that legal authorities, from police detectives all the way up to AAGs/AGs and even judges, are so appallingly lacking in understanding of elder needs and functioning. I think that there should be requirements for training and certification and some pretty strict guidelines for these people before they're even allowed to participate in an abuse investigation (I think this pertains to both elderly and other vulnerable individuals no matter what age). I'm actually thinking about talking with one of my state legislators to discuss this. But right now, my head is spinning with all of the events that have happened. I'm still wondering how the heck I became a victim of a legal system and how I could allow myself to have been manipulated by my severely mentally ill dad into believing that he would remain loyal to both my mom and me. Boy, family dynamics can sure be complicated, especially when mental illness is involved.

As for my mom's current status: She passed away a month after being forcefully and traumatically moved from her familiar one-on-one
caregiving environment to a memory unit at the facility my dad was at (he was in the independent living unit) where it was 1:8 or 1:10
care giving. She basically starved herself to death because she didn't want to be there. Years ago, she confided to me that she couldn't
stand my dad, but couldn't leave him out of a sense of loyalty. So, I can imagine that she wasn't real happy at his 5 or more times a day
visits. Plus, I was told by someone that my dad truly didn't understand my mom's dementia and was saying and doing things that weren't
appropriate (which had been the case even before this). After my dad having told authorities that I had coerced him into handing over my mom's medical POA, my mom's new care manager contacted me to tell me that my dad was incapable of doing this job and that he admitted it and wanted me to take it over again and be totally involved again. I refused, telling the care manager that my dad is now completely on his own to deal with my mom's care and do the medical POA duties and that I won't help in any way. I explained to her about the threats and accusations and that my dad had been the cause and that I wouldn't risk any more accusations, bullying, intimidation, or being arrested and jailed on false premises. I have a clean legal slate and have no intentions of allowing my dad to sully that. I have more to write, but have some errands to run, so will continue at a later time. One reason I'm posting this stuff, in addition to getting feedback because I'm conflicted as to whether I'm taking the right path, is also to make people aware of the horrible problems their elderly parents can cause them and the horrible consequences, both legally and in terms of familial relationships. If this helps just one person, I'll feel like something good has come out of my experience.

I'm so sorry to hear that your mother passed away. How terribly sad, and especially sad how it came about.

The profound ignorance of the AAG and the investigating officer are, I'm sorry to say, no big surprise. I no longer even turn a hair when nurses, GPs, OTs and even social workers give me their potted definition of dementia and have it most wondrously WRONGGGGGG!!! I just sigh briefly, smile if I'm up to it, and recommend they skip through a layman's guide to the various types.

Patience, patience, patience… Perhaps we need some kind of leaflet that we can hand to these people with a gentle smile and request that before we continue any discussion they have a quick read of it.

It doesn't help that dementia comes, of course, on top of any existing problems with mental health and/or personality. One of my mother's less attractive characteristics - I remind myself not to blame, but to try to understand her - is her sideways approach to getting her way. She wants me to do something. Does she ask me? No. She will despairingly tell one of my siblings about it. Sibling will naturally assume that I have obstructed this wish, although usually the first I've heard of it is when they then - understandably - storm in all guns blazing and demand to know why mother is being deprived of xyz. "Er, because she didn't mention she wanted it…" You'd think we'd all be wise to it by now, but she's so (literally) pathetic in her manner that it is hard not to believe that she is too sad or frightened to stand up for herself.

It's this desire to have whomever they're speaking to "on their side" above all, regardless of the actuality of whatever they're describing. A straight story, a clear request, a rational argument you never get. So your father, RR4, couldn't possibly admit "I'm becoming too frail and tired to cope with my wife's admin." That would make him look either weak or lazy. So there had to be a reason that didn't reflect poorly on him. I know! "My daughter insisted. I didn't want to hand over, but she Made Me."

I'm gritting my teeth thinking of it. It's incensing, but - as so often - if you try to see it through his eyes there is a form of logic to it, which at least makes it understandable if no less frustrating and problematic. No thought to the consequences, of course: his priority was for everyone to think he was brave and wonderful and a brilliant husband and loyal to his daughter even though she is such a control freak blah blah blah.

Ugh. This is a good heads-up. I'm looking forward to hearing more.

The only other thing I can think of is that an "assistant attorney general [who] is very arrogant and cannot be reasoned with" has a boss who might view things differently given a little evidence. This happens at DCFS a lot - you go to a supervisor with well-founded concerns about mishandling of a case, and suddenly the screwups get fixed and what needs to be done is done.

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom under these circumstances. That was so wrong!

Do exactly what your lawyer said. Don't be tempted to send your father any gifts or letters because you're feeling sorry for him, or because you think you "ought" to.
If he's as screwed up as you say he is, he'd enjoy watching you go down in flames, while he's getting sympathy for being a poor, abused old man.

Uh, I'm tempted to say "after all that, why would you want to have anything to do with this nasty old man?" The sentimental answer "he is my dad" really is not enough in this kind of destructive situation. You have certainly tried to meet your filial responsibilities, but there are "parents" out there and your dad is one of them, who are really not parents in any meaningful sense and not capable of a loving relationship with their children, or with anyone else for that matter. Since your dad is in a facility and being cared for, you have no further responsibility and would be well advised to just stay clear. Should guardianship become necessary, let the state do it.

I agree - stay away from your father. Have any contact go through your attorney, not directly from you. You've tried to help and you only got grief in return. Time to let dad handle his own affairs, or the state if he's unable.

It's not wrong of you. There's no right or wrong in this situation. Mental illness is a tough thing to deal with. No matter what you do, you're not going to feel good about it. I totally understand your feelings that you should be compassionate toward your Dad, despite what he's done. On the other hand, you do also have to think of yourself and the fact that you could end up with big legal bills.

This isn't going to be something anyone can answer for you. You're going to have to make a plan, sleep on it, and see if you still feel it's something you can live with, do it, and just make peace with yourself over it.

Check ease dropping statutes in your state. For example in Missouri, it is legal to record a phone conversation that you are personally involved in without telling the person at the other end. California it is not legal to record, without telling them. Make sure to mention the date and time on your recording, or have equipment that has a date and time stamp built in and correlate the recordings with long distance phone bill. Your inexpensive digital recorders have these features already and usb to PC storage. Especially Record the Attorney General. If your using a Cell phone when calling your Dad make arrangements with your provider to get monthly call records.. Protect yourself always. Then when the attorney general calls you again, ask her what day are we talking about here? Tell her I record everything its legal in my state and I correlate my outbound calls to my dad with the recordings to my phone bill, oh and by the way I'm recording you too right now!. So what would you like, the last months calls to dad? Businesses always have tell you they are recording, but personal phone calls, its not always the case, it depends on your state statutes. The quickest way to find out if its legal in your state, is call your local police department, they are in the habit of recording everything and they know the rules that apply. Then communicate with your dad without fear and attorney fees. Communicate with the care faculty the same way. Get the respect you require from your dad and the state.

I don't have any amswers but i wanted to let you know that I believe you. I'm going to speak tp legal aid tommorrow i want to have some one 'in my corner'.This is exactly the type of situation I'M in.Except i'm not blood related.

I'm a friend he took in.He had me fooled to,had me believing all these horrible things.NOW i know why they cut him off. And now i'm the recipient of his abuse and lies. He has the authorities trying to throw me out of here.He never asked me to move, even said he was glad i'm here.But when i made the mistake of telling his doctor about his memory issues,he went to the A.P.S. and told them i'm always yelling at him and abusing him and that i told him i would not move out and all sorts of lies. I'm disabled from cancer surgery and not working these people are ready to throw me out on the streets and talking to me like i'm some horrible person.What you said about your dad's mental issues and narcissitic ways are exactly like this guy. Your story could be mine except for a few things. I'm really sorry you are in this mess.I KNOW what you are going through.I've looked after for 6 years now this!.

Continuing with my previous post, here's the rest of the story, which I'll put in multiple posts because I don't know what the character limit is for a post:
The authorities didn't like that I refused to jump on their bandwagon, especially because nobody had personally witnessed what had caused a small cut on the corner of my mom's lip. There was also the fact of the timing of the report made by two caregivers to the police and their apparent motives in making the report. First, one of them was upset at the care manager because she (caregiver) hadn't been given the number of caregiving hours she wanted. The number of hours she was asking for were excessive and I had directed the care manager not to give the caregiver (or any other caregiver) that many hours given how labor intensive the job was (my mom wasn't helping the caregivers to transfer her, so she was basically a dead weight, which is physically very tiring for a caregiver). I was concerned that working so many hours at such a physically demanding job could result in physical exhaustion to the point of it becoming a safety issue for both my mom and the caregiver. The other caregiver wasn't doing her job and was often late getting my mom to appointments or to visits with my dad, something he complained to me about. The caregivers told police that they had suspected abuse 2 weeks before making the report to police. Yet, they waited to file the police report until later on the same day that the care manager read the riot act to the one caregiver and informed the other
that she wasn't getting the hours she demanded. I made my suspicions very clear to both the APS person I spoke with and also to the elder abuse detective. The APS person even told me that she had told the caregivers that they could be held responsible for having waited so long to report the abuse and leaving my mom in potential danger for 2 weeks. They pleaded ignorance, saying that they didn't know what to do--- complete BS in my book. Furthermore, the one caregiver had made statements to me that she felt that we didn't need the care manager and that she (this caregiver) could do the job just as well, if not better. However, the care manager is an RN and the caregiver is not. So, I realized right away that this caregiver's motive was purely financial--- get a higher salary by taking over as care manager. But, she didn't have the medical background or expertise like the care manager, as an RN, has to take care of/address my mom's many medical needs and act as a liaison between my mom's drs and the caregivers to make sure those needs were adequately and appropriately met. There was no way I was going to let a caregiver without the medical background that the care manager has take over. I was very open in expressing my opinion to both the APS person and the detective that we were dealing with disgruntled employees whose motives were purely financial. And, I also expressed my displeasure to the detective about the caregivers having left my mom exposed for 2 weeks before filing the report. To further add to this situation, the one caregiver took a cellphone video of my mom allegedly saying she had been abused. The video was taken without my family's or my mom's
consent (my mom didn't have the mental wherewithal to understand that she had a right to refuse to be videotaped) in the privacy of her bedroom while she was in bed. My mom's other cargivers who saw the video told me that my mom didn't name anyone and just said she had been hit. I made it very clear to the detective that because nobody had personally witnessed the abuse, I didn't want false accusations or assumptions to cause my mom unnecessary trauma. The detective initially agreed with me about the disgruntled employees and stated that maybe it was time to get some new ones. She also told me that she didn't see anything that raised her suspicions about abuse, that even
if my mom named someone specific they couldn't use that to charge anyone because of my mom's dementia, and that she (detective) was likely going to close the case but needed to check one more thing. I believe that the one more thing was to talk with the caregivers, who as the drama queens they are, were able to put on a good act of crying like they really cared about my mom and to lie. A few weeks later, the detective completely reversed everything she had told me previously and informed me that she had enough evidence to arrest the care manager. I asked her on what basis she had enough evidence and was told that on the basis of the cellphone video alone, she had enough to arrest the care manager. I brought up the fact that cellphone videos can be doctored to make an injury look worse than it is and that the video could also be
turned off, my mom coerced to say stuff, then turned back on as my mom was making statements that she had been hit. I asked the detective if her police department had a forensics photography division. She told me that they do, and I then asked her why that hadn't been used to take pictures of my mom's mouth (it's likely because by that time, the cut was totally healed) and told her that I would believe a photo from Forensics before I would believe a cellphone video taken by an obviously disgruntled employee. When the detective told me
that my mom had named the care manager, I knew she was lying to me because, while my mom recognized her caregivers and the care manager,
she didn't know their names (plus, the other caregivers who had seen the video had already told me that my mom hadn't named anyone). The detective told me that I needed to name the one caregiver as my mom's care manager. This is the caregiver who had told me she could do a better job than the care manager. At that point, I realized that either the detective was such a stupid idiot that she had fallen for the caregiver's BS or that she was in cahoots with the caregiver, or both-- I'm going with the latter. I subsequently did a Google search of cellphone videotaping and found a statute in the state my parents live/lived in that specifically says that cellphone videos can't be taken without a person's permission and particularly not in the privacy of their bedroom while they're in bed. I also know that there are federal laws prohibiting taking of cellphone videos without permission. I then phoned the detective and told her this and gave her the statute number in her state. I told her that the caregiver had committed a crime. The detective hesitated, then got nasty with me asking me
"You want me to investigate those caregivers now?" When I said "yes", she told me I'd have to do it myself. The detective also told me that she had gotten the AAG involved. After that, I was completely left out of the loop, but one of the caregivers informed me that a search warrant had been issued for my mom's apartment. This was unnecessary drama that I believe was just for the AAG's own purposes for her to flex her muscle. My thoughts about the AAG and the detective cannot be put into print here because my language to describe these
people wouldn't be appropriate for this post. They created unnecessary trauma and drama for my mom and it took its toll on her.

The care manager was arrested solely on the basis of the cellphone video--- a video of a demented woman saying she had been hit. And, even though my mom's care manager was incarcerated and therefore posed no threat to my mom and the detective told me that none of the caregivers were suspect and my mom was fine with them, my mom was traumatically removed from her apartment and put into protective custody overnight in a local hospital before being moved to the memory unit of my dad's facility. If the authorities had had the decency to tell me of their plans before taking the actions they did, instead of being so paranoid that I'd testify on the care manager's behalf, I would have made other living arrangements for my mom immediately, then gone to be with her so she wouldn't have been so traumatically removed. Given her dementia, I didn't want to move my mom out of a familiar environment if there was no need to. And, the detective didn't give me any reason to believe that there was a reason to move my mom given that she indicated that the caregivers were fine and not suspects. The caregiver on duty at the time my mom was removed begged the detective and AAG to let the caregivers go to the hospital and stay with my mom so that she'd have familiar people with her in an unfamiliar environment. Bot the detective and AAG refused and were quite nasty with the caregiver on duty, making snarky comments to her. The caregiver told me that my mom was confused and trembling with fright. When the detective called me to tell me that my mom had been put in protective custody, I expressed anger that they hadn't told me of their plans beforehand, stating that I would have gone to be with my mom. I also challenged them as to why my mom's caregivers with whom she was familiar weren't allowed to be with her at the hospital. The lying, piece of crap detective told me that anyone who was associated with the care manager was guilty by association. Needless to say, I was quite angry but realized that I wasn't going to get anywhere with these two pieces of crap. It was like trying to fight city hall. Contrary to what the idiot AAG published in the local newspaper, she and the detective basically dropped my mom off at the hospital and left her there, after making sure she was settled, in a strange place among strangers. It still makes me so angry to think of the fear and confusion my demented mom was made to suffer at the hands of these two incompetents. I later learned from hospital staff and a hospital social Worker that my mom was curled up in a fetal position, refusing to sit up on her own and to feed herself, both things of which she was doing right up to the time that she was traumatically removed from her apartment. Needless to say, I was totally enraged. I believe that the AAG loves drama and likes to make a big show to show people how wonderful she is, something she's not. She lacks intelligence and is incompetent and was negligent in her duties as an alleged protector of the elderly. I also believe that the AAG and detective were in collusion with one another because, while there are other elder abuse detectives in the police dept., this particular detective is always paired with the AAG. I also believe that both of them were in collusion with the two caregivers and wonder how much money they paid the caregivers and how much money the AAG pays the detective to come up with trumped up charges and do witch hunts just to promote her (AAG's_ own career. And, I believe alot of this was driven by my dad's ability to manipulate these idiots and gain their pity about how he and his wife couldn't be together, etc., etc. These idiots hadn't bothered to look into why my parents weren't together. If they had,they would have learned of my dad's mental and verbal abuse and the APS report against him. Furthermore, the truth is that whenever my dad visited my mom or vice versa, he ignored her and talked to others who were present, instead. He would also make demeaning remarks about my mom to them in her presence to others, all of which she understood and showed anger and sadness about. But, these idiot authorities fell hook, line, and sinker for my dad's pity party.

After the AAG made her threats and accusations to me, even the staff at the memory unit where my mom was placed treated me like I was a criminal and not even part of my own family. When I called to talk with my mom, they brought her to the phone and we spoke briefly in what would be our very last conversation. But as soon as my dad showed up at the memory unit, the memory unit staff member told me that my dad was there and my mom had to get off the phone despite my saying that I wasn't done talking with my mom, was a member of the family and had every right to talk to my mom, and that I was calling long-distance and that my dad could wait since he lived right there and could stay longer than I could. That made no difference to the staff member.
I believe the staff's attitudes were based on the AAG portraying me as a horrible person and a criminal. Fortunately, I had a chance to tell my mom that I loved her before the phone was taken away from her. I also learned that the AAG and detective were visiting my mom everyday. It made me wonder about these frequent visits--- i.e., didn't they have anything else to do or weren't they busy with other cases? One of my friends has pointed out to me that they likely were visiting my mom alot because they knew they had done wrong with their actions toward both my mom and me and were scared, especially once they saw that my mom wasn't doing very well in her new and strange environment. Also, both the AAG and someone who witnessed it told me that the AAG was hugging and kissing my mom. This AAG was a stranger to my mom. Even in her non-demented days, my mom would never have allowed a stranger to hug and kiss her. Given how powerful touch is, I can only imagine how frightened and confused my mom was by the AAG's actions. With this action, the AAG demonstrated her complete lack of understanding of dementia and invading peoples' private spaces--- something she clearly did with my mom. The AAG's disrespect of my mom's personal space is unconscionable and despicable to me. I'm sure she did this all for show for the memory unit staff as a way to put on a show of how she's such a caring person and advocate for people. I truly believe that she didn't give a darn about my mom and that it was all about her and promoting her career. If she had cared about my mom, she would never have traumatized my mom in the ways she did. And certainly, if she and the detective truly cared, they would have notified my dad and/or me, before removing my mom from her apt, that we needed to find another place within a
certain time period and that if we didn't, they would take the actions that they did (i.e, protective custody, etc.). Out of respect for my mom, the AAG and detective should have afforded my family this much information so we could react and protect my mom from being further traumatized. Then to make matters worse, even though the AAG and detective and the memory unit staff knew my mom was on her deathbed, none of them had the decency to call me to inform me of this so I could rush down to be at my mom's deathbed.
The idiot AAG and detective just couldn't set aside their issues with me to respect the sanctity of a mother-daughter relationship.Given how close my mom and I were, I know that she would have wanted me at her deathbed as much as I wanted to be there. As a result, my mom and I never had the closure with one another that we both needed before she died. We never had a chance to say goodbye to one another. And, I can say that a good part of their disrespectful behavior toward my mom and me was all based on my dad's lies to them.

About 9 mos. after my mom's death, there was a preliminary hearing before a judge in which the AAG tried to declare that the care manager was guilty of abuse beyond a reasonable doubt. But, the care manager's atty had done her job and had done an in-depth investigation of the two caregivers and uncovered some not so good stuff about them. Also, because the care manager had kept some good records and done good documentation, including timestamping things, it became obvious to the judge that the two caregivers had lied about everything. He (judge) saw right through the AAG's arrogance and was angry that his time was even being wasted on the case. It was concluded, based on some pretty compelling evidence, that there likely hadn't been any abuse but rather that the small cut on my mom's lip had happened accidentally, either caused by her or maybe someone inadvertently bumping her as they were caring for her. It became evident that this whole thing was a vendetta that the two caregivers had against the care manager. The judge threw out all of the caregivers' statements as lies and dropped all charges against the care manager. As my atty pointed out, this doesn't mean that there wasn't abuse, just that because nobody personally witnessed it, it couldn't be proven beyond a reasonable doubt. Also, as it turns out, everything I suspected about the two caregivers and communicated to the detective about financial gain, disgruntled employees, my mom being coerced on the cellphone video, etc. proved to be spot on. What it came down to was that the AAG and detective realized that I had figured out what was going on, wasn't buying anything they were telling me, and as a result, were afraid that I would testify on behalf of the care manager and that she (AAG) would lose her case. She was so intent on winning the case at all costs so she could put yet another feather in her cap and write yet another article in the local newspaper about how wonderful she is. Given that I live 1200 miles away from my parents and had to depend on what others told me and didn't personally witness the day-to--day care, I had made it clear that I wasn't a viable witness. And because my dad refused to visit my mom at her apt. on a daily basis to check on things as I had begged him to do, there wasn't a consistent set of eyes on the day-to-day happenings in my mom's apt. My dad refused to go to check on my mom daily because he
didn't want to spend the money for a cab to take him the 2-3 miles from his place to my mom's. He was very good at pleading poverty and asking me for financial assistance, all of which I reported to his financial advisor because I recognized that my dad was trying to manipulate me-- he one time told me he wanted me to completely take over paying my mom's care bills and didn't care if it bankrupted my husband and me just so long as he didn't have to spend the money from his own pocket. Yet, he turned around and accused me of meddling into his finances--- what a bunch of BS for the AAG and detective to even have fallen for that. About 8 to 9 mos. after my dad had betrayed me, when I started to receive phone calls from the AG's office in that city, I ignored them, then later contacted my atty to deal with these people. It turns out that they wanted to know what I was going to testify about at the care manager's preliminary hearing. Interestingly, the AAG who was calling me wasn't the same
idiot who had threatened and accused me. I suspect that the idiot AAG was afraid to talk to me, so had someone else do it instead. My atty told the other AAG that their office had completely and totally burned their bridges with me, that I would never answer or return calls that came from them and that I wouldn't talk with them or help them in any way. She told this other AAG that all future communications with me would have to come through her (the atty). She also told them that given that I live 1200 miles away and didn't personally witness anything, I wasn't a viable witness anyway and couldn't testify on anyone's behalf.

So, in the end, my mom became the innocent pawn for people, including my dad, who were only out for their own personal interests, and didn't give a darn about my mom. My mom ended up paying the ultimate price. It still breaks my heart to think of the trauma that she suffered at these incompetent legal authorities' hands, that she was trembling with fright and was curled up in a fetal position, and that she just gave up and starved herself to death. Given how well she was doing up to the point that the AAG and detective got involved,
I believe that she would have lived longer, maybe even still have been alive today. In the few years before my mom had the stroke which resulted in her dementia, she had commented to me on several occasions that everyone thought my dad was so wonderful but if they knew how horribly he treated his family, they may think otherwise. She also told me that my dad always shirked his responsibilities,leaving them to others. But, when things went wrong, he was so quick to point the finger of blame at others. While I heard what my
mom said, when she became demented I decided I had to take a calculated risk in order to help her and protect her from my dad. Unfortunately, her words rang true for me and ended up adversely affecting her.

To illustrate the corruption in that state's AG office: In doing some online research, I discovered that the AG, himself, was being investigated by the county atty's office (in the county in which the state AG's office is located) for election fraud, vote tampering,and inappropriate sexual relationships with his AAGs (i.e., threatening them with loss of their jobs if they didn't have sex with him). In my opinion, when the head honcho operates on such a low ethical standard and sets such a bad example for his employees, you can't expect much from those below him.

So ends my saga. I've read all of the replies to my post to date and really appreciate everyone's perspectives on this. I'll respond to several of the posts at a later date because they bring up some points and questions that I want to address. A big thank you to all of you for your support and understanding. Your replies are really helping me to move on and know that I'm doing the right thing by detaching from my severely mentally ill dad.

DoneWithIt: I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through a somewhat similar situation to mine. Given your current health problems, you don't need this extra stress in your life. I wish you the best of luck in getting your mess resolved. I wouldn't trust the authorities to do the right thing by you. Just assume that they're corrupt, incompetent liars and don't care about you. If you're able, retain an atty or get a public defender to protect yourself and to represent you as you try to work your way through this mess. If you can find some other housing, leave the old man and let him rot. He's a dangerous person in his narcissism and will cause you more problems than he's worth. He sounds alot like my dad.

Please know that you didn't do him wrong or make a mistake by telling his dr. about his memory problems. You were acting in good faith as a friend for his welfare and benefit. If you told his dr. of your concerns without your friend being present, then his dr. betrayed a confidentiality by telling him what you had reported. I had that same thing happen to me when I called my dad's primary care dr. to express concerns about my dad to her. She treated me with utter disrespect, telling me that I knew nothing about my dad since I live so far away. I very pointedly reminded her that given that he's my dad, I have a much longer history with him than she does and know him far better than she does or ever will. She changed her tune very quickly. I didn't think I had to tell this dr. that our conversation was confidential and that I didn't want it shared with my dad. She shared it with my dad who became very angry with me for "tattling on him". It took alot of explaining to him, but he finally realized that I wasn't tattling, but rather talked with his dr. out of concern for him. Lesson learned: never trust a dr. or other professionals to keep a confidence. You have to specifically tell them that you want the conversation kept confidential. Even that is no guarantee. If your friend wasn't present when you expressed your concerns to his dr., then the dr. acted very unprofessionally. You might want to report your friend's dr. for his/her unprofessional behavior in betraying this confidence. I don't know how far it will get you, though. Anyway, I hope only the best for you as you deal with the authorities.

ba8alou: Yes, my dad controls the finances. I think your suggestion is a good one and wish that I had done that from the get go while my mom was still alive. It's now a moot point since she has passed away. In fact, I think that when my dad refused to go to his estate attorney and put it in writing that he had executed the successor medical POA, I should have either contacted the estate attorney for help in getting it put into writing or should have flat out refused to do the POA until and unless my dad had it put in writing. But as I mentioned in one of my previous posts, my mom's needs were so high and my dad not being able to handle the situation/mishandling things that in my mind, my mom's great medical and care needs took higher priority than trying to battle my dad to get the POA put into writing. Lesson learned for anyone dealing with this--- take the time to make sure everything is in writing. And, don't trust your elderly parents to do right by you.

My mom's dementia wasn't to the point where she no longer recognized me. In fact, while she didn't remember my name, she recognized my voice each time I phoned her and recognized me by sight when I'd travel to visit her. Her caregivers, even when she was in an adult care home, told me that when she'd hear my voice on the phone her face would light up and she'd have a big smile. Interestingly, the last time I spoke to my mom after she had been traumatically removed from her apt. by the AAG and moved to the memory unit, when the memory unit staff member told her that her daughter was on the phone without mentioning my name, my mom greeted me, using my name.

So, even though my dad controls the finances, because my mom still recognized me, I couldn't have cut the ties with her. She had a moderate dementia, so moved in and out of lucidity depending on the situation and the day. And even though she couldn't express herself verbally alot of the time, she could express her feelings and likes/dislikes through gestures, facial expression, and body language. Given all of this, I wouldn't have been able to sever ties with her and/or turn my back on her. Plus, with my dad's mental illness and his history of having mentally and verbally abused her, I couldn't step away as the POA because he probably would have moved her into his apartment to save money and would have refused to allow any live-in caregivers. My mom would have suffered as a result. By being the successor POA, I was at least able to keep the care manager involved and know that someone was watching over my mom and keeping tabs on the care giving, both when my mom was in adult care homes and then when she was in an apartment with 1:1 care giving. Had I terminated contact with my dad while my mom was still alive, with his mental illness and ability to manipulate people, he likely would have seen to it that I would have been barred from being able to stay in contact with my mom at any level (phone calls or visits), all in anger and as a way to punish me for severing ties with him. As an extreme narcissist, it's always all about him without forethought to my mom or her needs. I couldn't risk this happening while my mom was still alive. Now that she's gone, I've been able to put my dad at arm's length, staying out of his life and sending him only one letter per month that sticks to very neutral topics-- e.g., weather. This has angered him he has also gone to his estate attorney and written me out of his part of the will, deluding himself into believing me to be the culprit. Unfortunately, his estate attorney, like everyone else, has fallen for his pity party and BS hook, line, and sinker. Re: your comment on him having some sort of organic brain disease in addition to the mental illness: I don't know if he does. However, I would say that his mental illness is exacerbated by a degree of dementia or vice versa. And, he's definitely delusional. As you and others have suggested, I'm staying out of his life because I've been forced to protect myself from my own dad. The person inhabiting his body is definitely someone I no longer recognize. It's like the movie "Invasion of the Body Snatchers". And, as you and others have stated, it's in my best interests legally to stay away from this monster.

I hope you keep a log. I've been in a nightmare not too unlike yours for many years. My advice would be to legally by notification resign and severe all relations with your father for your own protection.
What possesses an elder to destroy their child on their way out is beyond me. There have been times when I thought my mother would dance on my grave if given the opportunity. Compared to your situation my persecution has been mild. Your father obviously has set you up to be the sacrificial lamb. Do not oblige him by being party to your own demise. Leave him to his own devises.