How should I handle situation where I was threatened with criminal prosecution when my Dad portrayed me as elder abuser and meddler?

Been there done that and now that they are both gone still dealing with it. Find an Elder Care lawyer now! Just cause they are off their rocker doesn't mean they can't or won't press false charges. Mine did and it wasn't just us adults who suffered. because of it a family member took POA and then a week prior to my mom passing signed my mom's name to quit claim 3 of their properties. Steeling the inheritance. So now my nieces & nephews get nothing unless we win in court.

ba8alou: re: your comment about your mother-in-law: your husband was very smart to step away, something I wish I had been able to do. My dad never threatened to call legal authorities and report the care manager or me and, even with his mental illness, I doubt that he would have initiated this action, but rather would have stewed and obsessed as was his usual MO and complained to his associates and neighbors at his facility--- all of whom were ignoring him anyway. Previous to his telling authorities I had coerced him into handing over my mom's medical POA, he was telling people that he was handling my mom's care and led people to believe that he was actually doing the care giving, itself. When people would contact me to inform me of this, I would just quietly set the record straight with them. I basically just blew off my dad's telling people this as an old man who wanted to portray himself as still mentally and physically capable of taking responsibility for his wife, because he realized he was losing or had lost this ability and didn't want others to know. I understand where my dad was coming from on this and just let it go as a way to humor an old man. From my perspective, there was nothing to gain by setting the record straight with my dad. I looked at this as pathetic and innocuous. Also, during the time before the report of alleged abuse and before the authorities got involved, my dad would accuse me of stupid stuff like directing someone to put all of his books into a storage unit or directing someone to give all his clothes away. While he may also have told others that I had done this, these accusations were innocuous and were ignored. My dad is passive-aggressive and will tell me one thing and turn around and do the complete opposite or tell me he's not upset with me then turn around and tell others he's mad at me or say disparaging things about me. But, given that these things were innocuous and people tended to just ignore them and him, I had no reason to believe that if given the chance my dad would turn on me. How stupid and/or naive I was! The opportunity just presented itself when authorities went to him to question him about things related to my mom's care manager (whom my dad hated) and her care. I believe that without forethought to the impact/consequences of his statements, and given the captive and sympathetic audience, albeit stupid idiot audience, my dad saw an opportunity and seized that opportunity, as an extreme narcissist, and made the whole conversation about himself in order to gain pity for himself at my expense. Given that he's an extreme narcissist and his image and portraying himself as a person of good character and integrity (which he no longer is) take highest importance over his loyalty to his family, he couldn't let people know that he was incapable of doing the POA job. Then, to garner even more sympathy, he portrayed me as a meddler and elder abuser. Had the authorities never talked with my dad, he would have just continued as he had been and people would have continued to ignore him. What it comes down to is that my dad saw an opportunity to use me as his scapegoat to cover up his inability to do his POA job and take care of my mom.

Unfortunately, my dad is unable to admit wrongdoing, whether in this circumstance or with the many people he has slandered and alienated over many, many years. In his eyes and what he has manipulated others into believing is that he can do no wrong and that he never is the perpetrator of problems. I have very strong reason to believe that my dad knows what he did, especially given that I told him that his statements were the reason for the AAG's accusations and threats, but deep down is so ashamed of what he did to his own daughter that not only can't he admit it to me, but he also can't admit it to himself. So, he has deluded himself and others into believing that he did no wrong and that I'm the one doing wrong by him by staying away. It's just incredible that people never question him or seek to hear the entire story, instead of just one side. My dad has told people that he doesn't understand why I'm not talking to him, but hasn't directly asked me why I'm not talking with him and am only limiting contact to the occasional letter. I believe, even with his mental illness and given that this is how it's consistently been with him in the past, if he truly didn't know why I was limiting contact with him to writing only, he would have reached out to me and asked me directly. This hasn't happened and now he's deluded himself.

Delilah, horrible story and absolutely unconscionable on the part of your relative! I'm so sorry to hear that you and your other family members are going through this. What a mess our elderly parents create for us. You always hope that it's just the dementia or whatever the mental pathology that's causing this and that if they were in the same state of mind they were in during their younger years, they'd never pull this crap on you and your family. I hope that your lawyer will be able to get your inheritance back. This sure smells like exploitation of a vulnerable adult on the part of your relative. By virtue of age, even if your mom hadn't been legally declared mentally incompetent, she was a vulnerable adult. Depending on the state where your mom/your parents lived, its exploitation laws may be quite strict, meaning that if exploitation is proven, your relative will be in quite a bit of trouble and you and other family members could sue this person for alot more than he/she took from your mom, in addition to the relative having to pay for all of your legal fees. My elder law attorney, whom I've been working with from the start, told me that in the state my parents live/lived in, they have very strict exploitation laws, in fact so strict that when an attorney takes this approach and rattles cages, the other party or their attorney usually settles out of court because of the super high cost of the penalties. It may be worth it for you to find out about exploitation laws in your parents' state and how strict they are. I would also suggest that if you haven't already discussed exploitation with your attorney or if your atty isn't taking that approach, you discuss this with him/her. In my case, with my dad having written me out of his part of the family trust and having even left, to a beneficiary he has named, all of the tangible assets that are community property of his and my mom (as per a tangible property list that both of them signed several years ago and attached to the trust documents), if necessary, my attorney will pursue exploitation/undue influence on my dad to change my parents' long-standing estate plan when the time comes.

I should clarify that the tangible property list that my parents created and signed several years ago names me as the beneficiary of all of their tangible assets. Knowing my dad, he's likely incorporated something into his will negating that tangible property list. My attorney has indicated that he can't necessarily do that, depending on whether or not the original tangible property list was incorporated as part of the family trust. So, time will tell.

bookluvr: You're right on the money about your comments about my dad having it against me and your comments about the statements of abandonment, etc. that he would make about me. In fact, I've heard from people that he's been badmouthing me on several things, including telling people I was friends with the care manager (untrue-- we had a working relationship focused on my mom's needs) and that he has disowned me for being friends with the care manager. This alone is delusional. I'm pretty much listening to my atty, especially given that an AAG and the state's AG office is involved. While I may not be on the main AG's radar, I'm on the radar of the AAG and the local police dept. The care manager was on the AG office's radar screen, but once all of the charges were dropped against her, I think she's probably low on their screen now. In my case, as long as my dad is alive and saying things about and against me, I remain on a very slippery slope with authorities from the meddling and elder abuse perspective, especially because my dad has already crossed the line by making the statements he did to the AAG and detective. My atty said that now having crossed that line, he could now take the initiative to contact authorities directly or could make statements to staff at his facility and they would then be bound by law to report me. In terms of the POA, now that my mom's gone, that's no longer an issue. And even if my dad had reported me for abandonment of POA duties while my mom was still alive, given that he refused to put it in writing, he's still listed as the principal medical POA on my mom's POA document. So, he'd have no legal backbone there.

Re: your comment about my dad being 2-faced: you're right on the money there, too. I've come to realize that he's been bad mouthing me to others for quite awhile. Over the 4 years that I was acting in the capacity as my mom's medical POA, I could never understand why people associated with my dad who had never met me before and didn't know me were so rude and disrespectful to me. Then, when this legal stuff came up, the reason became crystal clear to me. My dad has already proven himself insincere, and says one thing to me and something else to others. He's raised manipulation to an art form. So, I have no doubt that if he was able to apologize to me, it would be insincere. And, if I were to reattach with him, whether by talking with him on the phone or visiting him, he would turn around and accuse me. And, we'd also be right back to his usual manipulation. I've decided to draw the line and create the boundary with him. It's making him angry, but too bad for him. I have to do what's best for me.

To further illustrate his insincerity: For the past 7 years, he has been unable to tell me he loves me, yet can tell non-family members that they are his family and he loves them or loves them dearly. Then, a few months after my mom's death when he realized that I was no longer going to call him and that I was limiting contact with him to writing, he apparently got scared when he realized that he could no longer manipulate and abuse me and that I wasn't going to be there for him as I was with my mom. Apparently thinking that he might be able to sway me to reconsider, he wrote me a short note telling me to never doubt his love for me, that it's deep and unending. Had he said this 10 - 20 years ago when he so frequently told my sister and me how much he loved us and sincerely demonstrated it in so many ways, I would have believed him. But, with the insincerity he's shown in these recent years, I saw this short note for what it was--- insincere all for the purpose of manipulating me. I haven't bitten and won't. Oh how I love these screwed up family dynamics and relationship with elderly parents--- NOT!!

CountryMouse: Thank you for all of your insights. From what others and now you have told me about the profound ignorance of authorities tasked with protecting vulnerable individuals, I've learned that my situation/experience isn't all that uncommon--- just different twists on a similar story. I even heard of a few cases where the judge hearing the abuse case showed profound ignorance. These people are so intent on furthering their careers that they do an appallingly inadequate job of investigating, only listening to one side of a story, never taking into account family dynamics and that an elderly spouse/significant other, themselves, may be demented or mentally ill (in addition to their skewed perception of reality). These legal authorities see one small slice of the total family picture and think they understand it all and take actions based on not understanding things and not having the complete story. Given my experience, in addition to not trusting legal authorities anymore, I also now question the value of elder abuse legislation. Until state gov'ts andthe federal gov't are willing to put their money where their mouths are and create very strict conduct and investigation guidelines for anyone, including employees of AG office, who are involved in elder abuse investigations, I don't think I can support elder abuse legislation anymore. This doesn't mean that I'm not concerned about elder abuse or think it's not a problem. Quite the contrary. But, from the many stories people have been telling me since my experience started a few years ago, it appears to me that authorities tasked with investigating elder abuse are causing more harm to the abuse victim than good. From my perspective, there needs to be better training for these people and much better oversight of them. They need to be held accountable for their actions, especially when it results in further harm to the victim or results in the victim's death.

Pam S.: re: your comments about getting guardianship: Since my dad is living independently and able to take care of his daily needs and manage his finances, I doubt that he would be able to be declared mentally incompetent and a state guardian be assigned to him. Apparently, the standard for proving mental incompetence is very low --- if a person can state his/her name, has concept of money and time and place, they're said to be mentally competent. From the delusional standpoint, given my dad's well honed adeptness at manipulation and the fact that he appears to already have successfully hidden his delusional behavior and the other aspects of his mental illness from the Psychiatrist he's been seeing for the past 2 years, I suspect that a court Psychiatrist would also be hoodwinked by my dad. My understanding is that my dad's Psychiatrist believes that his problem is depression and nothing more. He is being treated for depression and is on anti-depressants. In the past when he's been seen by Psychiatric personnel (nurses, social workers, etc.), he has been very successful at hiding things from them. And, for those Psychiatric professionals who have gotten too close to the truth, he has then refused to continue sessions with them. This is one reason I didn't try to get guardianship of my mom when her very first care manager suggested it to me. Given my mom's dementia, that would have easily been proven by a court Psychiatrist and, if my dad wasn't in the picture, I would have easily gotten guardianship over my mom. That first care manager told me that it wouldn't be a slam dunk that I'd automatically get guardianship and that my dad would have to be proven incompetent. She also said that even with that, I might lose my bid. I have little doubt that if I had gone to court to get guardianship over my mom, after my dad had totally blindsided the judge and manipulated both him/her and also the court Psychiatrist, that not only would I have lost my case but also that my dad would have taken steps to make sure that I wouldn't be allowed to have contact or access to my mom ever again. And, I suspect that he would have been successful in his bid. An associate of mine told me about his wife's experience and failure in getting guardianship of her demented and ailing father in Michigan. My associate's mother-in-law is significantly mentally ill, has clearly demonstrated incompetence and mental capacity to adequately take care of her husband, something which her Psychiatrist and other drs are aware of and have documented. Yet, even with letters and documentation from her Psychiatrist and other drs. and people who witnessed this woman's incompetence and mistreatment of her husband, the judge still ruled in favor of my associate's mother-in-law and denied his wife guardianship. Talk about despicable and unconscionable! After listening to this and his description of his mother-in-law (similar behaviors to my dad's), I realized that I would also have likely been denied guardianship of my mom. So, it's not always a slam dunk and even Psychiatrists can be blindsided by a very wily mentally ill person, with the result that a vulnerable adult may be left at high risk for abuse. That's not to say that all bids for guardianship fail. I'm just saying that it does happen and for no good reason other than the court being blindsided.

Want to follow this because I can relate.
Believe by Dad is doing the same thing now. Very sad!!

I'm glad I read this post, I think it has helped me make a very hard decision. I'm sort of in the same boat with my mother. She was diagnosed with ALZ almost years ago and has spin a tale, delusional ideas of everything possible that I have done to her. I have been fighting for year and a half trying to get conservatorship. Its pointless, the only winners are the lawyers. So I think its time to let her go, let some one else take care of her. Everyone thinks I'm the evil daughter and she's this poor old lady being taken advantage, she thinks and so do some other family members, that theres nothing wrong with her, Im making this up, even though I have medical records that say different. Seems no one, including, lawyer, judges, APS and many others don't want to believe the Drs. reports because she answers their questions every time! You know, the basic, date, year, president, your name etc. When they do ask her personal questions about family she makes something up and they never check to see if its true, UNBELIEVABLE! I agree that legislation needs to be changed, we need better trained people to handle these situations, there is something terribly wrong with the way the system works right now!!!!

126Cher: Do you currently hold the medical and financial POAs over your dad? Or, is he allegedly competent to handle his own affairs? If you're named as successor medical and financial POAs, you'd have to have your dad declared legally incompetent in a court of law to become the principal POA. This isn't easy, especially if your dad is like mine and very adept at hiding his delusional and pathological mental state. So, my suggestion is that until you are legally named the principal POA because your dad has been declared legally incompetent, you step away from assuming any of these duties until that time. When that time comes, make sure that his POA doc names you as the principal. DON'T accept any verbal agreements on this, either from your dad or anyone else. It all needs to be in writing. Otherwise, your dad could turn on you later and say that the POA was never handed over to you. Then, it becomes your word against his. And, authorities, etc., will believe him over you. This is what happened to me with my dad on my mom's medical POA. My atty told me that a verbal agreement is legal as long as both parties agree and that often if medical personnel can't deal with the principal POA, as was the case with my dad, or the principal is unavailable at a time when a medical decision needs to be made for the patient, drs/other medical personnel will usually turn to the named successor POA. Even before my dad executed the successor POA part of my mom's medical POA document, I was frequently being engaged by my mom's medical personnel to provide information on her medical history and conditions because drs, etc., refused to deal with my dad because of his pathological behavior. Before and after he executed the successor medical POA, whenever drs needed permission to go ahead with various medical procedures , I would be contacted to make the decision but always told them that I needed to discuss it with my dad, as my mom's husband, first. I would then discuss it with my dad and explain things in terms he could understand. And, I would explain to him as simply as possible why the procedure was necessary. He always agreed to let the drs. proceed, which I then communicated to them via my mom's care manager. But, when push came to shove and the authorities questioned my dad, he lied because he didn't want them to think he was incompetent and incapable of doing for his wife. He made statements that clearly communicated to authorities that I had coerced him into handing the medical POA over to me. Since it wasn't in writing on the medical POA doc (which I think the AAG didn't even look at), I had no way to prove that my dad had executed the successor POA. As a result, I was told that I had committed a crime in that state, and was threatened with criminal prosecution. Yet, when I asked my dad if I had misunderstood something about the POA, he readily told me that I hadn't and that he had asked me to do it because he couldn't handle it. He also admitted that he hadn't informed authorities that he had executed the successor part, but wouldn't tell me why he hadn't told them. It was because he couldn't admit that he had basically told them that I had coerced him. If he didn't want to appear incompetent by having executed the successor POA, all he would have had to say was that he had asked me to help him and that we were working together as a team. But, that's not how a demented and mentally ill mind works--- no logical thought patterns there.

So, just make sure you protect yourself, 126Cher, by getting everything in writing, signed and blessed by an attorney in the presence of witnesses if necessary and notarized.

126Cher: To continue with the previous post:
If you're dad is still mentally capable by the low legal standard of mental competence (i.e., demonstrates an understanding of time, place, concept of money, knows his name, yours and others) and is his own medical and financial POA, I suggest that if you believe him to be saying things to others that portray you as a meddler or elder abuser-- or if you have personally witnessed this or it has been reported to you by others-- you detach from your dad before he has the chance to cross the line, as my dad has, and makes these statements either to legal authorities or to people whose positions require them, by law, to report them to report what your dad is saying about you. Once your dad crosses the line from making accusations to neighbors/you/friends/casual acquaintances to making these accusations to people in positions to act on his statements, you're SOL. In addition, once your dad crosses this line, he'll think nothing of crossing it again and again and saying these things to people who can cause you a lot of problems. My attorney warned me of this at the time I told her about the false statements my dad had made about me to legal authorities. You will have nothing but heartache, legal hassles, high legal costs, and be traumatized by authorities who believe themselves to be above the law (in fact, believe themselves to be God). They will bully and intimidate you and prey on your ignorance of the law to traumatize you. This is what the AAG did to me. Because elder abuse and elder issues are such hot button items right now, those in a position to protect the elderly are extremely overzealous and self-righteous, believing themselves to be the saviors of these "poor, innocent" elderly people. As a result, they fall for the elderly person hook, line, and sinker, never bothering to verify their statements or get the entire picture. Don't put yourself on a slippery slope with any legal system. They'll never believe you and will only believe the elder person, and you'll have nothing but legal problems and potentially high legals costs.

126Cher:
Even if you hold POA over your dad, if he's portraying you to others in a way that can lead to legal complications for you, I strongly suggest that you detach from him. You may not necessarily have to sever a tie with him or even limit your communications with him to writing. But, anytime you talk with him, whether on the phone or in person, you need to have in attendance at all of your visits or phone conversations with your dad trustworthy witnesses who won't later turn against you and side with your dad. Or, you need to record all of your conversations with him. When communicating with him, keep things to very neutral subjects--- e.g., weather, what you and your family have been doing. DON'T give him advice or ask him any questions because he could misconstrue this as you meddling or threatening him. If he's a pathological liar and delusional like my dad, he could even twist your neutral comments about weather or yourself into telling others that you were meddling or abusing him. Without witnesses to these conversations or you recording them, you have no proof of what was said. Furthermore, if you overhear your dad saying things about you to others that you believe portray you as a meddler or elder abuser, I suggest that without making your dad feel threatened, you state your position in some manner about his statements to let him know that you can't allow yourself to be put into a position that could put you in jeopardy and have very serious consequences to you. Just state your case from how it affects YOU, without blaming him or turning it to him as the bad guy-- use the passive voice (i.e., statements that could be made about me that could be construed as my interfering or threatening people can put me in jeapordy--- you know your dad better than I do, so can come up with some sort of neutral statement like this). Then somehow you'd need to communicate that now that these statements have been made to others, you're going to have to limit contact with him. The other thing is, if you're limiting communications with your dad to writing, make sure that you scan each note/letter and save it in a safe place on your computer and/or as a hard copy. This way, you have proof of what you've written and that you haven't meddled or mentally abused him or threatened him, etc. I've had to do this with my dad just in case he reports me.

Listen to your attorney! Ideally we all want a loving and approving relationship with our parents. Some people get it, some don't. Ideals are just ideals, not realities. There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself emotionally, physically and legally. Move on and get some help for the emotional damage his mental illness is causing you. You have nothing to feel guilty about - but you do feel guilty. It's not your fault. You didn't cause it, you can't fix it, and you can't shoulder the responsibility for it. It's more than anyone can shoulder. Good luck to you and best wishes for your healing.

126Cher: And one final statement:
If your dad is an extreme narcissist like mine, you're in a no-win situation because narcissists are extremely manipulative and very good at sounding believable and pulling the wool over most peoples' eyes. Basically, narcissists are sociopaths. Because of his extreme narcissism and sociopathic tendencies, I consider my dad to be an extremely dangerous person who will stop at nothing, even betraying his own daughter, to portray himself as an honest, upright person who never does wrong, is always right, and is always the victim. My dad is very adept at the pity party stuff, and people fall right into his trap and believe him unquestioningly. So, if your dad falls into this category, you may have no other choice but to detach from him. If you reattach with him at another time, go in wearing a full suit of armor so you can deflect anything he throws at you. Don't let yourself fall into his trap or be manipulated by him. You need to go into any interactions with your eyes wide open and realize that everything he says is likely either delusional or a lie--- don't believe a word he says. And, if you do reattach with him, keep your attachment at a pretty long arm's length-- don't let yourself get caught in his trap or use you as a scapegoat. Elderly pathological people have no scruples and don't give a crap about or understand the negative impacts of their behavior on others. They just either are lashing out and wanting to get back at others because they're angry at their lives or at getting old. So, they use their family members as scapegoats. Keeping your dad at arm's length still won't necessarily protect you from his delusions/lies/pathological behavior, but it's better than being too involved and suffering the results of his delusional and pathological behavior. And just remember that legal authorities are corrupt, only out for their own self-serving purposes and careers, are untrustworthy and are a bunch of liars who will find every way to screw you because they believe the elderly are gods and never do wrong. These authorities WON'T do right by you. If you have to talk to authorities, make sure that you retain an atty BEFORE talking with them or granting any interviews during an investigation or other things. And, make sure that your atty is present at these interviews. I wish I had been smart enough to do this when I was interviewed by the elder abuse detective. It may have saved a lot of hassles and heartache once the idiot AAG got involved. I've also come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as a “nice little old lady” or “nice little old man”. This is a total myth.

I hope I never do to my adult kids what my dad did to me. I've already told them that if I do anything of the same sort that their grandfather did to me (and, as adults, they understand exactly what he did and are totally appalled and now want nothing more to do with him), currently being of sound mind, I give them my permission to take me out to the back 40 and put a bullet or two in my brain. I wanted to write this into my advanced directive and/or will, indicating that I'm of sound mind at the time of making this statement, but my husband's and my estate atty wouldn't allow it--- darn it. I just don't want to put my kids to go through that with me when I'm old.

Re: the AAG declaring that I had committed a crime by acting as the POA: My atty told me that I hadn't committed a crime since it's so common for medical personnel to turn to the successor POA. Plus, the idiot AAG likely didn't even look at the POA doc. And, her actions showed her ignorance of estate law and an understanding of the role of a successor POA. She basically was preying on my ignorance of the law and used bullying and intimidation tactics. It was her way of getting me out of the picture by using scare tactics so I wouldn't testify on my mom's care manager's behalf. Talk about committing a crime--- the AAG, not me, committed a crime with her tactics. When my atty talked with another AAG in that elder abuse division, she stated very clearly that the other AAG not only had inappropriately, without justification, bullied and intimidated me, but that it also was a blatant abuse of power. As I mentioned in a previous post, because the idiot AAG lost her case at the preliminary hearing, the other AAG wasn't very inclined to escalate this situation up the supervisory ranks in the AG's office as my attorney had strongly suggested several times during their conversation. Unfotunately, the idiot AAG and her cohort the elder abuse detective will continue to do their dirty deeds. As I told my atty, I highly doubt that I'm the first family member that the evil AAG and detective have done this to nor will I be the last. My atty agrees with me, but feels that the AAG will eventually make a misstep and be exposed and get into alot of trouble. I'm not holding my breath. She's too much like my dad and is very adept at staying off the legal radar screen.

LearningCurve: I'm sorry that you've been through the same nightmare as I've been through. Did you have the authorities threatening and accusing you, too? Did you end up completely severing your relationship with your mom? Re: your comment about what possesses an elder to destroy their own child: It's way beyond me, too. However, I think that it's mainly mental illness and/or dementia that drives this stuff, in addition to an elderly person realizing that they've lost control of their lives and are no longer held in the same esteem as they were in their younger years. I believe that they basically feel helpless and have a need to lash out at people because they feel like wounded animals. So who better to lash out at than their own kids or other family members. It makes no sense to us, but in the mind of an elderly person is logical.

And yes, you're right about my dad setting me up as the sacrificial lamb. He has always had to have a scapegoat, even in his younger years, and can never be seen as being the culprit or doing people wrong. His image is the most important thing to him and takes the highest priority, even higher and more important than his loyalty and commitment to his wife and daughter. He always has to portray himself as a wonderful person who is the victim of everyone else. My dad's sociopathic behavior is very typical of how narcissists behave--- he's just an extreme narcissist, which makes it even worse because of his highly developed skill at manipulation and people unwittingly getting trapped into his evil web and believing him. As my mom used to tell me: Everyone thinks my dad is so wonderful, but they don't know how horribly he treats his own family (extended and immediate). He always shirks his responsibilities and then when things go wrong with what should have been his responsibilities, he's so quick to turn around and point the blame. So, now I've become his scapegoat/sacrificial lamb and am paying the price. I haven't totally severed the relationship because I write him one letter per month keeping to neutral topics such as the weather. I do this mainly for my protection because I'm afraid that if I completely sever the relationship with him and don't maintain just a cursory communication with him, with his delusional behavior and severe mental illness, he'll conjure up some story that I'm mentally abusing him by not keeping in communication with him and abandoning him and my duties to him. My fear is that he'll either contact authorities about this or will convince someone that I'm doing this and manipulate them into believing his delusion and into contacting authorities. Then authorities will believe him once again, without listening to my side, and I'll again have no end of trouble and trauma from the idiot authorities, especially given that I'm already on their radar screen. This latter is the reason my atty told me to completely sever the relationship with my dad. My atty agreed with me that if the authorities start contacting me and hassling me about stuff, it's harassment. She told me that if this happens, I should contact her right away and she'll go after the authorities for harassment. So far, so good, and I'm hoping that those monthly letters to my dad will keep him at bay. But yes, most of my friends agree with you about severing all relations with my dad, and they think I'm nuts for even writing the one letter a month.

Yes, I've been keeping a log, especially because my dad had been crying poverty and asking for my financial assistance over a 4 - 6 year period. I agree with you about my dad wanting to destroy me. I think that part of what led him to betray me to authorities, which ties in with his impaired mental status, is that he's upset at me because I didn't unquestioningly take his side in his personality conflict with my mom's care manager and others. When people confront my dad, he immediately does things to alienate them, turns around and blames them, and then tries to portray himself as being their victim. Quite the opposite is true--- most people become my dad's victim. And, I'm sure that he gets his jollies out of watching people go down in flames and knowing that he did this to him. In his sick mind, this is payback for them not agreeing with him or confronting him. He can never admit wrongdoing and people, believing him to be an innocent, helpless old man, fall for him hook, line, and sinker. Too many times, I've taken his side only to find out that he was lying to me. People told me that I have to learn to listen to both sides, not just his just because he's my dad. And, they're right. So, when my dad has told me things, I've learned to go to the person/people he's accusing and get their side of the story. A few years before my mom's death, my dad told me that her care manager was alienating me from him. I told him that nobody is alienating me from him and that I won't take sides in his and the care manager's personality conflict, especially because I live 1200 miles away and am not there to personally witness what happened. I've held to this position the entire time. He has tried to get me to side with him, and I've told him that he's putting me in an awkward position because I don't know the entire story. I had told both him and my mom's care manager that I wouldn't take sides in their personality conflict and that my main focus is on my mom and making sure that her needs are met and that she's safe and well-cared for. I just wasn't willing to get involved in my dad's personality conflicts with others because he has conflicts with just about everyone who doesn't worship him and who sees through him. Now my dad has gotten it into his head that I'm not on his side. Once he gets something into his head he not only won't let it go, but deludes himself into believing it's true. This wasn't much of a problem for me and I just ignored it as him being him until his portrayal of me to authorities as a coercer, meddler, and elder abuser and the ensuing threats of criminal prosecution and accusations from the AAG forced me to detach from my dad. Now, he's gotten it in his head that he's disowned me for being friends with my mom's caregiver (totally untrue) and he's gone to his estate atty and has already changed the family trust and written me out of his part of it (fortunately, I've learned that he's not able to write me out of my mom's portion, much to his anger--- he tried to, but legally can't). What ticks me off is that he's named a beneficiary to get all of the tangible property that is community property of both of my parents. While my parents created and signed a tangible property list, which leaves all of their tangibles to me, several years ago, my concern is that he's claimed it all for himself and the beneficiary won't be willing to give me any of those items. Many of those items are ones that my mom expressed her wishes for me to have. Also, as sole survivor of my family, those items have a special place in my family history. But, I suspect that my dad has given his estate atty very strict instructions that I'm to get nothing no matter what. I have an authenticity certificate for one of the pieces of artwork and it's in my mom's name showing her as the purchaser. I've discussed this with my atty and she has told me that I/we would have to determine if there's a bill of sales attached to the family trust showing that the tangible property/tangible property list is part of the family trust. Unfortunately, my dad didn't give me any bill of sales when he gave me a copy of the family trust. He just gave me the tangible property list. However, my atty said that the estate atty who drew up that trust that contains the tangible property list may also have a bill of sales or some sort of schedule on file in his office. This estate atty is different from the one my dad went to to change the estate plan. My atty said that my dad just can't go claiming community property as his sole property unless he has created a tangible property list doing so. She said that the family trust takes precedence over any pour over wills/trusts because a pour over will pours unclaimed assets from the family trust into it. My atty said that at the very least, these tangible assets would have to be split in half between the beneficiary of my dad's individual trust and the family trust, of which I'm the trustee. So, when the time comes, my atty said she'll help me with this.

GrandmaD6: You're right. I agree with what you've written. Yes, ideals are just that and certainly aren't realities. And yes, I've come to realize that I have to protect myself emotionally, legally, etc. from this very sick man and from the whims of a corrupt and incompetent legal system.

Yes, I am getting help for the emotional damage and trauma that my dad has caused me. I've learned a whole lot about family dynamics, in general, and my own family's dysfunctional dynamics which was/is driven by my dad's mental illness. I'm slowly realizing that I have nothing to be guilty for and that I've been the best daughter to both parents that I can and could be and that I've done the best that I could do for both of them. I'm slowly ridding myself of guilt, but it's not an easy road. I've come to accept that my dad is a very mentally sick person. And, I've come to realize that sometimes you just have to walk away. . I've been working hard to rid myself of the emotional damage my dad has caused and the associated thoughts, none of which has been easy to do. Unfortunately, because people continue to believe my dad and have fallen into his evil trap and don't realize that they, themselves, are being manipulated, there are things still happening from a legal standpoint, that continue to adversely affect me. I know I have to come to terms with all of this so that I can get to a point where I can reach inner peace within myself, and have been working hard to move on. I've been told that what I'm experiencing is a complicated bereavement, having been robbed of having closure with my mom before she died, and that this type of trauma and betrayal by a parent or someone you trusted takes time to work through. You don't just get over it in a day or two. I've come a really long well with the help I've gotten and continue to make progress. Hopefully, this has made me a stronger and smarter person.

Among the many things I've learned from my experience is that as the adult children of elderly parents, we really don't have any legal responsibility to do anything for them or to take care of them, unless it's been ordered in a court of law that we do so. From my perspective, it's basically a moral responsibility to a vulnerable parent/parents that led me to feel that I had to take on the responsibility when I realized that my dad couldn't/wouldn't do it and that his mental illness would have caused my mom alot of harm and suffering. Legally, I was within my rights to turn my back on the whole thing and wash my hands of any involvement in my mom's care because, in the end, it's my dad who has/had the legal responsibility for my mom, as her husband. Unfortunately, I have a conscience and felt loyal to my mom and felt the need to protect her from my dad's mental illness. In all good conscience and given how close my mom and I were with each other, I couldn't turn my back on her and see her suffer at my dad's hands. I've thought about how I would handle this now, with the knowledge I now have and have concluded that I still wouldn't turn my back on my mom and would still help out. But, I would be smarter and would have everything put in writing, signed by an atty and my dad and notarized before I would get involved or take on any responsibilities. Unless this was done, I would keep at a very long arm's length from my dad and allowing him to manipulate me into taking over my mom's care, throwing it all back into his court when he would try to manipulate me. While I would remain in contact with my dad, I would avoid any discussions with him about my mom's care and would keep to mundane and neutral topics, and I would discourage him from having me get involved with my mom's care manager, especially because his guaranteed personality conflict with this person would just draw me into his web of manipulation. I would present myself to him as a casual observer who lives too far away to get involved in any of this. However, I would try to keep apprised of things with my mom directly through her care manager or her caregiving staff at her facility and would express my desires and concerns, solely as a concerned daughter and nothing more, making sure that my conversations and communications with these people were kept in strict confidence from my dad. I would also do my best to discourage medical personnel and care giving staff in getting me super involved in any decisions about my mom, and would direct them/encourage them to deal with my dad as my mom's principal medical POA and as her husband, stating that I can't legally act in the capacity of POA, even though I'm listed as the successor, or be highly involved until such time that I was legally made the principal POA and the POA doc was changed to reflect this. It may mean that my mom wouldn't get the care she needs, but I would have no legal responsibility to her and would have to stick with this over any feelings of moral obligation. I know that this is cold-hearted and certainly isn't in my character to usually operate like this. But, sometimes you've gotta look at your own protection as taking the higher priority, especially when dealing with a mentally ill and/or demented parent. Also, if my dad continued with his behavior or did things that were harmful to my mom, I wouldn't hesitate for one second to report him to APS. To this end, I would work toward seeing to it that protection orders for my mom were permanently put in place allowing my dad only supervised visits with my mom and that if he ever was observed mentally or verbally abusing her during those visits or tried to remove her from her place of residence that he would automatically be arrested, jailed, and charged with kidnapping of a vulnerable adult and prosecuted to the full extent of the law for his actions toward my mom. There would be no compassion on my part for him and I remain as uninvolved as possible from any legal proceedings or actions taken against him.

Through this experience I've come to realize that while family loyalty is important, and caring for and about your parents is nice, the reality is that when your parents become old, they can't be trusted. You should expect to have to protect yourself from an elderly parent/elderly parents at some time in theirs and your lives. I was naive and didn't expect this would happen based on past experience with my parents. If your elderly parents are pulling crap on you, turn your back on them, sever ties, even if it means getting written out of their trust/will, and don't look back. No amount of their assets that they may leave you is worth your own integrity and placing yourself in legal, mental, and emotional jeopardy. The scars from that damage will outlast any assets your parents leave you--- any money they leave you will likely go toward the many years of psychological therapy that you'll require as a result of their nefarious behavior. And above all, don't let guilt about turning your back on your elderly parent or severing ties with them out of necessity drive you to get involved or to reattach with them. Just remember that you legally owe your parents nothing unless legally ordered and sometimes feelings of moral obligation need to be thrown to the wayside.

vstefans: Re: your comment about a week ago to report an arrogant AAG who blatantly abused her power: My atty told me that it would go nowhere because the main AG's office in the particular state this happened in is generally very unresponsive. Plus, my atty's strong request and statements to another AAG in that same office as the arrogant AAG to have my situation escalated right up the supervisory ranks hasn't happened, mainly because the arrogant AAG lost her case in the preliminary hearing. I have a friend whose mom used to live in the same state as my parents. When she encountered some serious problems related to her husband's care, she wrote a letter to the main AG's office to report the situation and to enlist their help. It went unanswered, not even an acknowledgement of receipt. My atty said that this is par for the course with that AG's office. In addition, as stated in another post, the AG, himself, was being investigated for vote tampering and election fraud plus threatening AAG's working for him with job termination if they didn't have sexual relations with him. So from my perspective, even if my situation had been escalated up the supervisory ranks as my atty demanded, I doubt that anything would have come of it and that the arrogant AAG would have been disciplined. There are times that you just can't fight city hall and have to realize that alot of these agencies are filled with corruption.

rr4terps, I just want to thank you for taking the time to make all of these thorough and very detailed posts. I got so much good information from them that I copied and pasted them as a document on my computer, a sort of mini-manual for how to handle this type of situation. You have helped me a great deal, and I know I'm not alone, so I'm sure you have helped many others too. I only wish you had not had to experience this awful situation yourself. What a rotten person your father has been to you. You have given me a lot to think about regarding my own situation. Please do keep us posted on how this progresses. Thank you again.

Quick question: have I understood correctly that AGs are elected to their positions, or have I been watching too much television?

Interesting. So the implementation of policy would have political implications and repercussions. And the disciplining of an out-of-control underling could provide ammunition for political opponents, for example. You can see why they'd think these things look much tidier when they're swept under the carpet.

Whereas in the UK, where there is as yet no direct political involvement in the legal system (although there is now in the police, where we've just introduced elected commissioners - my what a startling lack of difference that's made! A bargain the public's had for its money) the family courts are so secluded that it sometimes can't even be reported that cases are happening. This is said to be in order to protect the identities of children, presumably also of vulnerable adults. You'd have to be very cynical, of course, to think it could be to protect poor innocent little officials just trying to get on with their job.

So: how does one make officials accountable for their actions, and to whom should they have to account?

We have two bodies overseeing care of the elders. CSCI - the Commission for Social Care Inspection - was responsible for standards in care homes and was so startlingly useless, toothless and feeble-minded that it was torn up and replaced with the CQC, the Care Quality Commission. These people - where do you suppose the CQC recruited its staff? - are in a double bind. They are responsible for ensuring quality in care. They are therefore eager to ensure that care homes meet the required standards. But they are also responsible for inspections, for identifying care homes that fail to meet the required standards. Their mission, since they have chosen to accept it, becomes ensuring that excellent standards continue on a steady upwards trajectory forever, that atrocious care homes are never allowed to exist but when they do they are immediately closed down - with no loss of amenity to current residents, obviously - and set up again as jolly good ones. Lessons Are Learned. Training Is Improved. This Must Never Happen Again (and again and again…) Very occasionally, an MP or similar public figure has a rude awakening: sadly for her, one such experienced the death of her husband in wretched circumstances that she described, pitifully, in Parliament. I was sorry for her pain, but it reminded me of how often I wish to seize officials and policy makers by the hair and drag them physically into the setting they talk such utter crap about day after day, for a good kicking.

Wards of court, and people who have registered Lasting Powers of Attorney, are protected by the Office of the Public Guardian. The OPG would be responsible for investigating cases such as rr4terps's alleged abuse of POA, and it would be interesting to see if we have any comparable instances going on of overzealous, officious officials managing to get hold of the wrong end of the stick. I'd be surprised, though: one of the advantages of having this kind of highly centralised system is that the people in it tend to be old hands so that bright-eyed enthusiasts like that AAG get sat on quite quickly and told not to get excited. On the other hand, getting them to DO SOMETHING!!! can be more of a problem...

Elected leaders have too much PR at stake and often too little knowledge of their subject.
Commissioned leaders are not subject to regular scrutiny by the general public.
Professional insiders are too keen to close ranks.
None of them takes kindly to being argued with.

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

suezq32: From what you describe about your mother and the brick wall you're hitting with lawyers, judges, APS, drs, etc., it sounds like you're in a no-win battle to get conservatorship or even guardianship over your mother. Unfortunately, the standard for proving mental capacity is very low. If your mom is still in the early stages of Alzheimer's, this is likely the reason she's still able to answer the real basic questions that are used to test mental capacity (i.e., her name, your name, has a concept of time, place, money, etc.). In the early stages of her Alzheimer's, my mom did fairly well on the Mini Mental Test that her Neurologist, and later NeuroPsychiatrist gave her. However, as time went on and her scores continued to plummet, it was apparent that she was no longer mentally capable. It sounds like your mom is still able to do fairly well on the Mini Mental Test and this is why you're not getting anywhere on declaring her mentally incompetent in a court of law. This may be more of a waiting game for you until the time comes that her scores become pretty low (I think that when my mom's scores went to about 20 on the test, she was declared mentally incompetent--- it didn't need to be declared in a court of law since I wasn't trying to get guardianship). I think that at the point when your mom is no longer able to answer the basic questions, it'll be obvious to her drs., and they may approach you to go for conservatorship or guardianship. At that point, drs will probably be more willing to attest to your mom's mental incapacity and put something in writing. The problem is that one test of mental competency/capacity doesn't tell the entire story that the person's family observes on a daily basis and in a different environment from a dr's office. And, in my opinion, the test doesn't go far enough in evaluating a wide enough range of other things. It seems to me that too much emphasis is put on the test and not enough credence/attention is given to observations by family members and in a wider variety of environments than a controlled one (i.e., dr's office). I think that a test of mental capacity needs to look at how the person functions in many other areas on a daily basis. A person can have a sense of time or place, but still forget their way home, forget to turn the stove off and create a potential for fire, and just the fact of being delusional.

Given that you've stated that your mom is delusional and making up stories about things you've done to her, I agree with you that it's time to step away and let someone else handle her care. At some point, her delusion is going to drive her to cross the line and either call the police and report that you've abused her or to say things of this nature to people who are in positions (drs, for ex.) that require them to file a report of abuse against you. And, because her drs, the lawyers, judges, etc. believe your mom to be mentally competent, they won't listen to you and will only listen to her side of the story. From my perspective, you're playing with matches and it's not going to take much for it to escalate into a huge forest fire. So, I suggest that you do what's necessary to protect yourself from your mom. If there isn't a trusted family member who can take over her care, maybe you can look into having your mom become a ward of the state and have the state assign her a person to take over her care. This doesn't mean that you can't continue to be a concerned daughter or stay in touch with your mom. But in any interactions you have with your mom, you need to be very, very careful of what you say to her or do in the way of providing her with help or offering her help because even the most innocent things could be misconstrued by her as you mentally abusing her or meddling. I would suggest that anytime you visit with her or talk with her on the phone, you don't go alone/have someone else on the phone with you, and have witnesses there who can attest to the fact that you didn't do anything bad to your mom. If you're not able to do this, record all phone conversations and conversations during visits with your mom. Also, don't worry that everyone thinks you're the evil daughter because you're not. Just ignore them and do what you feel is best to protect yourself, which right now sounds like stepping out of your mom's care is the route you'll need to take. You've done the best you can under the circumstances and are being the best daughter you can be. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. Unfortunately, I didn't follow this and was way too worried about what others thought about me as a daughter. In the end, I should have listened to my gut and not worried about what others thought of me. Right now, you have to do whatever is necessary to protect yourself legally, mentally, and maybe even physically. Until people have walked a mile in your shoes, they can't possibly understand what you're going through with your mom. So easy for them to be judgmental. But, if they were placed in your position, they'd soon realize where you're coming from. Best of luck with this. I hope it turns out well for you.

And for sure, there is something terribly wrong with the way the system works right now. I have no faith that the system will ever be corrected because nobody wants to put their money where their mouth is and fix the problems. Elder care and elder abuse are currently hot button items because of the increasing percentage of elderly people in our population. Politicians use this hot button item to get elected, leading people to believe that they'll fix the broken system. In the end, it's just lip service so they can get elected.

Countrymouse: Yes, you understood correctly about AGs being elected to their positions here in the US. I don't know how long their term of office is. But, in the case of the AG in my parents' state, he's been in too long in my opinion. I'm not sure whether AAGs are elected or are just appointed by the AG. It also hasn't given me much confidence that the AAG I had the misfortune of dealing with went to one of the worst law schools in the US. I was doing a Google search on her, found her law school, then started investigating its reputation. The average grade point average (GPA) of the law students at that law school is 2.5 to 2.8. Maybe this particular AAG had a better GPA or maybe she just doesn't have the necessary intelligence to have gone to a much better law school. She certainly has demonstrated some very serious deficiencies that I would think would be critical in order to do these types of investigations. I think that these deficiencies reflect very poorly on the law school she went to, or maybe just confirm my belief that she isn't intelligent enough to have gone to a better school. Specifically, not only does she lack the necessary critical thinking skills and social intelligence, but she also lacks intelligence, period. With her demonstrated lack of these necessary skills and intelligence, I seriously doubt that she's capable on any level of being competent at her job as an AAG. And who knows, maybe she's not even competent at being an atty, but covers this up by using bullying and intimidation tactics and by being very arrogant. From my perspective, the AG office in that state just needed any old warm body to fill the spot and they aren't very discriminating about who they hire.

I find your description of the system in the UK interesting. It seems as though there's been a more sincere effort to resolve the problems than there has been in the US. Here, it's just lip service done by a bunch of politicians who tell us what they think we want to hear about this hot button item in order to get elected. Then once in office, they renege on everything they promised about dealing with elder abuse related things. Not having this tied to politics certainly seems like it would help. Maybe the US could take a lesson from the UK. It would be nice to have overzealous AAGs and other investigators (police, detectives, etc.) sat on before they could do something stupid. It certainly also sounds like there's more oversight in the UK of the activities of these investigators than there is here in the US. In the US, it seems as if there really aren't very strict and consistent investigative procedural and conduct guidelines for those involved in abuse cases. And, any training that they get relative to the needs of the elderly and the negative effects of sudden traumatic changes, especially in demented elderly people, is very cursory at the most. So, what you have is a bunch of untrained people conducting these investigations and making some very critical decisions, but no supervisors overseeing their activity to make sure that the investigation has been done thoroughly and in an objective manner. Too often, those involved in an elder abuse investigation allow their sympathies to cloud their common sense and perceptions, allowing themselves to get blindsided, side tracked, and manipulatetd by people like my dad. From the stories I've heard from others, these investigators don't understand the needs of the elderly, don't know or understand how to conduct an objective investigation, and don't seek to get the entire picture by gathering all of the necessary information from all involved parties and verifying all of the statements people make before rendering a decision on how to proceed. Granted, there are elder abuse cases where these investigators have to act quickly and remove the victim from the situation as quickly as possible. However, because most abuse cases fall into a gray area where nobody actually personally witnessed the abuse and it isn't black and white as to whether the injury was an accident or actual abuse, the investigators usually have time to do a more thorough investigation. In fact, both the APS person I spoke with and my attorney said that because the majority of abuse cases fall into this gray area between accidental injury vs actual physical abuse, quite often charges are dropped because they can't be proven beyond a reasonable doubt in a court of law. My atty told me that the standard of “beyond a reasonable doubt” is a very high standard and almost impossible to prove unless you have a lot of witnesses with the same exact story or if you have a videotape of the actual abuse as it's in the process of happening. Too often, authorities' reactions are knee-jerk ones. Add to this that for a lot of these investigators, being assigned to deal with elder abuse cases is usually the first stepping stone in their careers. This often means that their goal is to move up the ladder into higher positions. So, they put their careers first, before the needs of the elder abuse victim, knowing that they can do their dirty deeds and then move up the ladder never giving a second thought to the devastation they leave behind for the victim and/or his/her family. The other thing which bothers me is that there really is no way for innocent family members who,like me, have been bullied and intimidated by an AAG and/or police detective to report these people without fear of retribution by the legal system in that state. I wanted to report this AAG and the detective to their respective agencies, but was persuaded not to by two attorneys. They said that I would have more trouble down the road with the legal system in that state than I'd want and that the resulting retribution would be a big hassle. In my opinion, this is very unfortunate because this sort of reporting and feedback from family members could go a long way in helping many of the states in the US to make improvements that would benefit elder abuse victims. I have a college friend who is an atty in the state my parents live in and he gave me the name of a newspaper reporter who has done a lot of investigative reporting on the dismal state of affairs for elder abuse victims in that state. He suggested that I contact her and tell my story. But, I'm afraid of the potential repercussions and retributions by the particular AAG and detective I dealt with. To me, this is a very sad state when a person's rights have been violated, her parent dies as a result of the neglect of duty and incompetence of the investigators, but she's so scared of the repercussions and of retribution that she won't risk blowing the whistle on these evil doers. From my perspective, that's a sign of a very broken and dysfunctional system.

Tesoro12: I'm glad that my posts have been helpful to you and that you've copied them to your computer for future reference. Thanks for letting me know that you found this info. helpful. I hope that you'll never encounter a similar situation with your parents. It's very traumatic and emotionally heart wrenching to realize that your own parent betrayed you and has put you in such a precarious position with legal authorities all for his own narcissistic interests and delusions. My dad has never even asked me why I'm not talking with him on the phone, but has told others that he doesn't understand it. I'm pretty certain that my dad knows why and is very ashamed of what he did, so feels uncomfortable asking me to explain. Right after the AAG threatened and accused me, I informed my dad of it and told him that his statements to the AAG and other legal authorities had been the cause. Then, in subsequent notes, I've mentioned it at a high level, without pointing the finger at him, but giving him enough information about it that he knows exactly what I'm referring to. If he truly didn't know why I'm directly talking to him anymore or really cared and wanted to have a relationship with me, he would have asked (actually begged) me to explain to him why I'm limiting communications to writing. But, he has made no effort to reach out to me, hasn't asked me to explain, and is using this as a way to garner even more pity for himself. He's going around telling people that he no longer has a family. Well, what does he expect when he's alienated his entire family? The fact also is that for the past 7 or so years, he's been unable to tell me that he loves me, while being very easily able to tell non-family members that he loves them. His reply to my telling him that I love him has been a very cold and detached “thank you”. So, he's made it abundantly clear by not reaching out to me and having portrayed me as a meddler and elder abuser to legal authorities that he really doesn't give a crap about me. Even if he were to make an effort to reach out to me and ask me why I'm no longer calling him, I'm not sure how or if I could reattach with him. I'd have to worry about every conversation possibly resulting in him misconstruing something I've said and then telling staff at his facility or others that I'm meddling or mentally abusing him. Emotionally, it would take a big toll on me and would be very stressful. In my opinion, it isn't worth the risk. And, even if I took the approach and was willing to risk that he probably now won't report me to either authorities or staff at his facility, the fact of his betrayal still remains. His betrayal has caused irreparable damage to our relationship. With his betrayal, he broke the father-daughter bond of trust that we had had since the day I was born. Any reattachment wouldn't be on the basis of a father-daughter relationship but rather, would be solely for the sake of an inheritance. From my perspective, having a relationship with my dad and pretending I care just so I can get an inheritance would make me a hypocrite and would mean giving up my integrity, which I suspect would later come back to haunt me and take a different type of emotional toll. I believe that there are some situations that you just have to walk away from, even if it means losing out on something. This is one of those situations. But, in walking away from my dad and an inheritance, I walk away with my integrity intact and being able to look at myself in the mirror each day and not be disgusted that I sold my sole to the devil (in this case, my dad).

CM, that's the problem when AG and judges are elected. When they're elected, they NEED to prove that they are doing their job. Even if it means sending innocent people to jail. Or if the judges are Appointed by the legislature or governor. Then politics come to play in the court system. It's now Who You Know and not that you're innocent.

Not many votes in defending someone who's accused of picking on a little old lady. Possibly slightly more votes in defending someone who's been accused by an over zealous official in cahoots with a bullying lawman, but on the other hand minus several million votes for employing zealots and bullies in the first place.

But we do love our democratic accountability, don't we? And if only we had a more energetic and engaged demos it could even work...

I just stumbled across this thread. My husband was requested by one of his brothers to meet for lunch, this past Sunday, with their mother & sister. This is the woman who told him she had considered drowning him at birth... she loved him but didn't like him... posted a long rant on Facebook filled with lies and hate. She contacted someone with the State stating that she was afraid of him and he called her a bitch. I overheard the conversation. She called him a son-of-a-b*tch and his response was something about what did that make her? The State could have closed his business and left him to be unemployable in his profession. (without making this much longer, over a year ago, he told his mother to remove him from her will and that he did not want anything from her) I was afraid that my brother-in-law would be able to talk my husband into a meeting. We anticipated that the brother was pushed into trying to get my husband to 'make up' with his mother. He was unsuccessful. After reading all of this thread and the comments, I am so very glad that my husband chose to stay away. I would have gone with him but I was hoping I would not have to. It is very scary to feel the need to hire a lawyer to protect you from your parents. It is a scary world when you are guilty until proven innocent. I am SO thankful that I found this site and these helpful people! Thank you all.

HarpnJack: Your mother-in-law sounds like she's been mentally ill for many years. I just can't imagine a mother telling her child, adult or not, that she wanted to drown him at birth and that she didn't like him. There's something very mentally wrong with her. It also sounds like she might not have even loved your husband. After reading this about your mother-in-law, I feel fortunate that for most of my life, up until about 9 – 10 yrs ago, my dad was a very loving father who consistently and sincerely demonstrated his love and concern. If legal authorities had questioned him 10 or more years ago, he never would have said the things about me to them that he did 2 years ago. Your mother-in-law definitely crossed the line in initiating a call to the state to report your husband. When she crossed that line, she became a very dangerous person for your husband and your family. In this same way, my dad became a very dangerous person for me. Your husband is very smart to have completely severed the ties with his mom and not be persuaded by his brother to meet with her and reconcile their differences, especially given the huge negative impact it would have on his profession, not to mention on your lives. It seems like this is a case where your mother-in-law has so far overstepped the boundary that there's no going back. She has done irreparable damage to your husband's and her relationship. This was the same thing with my dad and me. In my opinion, once that bond of trust is broken and a parent does what your mother-in-law and my dad did, there can be no mending because the trust is no longer there. I respect your husband for being able to tell his mom to write him out of her will. Did she actually write him out? I think that there comes a point where you draw the line, create a boundary, and take a stand not to allow yourself to be treated with so much disrespect or to place yourself into a position where you could be used as somebody's scapegoat, meaning that you just walk away from it all. In my opinion, no inheritance is worth compromising your principles and integrity for and allowing yourself to be placed in a position that could cause some devastating consequences for you. At least your husband can walk away from his mom with his head held high and his self-esteem and integrity intact. From the perspective of your brother-in-law trying to get your husband to meet with is mom, I also see a total lack of disregard for your husband and his wishes with this.. Your husband has made his position very clear. If his mom can't respect that, at least his brother should have and should have told their mom that he wasn't going to play the middle man. I'm glad that your husband stood his ground and refused to meet with his mom. If she's like my dad, she'll tell your husband what he wants to hear and promise to treat him better and not report him to authorities. Then, within a short time, it'll be back to the same old, same old crap with her. This is how my dad has consistently operated not only with me but also with others, as well. His insincerity is appalling. I think it's a matter of accepting that this person isn't going to change and so why put yourself in jeopardy and waste your life with an evil person who is only going to ruin your life and make you feel miserable? And, I agree with you that it's scary to have to hire a lawyer to protect yourself from your own parent/parents--- a pretty sad and pathetic situation, too, as well as being costly.