How should I handle situation where I was threatened with criminal prosecution when my Dad portrayed me as elder abuser and meddler?

I'm so sorry to hear that your mother passed away. How terribly sad, and especially sad how it came about.

The profound ignorance of the AAG and the investigating officer are, I'm sorry to say, no big surprise. I no longer even turn a hair when nurses, GPs, OTs and even social workers give me their potted definition of dementia and have it most wondrously WRONGGGGGG!!! I just sigh briefly, smile if I'm up to it, and recommend they skip through a layman's guide to the various types.

Patience, patience, patience… Perhaps we need some kind of leaflet that we can hand to these people with a gentle smile and request that before we continue any discussion they have a quick read of it.

It doesn't help that dementia comes, of course, on top of any existing problems with mental health and/or personality. One of my mother's less attractive characteristics - I remind myself not to blame, but to try to understand her - is her sideways approach to getting her way. She wants me to do something. Does she ask me? No. She will despairingly tell one of my siblings about it. Sibling will naturally assume that I have obstructed this wish, although usually the first I've heard of it is when they then - understandably - storm in all guns blazing and demand to know why mother is being deprived of xyz. "Er, because she didn't mention she wanted it…" You'd think we'd all be wise to it by now, but she's so (literally) pathetic in her manner that it is hard not to believe that she is too sad or frightened to stand up for herself.

It's this desire to have whomever they're speaking to "on their side" above all, regardless of the actuality of whatever they're describing. A straight story, a clear request, a rational argument you never get. So your father, RR4, couldn't possibly admit "I'm becoming too frail and tired to cope with my wife's admin." That would make him look either weak or lazy. So there had to be a reason that didn't reflect poorly on him. I know! "My daughter insisted. I didn't want to hand over, but she Made Me."

I'm gritting my teeth thinking of it. It's incensing, but - as so often - if you try to see it through his eyes there is a form of logic to it, which at least makes it understandable if no less frustrating and problematic. No thought to the consequences, of course: his priority was for everyone to think he was brave and wonderful and a brilliant husband and loyal to his daughter even though she is such a control freak blah blah blah.

Ugh. This is a good heads-up. I'm looking forward to hearing more.

As for my mom's current status: She passed away a month after being forcefully and traumatically moved from her familiar one-on-one
caregiving environment to a memory unit at the facility my dad was at (he was in the independent living unit) where it was 1:8 or 1:10
care giving. She basically starved herself to death because she didn't want to be there. Years ago, she confided to me that she couldn't
stand my dad, but couldn't leave him out of a sense of loyalty. So, I can imagine that she wasn't real happy at his 5 or more times a day
visits. Plus, I was told by someone that my dad truly didn't understand my mom's dementia and was saying and doing things that weren't
appropriate (which had been the case even before this). After my dad having told authorities that I had coerced him into handing over my mom's medical POA, my mom's new care manager contacted me to tell me that my dad was incapable of doing this job and that he admitted it and wanted me to take it over again and be totally involved again. I refused, telling the care manager that my dad is now completely on his own to deal with my mom's care and do the medical POA duties and that I won't help in any way. I explained to her about the threats and accusations and that my dad had been the cause and that I wouldn't risk any more accusations, bullying, intimidation, or being arrested and jailed on false premises. I have a clean legal slate and have no intentions of allowing my dad to sully that. I have more to write, but have some errands to run, so will continue at a later time. One reason I'm posting this stuff, in addition to getting feedback because I'm conflicted as to whether I'm taking the right path, is also to make people aware of the horrible problems their elderly parents can cause them and the horrible consequences, both legally and in terms of familial relationships. If this helps just one person, I'll feel like something good has come out of my experience.

Continuing on with my response: I realize now that I should have contacted my dad's estate atty when he refused to have his atty put the successor POA in writing and should have enlisted her help in working with my dad to make it official. Unfortunately, I had no experience or guidance in dealing with elderly parents and I stupidly trusted my dad because, up to that point, he had given me no reason to distrust him. Also of note is that my dad doesn't get along with many people, has alienated many (including his entire extended family over many years), and anyone who confronts him with his behavior or doesn't agree with him is immediately pushed away or fired, as was the case with my mom's very first care manager who allegedly filed a report with APS against my dad because of his mentally and verbally abusive behavior toward my mom and the concern that it would escalate to physical abuse. The AAG didn't bother to investigate or verify my dad's mental status. In fact she and the elder abuse detective showed a deplorable lack of understanding of elderly people and the fact that even someone who presents themselves as being mentally with it may in fact be mentally ill and have a degree of dementia. What they also don't understand is that dementia covers a very wide range of things and isn't limited to memory problems. It also encompasses the distorted perception of reality that occurs as an elderly person's brain shrinks with age. This was certainly the case with my dad. He has so successfully been able to manipulate non-family members into believing that he's mentally stable that these people have closed their eyes to anything else dealing with my dad and only listen to and believe his side of the story. This even includes the estate atty he went to to write me out of his part of the family trust. When the AAG, elder abuse detective, and the rest of their thugs walked into my dad's apartment to talk with him, red flags should have gone up all over the place about his mental status because it was an absolute shrine to himself with plaques and trophies and certificates plastered all over the place singing his praises. And, when he turned a conversation focused on my mom to being all about himself, using his manipulative techniques of garnering pity to get the pity of the authorities, they shouldn't have allowed themselves to fall for this. If they were competent in their jobs, they would have known how to deflect this and stay objective and stick with the subject (i.e., my mom). One of my dad's neighbors in his facility even immediately recognized that my dad is a head case as soon as she walked into his shrine to himself. In fact, she told me that I should just go home and live my life and forget about my dad. Because he had portrayed me as a meddler, I won't even take the risk to talk with his Psychiatrist whom he's seeing for depression. I have reason to believe that he's even pulled the wool over this shrink's eyes about his true mental status. When my dad is confronted or challenged, he also immediately starts bad mouthing the object of his anger and airing his dirty laundry in the community he lives in. This equates to slander in my books and goes back many, many years to even before he retired and moved to his current city. Interestingly, nobody has sued him for slander--- maybe because they figure they won't get anywhere because he is well known in his community for his volunteer work and has high standing. Based on my interactions with several of my dad's associates, his primary care physician, and even staff at some of the senior facilities he's lived at and the disrespectful way in which several of them have treated me, I know that he has bad mouthed me and has led them to believe that I'm a bad person because I, too, have confronted him with his behavior toward my vulnerable mom (and even before she became demented) and have questioned him on some decisions he has made, stating my concerns to him that these decisions weren't in my mom's or his best interests and could lead to negative consequences for both of them. So, I shouldn't be surprised that when authorities went to his apt to talk with him, he would also bad mouth me to them, as well. Problem is that he did so without forethought to the negative impacts to both my mom and me (I'll explain in another post). And, while he's very good at leading people to believe that he's mentally very with it, he also is very adept at playing the elder card and pretending that he doesn't understand things. I have strong reason to believe that my dad knows exactly why I have detached from him and that he's very ashamed of what he did, but won't admit it to me. Instead, he's playing the elder card pretending he doesn't understand, even though I told him the exact result of his statements to the AAG and about her resulting accusations and threats immediately after my phone call with the AAG, and have also, at a very high level explained to him in several of my notes without pointing a finger at him why I have to limit communications with him to writing. I've let him know in these notes that I very much care about him and am concerned about his health, safety and welfare. I've also let him know that his support system there can certainly contact me if they have concerns about him in these areas. I also scan each note into my computer before sending it so I have proof of what I wrote to him. I've also encouraged him to keep in communication with me, something he has refused to do. Instead, he has told people he has disowned me for being friends with my mom's alleged abuser (this is totally untrue) because he doesn't want to be seen as not being the one to have initiated the detachment action, and people unfortunately are believing him. The sad part is that these people have been so manipulated by my dad that their perceptions and common sense are clouded. He has stupidly lashed out with his claims of his having disowned me and then following through by going to his estate atty. Basically, he has deluded himself into believing that he's not the culprit here and that I didn't willy-nilly just decide to detach from him. What's also deplorable to me is that his estate atty, who supposedly is very good at filtering out mental status, has declared that his mental capacity is fine and that he knows what he's doing. She hasn't even sought to find out what's behind his action. So typical because nobody in that community has bothered or been willing to ever hear my side of the story. My atty feels that there may be some undue influence by someone/multiple people who have a vested interest in my dad's assets. My atty also told me that the standard for proving mental capacity is very low--- basically, you just have to know your name, what day it is, where you are, know family member's names. But, it take into account mental illness and delusional behavior. Naturally, I'm angry about what my dad has done to me, but have no recourse to right it either with the AG's office or with his estate atty. It's a done deal. My atty had had the occasion to talk with another AAG about the bullying and intimidation by the other AAG and had also, several times during the conversation, strongly stated that she wanted this incident escalated right up the supervisory chain to the very top (i.e., the state's AG). The AAG my atty spoke with was very upset by how I had been treated, but nothing has been done because the AG's office and AAG lost their case. It never went to trial, but the judge at the hearing saw right through the AAG. Unfortunately, nobody made him aware of her bullying and intimidation of a family member. My atty told me it would be like fighting city hall to bring a lawsuit against the AAG and the elder abuse detective and that I'd get nowhere except to incur high legal fees. So, I've had to live with the anger associated with all of this. My atty is very honest and she's aware that legal fees can go pretty high, so doesn't want me investing money on lawsuits that are losing battles and end up just being money pits. Basically, I have to choose my battles. My atty also believes that the AAG will eventually be caught and have the book thrown at her so hard that her head will be spinning. I can only hope for this and that it leads to her being indicted and disbarred, along with spending a long time behind bars in an orange jumpsuit. Interestingly, 8 mos. after my dad portrayed me as a meddler, when the AAG showed up at his doorstep with a video camera to record his statements about my mom's care manager having financially defrauded my dad, despite the AAG doggedly trying to coerce my dad into saying he had been defrauded, he wouldn't cave in and told the truth both that my mom's care manager didn't defraud him and that I had never meddled into his finances or other affairs. Granted, the only reason he told the truth was to save his own butt and not because he gives a hoot about me. Once recorded on camera coming directly out of his mouth, he wouldn't be able to deny having said those things. It's so unfortunate that legal authorities, from police detectives all the way up to AAGs/AGs and even judges, are so appallingly lacking in understanding of elder needs and functioning. I think that there should be requirements for training and certification and some pretty strict guidelines for these people before they're even allowed to participate in an abuse investigation (I think this pertains to both elderly and other vulnerable individuals no matter what age). I'm actually thinking about talking with one of my state legislators to discuss this. But right now, my head is spinning with all of the events that have happened. I'm still wondering how the heck I became a victim of a legal system and how I could allow myself to have been manipulated by my severely mentally ill dad into believing that he would remain loyal to both my mom and me. Boy, family dynamics can sure be complicated, especially when mental illness is involved.

rr4terps, I would send a letter (have your attorney proofread it) to the AAG agreeing to sever all ties and stop acting as POA, providing the AAG arrange for a Guardian Conservator to be appointed in that jurisdiction, someone who is supervised by the courts. The court psychiatrist will establish the patient is delusional, quite quickly. Also request that any future visitation be supervised. (make sure you stay away until he is properly medicated) You WANT supervised visitation to protect YOURSELF. Heck, I would even want a nanny cam, because pictures don't lie.

I realize that you're not finished writing, but I want to say this. The minute my mother in law said she was going to call the authorities and report my husband (her son) for elder abuse because he was bullying her (explaining to her that smoking was going to worsen her COPD), he stepped out of the situtation and let others care for her. He would have done this even if he'd been an only child.

Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate your insights. It gives me great comfort to know that I have taken the right path with my dad. I'm going to put my replies into a few posts because of their length. First: When my dad executed the successor POA part of my mom's medical POA, he refused to go to his estate attorney and make it legal by putting it in writing despite my pleas to do so. He told me that a legal agreement was just as good as one in writing, which my atty indicated to be true. So, it became my dad's word against mine and the AAG and her thugs (police elder abuse detective, people from adult protection services (APS), others from the AG's office) chose to believe my dad without even investigating or verifying his statements. My atty told me that it's very, very common for medical personnel and caregiving staff/facilities to go to the person named as successor POA, even when there has been no official resignation by the principal POA, in cases where either the principal isn't available (e.g., out of the country) or they just can't deal with the principal. The latter was the case with my dad and drs no longer wanted to deal with him because of his pathological behavior. Given my mom's various needs, her various medical conditions that needed attention and continued maintenance, and the fact of those involved with her care not being able to deal with my dad and often enlisting my help as the daughter, I felt that my dealing with my mom's immediate needs was of a higher priority than trying to motivate my dad to put the successor POA in writing. Even before my dad had executed the successor POA, I had told him that I live too far away to do it but that I would give him guidance and provide info. to care giving staff and medical personnel on things that he didn't know or remember that would help these people better care for my mom. Then, one of his close associates contacted me to tell me that my dad wasn't capable of performing the POA duties and that he was struggling with it and that she thought I needed to take it over. I still held with living too far away, but this person had already advised my dad to talk with me about it, which he did shortly thereafter. Even the staff at my mom's first care home told me that my dad told them that he wished I would just take over the whole thing with my mom's care because he couldn't handle it. My dad is an extreme narcissist who can never be seen as doing anything wrong. He goes to great lengths to portray himself as a nice little old man who is innocent and is everyone else's victim, rather than vice versa. The AAG, who very likely didn't even bother to look at the POA document, declared that I had committed a crime by acting as my mom's medical POA and then threatened me with criminal prosecution with no legal basis. When I told her of my dad's and my verbal agreement and that he asked me to do the POA on the basis of his not being able to handle the job, the AAG very strongly implied that I was lying and told me that my dad had stated that he was perfectly capable of handling the job and had been all along-- which, from my perspective, is an implication that I had coerced him into handing it over to me, which isn't true at all. Then the AAG went on to accuse me of the meddling and tell me that my dad had told authorities that even though he loves me, he's very afraid of me, afraid to make me mad at him, and afraid of what will happen if I get mad at him-- i.e., portraying me as a meddler and an abuser. Given that I have never had an encounter with any legal system, let alone an AAG, I was totally terrified and traumatized by her bullying and intimidation. When I called my dad right after the phone call with the AAG and told him of her threats and accusations and that they had been a result of his telling her these things, he didn't deny that he had made any of those statements. In fact, he admitted to not telling authorities of our verbal agreement but refused to tell me why he hadn't told them and only used a deflective technique for the other accusations--- e.g., in a very dismissive tone of voice "why would I be afraid of you? After all, you're my daughter." If he really hadn't made those statement, I believe that he would have strongly denied them. Given that he didn't, I know that he said those things. I also believe that his main motivation was to get pity for himself and that, as usual, he gave no forethought to the impact that these types of statements could have. Because of the nature of the AAG's threats and accusations and that I didn't want to be once again bullied and intimidated by her I asked my dad to put into writing permission for me to call and talk to my mom, visit her, and ask staff how she was doing, none of which was necessary according to my atty because I'm a family member. But, because the verbal POA agreement had resulted in the threats of criminal prosecution, I wasn't about to trust any verbal permission my dad gave to my mom's facility staff and told my dad that. But my dad kept stubbornly refusing to put any permission into writing. As a result, I sent an email to the head of the memory unit where my mom had been placed by the AAG, enlisting her help in having my dad write the permission. Instead of responding to my email to inform me that she couldn't do this, the memory unit head went directly to the AAG and told her of my email. I have no idea what this memory unit head told the AAG or if she even forwarded my email request to the AAG. But, I then received an email from the AAG once again accusing me of meddling into my mom's life and trying to act as the POA and once again threatening me with criminal prosecution, without even seeking to understand or ask me what I was asking. That's when I retained an attorney. To answer the question of where I found this attorney, I called the local office of the atty that I use for my own legal stuff (e.g.., estate planning, refinancing mortgages). Because this was an out-of- state situation and none of the attys in that office have a license to practice law in my dad's state, an elder law atty in that office gave me the name and phone number of the atty in my dad's state who has alot of experience in elder law, estate planning, etc. I first Googled this atty to determine her ratings and reputation. After seeing that both were pretty highly rated, I contacted her.

This is tricky. My answer hinges on whether you can safely continue to long distance caregiver for your mom while having absolutely no contact with dad. Does he control funds. If the answer is no, I'd have my lawyer (not you) write a letter to dad resigning any poa or responsibility you have to him but indicating that you intend to continue caring for mom. But frankly, if your mom's dementia is at the point where she no longer knows you, I would resign as poa from both (again, through the lawyer) and terminate contact. Your dad sounds like he has some sort of organic brain disease in addition to whatever mental illness and or dementia is going on. I would not risk ending up in jail.

"Very carefully" was going to be my answer to your headline question. But this is no occasion for flippancy.

Where is your mother now? And have I got this right: the current situation is that you have POA for your mother, which your father has resigned to you as his successor on the original document, and your father therefore has no further official involvement in her care. What happened with the investigation into her facility's manager?

Your father, meanwhile, is sitting in his own place playing silly buggers with his local authorities, among whom is this officious lady who thinks she's sunk her teeth into a juicy Protection of Vulnerable Adults bone and is having a high old time with it at your financial and emotional expense. Oh thank God for welfare regulation, eh!

As regards your father, I would be guided by your lawyer who sounds as if he might as some point have had contact with the normal human world. Cool! - where did you find him? Can you have him cloned and distributed, please? Oh, and what kind of communications have you, in the past, had with his facility's staff? I realise that he is their main concern and their responsibility is to him, but if you had a good relationship with them prior to this they may be important witnesses to the reality of your behaviour. Which would be a comfort.

As regards your mother, it depends on what's going on with her now.

As regards yourself, one or two things. Your father has hurt you very deeply, over a long, long time. But you *know* why, and you *know* it's nothing you've done wrong: it's not even personal. Hey, from his point of view, this is fun! He is, bluntly, a head case. Pity him. And stay away from him until you feel ready to express any residual love you may have. The other thing is that you are handling this with really exceptional aplomb and should give yourself credit for enormous sensitivity, intelligence and focus on the things that matter. Take a medal.

I know that they're your parents but I would cut all ties - including your mother. Unfortunately, he has it in against you. You stop writing, he will complain that you abandoned him even though he started it. If something goes wrong, he will say that you have POA and you're shirking your responsibility. I'd listen to your lawyer. Like Glad said, once an AG is involved, it's time to for you to seriously think how close you are to being charged. Right now, she doesn't have enough to go on to charge and extricate you from out of state. But if you keep communicating with your father, you're pushing your luck. You've been given a warning by your father, by the AG, by your lawyer. Open your eyes to the reality and please listen to your lawyer. Back off - completely.

P.S.. about that open door... if your father has dementia, and is two-faced (one way to you, and another to others)- he can sincerely tell you that he's sorry, he misses you, etc... and then when you come to visit, Wham! He accuses you again. I'd be very, very careful about that 'open door.'

Yes, I too would resign. If you have an over zealous AAG you need to think about your future, and keeping your record clean. Make sure you notify the proper authorities of the resignation so they cannot then accuse you of abandonment.

these old people can be mean. I would hire someone like an attorney to protect myself.

I like Jessie's answer much better than mine. Especially like "...until a friendly door was opened for me to walk through."

So, I'll just say: "I second that motion." Great advice.

I tried to imagine what I would do in your situation. I think I would resign as successor and include an honest reason why I was resigning. Then I would let my father and mother know in writing that I would have liked to keep contact with them, but under the circumstances I feared the false accusations would lead to trouble for me. Then I would cut ties until a friendly door was opened for me to walk through. This would have to be a door I could come through without any legal responsibilities for either of them. They are your mother and father, but you do not owe them your reputation and possible legal action.

I wondered if your father has dementia. Some of the things people with dementia come up with sounds so much like what your father did.

Wow. Just w.o.w.

You should remain detached from him. Me personally? I'd have no further dealings with him at all, in writing or otherwise. If you must, send him best-wishes greeting cards signed only "With Love." When the AAG gets involved, it's time to take it very, very seriously. If you don't detach, if you continue writing to him, in my opinion, it's only a matter of time before he claims harassment or some other false charge against you.

When you beat your head against a wall...guess what? It hurts. Stop doing it. Now.