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We do have the option of her coming to live with me in Tennessee, however she has lived most of her 90 years in California.
I am the only family member that does not live close to the assisted living facility.

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The original question was asked 8 years ago, but it is so relevant to everybody who has just taken a relative to residential care. You should not feel guilty about this. Old people do not like change. Period. The older they get, the less willing they are to accept any change, however minor. Even less do they like change which has been "done for them" even if one is carrying out a plan agreed years ago. Dementia/Alzheimer's is cruel because you cannot reason with the patient - their memory is impaired, their logic circuits are broken, so you cannot explain.

If you are the relative in the place of the carer, the best advice is - wait and see. Be patient. Put up with all the insults and bad temper. Wait for the patient to become acclimatised and accepting. If you notice later that there are signs of lack of care, take this up with management - all facilities are being paid money to take care of old people, so you need to get bang for your buck.

Make the patient's surroundings as homey as possible with familiar pictures on the wall, photo abums full of photos of family and friends. They are fun to leaf through even after names and faces have been forgotten. Visits are important. But never give in and offer to take the patient back to live with you. NEVER. You would both suffer.
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Glad I read this. I am going through the "growing pains" of moving my Dad to a ALF that is 5 minutes away from my home, and it's been an internal battle.

It's cheaper and saves me a 45 minute - hour drive for my visits 4X a week, but Dad is MISERABLE. Like others have said, my Dad refuses to even TRY the activities at the ALF outside of meals, and after being emotionally beat up for the last couple of years, I have decided not to take on that responsibility. You can't change a zebra's stripes.

I've been struggling with the fact that Dad is so terribly confused about everything, and the move seems to have exacerbated his dementia symptoms, but I had to remind myself that he hasn't been in the new place 10 whole days yet. Things will get better.

Furthermore, dementia or not, some seniors are MASTER manipulators. They are "so lonely" until you come around. They can't eat the food at the facility but will gobble up any outside food you bring or restaurant food.

I'm learning that I am doing the best I can given the situation. For those that said move Mom, they may have different resources or time or expertise when caring for a sensitive senior.

I ALMOST guilted myself into moving Dad in with me when he couldn't afford the other ALF. Though the numbers showed a MINOR decrease in expenses and I could have saved on rent if I delegated half of it to Dad, I would have been completely miserable.

Managing someone at home with minimal help is HARD. You have to keep up with more, and I would have been solely responsible for getting him around, making sure he ate, and have the extra burden of coordinating his care when I had to travel for work.

At 40, that's a big NO THANK YOU. I'm learning that I am doing a helluva lot more than my Dad's other kids who don't even come to see him, and there's no easy solution to this difficult situation (although the doctor's pockets seem to be getting mighty fat at the sake of these poor seniors suffering... yet I digress)

Do the best you can with what you have to work with. Be grateful that you can afford to place your LO in a facility. That alone is a blessing. Cut yourself a break. This is hard, and at least you know that your LO is safe and monitored at the ALF.

Live your life. You don't want your epitaph to say Here lies _____. They spent their lives taking care of mom and doing nothing else while your LO's would read ________lived a full live of adventure....

You're doing a great job in spite of the circumstances (OK I just gave myself a pep talk)
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My mom with moderate dementia and too many health issues to mention has been in a nursing facility since June of 2017..has adjusted better making some friends and she is hateful, bitter, resentful and tries to b controlling..I am the oldest child of 2 I visit 4x a week take her out take her food which she complains she doesn’t like and doesn’t like facility food either..she has 2 grown grandchildren who visit maybe once a month and bring their children who r small she lived between me and my sibling for 2-3 years was not happy with either of us..griped about great grandkids being too noisy but would not go in her room where she wouldn’t have to hear them..at times you’d think she was perfectly normal mentally and says nurses/docs tell her she has no dementia...she will never b satisfied wherever she is..you just can’t make her happy and I can’t blame other family for not wanting to c her..they r mentally exhausted by the time they leave so there r people who adjust to being in a facility and some never do my moms doc even told her it was a matter of her WANTING to adjust...I WOULD NEVER BRING HER HOME....she was happy as long as u waited on her hand/foot and she had her way...would tell sitter lies about me when she was with her then when I would come home she would tell me lies about sitter who was a family member who has been sitting with people for 30 years...I wish my mother would b more active and involved in activities @ the facility and it would help her pass time instead of saying little put downs to me when I’m there...I wish she didn’t have to b there and if there were any other way she wouldnt..lord knows I feel guilt every time I leave there and she’s standing at the window watching me wave as I walk to my car...sad situation whatever way u go
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Take her to Tennessee. How long she has left also depends on her emotional state of mind.
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It took my mom about a month to be adjusted and feel secure in her new surroundings
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Tough times but having a difficult person to take care of exhausts both of you, I told my husband that we were going to have major work done on our house and I would be living with my sister and he would be staying in a nice place. Thank goodness he believed me and adjusted. Now after a year he no longer knows any of his family but has adjusted. No there is no money left for those house repairs but he is safe and I am sane - or think I am.
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Your Mother's reaction is normal because it's a big change. It's very depressing to leave home and acknowledge that she can't live alone. Give it a month or two to see if she adjusts. Also, keep in contact with the facility to be sure that she is interacting with others. Usually the social aspect will be the most important influence. And keep in touch with her. If she were to move to TN her reaction may still be the same and she would want to go back.. Imagine yourself in a whole new way of life. It takes time to adjust. Many years ago during a telephone conversation ( on my Father-in-Law's behalf) the lady on the phone advised me that the elderly change their minds, a lot! It would probably be best if she stayed and adjusted. If you bring her home, it's a big adjustment for you and your family as well. These choices are not easy. This site is a wonderful source of information! And you can see how others are struggling to take care of their family members. Some stories show you how blessed you are. Take care.
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You just reminded me of a story where someone in our town got in the middle of a fight and got beat up to the point it messed up his head so bad he had to be involuntarily admitted to a nursing home. I know he must've been unhappy at some point because he eventually awoled and just walked out the door one day and just started walking back toward downtown to his apartment. He owned a section I guess, he lived above his antique shop and he was almost home when cops found him and picked him up. I only wish he would've made it because then he could've gone in the safety of his upstairs apartment and locked himself in and I don't blame him for leaving. The reason why he left is most likely because of how things run around there and I wouldn't be surprised if he's not the first one to have left these facilities and just simply walked out and never returned. If you had to live in one of those facilities and you had to see and hear what they see and hear, you wouldn't blame them either. Anytime you've been institutionalized at any point in your life, you don't want to go back. Anytime you're first institutionalized, It definitely gives you the feeling of death, loss of freedom from being locked in and having to live under a completely different lifestyle than you're used to and being surrounded by almost nothing you had at home. There's nothing like being able to pull anything you want out of the fridge or the pantry. There's also nothing like watching late-night TV, coming and going as you please and not having to answer to anyone. There's just nothing like living alone and having peace and quiet with no one bothering you. You need not worry much about being quiet when you have your own house, but you also need not worry when you live in a downtown apartment with no neighbors late at night. There's nothing like living in a historical town where our forefathers lived before us. Nope, there's no place like home as Dorothy said in the Wizard of Oz. No wonder this guy left, he wanted to go to his real home downtown and I don't blame him. Of course he was later moved to another facility out of town and I wouldn't put it past him to start walking again to find his way back or start a new life elsewhere
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Agreeing with other posters that it really takes about 3 mos to settle in and make new friends, try new activities, etc. If she is pouting and isolating herself in her room, she is manipulating you - don't fall for it. Instead, check out the activity calendar and maybe "invite yourself" along for a few activities to get her to mingle more.
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I agree with everyone else about leaving them in the AL. U R told transition is 6 weeks, but for most it is 3 months. It's wise to become friends with other residents, a little younger than mom and visit/play/tease together/bring them snacks (be sure of their diet restriction). 2 younger ladies became my mom's best friend and protector. It's easy to do because she is friendly and sweet. Now taking her out sounds like a good idea, BUT taking her back makes her very sad and upset. Bringing them home, to live with you and "kids" is very very exhausting and stressful, especially as she ages and the disease gets worse. You never have a minute alone. AND there will come a time you need "2" people to take care of her, 24/7 = $$$, so think about that. I wish you well. God Bless you! Oh and go see her very often, That helps. I so wanted to keep mom home, but very little help and little $ to hire help. I also lost out on spending time with my new g.babies. I admire you, but be very realistic as to what you can do.
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She might have a valid reason for wanting to leave and she might not have the where with all to express the reasons. Go there. Spend two weeks observing. Are the residents kept clean? Are there too many with colds? Are they well groomed and dressed? Are residents crying out for help? Are the residents ignored by Nurses Aids who keep busy visiting amongst themselves. Are there black and blue residents? Get to know residents families. Ask them about the care. Go to local churches. Ask members before of after services or meetings if the have relatives of friends in the facility. Would they put their Mother or father there. while checking on a father of a friend while he had to go home for a week, the Nurses Aids never gave his father thickened liquids that he had to have for his health. I saw juices, milk, orange juice and water, nothing thickened. it was horrendous. I was afraid the Father would pass away by chocking or get pnemonia from fluid in his lungs. The staff got mad when I brought a sign in to hang inside or our of the refrigerator said ______'s shelf of thickened liquids. Please do not give any liquids without thickening. We got Mother out of that facility after she was forced into Personal Care and the repeatedly injured there. The memory unit had the worst care of any of the Facilities Units. Blessings. Take action on that feeling of being uncomfortable.
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bella - leave him there that's it. It is where he needs to be. Think of his welfare - nevermind the games he is playing. My mother played lots of games, I still did what I knew was best for her. She didn't always like it but there comes a point in a senior's life where you have to be concerned about their welfare and safety and not about pleasing them. If you can do both, fine If not safety comes first. I know my kids will do that for me, if ever needed.
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countrymouse, you know my scenario I believe with my dad!?

You have given me advice here before, kinda bluntly at times BUT I NEED BLUNT! And lots of it when it comes to this man I call dad!! Cuz (in my own words), I'm a wuss and also a people pleaser....ugh, being that is so exhausting and it makes it 
hard for me to stand up for what I believe in.   But I am trying and working hard to change.

I think you are so right on with your comment above!! Sure makes me look at the situation differently.

Thank you 🐭
💜Bella
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maryeit, you are a jack-a**. My dad with dementia is about to take down my whole life - career, finances, marriage, health. Yes, I placed him in an ALF, otherwise he will outlive us all (his wife, me, my husband), after we are all wrecked.
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Bella, I think it's more likely he's trying to please everyone, don't you? After all, it couldn't be easy for him to admit to you that he loves being taken care of by "outsiders" (i.e. not you!) and that he doesn't want to come home again. He's probably telling you what he thinks you want to hear.
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P.S.
the nurses think my dad is playing me. He tells them he loves it there. He tells me there's a lot he likes there but wants to come home.
What do you think about him playin me?? I think they may be right.
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My divorced parents live at the same AL. After 42 yrs of avoiding each other they regularly visit and have therapy at the same time together. Dad has diabetic neuropathy in hands...mom peels oranges for him, cuts up apples etc....dad told my husband some guy was "making a pass" on my mom...mom keeps me "updated" on dad and vice versa. Both had lots of mini strokes, I can't differentiate between early dementia or whatever.
When I visit I feel like I'm back in high school again.
The people there definitely divide up into their own little groups and there are some that sit by themselves, it makes me sad.
My mom overall loves being at this assisted-living, my dad is determined to come home soon........ugh.......dad likes the assisted-living and everyone there but he's ready to get out, and says he can take care of himself. he did it before.  Really?...then why have you had 5 bypasses cuz of heart attack, uncontrolled diabetes,  diabetic retinopathy, neuropathy, and legally blind?  Had stroke last summer which led to carotid artery surgery. A non healing foot ulcer, poor balance and gets poop all over bathroom/ shower and chairs in his room.  Many  experienced smart friends here at this site have told me to absolutely not let him leave the assisted-living. I totally agree and so do the nurses there, I need more help from his doctor to intervene... 
My family and I live on the same property with my dad, so I will be his main caregiver even though he says he doesn't need help. He plans on getting Help At Home. My stress is SO high now with both of my parents at AL even though they are very well taken care of.   Sloooowlyyyyyyyy learning how to take care of me,
BIG THANKS to this site!💜
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I was advised when I had to move my husband into assisted living that I tell him that I would be on a trip but would visit as soon as I returned. I was surprised that he had adjusted when I returned. Hang in there.
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As sad as this may be, there are darn good reasons people cannot just move their aging or ailing parents in with them. Number 1, they cannot be there to do the caring because they themselves have to work in order to survive!!

It would be great if everyone had the luxury of feeling a paycheck is optional, but for most of us, that's not the case. And if we're talking about Alzheimer's, do not even attempt it unless your willing to take 10 to 20 years off your own life. Unless you've been there, you have no clue what it's like and what it does to you. Then there's the terrible guilt and misery you feel because you *can't care for them.... It's just relentless.
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maryeit: why would you feel the need to shame someone else for their decision? Their life is their's alone. You have not walked in their shoes. I pray you will develop some compassion.
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I have been told that it takes about 3 months and a lot of good coaxing on the part of the staff at AL facilities before someone will even begin to settle in and stop hating the place and everyone/everything that "put" them there. My mom resisted AL and wound up in a nursing home instead due to a serious injury from trying to live on her own when she wasn't capable. ~ Be supportive but encourage staying on a while and meeting the people around her. Most people eventually make friends and I have been told that at some places it becomes like a college dorm and the residents have to be asked if they are planning on staying up ALL night! :D
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What seems to work with others that had the same issue was to tell them that you "have a trip coming up and will be away for a short time". Often that will work better, seeing someone too often makes them want to go home with you - keep in touch with the facility to see how they are doing. Good Luck
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after all the years your parent took care of you and now you just want to lock them up in a nursing home or assistant living how can a person even come close to justice that shame on you go d i pray bless this county
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I hate to say it but I live in an assisted living facility after losing my beloved animals, my home, everything when I became disabled. It is now going into nine years and I have never adjusted - hate living in this environment. The trouble is my mind is razor sharp (mid 80's), still have two jobs (one for 46 years plus) and I am a POA for two people taking care of everything. I love doing this high level functioning work and am also taking college courses. For me, there is nothing here challenging enough to make me want to attend. So I go swimming, to a local health club and out to eat. That is how I keep my sanity. I'd give anything to be back home but I could not handle the steps and all the chores inside and outside the house so I ended up here. It is in my opinion almost impossible and difficult to get adjusted if one has a very high level mental level. It is much easier for very old, ill, feeble, mentally challenged people to adjust given sufficient time.
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I am a RCFE owner and I always tell my families to give it 60-90 days and stay away for a bit and let her settle in on her own. Seniors will make you feel guilty but giving her space to settle in is important. I tell my families to give 3 day gaps between visits so come once to twice weekly and no more in the beginning. If will take time for the adjustment and if you still have trouble with it after 60 days then maybe its not the home for her but trust me by that time you will know!
Best wishes
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I would give it more time as well. You may have to accept the fact that she will not be happy anywhere because at 90 she was probably very independent her entire life and now her independence has been taken away. My elderly aunt is not happy where she is either and I moved her once. I let her pick the second facility and I explained to her that this facility was HER choice and that the next move will be to Indiana from Arizona as I am having enough trouble dealing with this situation from such a distance. She pretty much accepted the decision and I told her that when she chose to move 50 plus years ago, being away from family and not having many visitiors was the consequence of that choice. I have made her very unhappy at times, but keeping firm boundaries with her will be the saving grace for you as time progresses.
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It usually takes some time for them to get adjusted. My mother has dementia and when I could not take care of her well enough, she is 86 I thought that assisted living would be the best option for her. She is now living in an assisted living home in Bridgewood prestigecare. She has been living there for a year now. I still miss her terribly but I know that it is for her own good. The golden tip to keep in mind is to keep in touch always. I call my mother daily and check on her. I always bring her home in the weekends.
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I hate to say it but some people will never, ever be happy in a "home" and can you blame them? Their entire old way of life is gone, they are getting old, they are lonely for their families, and most of the time people in these "homes" are senile with dementia or are very old and feeble. I think it is great if someone can adjust but don't be surprised if some never do. Sometimes things we wish for simply are impossible to obtain. Support her in other ways that you can but accept this is what often happens in the end of life time frame. Sad but true.
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It is best to give it much more time to adjust. Like months. She will get use to it, and have a new routine shortly. Moving someone cross country at that age is horrible idea, and trust me she wouldn't be any happier. Could you maybe go for visit after she has adjusted better in several months? Having someone consistently go visit her, and take small care packages is my advice. God bless, and it will all work out. She is cared for, and in safe environment and that's most important for her. Good luck and prayers to you & mom😊
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Just a thought here. When I moved my mom to a SNF I got to know many of the other residents (the ones that were active and conversed well) and in speaking to one of the gentlemen there, he said how much better he liked this facility compared to the last two places he was in. Another woman agreed with him. They had both been in SNFs about 30 and 60 miles away before . I didn't even know you could go to another place if you didnt like the place you were in. Nor did I look and compare nursing homes. I just chose the one closest to me. Luckily, it's a good one. And btw, my mom doesn't like being there either. But the choice is her or me, and that's sad. After four years of her living with me, I just couldn't do the necessary tasks anymore. My own health was suffering. It came down to this, making a choice on WHO would be the unhappy one, her? Or me? She's 96 and I'm 60. I'm not going to live the next possible 30 years broken down and bitter because she was more important than me. You must take care of your own needs first. Don't feel selfish about that. Stress on a caregiver is a killer. Good luck to you and this is a wonderful site for help
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