My 75 year old father is currently living at home by himself. He is frail and has difficulty walking. He can care for himself for the most part, but hormone therapy and radiation treatment for a moderately aggressive form of prostate cancer has made his mobility more difficult. He has had 2 episodes now where he cannot move himself. He did not use the alert pendant he has because he thought ambulance would show up despite me going over the use of the device that would begin by contacting a neighbor to check on him especially if he can tell the operator what is wrong. I am not sure he could have even pushed the button when he tells me how weak his body and even arms were. I can't bear the thought of him lying there without anyone to help him. My brother seems to think if he can care for himself in every other way we should let him stay home alone. My brother travels a lot for work, his wife is helpful but has a 2 year old to care for. When my dad called me at work telling me he couldn't move himself this last time I called her to ask her to go to him. She asked me if I thought it was a real emergency or if she could finish her breakfast first. I don't know if it's me overreacting or them in denial. I have children, a job, and a husband and I can't go running over there at a moments notice. I gave everything I had when my mother was sick with an aggressive cancer a year ago. I am still buying back my retirement for lost work. I don't have it in me to be on 24/7 call. My 8 year old daughter panics because she thinks I am leaving again like I did with my mom. I can't put my family through that again. My father's situation is not as severe, but my fear of hurting my family is. I want my father to come and live with me or my brother. Even if it's just for these next couple of months to finish his treatment, but I am only 95 pounds and I'm not even sure I could provide for his needs being lifted if he becomes that weak. Am I overreacting?
I had in-home nursing, PT, and home health care for my Dad when his situation first turned difficult. This was followed up by private-pay companion care for four hours/day, seven days/week for over two years. Recently this changed to live-in care on a private arrangement rather than through an agency, which was going to be more affordable for him.
If he is a veteran and has less than $80,000 in funds, the VA has some benefits that will help pay for assisted living. They will more readily pay for this in an Assisted Living Facility than at home for some reason, but you might be able to get some help there as well.
RR
My father has very little money and after talking to him we decided to move him in with us. It is hard and an adjustment and we have been taking it day by day and it is getting better, but I have many advantages that you do/did not have. I have no children, unless you count my little dogs. I did not have to go through what you did with your mother (I am so sorry you and your family had to go through that) and we are very quiet people that live a very quiet life so it is easier for us. You need to look at what is best for your family first and your father second.
There is nothing wrong with putting your father in assisted living where he can still have independence and you are not the one that has to worry about his well being 24/7. There are many here that have given excellent advice on how to assist him in getting into this type of home. Do not let anyone tell you that you have not done enough or you should have taken him in or mock any other decisions that you make. You first have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. My family life allowed me to take my father in and live with us; you have to make your decision on what is best for your family.
Since your loved one is feeling so fragile from radiation therapy to the point of being unable to push the button on the emergency device and having two episodes where he couldn't move himself, and you're worried that he would be laying there helpless, he needs 24 hour care assistance. Rest assured that there are plenty of resources available to help and alleviate caregiver burnout. Agencies like VNSNY are fully equipped with all necessary resources and have of numerous programs that help the patient while allowing family members to continue working and fulfilling their primary family obligation needs. Programs range from Medicare Service Assistance, to Medicaid long term care (MLTC), to private pay, to hospice care, etc. There are many skilled personnel that are available to help no matter how complex the patient needs may be. But your loved one does need 24 hour care given the circumstances.
Regards,
Renata Gelman, ADON, RN, BSN
Medicare will not pay for caregivers in the home. He may qualify for some veterans benefits which could offset the cost of assisted living if he is deemed safe enough for that setting. The safety net of assisted living is good nutrition, companionship, social activities, often physicians, podiatrists, and dentists make visits there. They generally have small apartments, but main gathering areas and dining room, living areas for activities, etc. many provide personal training and activities to keep him as string as possible . Of course bringing him home is an option with 24 /7 caregivers. I caution you to read other posts on this site regarding private caregivers vs. agency's. Buyer beware! You need to put safety net in place if hiring anyone to take care of a vulnerable person. Just do your due diligence before you proceed with that. Also take with an elder law attorney for all options available to him for now and in the future. A geriatric care manager can also help navigate eldercare roadmap. Good luck.
In Illinois there is supportive living similar to assisted living but for those with fewer assets, they accept lower monthly payments and some accept Medicaid or public aid. Again VA can offset costs if he qualifies in home, assisted living, and nursing home. Another option is long term care insurance if he has a policy.
PACE is a program that combines Medicare and Medicaid benefits. PACE may pay for some or all of the long-term care needs of the person or those with Alzheimer's. It covers medical, social service, and long-term care costs for frail people. PACE permits most people who qualify to continue living at home instead of moving to a long-term care facility. PACE is available only in certain States and locations within those States. Also, there may be a monthly charge. You will need to find out if the person qualifies for PACE.
To find out more about PACE:
Phone: 1-800-772-1213
www.medicare.gov/your-medicare-costs/help-paying-costs/pace/pace.html
You also may want to consider Hospice. You'll need a doctor's order but from what it sounds like, this shouldn't be a problem. Here are some phone numbers you can call to learn more about what they can help you with:
◾American Hospice Foundation at 1-202-223-0204 or www.americanhospice.org
◾National Association for Home Care and Hospice at 1-202-547-7424 or www.nahc.org
◾Hospice Foundation of America at 1-800-854-3402 or www.hospicefoundation.org
◾National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization at 1-800-658-8898 or www.caringinfo.org
State Health Insurance Assistance Program (SHIP)
SHIP is a national program offered in each State that provides free counseling and advice about coverage and benefits to people with Medicare and their families. To contact a SHIP counselor in your State, visit www.shiptalk.org.
Department of Veterans Affairs
The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) may provide long-term care for some veterans. There could be a waiting list for VA nursing homes. The VA also provides some at-home care.
To learn more about VA healthcare benefits:
Phone: 1-877-222-8387
www.va.gov/health
You can find more information about Medicare benefits on the Internet at www.medicare.gov, or call 1-800-633-4227, TTY: 1-877-486-2048.
Finally, there is this department: National Council on Aging
The National Council on Aging, a private group, has a free service called BenefitsCheckUp. This service can help you find Federal and State benefit programs that may help your family. These programs can help pay for prescription drugs, heating bills, housing, meal programs, and legal services.
BenefitsCheckUp also can help you find:
◾ Financial assistance
◾ Veteran's benefits
◾ Employment/volunteer work
◾ Helpful information and resources
To learn more about BenefitsCheckUp:
Phone: 1-202-479-1200
www.benefitscheckup.org
I got all this information from Alzheimer's.org. You father-in-law may not have Alzheimer's but these organizations can certainly advise you, nevertheless. Hope this helps.